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21 and Heartbroken (Anonymous)

I found out I was pregnant just before Christmas, after a few weeks of morning sickness and painful cramps. But I unfortunately made the decision to have a termination due to many different factors in my life and haven’t told anybody about it apart from my boyfriend. We’ve been together now for over two and a half years and he’s been so supportive with everything. I can talk to Him about anything but I feel embarrassed, guilty and very selfish about what I’ve done and have started to fall into a sort of depression. My older sister found out she was expecting a few weeks before I did and seeing her go through this experience when I could have been as well is killing me. I know it’s my own fault but it was the right decision for us both at the time. I just want my angel to know that I am so sorry for everything that has happened I know that doesn’t make up for what I have done, but I will love you forever.

I was just in need of some support or advice

in Abortion/Life after Abortion, No Photos (Story Only), Submissions
7 comments… add one
  • Sister Wednesday, February 3, 2016, 1:57 pm

    Thank you for sharing your story. When I was 19 I had gotten pregnant before Christmas and had an abortion as well. I fell into a deep deep deep depression. It took about ten years to heal. And I suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of my second child. I was terrified “God” would punish me by taking my baby away. I couldn’t sleep for fear she would pass away while I was sleeping. It was horrible! I then got the help that I should have gotten back when I had the abortion. I strongly suggest that you go talk to someone. The guilt will eat you alive and affect everything. Even if you don’t know it. There is goodness beyond this I promise!! — Now mother of 4 beautiful perfect children

  • Dawn Wednesday, February 3, 2016, 2:53 pm

    I’m so sorry that you’re hurting right now. We always tend to second-guess ourselves, but you made a hard decision that only you could make for yourself. That’s all anyone can do. Try to trust yourself, and stop beating yourself up. Please try to give yourself some love.

  • Bella Saturday, February 6, 2016, 9:49 am

    Hi dear, if you start to fall in to a depression you can contact a therapist to help you through the grieving prosess. I’m shore there were solid reasons that made you chose what you did. Don’t beat your self up over this, you need acceptance and love. Big hugs from me that also made the same choise as you, 20 years ago.

  • Sala Saturday, February 6, 2016, 10:57 am

    Thank you for sharing your story and for your trust in doing so. I just had my first child and have never had to make such a difficult decision like you had to. I believe that when people make hard decisions and go through something as traumatic as what you went through (because it was a form of trauma that you experienced), one needs to be extremely gentle and forgiving of oneself. It will take time and patience, but I agree with some of the comments above, it might help to seek help with this. I have had other forms of trauma (multiple) and I remember hating it when my mom would suggest getting help. I wasn’t ready for it and I didn’t need someone telling me what to do with my pain. Although I did just suggest seeking help (it doesn’t necessarily need to be a therapist, it could be a mentor, an understanding friend, a support group in your area, or whomever/whatever you find most helpful), it is always within your power of when or if this happens. You are an incredibly strong, brave woman. It was not at all a selfish decision because you recognized that you did not have the means to provide for this child all that a child needs. You prevented what could have been a worse situation for your child. Be kind to yourself. I wish you all the best and that this pain and guilt becomes easier to deal with and eventually goes away.

  • Gerda Sunday, February 7, 2016, 11:44 am

    Just so much love for you.
    Sometimes we have to do the hardest things, but I believe you did it out of love.
    You are going to heal. One day it won’t hurt like this.

  • marie Saturday, February 20, 2016, 9:02 am

    Oh sweetness, that’s hard. The hormones don’t help. I had 4 miscarriages ( they self aborted) and it was awful. You did the right thing for both you and your angel. I firmly believe she’ll find her way back to you when you’re both ready. I think my son just didn’t want the first 4 bodies he was offered.

  • Lola Wednesday, February 24, 2016, 11:31 pm

    I know how you feel. I had an abortion 15 years ago, and even though it wasn’t the best time for me either, I was depressed, too. Like you, I have a relative who got pregnant at the same time, so every time I look at him, I think I could have a kid his age.

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