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I Used to Be a Model! (Anonymous)

I use to be a model!!!

I just turned 22. This is me 7 months post postpartum. I use to be a size 2-4, I loved my body, I worked hard at it, and I was so happy with what it had become. During my pregnancy I gained 100lbs!!! I have since lost 30 and plan on losing the rest. The biggest problem for me is my boobs. They use to be a nice B now I wear a DDD and it’s way too small (it’s the biggest size at the store) I HATE their size, I feel like I am all boob. I use to be able to run around without a bra! I hate bras. I hate how they hang down and cover my waist. The second picture I am lifting my arm up and it puts my boob in the place where it should be, and you can see my waist. I REALLY hope they shrink once I am done breastfeeding, but I am letting my son self wean. I wonder, will they shrink as the number of feeds decreases? Or will nothing happen until I am not breastfeeding at all anymore? I am against birth control for religious reasons, I haven’t gotten my period back, but I will probably get pregnant as soon as I start ovulation again, this means I might not have time to get my body back in shape, and maybe my boobs will grow again from another pregnancy and never shrink!? (Yikes!). I hate also that I can’t wear the clothes I love. Like many of the girls on this site, my husband also cheats on me with online porn. I am hoping once I can look like that again the infidelity will stop. I hate too because he is jacking off to women just because of their bodies, their bodies are enough to be deserving of his sexual attention. It disappointment me that the standard for who deserves it fo him is as low as who has the right body, I would be less upset if he jacked off to pictures of a girl he knew because he liked her as a person. I don’t even want a perfect body, I just want a decent one, I would switch bodies with almost any girl who has posted on here in an instant (they all look better then mine) and would probably be happy. I have thought about a breast and body lift after being done losing weight but it’s against my values and I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed more kiddos. I also developed a crush on a guy (my relationship with my husband has been in the pits, because I don’t feel like a desirable woman anymore, just a mom, and a house cleaner) and he called me fat and stopped talking to me over it. I use to have men wrapped around my fingers, so this really hurt. I wanted to go back to school, and take birth control in order to escape being a mom and be more like a maiden and I was hoping that would make my husband more attracted to me, I am really so sad about this transition to being a mom, it makes me feel like I am now completely undesirable to anyone. But I know he will not stay with me, because our faith calls to us having more traditional role where I stay home and have lots of kids. And I am not willing to leave him for this because I want my child to have a Dad, that’s more important to me then myself. It’s also why I still breastfeed (my child is more important than me) even though I know stopping would probably help my boobs shrink back.

in Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions

17 comments… add one

  • Holly Monday, November 16, 2015, 9:41 am

    I am 35, lost 50 pounds this year (after baby number 2) and am still jealous of you. I love how curvy your frame is; how your hips follow a beautiful line from your defined waist. Work it!

  • Fanny Monday, November 16, 2015, 10:13 am

    Hi mama :) I want to answer you, because you seem to be very sad about your body. I’m a young mama too. I’m 28 (almost 29) and my baby is 9 months old now. I used to be in great shape and even I wasn’t looking like a model, I loved myself and was confortable with my body. And just like you, I gained a lot of weight (thanks to my Nutella cravings) during pregnancy. My boobs were sooo big too!!! They shrinked a little after I stoped breastfeedind few months ago but it looks like they going to stay bigger then the “before baby”. I l know how it feels to look at yourself and not recognize the person in the mirror. But!! You should be proud of you. Your husband should be in love with you, no matter how much weight you have on. If you feel that you need time between 2 babies, then maybe you should wait? Or discuss with your partner of your feelings? Be strong and patient ; you are young and you have all your life in front of you. For my part, even if my body has changed a lot, I’ve decided to love it. I exercice regularly and eat well to be healthy, and to have energy for my baby. I refuse to put pressure on my back to get back the pre-baby body. We are mamas, we gave life ; it’s the most important thing in a entire life! Take care of yourself :)). (I’m a french canadian so my english might be hard to read).

  • K Monday, November 16, 2015, 10:18 am

    Oh sweetie. I’m so sorry. You sound very conflicted. You also sound like you are in a tough spot.
    Few things:
    You are young. You have time to return to school or training, you have time to have more babies. While you say your religion is against birth control, it may be a good option at this point for yourself and your family from a mental health point of view. If your husband looks at naked ladies, birth control isn’t an evil option.
    I know it’s hard to stand up for yourself, but it sounds like you know what you want, but are afraid of upsetting your family. You are being perfectly reasonable.
    Also congrats on sticking it out with breastfeeding! It’s time consuming and stressful at times.
    Third, you look fine. I know it’s hard to go from having a body you’re really happy with to seeing it change with pregnancy. Then seeing some women look like they were never pregnant 3 months post partum. Been there. It will go back to normal-ish but takes time. And finding time to exercise (safely) is difficult.
    Lastly, I know at 22 I was so concerned with making everyone else happy, I put my own wants and dreams on the shelf. By 30, most women start looking out for themselves, finally, whereas men are taught to always look after themselves first. I wish we could get women to skip ahead to caring for themselves first. You have valid concerns, and it sounds like you need more support.

  • Hifive Monday, November 16, 2015, 10:30 am

    I have so much to say to you. First, can you afford therapy? You need to be able to see your value, which does not come from your looks and I’m assuming you had some childhood yuckiness happen that makes you feel that way. Look in the mirror every day and tell yourself you love yourself! You can look in to natural family planning that will teach you your ovulation schedule so you can avoid pregnancy without birth control until you’re ready. Your husband treating you badly is his own issue, it again does not determine how amazing you are, I can bet that he still watched porn even when you loved your body. So again this does not change your value, if you went blind tomorrow the mother, wife, daughter, friend and person you are would not change and yet you wouldn’t be able to actually see beauty. You are wonderful and amazing no matter what your size. Start loving yourself today! You deserve it

  • Amber Monday, November 16, 2015, 11:58 am

    Look I dont know you. I feel your pain. First of all …. Your husbands porn use has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. You are beautiful and that has nothing to do with what your body is, or was, or isn’t. When you judge a woman by her appearance it doesn’t define her, it defines you. Stay strong. Xoxoxo

  • kat Monday, November 16, 2015, 1:03 pm

    Let me begin by saying you have a beautiful, womanly body. Having said that, you have a choice to make. Do you want to be happy in or outside of your marriage? If you choose to stay, and you want your husbands attention, unfortunately you will have to be come his type again to get him to stop with the porn. My metabolism bid me farewell 10 years and 5 babies ago. I have a sexist, traditional roided out gym rat for a husband and to keep his attention I have to get up every morning, eat my clean diet, exercise and nurse my 6 month old while caring for 4 other children and maintaining a size 6 figure (at 5’7). Your husband won’t change. You either have to raise your standards for yourself and your happiness and venture out on your own, or become what he wants and/or accept his porn addiction. Sadly, it is a rare blessing to find a man who will love you for personality alone. Mine doesnt , he needs both and I made a choice to stay and I’m OK with that. You must be happy with your decision. God bless you and your beautiful baby. Sounds like you’re doing the right thing so far.

  • Ash Monday, November 16, 2015, 4:20 pm

    I totally get it and, as a mother of three, I’ve TOTALLY been there. I’m pregnant now and it’s been so hard to not feel insecure when I’m gaining weight and my body is completely changing. I let my self-doubt get the best of me too. It took over my life and crept into my relationship. Even my mothering. The thing is, feeling like shit only gets you more shit. And thinking you’re not worthy or you’re become “less,” well that infects you with a poison that will taint every aspect of your life. That sure as shit was the case for me!

    Here’s what I’ve learned… Getting somewhere worthwhile requires looking up ahead to where we want to BE. Not where we ARE. If we’re stuck on being overweight, broke, or whatever, then that’s exactly where we’re going to stay. Moving forward requires us to look forward and move in that direction. So please, stop feeling weak and shitty. As someone who just pushed through that same phase, I can tell you that it’s a waste of your time and energy.

    Instead of focusing on all these outside things that you’re not, focus on what you want to be. Focus on who you are RIGHT NOW. If you’re feeling good about yourself and treating yourself well, then you’re body will drop that weight like a bag of bricks. Love yourself, nourish yourself through food, and take the time to take care of your heart as well as your baby.

    I don’t know what’s going on with your man, but I do know three things.
    (1) We can’t expect others to love us when we can’t even love ourselves. Insecurities make us ugly, unhappy people. When we value ourselves, all good things unfold naturally from there.
    (2) If he really can’t appreciate you for who you are, then that has everything to do with him, not you. Don’t make his problem your problem. Focus on being happy and whole and watch the magic that happens…
    (3) We all have our own shit and we’re doing the best we can with what we have. It was easy for me to feel sorry for myself with what was going on with my man. I felt like he was being a jerk and being so unfair, but the truth was… I was being pretty damn difficult. There’s no way he enjoyed being around me because I didn’t enjoy being around MYSELF. It would be great to have a partner that can lift us up when we’re down, but that kind of negativity is draining. No one can save us from drowning if we’re hellbent on leaving the water (behavior/thinking) that threatens to take us under.

    Best of luck to you. I know the whole “love yourself” thing is so cliche, but it really is true. You need to like who you are and see value in yourself. Other people surely see it, so why the hell shouldn’t you? I mean, you have to live with yourself for the rest of your life, so why beat yourself up and be your own worst enemy. I’ve done it myself and it didn’t get me shit, so I would HIGHLY recommend that everyone avoid doing it.

    Sending you love! <3

  • Mina Tuesday, November 17, 2015, 2:57 pm

    I think your body is lovely. I don’t want to dismiss your own feelings about it (and I do know what it’s like to experience an abrupt, shocking change in what we’re used to seeing in the mirror), but from someone on the outside, you look normal and lovely to me.

    Obviously, the only bit I know about you is what you’ve written here, so I apologize in advance if any of this seems presumptuous: It sounds like you and your husband share a strong faith. Is it within reach for you to speak to someone (either alone or together) about your body image/marriage/porn/faith/birth control and how all those things might be affecting your feelings about yourself and your marriage/motherhood?

    I’m quite a bit older than you (I’m 43, 3 kids, ages 10-16), and I wish I’d started investing in my own mental well being earlier than I did…. You deserve to feel good about yourself and feel loved by the people who share your home – you’re young…you have a lot of years ahead of you, and you deserve to make an investment in yourself. It sounds like the two of you could possibly use some help…the change from youthful kid to young mom is a big one. Believe me, you wouldn’t be the first person who would benefit from some help in moving through the transition.

    You are beautiful, and you are absolutely worth it. I can tell you are a mom willing to sacrifice for your kids…but consider that preserving your own personal happiness and well-being is a gift to your children. Best to you.

  • Astrophe Tuesday, November 17, 2015, 3:10 pm

    You are being treated poorly. It is ok to be angry. Don’t turn anger at that treatment inward to you bashing your body. It’s ok to want to get back to pre-pregnancy weight. But talk to yourself kindly while working on it. Stop talking down to you. Your husband does that already.

    If you want to go back to school? Do so. If you want to take birth control in order to not be a mom to too many children? Do so. Don’t give up on you dreams or fear changes you have to make in order to move closer to them.

    You say you want your son to have a dad. What KIND of dad? Do you mean like “any ol’ person” or like a father who models what kind of man you would like your son to become? Growing up around THIS man who talks down to you, gets you pregnant, ignores you for porn… is that the kind of man you want for your son to become?

    In case you need it…. http://speakoutloud.net

  • Summer Tuesday, November 17, 2015, 3:34 pm

    Wow, mama. I just want to give you a hug. I’m so sorry that you’re feeling bad, and that the people in your life aren’t lifting you up, but are instead tearing you down. I’m 4 mo post partum with my first little guy, and though I’ve never been model thin, I am experiencing what it’s like to have a completely different body. (For one, the boobs for sure. For another, I’ve got a c section scar that will fade, but never actually go away.) I try to remember that nothing in my life will ever be the same, now that I’m a mama, and so it’s no wonder my body reflects that. And my body gave me my baby, so I’m grateful for its wonderful strength and magic.

    I worry about your marriage. I hear your noble desire to sacrifice your own happiness for your kids…you clearly love them unconditionally. But I wonder what you’re modeling for your kids by doing that. Kids learn about loving, healthy relationships with others and with themselves through watching their family. If your LO was an adult in the same situation, what advice would you give?

    I echo the plea to seek therapy, for yourself at the very least and for your marriage if you’re both willing. This time is tough and your emotional and mental health are so important, for your kids as well as yourself.

    That having been said, you are beautiful. Believe it, mama.

  • Shelfling Tuesday, November 17, 2015, 4:23 pm

    Beautiful Mama,
    You are young, lovely, and in a time of unbelievable upheaval. You and your husband seem to be having considerable heartache navigating this transition to parenting as partners who can value the hard work your body has done to bring life into the world and nurture it now that your child is here. I respect your assertion that birth control violates your values. I suspect that his porn use violates those values as well. Natural family planning can be a tool to help you reduce your likelihood of conceiving, but you may wish to consider whether intercourse with your husband under your current circumstances actually meets your religious values when he is not cherishing the mother of his child.
    You have not become less lovable, less desirable, or less deserving of a man’s devotion, commitment, and attraction. You are beautiful.
    And it may be time to consider talking with a professional about why you think his choices are your fault.
    I hope things get better and better for you.

  • bethany Wednesday, November 18, 2015, 5:24 am

    First of all, I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling with body image and in your marriage. Pregnancy and new motherhood are a time of stress and huge changes, so it’s completely understandable that you’re feeling overwhelmed and nostalgic for your pre-baby life right now. I have two kids (11 and almost 5) and I’ve been there, and I sympathize.

    Your desire to put your child’s needs first is certainly praiseworthy; that’s something all parents should do. But you can take care of yourself too! The two aren’t mutually exclusive. It may feel like it’s impossible to do both right now, but I promise, it will get better, and easier, with time.

    From what you’ve written here, it sounds to me like your husband is also struggling with the fact that you have new responsibilities as parents, and that you can’t pay attention to him the way you used to before your son was born. I add my voice to those who have already encouraged you to seek counseling, for yourself and for you and your husband together, if he’s willing.

    Please believe me when I tell you that you have value simply as a human being because you exist. You don’t have to look a certain way or be a certain weight to be lovable and valuable, and if your husband doesn’t know that, shame on him. (I think your body, which grew an ENTIRE HUMAN BEING and gave birth and recovered and is nursing a baby, is AMAZING, and looks perfectly lovely.)

    When you became a mom, you became a member of the biggest, most loving club in the world. Your sisters in this club will understand what you’re going through, and sympathize. Do you have a good friend, or a close relative, whom you can talk to about this? Please don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for help! In taking care of yourself, you are not only giving your son the best possible mother he can have, but you are making yourself stronger too. Hang in there, mama. <3

  • Carrie Wednesday, November 18, 2015, 6:57 am

    Oh honey, you are so beautiful and you deserve so much more. You have a wonderful, curvy frame. Why are you planning on having more children with a man who does not value you? Please, please try to find a way to get yourself into therapy. You are young, you are beautiful, you are valuable for who you are. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.

  • Anonymous Thursday, November 19, 2015, 12:07 am

    Boobs unfortunately never look the same after childbirth. I didn’t breastfeed and mine are deflated, uneven, skin sacs. It’s the only part of my body that changed and it’s unacceptable to me. But, it’s what happens to most every woman :-\ as for the porn, that isn’t cheating. Have you thought of watching it with him and finding porn you may like? I found I like hentai and will watch it with my bf. Try talking to your husband about this. He isn’t cheating but needs to understand that it is causing you pain.

  • dave Friday, November 20, 2015, 8:24 am

    as a husband, it’s sad for me to read about husbands like yours who fail to see the inherent worth and beauty of their post-pregnancy spouses. your body is amazing, your helped create life, and you are still and will always be attractive!

  • Mia Friday, November 27, 2015, 2:02 am

    I also think your body looks great, but though I understand your frustration about it as it’s not what you want it to be. I’ve already done all from here: http://rocketparents.com/6-things-to-know-and-do-before-getting-pregnant/ and we’re going to start TTC, though I’m really afraid of weight gaining issue. I’ve heard that if you make 1 fasting day a week during your pregnancy you won’t gain so much, is it true? Has anyone tried it?

  • Mir Monday, December 28, 2015, 7:25 am

    Hi Anon,

    Thanks for sharing your story. I had my first (of 3 children, currently) when I was about 25. I also gained about 100 pounds. I had never been overweight a day in my life and was always athletic and in-shape. I developed, what we now know is a thyroid condition, in my 6th month of pregnancy…it went undiagnosed for 8 years! I never lost the weight (not even half of it!) from that first pregnancy and I’ve gone through another two large pregnancies that stretched me out to the point that I have baggy skin like hanging from my body. I breastfed my first for 6 months and my second for 3 years and my third is almost a year old and he’s still breastfeeding.

    What I can say is:
    1) Where you came from (that skinny, model body, having men wrapped around your fingers because of your hot body) is probably never going to exist again. So, the best is to take time to grieve that. You may lose the weight you want to (hopefully in a healthy and reasonable way through solid nutrition and healthy activity that you like to do) and you may become the best post-baby person (both inside and out) that you can be–but you will never be the person you were before this baby entered your life. So, it’s important to just grieve and let go. For me, I felt like that person pre-baby actually just died and went away. I miss her sometimes but she’s gone and I’ve accepted that. Instead, you have to work on developing your inner confidence that has nothing to do with how you look on the outside because breast sizes will inflate and deflate and weight and hormone fluctuations come and go and we all get older and saggier–but if you work on who you are internally and deal with the emotions then you will be unstoppable. You don’t know your inner strength just yet.
    2) Your husband looking at porn is #1 Not your fault or the result of anything you did or didn’t do
    #2 Not likely to change even if you magically could become your former ‘model self’ again.
    #3 Possibly not a reflection of his ‘unfaithfulness’ but a reflection of him not knowing how to cope in this situation either. If he’s a young dad, he’s likely freaked out and overwhelmed by all the changes already–men are really immature. I found that with my husband he didn’t even really grow up and become ‘a man’ until his early 30s or later–which was a least 7 years into our marriage! Men and women are often wired differently when it comes to sex and attraction. He is looking at those women, precisely because he feels no emotional attachment to them–they are ‘objects’ to help him cope with the things he feels are out of control in his life–it’s kind of a way to ‘hide away’ from things he’s not mature enough to face. So, he feels like, “What’s the big deal…those women don’t mean anything to me.” It would be much worse if he was starting up something with an old friend from secondary school online or masturbating to her photos–because then, that’s dangerous…that means he may be looking for another relationship. He’s simply seeking easy sexual gratification in a ‘safe way’ (no risk of STDs, pregnancies, breaking up your guys’ relationship). I am not saying it is easy to accept or you should accept it–but don’t be so harsh on yourself. Some men just can’t deal with grown-up things…no matter how mature they act on the outside.
    3) You said you have religious standards and convictions that mean contraception is off the table for you and that you need to keep having babies. This, to me, means you’re either Mormon or Catholic. I’m neither but I have used Natural Family Planning (NFP) taught to me by a Catholic lady for the past 10 years and it has worked for me to avoid getting pregnant and to get pregnant when I wanted to. I use the Creighton Model. You might check into getting trained in that. You should be in charge of your fertility and your husband should not just put all the pressure on you to manage it. You need to do what’s best for your body, mind, child and family–so forget religious dogma because at the end of the day, we all just learn to work with what we’ve got and make the compromises we need to. You’re not going to be sent to hell and no one is going to be in your bedroom (hopefully) to oversee how or how not you follow the tenants of your belief. I know this might be seen as ‘cheating’ but if you follow a God who is merciful and gracious He will understand what you can handle and what you can’t.

    Be wise and be gentle with yourself. You have just joined a fantastic fellowship of mothers. We all have battle scars…a lot of us are not satisfied with where our bodies are at…but we are strong, you’d better believe that and you are also strong and this experience is going to prepare you for the long journey of life ahead.

    PS: I never thought I would be willing to get a tummy tuck or breast lift. But, y’know, right now, I’m going on my fifth pregnancy (we lost one baby, so this is my fourth child) and after this one, I am going to do a bit of ‘medical tourism’ to Thailand to have a full tummy tuck done to remove the bags of skin and repair the diastasis recti (separation of my abdomen muscles). I can justify it because I have worked dang hard to bring those babies into the world (nearly dying in childbirth once and having other huge medical complications with the most recent pregnancy)…and I deserve to feel good (or better) about how I look in the mirror. I am doing the best I can with lifting weights, swimming, doing pilates and working out to try to get in shape but some things will not be fixed without surgery–that’s just how it is. My husband is totally fine with me doing this–now we just need to save money. We’ve been married 10 years and at this point we love each other so much that there is nothing we wouldn’t do for each other. Also, he’s going to go get a vasectomy (snipped)–his choice and his idea. After four children, we have reached the limit to what we can emotionally, mentally and financially handle. I work full-time outside the home to support our children as well. We have peace about the number of children so we’re done. Just know this…what you think about life now at 23 may not be what you think about it at 33 (my age)…give yourself time and possibilities…life is boundless.

    Lots of care and love :)

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