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I Can’t Stand to Look in the Mirror (Anonymous)

July 21, 2010

~Age: 20
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies 2 births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 22 months and 3 months

I had my first baby at 18 and my second at 20. Before I fell pregnant I had a fantastic body – although I never appreciated it. Now, I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. I’m suffering quite badly from post partum depression but have sought treatment and I am now on anti depressants. Most days, I can’t leave the house. I hate myself for being so vain and preoccupied with the way that I look – I should feel proud of myself for what my body has achieved, but it’s a struggle to look at it that way. I’m currently 3 months pp after my second baby, and have so far shed my weight from that pregnancy, but still have about 8 lbs to go before I reach my goal weight (the weight I was before I fell pregnant with my first child.) Even though I weigh 127 lbs, my body shape has changed. I hate my wide hips, and all the loose skin – I’ve got a permanent ‘muffin top.’

My husband has never been one for compliments, but I wish for once he would just say that I look okay, or that he thinks I am beautiful. Feeling that I look ugly to him is probably what gets me down the most. Our sex life is non-existent, not that I don’t offer, but he’s just not interested. He says it’s not because of the way I look, that he’s just tired, etc, but I don’t believe him.

I wish I could be confident, and accepting of the way that I am. Right now, I am focusing on getting my mind healthy and being a loving mother to my two amazing children but the way that I look is a constant weight on my shoulders.

(1st picture 5 months pp with first baby the rest are me today, at 3 months pp after second baby)

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45 Responses to “I Can’t Stand to Look in the Mirror (Anonymous)”

  1. brianamill Says:
    July 21st, 2010 at 8:59 am

    your husband in an idiot, i can find 5 guys who would love to wine and dine you, you look GREAT!
    Your boobs, I wish i had them! at least you still have yours, your husbands “im tired” is an ecuse to bail on sex, unless he is 50…but a guy in his 20s, ALWAYS wants sex!!!
    i think you should be happy with how you look, you look amazing after 2 kids and he is a shmuck for not caring about yoru feelings.

  2. Ann Says:
    July 21st, 2010 at 9:01 am

    Sweetie your beatiful I’m 8 months preggo & I hope I look as good as you do after I have him.

  3. Bryana Says:
    July 21st, 2010 at 9:09 am

    Oh my goodness! You are stunning!
    Your body is absolutely amazing! You’ve had 2 children, and look at the gorgeous skin tone and shape that you have!
    I think your body is a peice of art. It is nothing short of gorgeous! I am so sorry that you feel the way you do about your body. I wish you could see it from my eyes; I think we all wish we could see ourselves through someone elses eyes.
    I hope that you begin to appreciate and love your body, because form the bottom of my soul, it is beautiful.
    Give yourself some time, 3 months pp is nothing. Once your at a year, I bet it will look even more phenominal!

  4. Shannon Says:
    July 21st, 2010 at 9:12 am

    WOW…I seriously think you look absolutely amazing! I am 24, had my first child at 20 and my second at 22. I am 15 months pp with my second. I know what it is like to hate your body. I am finally learning to love it though! I have loose skin, stretchmarks, and a tiny overhang from 2 cesareans…but I am getting better about not hating myself. There have been times that I would refuse to go anywhere. You truly look great. You are ONLY 3 months pp, beautiful smooth skin, very few stretchmarks…you look GREAT!!!

  5. Lulu Says:
    July 21st, 2010 at 9:40 am

    I can only hope that I look half as good as you someday. I too lost all my baby weight – from just one baby – and my skin looks… I dunno, unnatural. You ever see next generation star trek? Probably not. But if you ever see a picture of the alien named Wharf from that show, my stomach looks like his forehead! If I had your body I’d be so happy. Your husband doesn’t know how lucky he is.

  6. Georgina Says:
    July 21st, 2010 at 9:42 am

    Depression is such a terrible thing to suffer with, and it distorts your view on everything. Anti-depressants help tremendously with depression (but can erase your libido–it’s a catch 22). I wish you weren’t so hard on yourself. Your body is beautiful, and very attractive. My hope for you is that when the anti-depressants do their job, you will find it easier to look at yourself in the mirror, and pick out the things about you that are pleasing to your eyes.

  7. Catherine S Says:
    July 21st, 2010 at 10:12 am

    You are beautiful, you really really are!! Maybe you and your husband should do some talking… husbands of women who suffer from PPD are at a much higher risk of also suffering from their own version of PPD. Postpartum depression is horrible and it takes full time focus from the whole family to heal from it. Are you or your husband in some sort of therapy too? I found antidepressants helpful, but much more so when I started going to see a therapist. I struggled with it after my first baby and it was really awful, but with some work, it will get better. Sending lots of emotional healing your way:)

  8. britt Says:
    July 21st, 2010 at 12:14 pm

    not all husbands, even ones in their 20′s, want sex all the time! jeez, people always say that and then if your husband ever passes it up or doesn’t initiate it, the women feels like a loser. you look amazing and i’m not just saying that! give yourself four months and i bet you’ll be amazed by the changes!

  9. Lauren Says:
    July 21st, 2010 at 1:30 pm

    You look amazing!! And your boobs are so nice! I really hope you can talk things out with your husband. If you both make a good effort than things should begin to get better. My husband and I normally have a wonderful sexlife but it didn’t get back to complete normal until my son was 6 months old. Thats when I personally started to feel like myself and sexier once again. You are beautiful! Dont forget it. :)

  10. Jaymye Says:
    July 21st, 2010 at 1:45 pm

    Bear in mind your husband is now dealing with the providing for one more mouth. He’s worried, he’s working harder now, and he’s going to get tired.

  11. jean Says:
    July 21st, 2010 at 2:17 pm

    beautiful!! i’m really jealous of your lack of stretch marks and skin tone. my hubby’s the same way, sex is important but not the only aspect of the relationship. i’d like it more sometimes but it’s gotta be a mutual thing.

  12. lilo Says:
    July 21st, 2010 at 6:40 pm

    I think you look amazing!!! Serioulsy I do!! I thought those pics were before pics. I dont see anything ugly about you. From someone who feels the same way as you i send you tons and truck loads of hugs. I know it’s hard but I don’t see the uglyness in you my dear!! I see a beautiful girl.. I wish I had your body… lots of love to you!

  13. Margie Says:
    July 21st, 2010 at 7:11 pm

    To Briana, Just because a guy is 50 doesn’t mean he doesn’t want sex all the time. My husband is 50 and he wants it all the time and I don’t look near as good as she does. Yet he loves me anyway! :-)

  14. Mary V Says:
    July 21st, 2010 at 8:28 pm

    Your body is beautiful! I am sorry that you are so down… After my second baby I felt like I needed more help getting my thoughts together and more time for ME, so I picked up yoga and it has been amazing, I feel relaxed, sleep well, and my eating habits have improved so I have lost weight. I also do pilates, which helps to really suck in your post baby tummy and tighten all those muscles. We are our own worst critic, your body is amazing… I cant believe you are 3 months pp!

  15. brittany Says:
    July 21st, 2010 at 8:39 pm

    if someone like you feels ugly then someone like me has no hope of ever being beautiful….

  16. Kira Says:
    July 21st, 2010 at 10:14 pm

    Girl, you are gorgeous. Have you looked at yourself in the mirror? I see no “muffin top” and you have BEAUTIFUL curves. What I would give to have your breasts! And I can’t believe your strech marks are soo faint after only being 3 mpp with you SECOND. You should be proud of the body you have. Honestly, it’s beautiful, and you know what.. your kids love you unconditionally, stretch marks, hips, tiny bit of extra skin, all of it, and those are the two most important critics :]

  17. Anon. (author) Says:
    July 22nd, 2010 at 12:43 am

    Thanks for all the kind words and support ladies! The meds have been working amazingly for me, and my husband and my relationship has never been better. I’m now 4 months pp – and have lost another 6lbs since I initially posted this. I think I’m slowly starting to regain my confidence – but I do still see a stranger when I look in the mirror, however I no longer at myself and start to cry! I hope I can get to the point where I am comfortable in my own skin.

  18. Amy Says:
    July 22nd, 2010 at 2:46 am

    Hey- i know a bit about depression (like a lot of the women who’ve posted here) and i think when you’re in the state you’re in, you probably would find fault with your body no matter what. Just try and hang in there and remember you are only 3 mths pp! give yourself a break- i bet you will look back in a year at these photos and think “gee, i really didn’t look as bad as i thought”- best of luck!

  19. svetla Says:
    July 22nd, 2010 at 5:26 am

    You look very sexy! And you must not forget that you gave life to two children. But my advice is to pay more attention to your husband.I mean that you have to talk to him seriously about your sex life.There is a reason and its not because he is tired.I tell you that because same thing happened to me. I didnt talk with him when I had to and six months after i had my son I found out that my husband have a lover.So talk to him!

  20. boom Says:
    July 22nd, 2010 at 3:10 pm

    omg theres not a single thing wrong with ur body girl.

  21. anon Says:
    July 22nd, 2010 at 5:22 pm

    There are actually several online forums, support groups and articles for people whose spouses don’t want sex. The definition of a sexless marriage is 10 or less times a year, but if you’re asking all the time and he’s refusing, even if you’re over 10, join one anyway. You will find support and realize you’re not crazy and you’re not the only woman with a husband who does not want sex.

    I wish I had known this years ago. My husband lost interest in sex almost as soon as I moved in with him and I spent years hating myself, my body and thinking it was my fault. It took so long to realize that it was him.

    And I hope one day soon you realize you are gorgeous. Because you are.

  22. Bonney Says:
    July 22nd, 2010 at 7:51 pm

    Aww. Part of it is society. You have to live in the real world. And by that, I dont mean lower your expectations for how you look. You have a beautiful body. But what about your soul?
    Your soul is invisible; you cant take a picture of it, and it dies when it is neglected. You are more than just a physical body. Maybe you are depressed. Is there anything you can do? Maybe you can go to a support group, or a church nearby. We’re not meant to be alone.

    Also, maybe youre just not used to it. Your post-mommy body is a shock to you just like a new haircut would be. Sometimes its just a matter of getting used to the new wideness of hips and more dramatic curves.

    Give it time and try to find ways to encourage your soul. You’ve just been through one of the biggest miracles in the world.. and God loves you.

  23. Bonney Says:
    July 22nd, 2010 at 7:54 pm

    Also, meant to stress this to you but forgot… You look amazing!! You truly do not have a muffin top. Your hips are just wider.

    Why dont you experiment with different brands of clothes? Theyre cut differently and will emphasize this and minimize that so that you feel fresh and pretty again. You just have to find out what works for you in your new body.

    Congrats on your babies!!

  24. Donny Says:
    July 23rd, 2010 at 7:12 am

    Please don’t be so hard on your self, you are beautiful!!! I am the father of two boys 4 & 6 and I have been down the road your on with my partner. Please don’t assume you husbands lack of interest is due to you. When babies come we often have feelings that we are not use to dealing with and sex can be difficult to comprehend. My best advice would be to spend some time alone and talk to him. Let him know how his lack of interest in you makes you feel. You are a very beautiful women so keep your chin up and be the best mommy you can be!!!! :)

  25. Umma Says:
    July 23rd, 2010 at 11:27 am

    you are hot!!

  26. Jason Says:
    July 23rd, 2010 at 9:37 pm

    I’m a guy and take it from me you look FANTASTIC!!

  27. Adrian Says:
    July 25th, 2010 at 2:48 am

    Speaking as an another guy, believe me, the vast majority of guys would be thrilled if their partners had a figure like yours BEFORE having children, let alone after! Your “muffin top” is simply some attractive slightly-enhanced curves that come with being a mum! Maybe your husband might find it thought-provoking to see these comments?

  28. Dani Says:
    July 25th, 2010 at 9:09 pm

    HONEY! you look GREAT!! i would NEVER guess you’re 3 months PP with your second child! keep your chin up and don’t “deal” with your PPD by yourself… i hope you’re reaching out to someone for help, i kept mine to myself and i was severely depressed for the first 9 months after i had my daughter. it’s tough as a young mommy to let go of what your idea of a “youthful” body looks like, but i assure you, you got lucky and have an amazing body. if you cant learn to like what you have, learn to love what you DONT have, like stretchmarks… try to find comfort in the little things first… cheer up momma!

  29. Patty Says:
    July 27th, 2010 at 6:49 am

    you have a GORGEOUS young mother’s body, you should be proud!! I agree with others here who say you should talk to him about it and be honest, because he might not even realize what he has now! but keep your head up hon :) you’re beautiful! I esp. LOVE your boobs lol they are perfect!

  30. Kelly Says:
    July 27th, 2010 at 11:08 am

    Dang girl!! All I saw was boobs!! Man, I’m super jealous!! lol and you look fantastic!! I love seeing that little thing on all these mama’s bellys right above the panty line it’s like just a little … i can’t even think of the word for it, but I’ve been so disgusted with myself and this website a LONG time ago, after I had my son (I was 18 for a whole month), really helped me realize that even though I hate them, my strech marks are a badge of honor! You’re still tiny and gorgeous and your husband needs a kick in the butt if he thinks otherwise! Chin up sweetie!!

  31. Jen Says:
    July 27th, 2010 at 2:57 pm

    Holy cow I wish I looked like you!!! You look amazing~

  32. destiny Says:
    July 29th, 2010 at 12:29 am

    you look incredible for having two kids. I hope I look like that after I have my second baby. :) Smile and know that you are beautiful. Post partum will drag you down a bit more about your perception on yourself, but just know it will pass and your body is still regulating itself after the second baby. I had HORRIBLE post partum depression, I thought I was hideous and gross and cried and couldn’t keep my emotions under control for a couple months. I wish I knew about this site, it couldve helped me get the reassurance I needed. So, now I can tell you what I wanted to hear the most in that time, That you are gorgeous, you did an amazing job by giving life to two beautiful kids and to give yourself some time, you have a life ahead of you that you can work on becoming used to your new body and work on it to fit your standards better.

    You are grogeous, I cant say that enough.

  33. talia Says:
    August 6th, 2010 at 9:07 pm

    You look absolutely beautiful!

  34. Mariah Says:
    August 12th, 2010 at 11:39 am

    You can’t stand to look in the mirror?!?!?!! Wow!!! You look absolutely gorgeous!!!!

  35. JBags Says:
    August 14th, 2010 at 8:21 am

    As both a guy and a father, I think you look more than both okay and beautiful, you are AWESOME! I know how hard it can be to battle depression, I have to fight it constantly after my ex told me I am no longer allowed to see my son let alone think of him as such (he’s not legally or biologically mine, I just raised him from birth to 4 years and continue to love him like he is mine). That’s beside the point though, you are AMAZING! I hope you can someday believe that of yourself, if anything look to your friends for support!

  36. NH Says:
    August 15th, 2010 at 2:02 pm

    Are you serious???? You look amazing Im pregnant with my second and I hope I’ll look as good as you after I have my girl….Dont let your husbands actions get to you….be confident and you should act confident infront of him too you look great!!

  37. Camille Says:
    September 6th, 2010 at 1:18 pm

    Girl you look really good…You husband is like mine in a way…I agree with NH do not let your husbands actions get to you..or make you feel ugly…The only time my spouse wants to compliment me is when he is horny…thats the only time i get it out of him…You are still young and very beautiful woman…We both look the same in some ways as well….I have had 3 kids..so i know what it feel likes to have them…I have to agree with the rest of the others…Your amazingly beautiful…incredibly sexy woman..any man not to like you has to be on drugs…be confident…stand with your head up high…never let anyone make you feel ugly..

  38. Kitty Says:
    September 13th, 2010 at 3:18 pm

    You look freakin’ awesome girl! You should love yoru body, it’s curvy and sexy.

    I’m 26 and have had two kids and my boobs DO NOT look that good. :)

    Thanks for sharing your posts.

  39. DeeDee Says:
    September 23rd, 2010 at 7:12 am

    Hey girl! I dont know you, but i feel as if we are twins.. I had my second child in September 2004. Yea 6 years i ago. I let my postpartum depression go on for a year. I got worse, started getting anxiety and panic attacks, OCD, post traumatic stress, and far more then imaginable. Even an eating disorder. Hope things are better for you now. I ever got of fear of being in public, i was ashamed of my body. I am now 99 to 101 pound. And still fill fat. Yea i know. I took to the extreme. I am getting help!

  40. memi Says:
    September 28th, 2010 at 11:11 pm

    you look great be proud of your body!

  41. jeremy Says:
    October 18th, 2010 at 2:40 pm

    you have a gorgeous body. if i were your husband you would be complimented emotionally and physically. dont let that get you down you are very sexy

  42. Valerie Says:
    March 24th, 2011 at 9:15 pm

    Your body and thoughts remind me of mine. I think you have a super cute body. SUPER CUTE. I think you may have a mind block like me. Wishing for the past. My husband is the same way, he does not tell me i’m beautiful unless I ask. Our sex life sucks because I don’t have the confidence I used to. I can never help thinking he wishes for a “younger” body even though I am 22!

    I hope it gets better for us.

  43. L Says:
    April 25th, 2011 at 2:22 pm

    You look amazing!!! Your body especially your blobs are hot. Im a mom I wish I had girls like yours lol. I too feel dissatisfied with my body but my husband wants sex all the tine he loved me before kids anne loves me now.. talk to your man see what’s going on. My husband works hard and sometimes he is sick or tired and we don’t do it but then there are some crazy selfish guys out there that don’t like there girls body after baby… your guys crazy if he would think your less then cause your not. My guy loves curvy women sometimes he tells.me that girl is beauiful or whatever when we see a curvy woman. Im not jealous but it reminds me he loves me because im curvy and don’t have to be les then what I am.

  44. Katie Says:
    July 14th, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    You have beautiful breast!

  45. Meghan Says:
    September 14th, 2011 at 8:19 am

    i love your body! (nice boobies) lol! :)

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