I’ll be the first to admit I’m a little vain. It’s definitely not a quality I embrace, but still, it’s there.
As long as I can remember I have had body issues. Even when I was a scrawny, adolescent little girl, I remember wearing sweats or shorts over my leotard to my gymnastics classes. I would suck in in the mirror and see how long I could hold my stomach in. In middle school I was terrified of wearing a swimsuit during our school supervised trips to the pool. My next door neighbor and best friend was one of those girls who weighed 80 lbs dripping wet and her mom was so proud. She took us shopping for outfits to wear for the school talent show and I remember her praising her daughter for being so thin. I felt like a giant next to her.
The last few years I really came to terms with my body. I cut out processed food (with the exception of work goodies. Let’s not get crazy). I was running pretty regularly. I was happy with who I was and what I looked like. Then I found out I was pregnant.
It was not a surprise. We were trying. Still, I knew pregnancy would not be fun. Due to some pretty hefty fibroids my uterus started out the size of a four month pregnancy. Not so great on a vain girls ego. I was in constant pain and all of my old insecurities returned. I hated when people used the phrase eating for two. I cried at restaurants because I felt everything would go straight to the scale. I dreaded every doctors appointment due to the weigh in. Still, my baby boy grew and so did I. I measured ahead the whole time because of the ‘broids so my awesome ob didn’t put me through the torture of measuring the belly. One OB was so excited to see my large fibroids that he laughed out loud clapped his hands and exclaimed “You don’t see that everyday!”. Actually, I do. And if you don’t stfu I’m going to shove your stethoscope down your throat.
Did you have hot, young med students come to check out you super, cool growth? I did. Put my weight fears aside and inhaled a whole lotta Sonic after that appointment. I had 7 different creams for stretchmarks but despite a paltry 17lb weight gain they came.
I checked this site daily. I won’t lie, I looked for posts of girls who bounced back. I wanted hope that my body could be even close to what it was.
My little Phinny came six weeks early and was “The absolute healthiest 4 lb range baby he had ever seen” according to my pediatrician. My largest fibroid was so pronounced after I gave birth that my doctor joked I was going to scare all the nurses. I was surprised I didn’t care. In fact, I didn’t care about a lot of things. Sure I was rubbing cream on my belly, hoping the marks would fade, but I was ok. Giant boobs, those I hated. I nursed and pumped for a little over a year (never thought I could do it!) and then the boobs went away.
Here I am 14 months later and just now am I really starting to worry about my body. The days where I try on 3+ outfits out number the ones I don’t and I’m really wishing I had more time to go out for a run. Still. I may not be one of those you could never tell she was pregnant girls, but I’m pretty satisfied. Don’t ask me five minutes from now because I might change my mind.