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From Hot to Not (Anonymous)

June 7, 2009

I’m a 20 year old single mother to a beautiful baby boy and I HATE my new body. Before I got pregnant I was 5’8 138lbs and wore a size 4. I gained 55lbs while I was pregnant and I did nothing but sit and eat. All I did was eat and I regret more then anything. My doctor knew I was going to have a large baby so I was induced 2 days before my due date. I was in labor for 30 hours when finally a nurse felt my stomach and realized my son was sunny side up. I was then prepped for a C-section. My son was born March 3, 2009 weighing in at 9lbs 8oz and 21.5 inches.

The first time I look in the mirror and saw my new body was 2 days after the c-section. I was getting in the shower and got a glance of myself in the mirror. WHAT? Is that me? I was so disgusted with the was I looked.. Every time I took a step I felt my fat jiggle. I cried the whole time in the shower looking at my legs and my stomach. My stomach was covered in stretch marks up to my belly button, despite my effort to religiously moisturize it. My once tight and firm tummy looked like a road map was on it.

11 weeks PP now. I’m weighing in at 150. I’m of course happy that I’m loosing weight quickly, but the stretchmarks still remain.. And that’s what hurts the most. I feel ugly and unattractive still. I live in walking distance to the beach and I used to just put on my little bikini and walk to the beach and I’m incredibly depressed I can’t wear a bikini anymore. I had a great figure before I got pregnant and now I just look gross. I’m so insecure with the way I look. I feel I will never feel good about my body again. My breast were once a small B are now a full C small D. I’m breastfeeding and I can already tell my breast will not be the same once I’m finished breastfeeding.

I love my son more then anything and I would rather look the way I do now then not have him but I’d definitely looking into treatments to reduce the appearance of my stretchmarks.

The first 3 photos are me pre-pregnancy and the last 3 are of my stomach (currently 11 weeks PP)

Updated here.

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33 Responses to “From Hot to Not (Anonymous)”

  1. Megan Says:
    June 7th, 2009 at 9:20 am

    I was expecting too see this “hanging” “stretch-marked” mass you speak of… but I don’t see it. Those marks are going to fade big time and you will wear a bikini again. I don’t think it’s nearly as dramatic as you think it is. Give it time, and you will see a huge difference.

  2. Judith Says:
    June 7th, 2009 at 9:48 am

    From your text I wondered just what the pics were going to look like. For goodness sake girl – it’s only 11 weeks and your tummy looks FANTASTIC. I can’s see a road map, but I can see a waist and womanly curves. Get that bikini out and TRY IT ON. Then give it a few months of healthy eating, exercise, walking with your baby and enjoying breastfeeding. C-D cup is the average these days so you were small, but you will shrink and be a bit softer after you stop feeding, but even women who do not have babies get like that in time. Don’t be so hard on yourself!

  3. Amy Says:
    June 7th, 2009 at 9:55 am

    Honey, seriously, you look great.

  4. Leah Says:
    June 7th, 2009 at 10:40 am

    Sweetheart, give yourself some more time. 11 weeks is NOTHING for healing your body from something so drastic.

    It took me about 10 months before I looked at myself in the mirror and felt “normal.” I still have some of the baby weight, and my stretchmarks are monsters compared to yours. But I fit in my old jeans finally, and I am to a point where I just don’t give a d*** about what other people might think if I decide to wear a swimsuit and go out in public. I’m doing it for MY enjoyment, not theirs. And seeing my baby girl playing in the sand is too great a joy to let fear of what someone might think I my stretchmarks.

    And you know what? When I see a woman with stretchmarks on her belly, my first thought isn’t “gross!” but rather “I bet her children are beautiful.” and I think about how selfless she was to sacrifice her outward beauty for them.

  5. Nikki Says:
    June 7th, 2009 at 1:04 pm

    Honestly, you STILL look HOT!!! I would kill for your stomach! The line will dissappear and the stretch marks fade. What I have left (from a 10 lb. 1 oz baby – gained 40) is LOOSE SKIN!!! And that is one thing that DOES NOT go away. Trust me, the stretch marks fade and there is a secret to get them to fade fast. Soak in the tub for about 10-15 minutes. Then, dry off and take Swiss Miss apricot scrub and a tablespoon or two of olive oil and mix together and using a wooden (knubby- like this http://bermudalinens.com/images/WBM6.jpg) body massager scrub for 5 minutes (your skin will turn red!) then wash it off and apply a good quality vitamen e/cologen mosturizer. Do this 2 or 3 time a week and in a month or two they will be almost invisable. Good luck, from one young mom to another ( I had my first at 20, and now at 26 I have 4 beatiful babies!)

  6. Angèle Says:
    June 7th, 2009 at 1:48 pm

    OMG Hun! I know you think you look awful, but please know that you look outstanding and omg, you are only 11 weeks out! It took you 9 months to gain that weight.. please dont expect your body to «bounce» back! And for crying out loud, I would die to have a belly like yours!!

    Stretch marks fade tremendously, every single day, they get lighter and lighter.. I promise!!

  7. Misty Says:
    June 7th, 2009 at 1:52 pm

    I would kill for your stomach too lol. You still look very firm and in no time you will look exactly the same as before. lucky. :)

  8. Christie Says:
    June 7th, 2009 at 4:15 pm

    OMG hon you look amazing, you are almost back to the way you were already! Personally I’m never going to get there, but I’m ok with that. Your linea nigra will fade in time most likley and then I can’t see any imperfections, you’ll be rocking that bikini in no time Best of luck xox

  9. shannon Says:
    June 7th, 2009 at 5:00 pm

    YOU LOOK AMAZING! GOOD JOB :)

  10. mrs. petunia Says:
    June 7th, 2009 at 7:01 pm

    I think it’s tough when you have this picture perfect ideal body (by, you know, societal standards) before kids. Any change that happens, however minor, is going to seem drastic and much unappreciated. You were very attached to your beautiful and flawless body and you’re just grieving that loss. That’s ok. Really, it’s ok. All that being said, from looking at your pictures I can see that you are still quite attractive, even from the strict and unforgiving societal standard. With a bit of time, diet, and exercise, it will be hard to tell the “before” from the “after”. So hang in there and give yourself some space to grieve. Then, when ready, you will be able to love yourself just as you are.

  11. Mary Says:
    June 7th, 2009 at 7:09 pm

    You really do look great, and your going to get better and better, my son was born March 9th and I wish my tummy was as flat as yours! It can be really frustrating having your body change so much within a year, but know that the stretch marks will fade and become smooth and pretty soon there will be no “jiggle” at the rate your going, you look fantastic! And dont shy away from your bikini… if I saw you on the beach I would be JEALOUS!!!

  12. kay Says:
    June 7th, 2009 at 7:34 pm

    if i had ur belly i’d be such a happy camper! the line in the middle will go away eventually. i had to take extra iron and vitamins so i had the dark lines in every fold of my body – belly, underarms, neck and behind the knees…it ALL went away after a few months. U look great and will be back in a bikini in no time!

  13. Jill Says:
    June 7th, 2009 at 7:35 pm

    I’m sorry if this offends you, but looking at your pictures I can’t help but laugh! You still look Amazing!! Your stomach is so freakishly flat still I’m insanely jealous! Smile lady!

    And PS, the comment above mine is DEAD ON! My stretch marks are nothing now but beautiful shimmery lines of love :)

  14. Ashley Says:
    June 7th, 2009 at 8:42 pm

    Your stretchmarks are SOOOO tiny! They’re fade to nothing in no time! You look great for 11wks pp!

  15. Shealene Says:
    June 7th, 2009 at 9:09 pm

    Girl! You’re only 11 weeks pp, I looked exactly the same around then and I was like, “HELL YEAH! I look great!” Those little stretch marks’ll fade and you won’t even notice them. Give yourself a full year before you start saying negative things about your body. And hun, you still look awesome! Don’t sweat it!

  16. taiyo Says:
    June 7th, 2009 at 10:28 pm

    You look exactly the same!!! Gorgeous.

  17. mummyoftwodarlings Says:
    June 8th, 2009 at 2:20 am

    I know it’s all subjective and you are comparing your ‘now’ body to your ‘before’ body but you look great. There are lots of women whose bodies are changed beyond recognition after having babies and I wouldn’t say your’s is one of them! You don’t look all that different to before and your stretch marks are really fine and pale. If I were you I would wear a bikini every day!

  18. TracyKM Says:
    June 8th, 2009 at 4:52 am

    Moisturizer has no impact on if you’ll get stretchmarks. They are scars from the skin stretching beyond the capacity of the collagen. And, you said you spent a lot of time in the sun-the sun weakens collagen significantly (one reason it causes wrinkles). So, it was probably your bikini-wearing, sun-loving days that were your downfall (as well as genetics). But really—-you look way better at ONLY 10 weeks than I do a couple years PP!!!!! If you “can’t wear a bikini” then I guess I’m going to need a parka to go to the beach, LOL. If you want to wear a bikini, then why not? Don’t be so shallow!

  19. Danielle Buffardi Says:
    June 8th, 2009 at 5:55 am

    Why not think of it in terms of this:

    You just made a human being inside of you
    Gave them life….and made yourself a mother.

    Embrace every single change within you and your body. Be grateful for your beautiful son…who cares about stretch marks?

  20. Tera Says:
    June 8th, 2009 at 6:39 am

    I know how hard it is to see your body right after giving birth, but for 11 weeks pp? You look fantastic!

    That said:
    “5?8 138lbs and wore a size 4″
    I guess this tells me where sizing has gone. When I was in high school (20 years ago, but still…) I was 5’7″, 125lbs, and *never* wore anything smaller than a 7/9.

  21. Angela Says:
    June 8th, 2009 at 9:37 pm

    I perfectly understand the self-hatred. Pre-pregnancy I used to look great at 5’10”, 145 lbs and a size 6-8. I have done Martial Arts for 10 years before the pregnacy and I was very toned, strong and moved easily.Although I had my first baby at 35 and gained 40 lbs, I kinda regained my shape in 9 months. That’s when I got pregnant with my second baby. with two babies back to back I couldn’t work out for nearly 2 years and within those to years my body literally aged a decade. I was turning heads and was told I looked like I was 25 before I got pregnant and now I look like I am over 40. Although I work out five days a week and eat healthy, I haven’t lost an ounce in 2 years.And sadly, I still look like I am 6 months pregnant and my youngest son is now 2.The futilty of trying to get back in shape drove me into such a deep depression that I started drinking ( I was an absolute non-drinker before). While I was going through all this, a girlfriend of mine gave birth to a son and twin girls in the same years I did, She never had a great body and admitted that doesn’t feel that the weight gain and loss of her figure touched her so much. She didn’t lose something she never had: a great body. So I understand how bad you feel even if, in comparison to many other women, you look great, like everyone else confirmed. I know that you are comparing yourself to the knockout you used to be, like I do and the thought that your body will never be the same is unbearable. These feelings have nothing to do with not loving your child or regretting the pregnancy. People tend to forget that before you were a mother you were a woman and you gave it all up. For me, it wasn’t just my figure I lost, it was my sex drive too. I used to live for sex. I was multiorgasmic, highly sexual.Now the combination of self hatred,the stress of dealing with toddlers and financial worries made me completely lose all desire. I’ve had sex with my husband twice in the entire past year.I wish women were allowed to grieve for what they lost and not feel like they are taking away from their babies or denigrating motherhood for doing so.

  22. Catherine S Says:
    June 9th, 2009 at 6:42 am

    Read the post after yours, put down the mirror, and then go hug your son. You look fantastic and at 20, this may seem like end of the world to you. But give it a few years and I doubt you will care about your stretch marks.

  23. mrs. petunia Says:
    June 9th, 2009 at 8:15 pm

    Angela,
    I am so sad reading your post! You sound really distressed and unhappy about the suffering that you’ve had to go through. It’s such a huge loss to have something that was so important to your identity as a person and woman just…disappear. I think you’re going to need a good counselor to help you through this trauma. A therapist might help you to rediscover your self worth, with or without a “knockout” body. Right now though I can just feel your misery seeping from the page. Please go talk to somebody. Nobody deserves to live in that kinda pain.

  24. annemarie Says:
    June 10th, 2009 at 6:53 am

    you look great:) really great infact and your s-marks are very faint and will continue to fade, just enjoy being a mum xx

  25. Kara Says:
    June 10th, 2009 at 9:17 pm

    Stretchmarks are battle scars! =) They fade in time. You look WONDERFUL. <3

  26. Kim Says:
    June 18th, 2009 at 3:48 pm

    umm you’re still hot!

  27. Alexa Says:
    June 19th, 2009 at 12:03 am

    You look so amazing! I had my son on January 13th of this year, and I look NOTHING like that! I’m 5’4″ and I weighed 223 went I had my son and 5 months later, I weigh 190. I still have 60 pounds to go! But if I looked like you, I’ve never wear clothes, just bikinis.

    You look beautiful just the way you are!

  28. Alexa Says:
    June 19th, 2009 at 12:10 am

    I also get what Angela is saying and I know how the both of you feel. I was just telling my husband today how much I can’t stand looking in the mirror or even when I’m laying down trying to go to sleep, I hate when my hand brushes against my body and I feel all the stretchmarks and rolls. God, I had such a great body before. I mean I had thicks thighs and wide hips (which I hated at the time. God, I wish I could go back in time and slap myself) but not in a bad way, in sexy ‘real woman’ kinda way. I used to wear my jeans low and short shirts that hit a little above the top of my pants. Ahh…Those were the days.

  29. Shawna Says:
    July 3rd, 2009 at 1:52 pm

    Hey girl, you look awesome and I just want to say that those stretch marks you got there look about as mild as stretch marks get. They don’t look like they have huge indentations and they aren’t that vibrant red or purple colour so I assure you that in a year or so if you exfoliate lots they should be barely noticable then they already are.

  30. Erin Says:
    October 13th, 2009 at 8:58 pm

    Gorgeous and give it time!

  31. kimber Says:
    March 11th, 2010 at 11:29 pm

    i don’t even see stretch marks here. i think i need a tan, maybe that would help my stretch tattoos. you look AMAZING.

  32. wildnjoyful Says:
    March 12th, 2010 at 10:43 pm

    For years I fought my own body issues from birthing 2 children. It took years of reading and surrounding myself with real women. Don’t waste any years lamenting that in this moment you are not living up to society’s warped ideas of what beauty is. All of us women need to change those ideas but we must start in our own heads. Let’s accept and love our own bodies and in doing that we honor the motherhood of all women. Love yourself the way you are. It doesn’t mean that you can’t try to change things but you must start from love and self respect.

  33. KW Says:
    March 14th, 2010 at 2:14 pm

    I’m so jealous of your tummy! It looks great! Unfortunately, I guess it’s just your confidence that needs some working out, so focus on that instead of beating yourself up over a body that really is looking pretty fabulous.

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