≡ Menu



I Feel So Alone (Harley)

AGE: 25
3 pregnancies + 2 births

I have a 21 month old + a 2 month old both born by cesarean.

Ever since I can remember, my only want.. goal, passion.. What have you, was to be a mother. So naturally when I got pregnant with my daughter, I was over the moon. My pregnancy wasn’t so easy, and neither was my cesarean. Given all my issues, I healed up nicely and somewhat quickly. Not too long after did I find out that I was in fact pregnant again. This both pregnancy and cesarean was much easier. I had my beautiful baby boy, 2 months ago .. Almost to the day. I healed way better and way faster this time, which was a huge relief.

Now. I’m left with the aftermath of having two kids 19 months apart from one another. My body is what I like to call it, ” tore up from the floor up”. My belly still hasn’t gone down completely to where I still look pregnant and have had people ask me when I am due. Not only hasn’t my stomach gone down but I have terrible loose skin with stretch marks covering my belly. If I lean over, the loose skin will just bunch together and just hang. When I wear a pair of pants , you can see the bulging of the skin/fat below my underwear line. A pouch, if you will. My boobs, have definitely reduced in size and have become saggy, for sure. As it pains me to admit this and share with the world.. I even wear multiple bras, including stuffing them as well. It’s just horrible, makes me sick to my stomach. Everybody keeps reminding me that I just had a baby or that I’ve had two kids.. But it doesn’t make me feel any different. I see so many women who have bounced back so quickly to not even half of what I have goin on. I express my disgust and self consciousness with my LONG (10years) time boyfriend and he just repeats the same statements. I’ve caught him glaring at my belly a bunch of times but he would never tell me that I’m gross or right to feel the way I do. We have had sex and I hate having to take my clothes off. I won’t take anything from the waste up, off. Even when we are having sex all I’m thinking is how to hide my problem areas and that he couldn’t possibly be turned on by me. I find myself feeling bad for him that he doesn’t have the girlfriend with the nice body anymore. In my head, he only has sex with me because I’m there and it’s only a matter of time until he goes somewhere else for a better looking chick. Nobody is understanding how I’m feeling and I don’t know what to do. I even changed out of a summer dress that was fitting when it was 90 degrees outside because I noticed my stomach bulging and had caught him looking right at my stomach. I feel so far from attractive and so alone. I go online and I research plastic surgery all the time and fantasize about fixing all my problem areas, so I can feel pretty again. I do feel bad complaining about how I look ,like I’m some vain school girl.. I know a lot of other people have much bigger problems but I absolutely hate feeling this way. The only part that makes me feel somewhat better is that I know I have two gorgeous children to show for it. I just wish there was a pill or some magic rain dance I could do to fix this.

Thank You so much for reading!

in Belly, Cesarean, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Tattoo

6 comments… add one

  • shakti Monday, September 15, 2014, 2:01 pm

    what can i say.. except we all have had similar feelings at one time or another. we are remarkable beings, going through incredible changes and motherhood is the pinnacle of it all. Your body, if given the rights things, will “bounce back” not to how it was pre-baby, but to that of a mother, for many of us this is our initiation into becoming a woman. but this does need mean you need to have extra unwanted weight and not be fit, but to change this you need to shower yourself with the things that will help you sustain yourself in this manner. these “right things” are important to give yourself; rest, water, good healthy clean food, exercise and good thought & self love. even if you cannot go to the gym having two small kids, put them in the stroller and walk (you can loose all your weight this way!), clear your mind and find yourself a deep sense of peace whatever that may be for you. when you take care of yourself and give yourself what you need you will be able to give more to your kids and your partner. self love is first. you cannot accept another’s love if you can’t first give it to yourself. its a long journey ahead, and you might as well look yourself in the mirror today and thank your body & soul for the journey thus far. embrace this beautiful gift that is yourself.

  • leah Monday, September 15, 2014, 5:43 pm

    Its only been two months! U look great, give it at least 9 months.. your hair looks gorgeous, nice skin and i love your tatoos. very sexy. don’t b so hard on yourself

  • Paul Monday, September 15, 2014, 6:47 pm

    I’m a man and I have to say you’re pretty sexy. I’m serious.
    Don’t worry about what the media says. You’re attractive. Welcome to the REAL world.

  • Jason Wednesday, October 8, 2014, 5:07 pm

    Harley,

    1) Paul is right – you’re attractive. Also, nice tattoos!
    2) My wife has many of the same thoughts and concerns that you have – the c-section scar, the stretch marks, loose skin and belly that doesn’t seem to want to go away. Something that has taken her many years to understand about me is that I find those things wonderful – and maybe your boyfriend does as well. To me, all those things are a reminder of what we shared together, though I wish I could have taken some more of the actual physical burden from my wife for her. After the first c-section, I realized that I found a little belly and stretch marks to be incredibly attractive, and started to express that to her. It took a long time before she was comfortable with me rubbing her stomach, or kissing there.

    I’ve learned that what’s in your head and heart matters a lot in how you see things, both in how I see my wife, and how she sees me and herself. Don’t be so quick to judge that your boyfriend is just looking for someone with a better body. I like to think that good men are less shallow than that, and that as he matures (and surely having 2 children with a beautiful mother helps a man mature), he realizes that your beauty is more than just how much you conform to what pop culture says you should look like. Believe that you are good enough for him, because you are – outside AND in.

  • Kristin Monday, October 13, 2014, 10:57 pm

    It’s been a measly two months, and you look THAT FABULOUS?! Your skin is beautiful, your waist is tiny, and you have gorgeous, proportionate curves!!! You’ll lose that extra couple pounds in just a few more months. I think the hardest part of post partum image is comparing ourselves to everyone else, especially those in the media. So many celebs are getting tummy tucks same time as their C-sections, and they’re able to afford time and instructors to work their butts off to get fit super quick. Well, here in the real world, that’s not exactly how it works. And for where you’re at and when, you look beautiful and quite regular…if not skinnier than regular. I’m a lot bigger than you, and I’m at 9 months post partum. Keep doing what you’re doing, and I agree with Shakti above; walking every day with your kids in strollers, and going to the park to play, made a BIG difference for me, and I only do 3/4 mile each walk, and I only go a couple times a week. You got this, Mama. And remember that old cliche, “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”? It really is true. When your partner loves you, they see past the outside, and falls in love all over again with the inside…and that makes the inside stunning. :)

  • Ashely Tuesday, January 6, 2015, 12:42 am

    Harley,
    I wish we knew each other. I feel The same way you do but maybe even much worse. I’m 28 years old and am a little over 6 months prego with my third child. Also I just had a baby girl 8 months ago. My pre-pregnancy weight before I ever had a baby four years ago was 110 pounds. I now weight 157 and still have four more months of weight gaining to go.
    I feel the same way when my husband and I have sex and to make it all worse he is pretty fit and he doesn’t even try ( eats more junk food then anyone I know) Some times I wonder how I even got a guy like him and then I remember how I used to look before baby’s. My husband tells me all the time that I’m beautiful but he won’t ever look at me naked and will never kiss my stretched belly. Now that I pregnant again he hasn’t even touched me about a month. Before that when we did have sex I would think the same thoughts as you. How is he turned on by me? Does he just have sex with me because I’m the only one here and he doesn’t want to be the guy that cheated?
    It has been a few months sense you posted this post and I bet you are feeling a little better about yourself. Your belly will shrink especially if you put in a little effort. You look great in the photo already. My belly looked very similar to yours postpartum but I was covered in big dark stretch marks also. And I have a tattoo in that area but it will never be the same again.
    I know how it feels to have everyone keep saying ” you just had a baby or your pregnant” but that doesn’t make it feel any better. I also know many girls that just bounce right back and it makes me feel so crapy.
    You are not alone in the way you feel and even though I wish these feelings on no one, it’s nice to know I’m not alone either.

Leave a Comment