Submissions

3 Years PP, Just Accepting Myself (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 5 Comments

Hello ladies! First of all thanks for reading this, and thank god for this site!

I am now 3 yrs pp, and I absolutely have to say time DOES heal! At least for me, and I hope it does for you too. I had a very good pregnancy, I gained a lot of weight but was healthy and so was my baby. On my 9th month I started getting my stretch marks.. At first I thought it was the pants (LOL) since I really couldn’t see under my belly… But sure enough they grew ALL OVER.

After the baby, I weighed around 165 I am now 145 (I’m 5’4) so I still have a couple of pounds to loose but its been a LONG way and it’s not until now that’s I’m starting to accept my body. I was only 18 when I had my son and after I would get so depressed, just looking at my body and seeing everyone else so fit and skinny. I would cry for everything cause I was not happy with myself.. I didn’t even want to have sex anymore cause I thought how can I possibly feel sexy looking like this? Half of the time I was mad at my bf for no reason I would always complain and I never felt confident..

I’ve since got on a diet and started to lose weight and exercise and it’s been the best medicine!! My body is looking better although truth is it’s never gonna look how it did or how I want it too! But I’ve come to realize IT’S OKAY!! my boyfriend loves me and doesn’t mind and it took me a while but now I’m starting to not mind either. As much I hate my stretch marks I am thankful to my body for making such a healthy baby! If that’s what it had to do, stretch so much so he could fit LOL and be healthy than that’s fine.

I think confidence it’s sexy, and like I read in another post… Fake til you make it!! Feel confident in your own skin! Cause honey, When it comes down to intimacy I think the last thing your hubby is gonna be into is your stomach :) lol

I’ve started to use strivectin I thi k it’s the name, i know they sell it at sephora but I bought mines at marshalls for $60 bucks I still have to see if it helps… Tanning also helps I need to do that.

I wish I had a picture of my belly when my stretch marks were still purple but these are of now. (I’ve lost weight and exercised but I know it’s gonna be a long time before I loose my little old wrinkly flab) lol
In the one with the blue undies you can see them better..

Age: 21
Pregnancys/births: 1
Age: 3

Frustration (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Adoption, Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 14 Comments

My story is LONG and exhausting, but I like to tell it. I hope that I can be inspiration to other females that find themselves where I was, and where I am now.

Previous to my night of conception, I was a vibrant young 20 year old female. I was nearing the end of my third year in college, I spent a lot of my time at the gym, I was coaching a high school cheering team with my best friend, I was single, and I never expected to get pregnant. In fact I was not sexually active for over a year previous to this and I wasn’t planning on being sexually active. Which explains why I was not on birth control at the time.

I took a trip to Boston with my best friend to visit my cousin and his friends. We went to a small house party with just 5 guys and my best and I. I drank quite a lot of beer and I remember taking a one shot the whole entire night. I don’t remember anything after that shot. When I woke up in the morning I was clothed and alone in a bed. I was still very drunk and felt awful. My best friend was the one who woke me and the first thing she asked was if I had sex the night before. She explained that she heard someone in the room with me and she opened the door and saw one of the guys was naked so she shut the door thinking she was interrupting. I told her there was no way I would do that because I was not using birth control. Just in case though I asked the guys. They all either denied it or said they couldn’t remember anything. My friend was sure it happened though. I kind of let it slide thinking I would be okay. A month later I was two weeks late and took a pregnancy test. I of course was pregnant. I immediately got a hold of my cousin and asked him what he knew. He told me he didn’t know anything about what happened and to ask the other guys. I sent a message to each guy at the party asking if it happened without letting them know I was pregnant. They all again denied everything. I then let them all know I was pregnant and it was for sure from that night. After I admitted my pregnancy, I never again heard from any of them. In fact my own cousin stopped speaking to me. I am pro-life and abortion was completely out of the question. After a very emotional month, I started to look into adoption.

I love my child so much, and I would be a responsible and caring mother, no question. But I wanted my child to have a father, and a permanent home, and stability. I would do the best I could and my father would be a male figure in my child’s life, but I wanted more for him. I chose to have an open adoption. I started a long journey of finding out what I had to do and how I had to do it. I found a family on Adoption.org. After speaking with their adoption agent for a while, I finally arranged to meet them in person. I fell in love with the couple I chose. They are both in their thirties, they are unable to have children, married for 8 years, and the perfect two people to raise my child. We became very close over the following 6 months of my pregnancy.

Our baby was born November 30, 2011 after 16 long hours of labor. I tried to do the birth natural. I went 12 hours pushing before the doctor came in and asked me to please have an epidural. I was so tired that I had been falling asleep in between the contractions, he felt that I would be to exhausted to push. I felt defeated and went through with the epidural. An hour later I had not progressed and the doctor came back to tell me I would have to be induced. Again I felt defeated. It was two hours later that my doctor returned and said something was wrong, the baby was not dropping and I needed to have an emergency c section. I could not stop crying. I felt like a failure as a women. For years women had babies naturally and here I was unable. Thank God for my c section though, the umbilical cord was wrapped three times around my babies neck.

The adoption process was the hardest part. I had 2 weeks of legal custody even though my baby was with his parents during that time. For almost an entire month I saw baby and the parents every day before he finally got to move home. I have never felt heartbreak like I did the day I said goodbye. Thankfully I see pictures of him daily and I will be visiting him in 3 months. I have a lot of emotions still and I feel that emptiness everyday, but I am moving forward in my life.

In picking my life back up, I am trying to get back in the shape. Previous to my pregnancy I was 132 lbs and the day I gave birth I was 170 lbs. I am now 6 weeks and 4 days pp. Due to my c section, I was unable to exercise until this week. Thankfully pumping breast milk helped me loose the majority of my weight, I am now 138 lbs. I have started to exercise again but I feel awful about how I look and how hard it is to work out. I don’t know of any other women who have had a c section outside of older women. I can’t relate with anyone my age and I am feeling hopeless…

~Age: 21
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 6 weeks 4 days PP

Pictures:
The first picture is New Years Eve 2012.
The second is my baby and I two weeks pp.
The third is me 3 months pregnant with my best friend.
The fourth picture is me 38 almost 39 weeks.
The 5th and 6th are me at 36 weeks – pre stretch marks.
The last 3 pictures are me today at 6 weeks pp.

Is She an Angel (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Child Loss, First Pregnancy, Submissions 11 Comments

I’m 22 years old and I’ve had a rough couple of years with love, I started dating this guy and he wasn’t exactly treating me the best, I knew I deserved better but didn’t have the self respect to care. After four months of dating him, we found out we were pregnant, when I told him it was a yes the first the he said was “now your stuck with me forever” not exactly the kind of thing you want to here from your partner when your expecting. I was terrified and didn’t know what to do, I love children and have wanted them my entire life, but the situation I was in was not ideal for me or the baby. We stayed together and I continued to let him treat me with disrespect and not plan for the future with our new baby, but I thought a child needs their mom and their dad, where my parents had split up I didn’t want that for my children. We went on to find out it was a little girl, my moms fourth granddaughter, you can say my nieces who are 4, 6, 8 were all over the moon with excitement for their new addition to the bunch. After about another month of continuous stress from my partner I decided that I needed to be as healthy as I could for her and to cut out all of the stresses and decide to better mine and hers life. I left my boyfriend and found that after the stress was gone I could focus more positive energy on her, we decided to name her Chloe. As soon as I found out she was a girl I knew her name was Chloe, it was just in my mind from the start. I spent the next 4 months painting her room pink, setting up her crib, putting away her clothes and buying her new curtains for her nursery, I swam every week and she loved it I would feel her kick and move, I bought giant headphones for my belly and would play her music, country which is my favourite, or classical because I heard it helps the brain develop. I began to feel this joy for my baby girl as she grew and filled my tummy with love, everything was going so well, my friends threw me a shower as well as my family. There was soo much stuff for Chloe her room was overflowing with things, she was the most anticipated baby ever, so it was getting down to the wire, one week left, 5 days, 4 days. After 3 days of being overdue I felt this weird pressure but after calling the hospital and going through the checklist they said I was fine and not to worry, when I woke up in the morning my whole life changed. I hadn’t felt Chloe move for at least 3 hours and realized this wasn’t like her, I started to get really worried, I went up to the hospital where they asked me to get up on the bed and lay back while they check her heart beat, standard procedure. After about a half an hour of searching the tears were streaming down my face as the nurses told me not to panic they called in an ultrasound tech to come check for her heartbeat, I closed my eyes and prayed to god as they checked…and checked…and checked. Complete silence in the room of 6 doctors and one of my best friends I knew she was gone, as I felt the words coming out of my mouth, and heard the answer from the doctor “im sorry hunny she is gone” After calling my family and friends I got into bed in the room, and for two days I stayed there waiting to deliver her, finally she came, the most beautiful precious girl I have ever seen, she was 9 lbs 10 oz and 22 inches long, she was huge and I felt proud that I had nourished her, I felt as though even though she was gone, I did all I could to care for my baby. We baptized her and spent time holding her and kissing her cheeks and saying our goodbyes to our precious Chloe we had all been waiting to met. I felt all of my dreams and hopes and my heart completely breaking into a million pieces, everything I had worked so hard for and changed so much about myself for was just gone. Its been a week and 4 days since she has been gone, it feels like a lifetime, I miss her every single moment, I catch myself feeling my tummy for her, or thinking I cant drink that or I shouldnt eat this its not good for Chloe. My daughter changed my entire life without even being here in front of me, she taught me to love myself, to take care of myself and to know that their is love much greater than any other love alive, and that is the love a parent has for his/her child. mabye God sent Chloe to me to help me get through this point in my life, to give me something to look forward to, to be a good person. Now all I think about is the day I get to see Chloe in heaven and I’ll do everything to make her proud of me, I have a guardian angel watching over me, for the rest of my life. At the funeral a few people had pointed out to me that her photo looked like there was a halo and wings, so was Chloe an angel sent by God to spread love and inspire me and everyone else to never take one breathe for granted, either way my daughter is the most special thing that has ever happened to me, and I will never ever forget her.

Struggling (Nicola)

Bonnie (SOAM) First Pregnancy, No Photos (Story Only), Submissions 16 Comments

Nicola, age 26
1 Pregnancy, 1 Birth
1 Year PP

When I was pregnant, I really believed that I was going to enjoy motherhood. I was sure that I had prepared myself as much as one can. When my baby was born, of course it was difficult from the start. Not only was I recovering from a forceps birth with episiotomy, but I was trying to adjust to life with a newborn. I kept telling myself it would get easier, and believing that it would was the only thing really carrying me through.

It has been a year since my baby’s birth and I sometimes wonder if I might be depressed. I try so hard to be a good mom, but I still don’t feel like the mother I would like to be. My baby has been slowly cutting teeth, one after the other for over six months. She was actually a better sleeper at 8 weeks old. My heart sinks when she wakes up from a nap sooner than I’d like, because all I can think of is how tired I am and how I don’t know how to fill the rest of our day. She is so clingy and gets upset if I leave the room. She hardly ever plays by herself. I can’t even prepare a meal in the kitchen without her hanging off my legs. We have not taken a family vacation since she was born and I have no plans to return to work. My husband works in another state and is home for maybe one week out of the month. He is not on a set schedule so we never really know when he’ll get to come home. If I got a job I would see even less of him than I already do. I feel useless because I don’t make any money of my own.

My mother is of help to me, but she oversteps boundaries all the time. She acts like my baby’s mom sometimes which drives me crazy. I feel resentful and annoyed and yet, I hardly see any of my friends… so if I get lonely enough, I’ll pack up the baby and go to her house. I feel like I only go to her house, the grocery store, and once a week playgroup. I really need to do something for myself, but at the end of my day, I just have a cry, finish up housework, shower, and go to sleep. Then my baby wakes up a few times throughout the night. She doesn’t eat at night, and I don’t go in unless I sense something is wrong… and yet she still wakes up.

I am at the point of exhaustion. I can’t tell my husband how I really feel because he makes me feel guilty. My mom downplays my emotions so I try not to complain around her. I just feel like being a mother has consisted of a lot of shitty days, and not very many good ones. I started out with such high hopes and a good attitude but lately these things have wavered. Before my daughter was born, all I could think of was the kind of mother I would be, and how I could protect my child from at least some of the things that I went through. Now I wonder if I will ever be able to pick myself up and do right by her.

I don’t tell any of my friends about this. To them, I have a great life and a lot of knowledge to share. I was lucky and went back to my old shape after a month. I know that a lot of them are jealous that I don’t have to go back to work… I know how it must look. We have a pretty nice house and my husband brings in an exceptional income. If I see something for my baby, I don’t think, I just buy. So you see, we have it pretty good. This could be why I don’t feel like I can complain. I’ve watched Teen Mom and I can see how dire a Mother’s situation can become, but I still feel down and sorry for myself a lot of the time. I think if I had a hobby, or a part time job, ate better, and got a better quality of sleep, I could have my good attitude back and be a better mom. At the moment, I can’t pick myself up! It sucks big time! And yet, I reach ovulation every month and all I can think about is how badly I want to get pregnant again! What a mind-fuck. That would be the worst thing we could do right now. And yet those silly hormones make me believe I could manage with two. As if.

Giving birth was the biggest event of my life, and I’ve sort of felt this… let down ever since.

4 Babies in 3 Years (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy, Twins 12 Comments

Hi,
I’m 35, mother of 4 beautiful children.
My PP weight was in 110-120 range. My first – twin pregnancy my weight went up to 198 lb, I went back to 115 lb 9 month after.
18 after the twins I’ve had my third beautiful baby and my weight was up to 170 lb. Again I lost all extra weight by the 9th month after the delivery.
Two years later I’ve had my fourth baby and my weight went up to 165lb. I’ve managed to lose 35 lb, but the rest is still with me.
I feel as if I had been more athletic I could get in the better shape, but my flabby belly will always stay with me and I hate it.
My husband is being very supportive and still very attracted to me sexually which means a lot. In general I feel very proud of my children, my husband and myself. Right clothes, nice hair, lipstick and wedges – and carry myself like a model, makes people turn their heads whenever I get out with all of my babies who are 5,5,4 and 2 now and I feel good. Carry yourself tall, girls, and your bellies will look flatter and your breasts fill sit higher and everyone will see how gorgeous you really are.

Mummy Belly (Catherine)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom 8 Comments

I got pregnant at the age of 19, I was skinny all throughout my teens until i hit 18 where it started to pile on. Pregnancy made me gain a silly amount of weight.

I’ve never exercised and I didn’t want to start whilst pregnant. After having my beautiful daughter I was left with a lot of excess skin around my tummy and my body is covered in stretch marks. I don’t mind the stretch marks though, to me they’re just as natural as freckles. But the excess skin has made me so conscious about myself. I have to wear long shirts to cover it all the time and it makes me cry when I look in the mirror. I guess I just want reassurance that with time & work it will tighten?

Shoot for the Moon (Analisa)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Four or More Pregnancies, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom 16 Comments

Before I start I just want to say that in all the years I’ve read through “your” stories and seen “your” photos I’ve yet to see an ugly body. I believe our perception of our own body image is the only true “ugly” thing I’ve seen…including my own.

My name is Analisa. I am 29 years old. I’ve been married for almost 14 years, had 6 kids and since June, 2011, divorced.

I really don’t remember how it felt to have a nice teenage body. I had my first son at 15 years old. I gained about 50 lbs with him.
When he was four months old I became pregnant with my daughter. I didn’t realize how much pregnancy had taken a toll on my body, till my then 17 year old husband asked me,” Didn’t your boobs used to look like this?” while he held up one side of my chest. One day he took my son’s etch-a-sketch and drew a picture of a woman with boobs that like those ladies in Africa on National Geographic. He showed it to me while laughing his head off saying it was me. I can’t tell you how bad that hurt my feelings. That started my total disgust and loathing of my body.

As days past I became extremely self-conscious and would no longer allow him to see me without my bra on. To this day the only time I take off my bra is to shower. I don’t want to see them any longer than I have too.

I realize my body went through a lot to bring my beautiful children into this world, but, it doesn’t make sense to me to now not take care of the damage. You get cavities you go to the dentist and get them filled. I believe this is the same kind of thing. I can no longer accept the body I have. I want to do something about it.

I’m a bit on the skinny side but at the same time I’m not fit. I’m what some people would call “skinny fat”. I look okay in my clothes, but outside of them is a whole other story. I would actually like to gain some weight by toning up..I have no butt. :( I’m not sure if exercise will do anything for the loose skin on my stomach but I’m willing to try. I am going to try building up my chest muscles before I decide whether or not to get implants. I don’t care if they are small as long as they just look normal.

I decided that 2012 is going to be my year to turn this around. I started a blog type website called “The Jillian Challenge”(Jillian as in “Jillian Michaels” ) to keep track of my progress and also maybe inspire other moms out there that are feeling the same way to get in shape.

This is an excerpt off my site’s home page:

When I look in the mirror I see a misshapen old woman, thinking, “this can’t possibly be my body!”. I’m tired of feeling disgusting..I want to get in shape to the best of my ability. I know we’ve all heard that quote…
“Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.” ~Brian Littrell

That’s why I chose Jillian Michaels to be the body image I aspire to. You can’t possibly aim higher than that. If I could get anywhere close to how her body looks it would be amazing. I am starting a 6 month challenge to get my body to look as close to her’s as possible. I will be following her diet advice, doing her workout DVDs and using her equipment.

In the first belly pic you can see I have a small hernia above my belly button caused by pregnancy. It will have to be surgically fixed.

Well, we will see what happens.. :) Good luck to all you Mom’s in this new year!

Resented Before He’s Even Born (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Child Loss, Postpartum, PPD - Postpartum Depression, Pregnant, Submissions 21 Comments

My age – 29
4 pregnancies, 2 early miscarriages, 1 birth, currently pregnant
Oldest son is nearly 6, currently 29 weeks pregnant

Last entry here.

I came a long way since my last submission to SOAM. Back then, I was overweight (around 75kg), pretty miserable, still caught in the throes of Post Natal Depression. In the three years after that submission, I ended my relationship with my sons father, I met the love of my life who I married, and I finally lost the baby weight. In the end, it wasn’t diet and exercise that did it – I tried that. I’d exercise 5 times a week and count every calorie that went into my mouth, and I wouldn’t lose a gram. In the end it was pure starvation that did it. The constant compliments helped, the “you’re wasting away”s and “you look great”s drove me to eat less and less. I’d never felt so thin, or so good. Eventually, my eating returned to normal, and my weight fortunately stabilised at 58kg (I’m 5’3”), I felt I’d won the battle.

I had never thought I would have another baby. After giving birth to a screamer who never slept, developing the PND that nearly killed us both, and never expecting to meet anyone let alone someone who was father material, I’d all but ruled it out. When my husband came along, everything changed. He is a wonderful man, selfless and considerate, the best step father I could have ever hoped for for my son, the best husband I ever could have asked for. We started TTC in May 2010, and got our BFP in July.

Within weeks, I’d already gained back most of what I’d lost. At 29 weeks pregnant, I have gained more than 20kg over my lowest weight, tipping the scales at 79kg. I look in the mirror, and I am repulsed by what I see. In what is meant to be a wonderful time, I am resentful. Resentful of the baby who is causing this weight gain, resentful of myself for not being able to control it, resentful of my husband for wanting to have a baby in the first place. This baby moves inside me and I want to scream at it. Every time I step on the scale and see I have gained, it leaves me devastated. I walk around 20km a week as we don’t have a car, I drink 2 litres of water a day, I have an active lifestyle. I don’t eat huge meals or binge, I eat well made home cooked meals, fresh fruits and veges and whole grains. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this. This baby and pregnancy feel like a punishment rather than something to be celebrated.

Every other woman out there seems to be gaining normal amounts, the worst part is reading women on internet forums complaining they haven’t gained a thing. I seem to be the only one who is struggling. My pregnant friends are positively svelte compared to me. Every pregnant woman I pass on the street looks like she stepped out of a magazine. I’m beyond devastated by how things have turned out, and my biggest worry is that this baby will be born and won’t be worth it. I’ll get another screamer. Another baby I will resent. More PND. My heart says “it’s pregnancy! enjoy it! love yourself!” but with every weigh in my mind says no, and every thing I put it my mouth fills me with guilt. Every kick pushes me deeper into resentment.

Photos – after meeting my husband but before getting pregnant; 28 weeks pregnant

The Shadow Fear Casts is Often Bigger Than the Fear Itself (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 2 Comments

My husband told me that I was beautiful every day of my pregnancy, including while I was in the hospital in labor. From day one, I was deathly afraid of the changes that my body would undergo. My mind was filled with all of the horror stories that I had heard about pregnancy and the recovery afterwards. Our pregnancy was not planned (though we welcomed it all the same), so I felt that I didn’t have time adequately prepare myself for those fears beforehand. My body was stretching changing and gaining weight and there was nothing that I could do about it. Everyday, I would look in the mirror and stare at my thickening thighs and butt as they lost the muscle definition that I had fought so hard to attain, and everyday, I felt my opinion of my appearance sink lower and lower. Everyone around me told me how great I was doing, how incredible I looked, etc. but all that I could see was the shapeless whale in the mirror. I heard a constant barrage of, “You’ve only gained 20 lbs? You’re kidding!” and other compliments, but I always worried that yes, I looked good today– but what about tomorrow? When would the stretch marks creep across my belly? Would the ones coming into my hips lengthen and spread, and turn to that angry red that I saw in pictures? Would my skin bag once I delivered? I became more obsessed with my appearance than I ever had been before, and despite my husband’s frequent efforts to cheer me up, I continued to run my own confidence down.
And after all of that worry, all of my stress, I had gained only 21 lbs when I delivered at 41 1/2 weeks. My girl was big, strong and healthy, but I hadn’t gained much at all. The only stretch marks I had gotten were a smattering of tiny dents on my hips and I was 10 lbs under my prepregnancy weight by 8 days postpartum. I was terrified that my body would change and never be the same again, but I was in my prepregnancy jeans by 3 weeks. Why in the world did I sit there and torment myself for 8 months? Even if I had struggled to recover after birth, what profit would I have gotten from all of that stress and worry? I wore myself down for months with what I “knew” would happen to my body and very little of it even came to pass. What I learned from my pregnancy and postpartum period was that there’s no use killing myself over what might happen. Instead, I need to calm down and take things in stride, dealing with problems when they actually arise.

Age: 21
Number of children: My one little girl
How old: She is 8 weeks old, though I took the picture a few weeks ago.

22 With 3, Starting to Slowly Accept and Change my Body (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy, Update 5 Comments

Previous post here.

When I was 6 1/2 months pregnant with my 3rd, my kids father left me and I in turn fell into a depression for pretty much the rest of my pregnancy. By the end of my pregnancy I had only gained 13lbs, and when my daughter was born at 39wks, she only weighed 6lbs, which the doctors said was under weight for her gestational age, but she is healthy. I was still so down after having her that my weight quickly went down to 170, and now 13months later I am still a single mother to my kids, and as sad as I get with my weight I realize that I have lost a good amount and I believe I look way better then I did before, plus the couple men that I have been with since having my daughter have not complained :) . I am now at 166 and would like to lose at least 20 more lbs, but I’m in no hurry.

The attached pictures are me at 13mos postpartum.

~Age: 22
~Number of pregnancies and births: 4 pregnancies, 3 births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 5 1/2yrs, 3 1/2yrs, 13 1/2 months, 13 months post-partum.

Updated here.