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Damaged Love (Anonymous)

Previous Posts: Who am I & Missing you always and forever

My love for myself is as I would describe it…Damaged. Those who used to know me, knew me as a fun loving person, someone who loved to dance, sing, act and laugh. What they didn’t know about me is that when I was the pure age around 5..? I learned of oral sex from a kid about 5 or so years older. At about the age of 7 is when it ended, when as I can remember my little brother caught things happening and told my mom. I don’t remember what my mom said to me but since then I have felt only disgust for myself. My therapist finally got this out of me just about 5 years ago, she wanted my mom to come to my counselling session with me at some point. I procrastinated asking my mom because I felt embarrassed, then she got sick and I didn’t want to put any more on her “plate”. Well now my mom has passed and I talk to her all the time still but I will never be able to hear any answers to the questions and hurt I have been through. I don’t blame her though or the boy who sexually and emotionally scarred me. I later found out that the boy himself had been abused and I felt sad for him as well. My therapist has tried to make me imagine myself talking to the little girl I once was but it is so difficult because of the disgust and hate I felt for myself has only grown over the many years of self loathing.

I can remember in grade 6 (GRADE 6) laying in the bathtub looking at my “fat” stomach wishing I was thinner, looking in the mirror and wishing I was pretty. I can’t believe how young I was to feel such hate, to feel so alone. I sat one day on the floor of the bathroom and cried until I couldn’t see, I took a razor and marked my wrist, it was a small mark because it hurt and I was scared and do you know what I thought of myself? That I was weak, I couldn’t even cut my wrist. I came out of the bathroom and my brothers friend was in the kitchen and he asked if I was ok, I said “Yes” and that was that. I was never the girl who got the boy, that is until high school when I was thin (sometimes starving), out of the “awkward” stage, and had been to the tanning beds way to often. Boys started to take an interest and I loved it, not realizing how damaging it could be to me. They only wanted one thing and I was no use to them if I said no. I never slept with many, but I can honestly say now that I’m an adult I wish I would’ve waited for “the one”.

The summer before my grade 12 year is when I met “the one”, he was sexy, he was funny and everyone knew of him. He went to school with my sister who is a couple years older than I and she can remember me having a crush on _____________. I can remember when we started dating I actually said to him “I can’t believe I’m dating _________”. I was so young and in love. After about 3 months of dating I found out I had an STD from a previous partner and needed surgery very soon. I was terrified of losing this man I put on a pedestal but I told him anyway. He was amazing through it all, he went to 2 surgeries with me and never made me feel bad for exposing him to HPV. We both said I love you very early on and he proposed just 9 months after we started dating. Of course I said yes! I would get “Are you actually marrying _________(first and last name)?!” like he was some star. Looking back I guess I never felt like I measured up to him. Fast forward to my “Who am I” post and “Missing you always and forever” post and that basically brings us to today.

I am broken down and feel like I can no longer fight. 3 months ago my husband told me he is addicted to porn. I asked him for how long he said since before me. It shattered whatever I had left in me. I have taken this man to couples counselling and he assured me and my therapist that there was nothing going on, he basically let me and my therapist believe it was my own insecurities all these years that made me question his love and attraction for me. He fooled us both. I sat by the grave yard for hours wishing I could talk to and hug my mom. I drove to a friends house after that and passed by train tracks and contemplated suicide. I parked beside the tracks for a while but continued on to my friends house. I contacted my therapist the next day. I had so many thoughts and questions….

It feels like I’ve been cheated on multiple times.
You proved my fear (of not being or looking good enough for you)….. right.
Every time you chose porn it was over me and our relationship and family.
It hurts so bad that you have to learn to want and like me again.
I hate you so much it hurts.
I feel bad for you.
I feel angry that I feel bad for you.
I feel dead inside.
I feel like I was cheated out of the last 14 years of my life, our relationship feels like a sham.
I want to burn every picture of us and my boudoir album that you chose not to look at and instead looked and watched them.
I feel that someone who loves another wouldn’t put them through this.
I feel like our home is broken.
I feel like this is the last straw on my self-esteem.
I feel like I lost my husband and best friend.
I feel like you didn’t protect me. I’m scared that I will never feel sexy or beautiful again.
I feel so stupid that I never knew.
I’m scared that I will never feel loved again.
I’m scared We will never be ok.
I’m scared We won’t work it out.
“And unlike other drugs, which users get out of their system, pornographic images stay imprinted in the brain.”
“What is disturbing, however, is that in clinical trials where subjects are exposed to repeated presentations of pornography over a six week period, the subjects are found by the end of the trial to devalue monogamy and cease to regard marriage as a lasting institution.”
I will never be able to get this out of my head.
I will have a panic attack and cry every time we have sex or try to have sex.
I will never trust you.
You will go back to using porn.
I will have this burning in my stomach and chest forever.
I will always be nauseous.
I’m scared that I am too weak to leave and I am scared that I should leave.
I’m scared we won’t feel like a family again.
I’m scared I will feel like you are always looking at other women or ARE looking at other women.
I’m scared I will never trust you to be alone again.
I’m scared you will skin to skin cheat.
You chose them over me for 14 years, I’m scared you always will or want to.

All these years I have felt alone. All these years I’ve been telling you I need more, I need the compliments and reassurance. All these years you have been choosing other women over me. All these years we could’ve been having sex, instead you made me feel not good enough. You didn’t compliment me, you lied to my face, you made me feel crazy that I felt like something just wasn’t right. How am I to do this!!!

How come porn is so easily accessible and cheap …… FREE even!! I have even looked at it myself because my husband told me he had favorites so of course curiosity got the best of me and now I know what his “ideal” woman looks like and know that I will never look anything close to it even if I lost weight and had multiple surgeries I wouldn’t look like that. I wish it did not exist. I can’t even sleep in the same bed as my own husband anymore. I feel like porn has taken my person and my home (my safe place) away from me. Even though my husband is going to an addictions counsellor once a week, reading and doing work books, and I am seeing my own therapist, I am still scared with what choices I am left with. If I leave, I am leaving the man I love and can’t imagine being without. I also can’t imagine seeing him and my boys with another woman in their lives with this option. My second choice would be to stay, and to stay means to let go (not forgive), I will need to let go and try to move forward with little trust and having the feelings I do I don’t know how……

in Motherless Mothers, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Submissions

4 comments… add one

  • shakti` Monday, December 28, 2015, 6:11 pm

    Porn is a difficult thing in our modern word, it is so pervasive and really designed to be addictive. All men ages 35(probably even older) and younger are specifically targeted and exposed and it is highly addicting. Many men in this age group actually are initiated and educated sexually by porn. Its a huge issue and more and more are surfacing as addicts. Luckily recovery has a high success rate. But you have to understand, I know that it is difficult, but it is not about you. There are a few really great TED Talks out there worth listening to, just google TED(and books, “The Porn Trap”). Sounds like he is working a program and committed to the process. My advice to you would be to get back to yourself. Maybe you are not ready to make any decisions yet… and that is ok. but who were you before you had kids? what are your interests? hobbies? get back to taking care of your body, exercise, eat right and rest. Remember your younger self and what made you feel sexy and confident. Yes most of us mothers have stretch marks and have expanded in places never imagined but that does not mean we should just give up on our sexiness. I think that we have even more capacity for sexiness now as women, as mothers.
    I know it is difficult to not obsess with this right now but instead spend that energy on yourself. After all, you are the women he has fallen in love with. As mothers, we give so much to our children and our partners. Make a commitment to give a portion of that to yourself. You mentioned that even if you lost weight and had surgeries “you wouldn’t look like that” but how about you instead of trying to look like “that” commit to becoming the most healthy version of yourself. Mothers teach their kids so much about sexuality and beauty, pamper and love yourself. Media tries to dictate what is beautiful, sexy and attractive but we know that attraction comes in all forms. To me, sexy is confidence, strength and good health; physically and mentally. Try to find where you lost yourself and come back to yourself. You need your love and everything else will fall into place. All relationships that last go through some sort of trauma, its how we evolve, forgive and learn to love deeply. It is hard work but true love is worth it.
    hugs to you during this time.

  • Morgan Tuesday, December 29, 2015, 9:38 pm

    I just want to start off by saying that I am so sorry that you are going through what you are. You are such a strong woman to be putting in so much effort to try to work it out with your husband despite the significant emotional scarring. Your story has shaken me to the core because from an age that was much too young I was exposed to two destructive relationships with two men who were addicted to porn. It is an addiction that is more disgusting than any other. You are right when you say that it will stick in thier minds and those images will forever be engraved In thier mind. I wish so much that I could get therapy for how badly being in those relationships destroyed me. I’ll never have self confidence never have self worth will never be able to trust will constantly be thinking that whoever I’m with will be looking at Porn behind my back , or any second that they are alone. And the worst of all that they will be thinking of those images during intercourse. How disgusting is that! Even with Therapy I know that there’s no way I’ll ever be the same. I hope and pray that therapy will heal your hurts. How porn addiction effects women wives and partners is something unfortunately never mentioned. The fact that society today feeds these images so freely so openly. It’s practically shoved down the throat of everyone! Especially our young children. I wish that there was something that could be done. But the damage is being done every second. I’m so sorry once again for your struggles. Bless your sweet heart. I don’t know you but I feel as though I truly connect to your heart wrenching story. Just know you Are loved and special and beautiful and worth so much more than this!

  • Your husband's twin Saturday, January 9, 2016, 10:36 pm

    This will get better, then he will hurt you again, then he will say he has stopped, and he has not. Us men that have this addiction, fail to get rid of it. Due to the fact that we (and yes, I said we) have been hiding it for so long without anyone having a clue, proves to us that we are great liars and can hide it even after releasing the secret. The only way to truly trust him again, and know that he is not looking at porn is to remove the Internet access from your home…this includes his smartphone, and remove or block any channel on the television that may have a nude image of a female on it.
    Now that you know this is an on-going issue that may never stop, let me be real honest with you. Even though I am exactly like your husband, please believe me when I say he loves you more than anything i the world. He he an extremely high sex drive and if you allow him to be open and honest about it, and you accept him for who he is, and maybe even embrace and act out some of his fantasies, he may truly stop looking at porn. Now, this does require you to feel good in your own body. Here is how my wife of 12 years has done that: she no longer waits around for me to make a move, she goes to the gym at least 3 times a week, and weight lifts. The main key to all of this is that my wife has made sure to have a group of friends that is completely separate from me, this will ensure that you can start to open up and be yourself and say whatever you want without having to think of his past actions.

    Please understand, I am not endorsing what he did is okay, nor am I saying you need to leave because he will never stop. What I do want to say, is that because you did not catch him and he told you up front, that is a great sign that he wants to stop his addiction and even thought he may not have said it, he is asking you for help for him to stop.

    You do not have to worry about him having a skin to skin cheat, us married men who have this addiction and have hid it most of our lives, would never go the physical route of cheating. I know these things because I have been a part of a Sexual Addicts Anonymous (SAA) group for many years now.

    I could type you a book on things to help you, and ways to understand your husband’s mind, but I have to get back to my normal life. I really wish you wouldn’t hurt or blame yourself for his actions. It was not done against you, it was just continued once he got with you. Through my interactions with my group and my therapists, we determined that my addiction began before I was ten years old, and I hid it from everyone. I am sorry for the pain I and your husband have created in our marriages.

    If I find more time, I will continue to type about this. If you wish for me to stop, I will upon request. Be positive to yourself, be

  • Anonymous Sunday, January 10, 2016, 10:16 pm

    Hello “my husbands twin”, I would be lying if I said your comment didn’t hurt and give me some anxiety. Knowing that most men go back to it scares me to my core. May I ask what route you and your wife took in regards to sex after telling her? The addictions therapist is saying “no sex for 90 days” and my therapist is saying “sex will give you some sort of closeness right now and how are you to not want to sex when your husband is finally showing you affection”. If you or your wife have any suggestions that would be great.

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