Previous entry here.
It is over 6 months later, and since my previous entry I’ve only been able to lose 10 lbs. My husband has had surgeries, I picked up a second job and am working 45 or so hours, 6 days a week. I cannot afford a gym membership, and wouldn’t have the time to spend at one. Since the beginning of the year, I’ve committed to getting more active and losing 10 lbs by April 18th. I’ve joined a Biggest Loser contest at my workplace to help motivate me. It is a struggle every day to find time to be active when there are so many more responsibilities – cleaning house, dishes, laundry (I cloth diaper as well), cooking and bedtime routines. After all this, I have sometimes 1 hour to myself before it is my own bed time. I’ve started 30 Day Shred and am doing it every other day. I also mix it up with some of P90X workouts. I find myself absolutely energized, in a better mood, and looking at my body in a more positive light after a workout.
I will never have a bikini body again. I have “twin skin” as I gave birth by cesearean to a 9 lb 13 oz baby – he was big enough to be two babies! My belly button is no longer, it is nothing but a hole hidden in the saggy skin and crease in my stomach. My stomach will never be smooth and nice to the touch ever again. Sometimes I find myself really missing how my husband used to run his fingers over my pre-baby belly. He loves me, he says I’m beautiful, he doesn’t ever dream of looking at another woman, he despises the pressure on women to have a perfect body, but the fact remains: he does not run his hand over my belly anymore. It is the section of my body that he avoids when we are intimate. I’ve never told him I’ve noticed, because I don’t blame him and I don’t want him to feel guilty.
99% of the time, although I am displeased with my body, I don’t feel immensely sad or depressed about my shape or weight. I guess the really only times I get really, really down about my body is when I’m shopping and pass by a really thin, great looking mom pushing a 5 month old around in a cart. I always ask myself “Why did *I* have to be so fat and ugly after a baby? Why couldn’t I have been one of the lucky ones to just bounce back?”
I really do not care so much about stretch marks or a little bit of loose skin.. my problem is the excess weight (which can be fixed) and the twin skin (which can’t be fixed short of surgery, which I’d never do). I’m young (20), this is my first child, I was so thin before… I used to think only people who have had twins or triplets, or 6 babies, looked the way I do.