Postpartum

Will I ever feel beautiful? (Catherine’s Mommy)

Bonnie (SOAM) First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Spousal/Partner Abuse, Submissions 17 Comments

Age: 21
# Pregnancies/ Births: 1/1
Catherine is 2 1/2 months old.

I’ve read some wonderful stories about finding yourself beautiful AGAIN. But what do you do if you’ve never felt beautiful. I started feeling terrible about the way I looked at age 5. My father who was very mentally and physically abusive always said, “You are too ugly and useless to ever find someone to love you.” My whole life I’ve been mistreated by men. I’ve never been respected and there for have never really loved myself. Not once have I ever looked in the mirror and thought, “I look pretty today.” When I was 19, just 2 years ago, I married the guy I dated from the 2nd week of 10th grade. He cheated on me from day one, but every time I thought about leaving he said he loved me and I stayed. I knew I didn’t love him, but just not being alone was enough for me. Right after we married the physical abuse started and I stayed for awhile after that. I figured I deserved it and wouldn’t find any better. After all that’s what he told me. He would say,” You’re fat, ugly, and useless. No one else would ever want you. You’re used goods.” So I stayed with him for 3 months after we got married. Until I went to work one day and some of the guys I worked with saw a choke mark on my neck. They told me I was moving out that night. They helped me move out while my ex was at work aka at his girlfriend’s house.

I moved back home and 9 months later I found an old friend on myspace and we started talking. My friend and I were raised as practically family. His aunt was my mom’s best friend for about 16 years. When I found him I immediately planned a trip to see him. Even though we hadn’t seen each other in 6 years, because he was in the Air Force something was just telling me I needed to see him. Even though it was an 8 hr drive I had to do it. I visited him March 27th, 2009 and we’ve been in love every since. On July 25th, 2009 we started trying to have a baby knowing we were getting married August 8th. He was so cute about it. He even got on the computer and made out our baby making calendar. He had figured out my ovulation schedule and told me which days we could and shouldn’t have sex. We married on August 8th, 2009 and exactly one week later we found out I was pregnant. I knew about 3 months prior to our ultrasound that we were having a baby girl. Our little Catherine filled my dreams every night(the little that I slept). I was scared we were having a girl. I’m even more scared now that she’s here. I don’t want my daughter to feel the way I do. I want her to love herself and see herself as beautiful. How am I supposed to teach her to love herself when I can’t love myself. I have the most amazing husband in the world. He loves me unconditionally. He still finds me attractive,and he tells me all the time how beautiful I am. Unfortunately I just don’t see how he thinks that. I’m so lost at what to do. How do you decide to love yourself and the way you look?

Just some rambling,
Catherine’s Mommy

7 weeks postpartum with twin boys (Ash)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Twins 17 Comments

Age: 25
Number of pregnancies and births: 1 pregnancy 2 births
The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 7 weeks

I had my twin boys at 38 weeks 1 day they were 6 lb 2 oz and 5 lb 5 oz, and perfectly healthy. I gained about 35 lbs with the pregnancy and I had to try pretty hard to put that weight on. I started my
pregnancy at 130 lbs (I’m 5’6″) and I currently weigh 134 and have been at this weight for about 5 weeks now. I seemed to lose most of my weight fairly quickly and was in my old jeans at 5 days postpartum.
Strangers tell me thing like “You look amazing” “Are these really your babies?” “You don’t even look like you’ve had one baby” Sounds great doesn’t it? Except those people don’t have to look at me naked.
I was left with a belly full of stretchmarks and a deformed belly button. I have been trying to not let my body get me down and today is the first day that I really feel hopeless and ugly, I really didn’t think it was THAT bad until I took the pictures. I wish I didn’t care, I wish I still felt beautiful, and I wish I appreciated my body more before. Luckily, my husband is wonderful, literally the best man in the world. He tells me I am more beautiful now than I have ever been, and I believe am to him (he has been very convincing), but I
certainly don’t feel beautiful at all. I got my first stretch mark when I was 30 weeks pregnant and I have not been comfortable in my skin since. I feel like I have a secret under my shirt something no one can ever see, and I am paranoid my shirt will ride up and expose it. During my pregnancy I would constantly think to myself “you are ruined” and “you will never be beautiful again” but I am glad to say I don’t feel entirely ruined, I did make two perfect boys.

I am hoping my skin will tighten up and my stretch marks will fade. How come the fat I have after pregnancy is so much softer than the fat before pregnancy? My belly always had a little bit of fat but it didn’t feel mushy like this. This fat hangs out over my pants and jiggles. I guess I should start a good workout program…

pictures 1-4 are me now, the 5th is a picture of my boys, the 6th is of my belly the day I delivered, and the 7th is my belly right after I found out I was pregnant.

The P90X Experiment (Mary)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy, Update 13 Comments

Original post here.
Website: https://slowthisridedown.blogspot.com/

When I wrote “Mirror, Mirror on the wall….Who’s the Most Damaged Mother of them All?” last year I thought that was the end of my journey in accepting my body…little did I know it was just the beginning! I submitted my article to SOAM in February and it was posted on March 9th, a hard day for our family as it’s the anniversary of the death of our niece and nephew, but all the beautiful comments to the article made the day much brighter, thank you!

Over the past few months I’ve been shocked over and over by…how I really do NOT hate my body anymore! It’s a hard feeling to get used to that’s for sure. And I think that loving who you are makes it easier to let go and stick with a healthier lifestyle (for me anyways, I know all mothers are different)…because you know you deserve to treat yourself better. Since I wasn’t depressed about my body I stopped binge eating and had more energy to work out. I even started going to the gym, something I had been too embarrassed to do before, which brought on a whole new appreciation of my body as I watched it change shape once again. My gym is closed for the summer so for the next few months I am attempting to do P90X and I’m blogging about it so that other mothers can follow along and see if it’s the right program for them. The neat thing is that my hubby is doing it with me! 2 years ago I would have never been comfortable enough with my body to huff and puff half naked in front of him but now there is no embarrassment and we are having so much fun working out each night!

This site is amazing and I love how it’s changing so many minds about beauty. A year ago I would have died of embarrassment if anyone had saw one of my stretchmarks….and now I wear a sports bra while I work out and hope that everyone sees them so that they will start to think of them as normal on a mother!

Age: 29
Births: Three
Children: 12, 10, 4

Photos:
1. Me, one year ago.
2. My belly, before I started working out a few months ago.
3. Me today, 50 pounds lighter.
4. My belly today!
5. I love this photo because I think that the stretchmark that is showing is so beautiful.

Labor Story and Accepting My New Body (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 8 Comments

This is my story, just to get it out there for others to share.
My EDD was October 29th 2009

October 29th came along, and passed. I was miserable, I felt huge, and I was tired of having my sciatic nerve pinched to the point I couldn’t move. I can’t count the number of times my fiance had to roll me over because I was unable to. I was supposed to be holding my bundle of joy at this point, but it seems she had other plans for us. I had gone in for a regular appointment, just to check up on things, and was scheduled an induction..after being 2 weeks late.
On November 10th I did the dishes, packed and repacked my bags, and went to wal-mart to get a movie to watch while waiting for my little girl to finally be in my arms. I arrived at the hospital at 6:30 p.m, went inside, signed in, and was given my room. After fighting with the robe for a good 45 minutes, the delivery doctor came in to check up on things. My cervix was completely closed and I was only 70% effaced. I was given Cervidil tape to soften my cervix at 7:40 p.m.
At about 9:00 p.m. I started having contractions, not horrible, just uncomfortable. I was able to watch my movie and call my mom letting her know I was to start pitocin Thursday morning around 8:40. Around 11 I was started to feel less uncomfortable and more in pain, I asked for a sleeping pill, as I had been up all the night before too excited to sleep. I was given my sleeping pill and told if it didn’t work, I was in labor. After an hour of being up and down to the bathroom I finally woke Devan to stay up with me. He kept telling me I was in labor, but after being told I wasn’t going to be able to walk, talk or let alone breathe during real contractions, I wasn’t convinced, I was doing all three with no problem. Besides the fact that I was telling Devan I changed my mind and wanted to go home. I even broke the little throw up cup I was given.
Around 12 a.m. I called the nurse to be checked, I was only 1 cm, which wasn’t very encouraging for me. The nurse told me she could take it out, but it’s working and she wanted to keep it in, and even being out it wouldn’t stop labor. Which, in my head, it soooo would stop the pain! I was still medication free, I was given a labor ball and hot towels for my lovely back labor.
At 3 a.m. I asked to be checked again, and was 4c.m. They took the Cervidil out and gave me a Nubane drip, because I was exhausted and had a sleeping pill in my system. I wanted to go all natural, but it seemed if I didn’t get some sleep, I was in for a long labor. Shortly after they hooked me up to my best friend Nubane, I was passed out in a deep sleep. With my drip, I was laboring in my sleep, I would wake up, push through the contraction, and go back to sleep. At first my nurse was telling me not to push, and after I was whimpering that I was sorry and couldn’t help it, she decided that my body had taken over and left me alone. She was amazed and had pulled in other nurses to watch my sleep labor.
At, 4:00 a.m. they hooked me up to my antibiotics, as I had tested positive for Strep B. At 4:56 I was 9 c.m. so they broke my water, I had told them in the beginning that our family labors very quickly, but they apparently didn’t believe me. 4:57 a.m. I started pushing, and they called my mom to come in. Her response? “Is there any point in me coming? I won’t make it there!” she was told yes, come it’ll be awhile before she has the baby.
At 5:06, I had my beautiful baby girl, after only 11 mins of pushing and 6 pushes total. She was out and not happy about it either. I didn’t cry, I thought I was horrible for not crying, I see all these pictures of the mother crying, but All I could do was look at this little face in awe and wonder. My mother did not make it to the birth, I wish she had been able to, but she was about 5 mins too late.
I was only able to nurse Charlee for about a week, I still beat myself up over it for not trying longer. She never latched on right, which caused me to crack and bleed. She was unable to digest blood and would spit up everything, even pumping wasn’t helping my supply, and I eventually dried up. But she’s healthy and happy and that’s all that matters.

After I had Charlee my body was all sorts of different. I’m having a hard time excepting my new body as it is. I know my body doesn’t look bad but I’ve always had image issues, and stretch marks all around my breasts, thighs, butt, calves and hips hasn’t helped this. I have decided I need to accept this body, as it is beautiful. It gave life and there’s nothing more beautiful than that. I am soon to go to the pool with my 7 month old daughter, sporting a nice string bikini. If nobody wants to see, they don’t have to look. And I’m nervous, but I’m okay with that.

I’m sorry this was all over the place, as well as the picture, they jump around, I hope you enjoyed my story, I’m sure there will be more about my adventure in my acceptance of my new body. The bra pictures are about 6 months postpartum.

-My age-19
-Number of pregnancies or birth-1
-Age of my child-7 months old

She Changed My Life (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) African American, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 16 Comments

28 years old/ 1 pregnancy/1 birth/12 months postpartum

First off, I would like to say that I appreciate this site and the support that it offers to mothers. I have been visiting it ever since I was about 7 months pregnant, and it has been cathartic to me and my struggle with my body. Here is my story:

I grew up thick. Being classified as an African American, thick connotates having a little extra meat to love on your body. My parents, family, and friends never criticized my looks and I always felt like I was accepted. After leaving for college, I developed some poor eating habits( eating fast food everyday) and I topped out weighing about 185lb and being a size 12. Im 5’8 so it didnt look bad, but I wasn’t healthy. One day in 2006, I looked at my body in the mirror, and I hated the reflection. So I did something about it. I joined a fitness center, and with the help of a personal trainer, I dropped 40lb and got down to a size 4. My confidence and self esteem went through the roof! And I was beating the men off needless to say….I met my husband during this physical journey also. After having quite a few ups and downs over the next two years, we decided to consciously get pregnant.

After making this decision to bring life into this world, I was pregnant two weeks later! We were happy and excited to have a combination of ourselves coming into our lives. I had bad morning sickness until I was five months pregnant, and lost a few lbs, but after the sixth month, I was hungry again!!! I got to about 34 weeks with no stretch marks, until one morning I noticed one creeping up the bottom of my belly. It was a wrap after that. Everyday it seemed I developed a new mark. I had a really hard time accepting this. I had hoped to be one of the “lucky” ones, and not have any, and I slathered on raw shea butter and oil daily. Needless to say, as She grew, I was covered in stretch marks. And I gained a hearty 36lbs. From side to side, past my belly button, which looked weird and popped out. I went past my due date, which was June 7th.

Early in my pregnancy, I had planned to have a natural birth. I exercised throughout my pregnancy, ate heartily and prepared myself mentally with childbirth classes and lots of reading. The OB decided to break my water on June 9th. I chose a hospital that had nurses familiar with the natural birthing process, and they allowed me lots of movement during my labor. I even got to get in the shower while I was transitioning, which kept me from losing my mind! My daughter was born on June 10th, unmedicated, and when her head popped out I didn’t feel anything but joy! (Seriously) She opened her eyes and looked around the room before her body was out. It was the best experience of my life, and I will never forget that day.

I had a minor tear that took three stitches, and I was ok with that. But back to my body. My tummy was black and wrinkly at first. I used belly bandits to shrink it and I nursed my daughter until she was 6 months old. I did have tummy skin that I was unfamiliar with. How am I going to fix this? So about 2 weeks after I began walking, and as the months went on I gradually increased my activity. I had a lot of support from my husband to work out, despite whatever issues we had. I was a full time student, and I managed to stay in school, work out, and take care of my daughter. I had help from family and friends, and I’m very thankful for that. I know some women aren’t as blessed. I lost all my weight plus some by the time she was 9 months, but still was paranoid about my marks and extra skin. My husband and I had a lot of problems and this made me feel worse.

I started P90x about 2 months ago, and it really helped tone up my midsection and whole body. I still have the marks and skin, but you can hardly see it. It still moves and flaps a bit when I sit down. I have thought about tummy tucks, but I actually am fitter now and look better in clothes now than before I had her. The jury is still out about the tummy tucks…I don’t have the money, and the down time could drive me crazy. I’m a fitness junkie now.

Thank you for reading this long post, I have been waiting over a year to submit it. I am including some pictures of my stomach and breasts, as well as a picture of my love, Aashima. I feel like more of woman now, I have so much motivation to be successful, and I owe it to her.

The pictures are all 12 months postpartum. And the photo of Aashima is at 8 months.

This is Your Fault (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Thyroid Issues 13 Comments

I am 22 years old and I have been pregnant once. I have one child,a 16month old son.

The day I found out for sure I was pregnant was one of the hardest days of my life. I was in a bad relationship with a man who was a lot older than me. We had moved in together 3 months before and my life was one big bundle of stress from that point on. I was a full time student that worked full time to support my ex’s drinking and gambling habits and pay our rent. All I could think was my god this is my fault, I am bringing another life into this world with that despicable man. We tried to make it work after I told him I was pregnant but, he started becoming physically abusive. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I moved home and focused on my health and well being, and tried not to let him affect my pregnancy any more than he had. I finished another semester of school and had one semester left until my degree was complete. My pregnancy was pretty uneventful except at the end of my 2nd trimested I began having almost disfiguring stretch marks. I cocoa buttered and used mederma and bio oil and every product I could think of, but nothing stopped the deep purple welts that were coming up all over my body. I then started to gain a ridiculous amount of weight and was experiencing awful constipation. During an appointment with my obstetrician who obviously felt no sympathy for me I began to cry , and expressed feelings of hopelessness about my body, I said how will I ever fix this? She said “This is your fault” she then went on to say if I would be more careful about what I ate maybe I wouldn’t have gotten so heavy. I knew it was coming, I was going to hear those words someday. In the beginning I didn’t realize what a blessing my pregnancy was. It’s been about a year and a half since that appointment, and my life has changed so drastically since then. My labor was an incredible, 43 hours long, with pitocin running the entire time. I did most of it with no pain relief, the last 3 hours I gave in and asked for en epideural because I was scared that they were going to send me in for a cesarean if he wasn’t born soon. 12:19 am I pushed my son out and I will never forget that first moment they sat him on my belly and he just looked up at me. I kissed his little head and I have been madly in love with him ever since. I just graduated from college and I’m studying to take my state boards. I have lost 45 of the 69 pounds (yay for breastfeeding) I’ve gained, but there is one thing I haven’t lost and thats my stretch marks. When my son was about 6 months old I went to my GP for a sinus infection and she asked how long I had been hypothyroid for, I asked her to please repeat the question. My doctor referred me to an excellent endocrinologist who has been incredible. I have been taking Synthroid for almost a year now and I feel like a new women.Sometimes I wonder what my obstetrician would think if I told her I gained that weight because my thyroid was bearly functioning. I look down at my tummy, breasts and thighs in the shower every morning and think oh lord I have some work to do. However I comfort myself by looking at my perfect little boy and my diploma (which is hanging over the mantle) and I think to myself, This is your fault. It is my fault and caused by all of my hard work and sleepless nights that I have my incredbly smart vibrant child and my college degree which will ensure a bright future for us. Remember ladies no matter how bleak the outlook is now, wait a little while things can and do change with an exceptional amount of hardwork.

One of the “lucky ones” (Lxnn)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Tattoo 9 Comments

age 28
one pregnancy one birth
my son is now 2 ½ years old

I say “lucky” because in reality I do not have many stretch marks and the ones I do have are light. I have returned to my pre-pregnacy weight but that does not mean I am at my pre-pregnacy shape. I gained 70 pounds during my pregnancy. Watching your body go through such a transformation in it self, no matter what you end up looking like down to road, is something to deal with. I never wanted a kid. I didn’t even like being around children. I was one of those people who scoffed at all the people who go around saying ‘children are a blessings in disguise.’ ‘its different when it is your own child.’ When I found out that I was pregnant my first thought was to have an abortion. I am a naturalist and there for went to a herb store and asked about herbal abortions. Of course they were out of the herb and would not have it for three days. By the time I made it home (actuality by the time I asked about herbal abortion) I knew that I would not be able to go through with that choice. I knew that there was only one option that I would be able to see to the end. To have the child and raise it. The father and I were not together, we were not even talking. He was trying to get sober but relapse, bad, and was now a junkie. So I was pregnant and had no idea if the father was even going to be alive when I gave birth or how I was going to pay my bills. So I was not only dealing with the mental mind fuck but also the physical changes. I think I did well considering! When I gave birth to my son and they laid him on my stomach everything changed, I changed. The father had gotten sober 2-3 months before I gave birth and is still sober today. He also changed. My son was a catalyst for amazing growth in my self and his father. His father and I are still not together but we have stubbornly gotten to a point where we are friends. I know this should be more about the physical shape of a mother but the mental shape is what I had the most difficulty with. I am a single working mom. I have felt the person I was disappear. I am either working or being a mom there is no time to be me. Or so I thought/felt. Every article, book, magazine, what have you I have read has been written from the perspective that you have a significant other. Because of this I stopped reading a long time ago.

Today I am able to see the beauty and strive for balance. I do my best to balance work, time with my son and time for myself. The mommy identity is the biggest part of my life but not the only part. I’ve never been one to stay down long and my son is so amazing that down is not even an option! He amazes me every day and the love I feel for him amazes me every minute. If I get a glimpse of the stretch marks or my mommy pouch it is just a reminder of the little person that I created. In my son’s eyes I am perfect! At least until he is a teenager! I have discovered that when I am able to stay present in the moment when with my son, I am happy. He has been and will always continue to be worth every sacrifice.

And I still have a nice ass!!

The Day After (Maddy)

Bonnie (SOAM) Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 3 Comments

This is a photo of the day after I had my daughter, Abby. My husband took the photo to show me how much my belly had shrunken so quickly, and at the time, I was so pleased that I was so much smaller than I was before. A few months later, I looked at this photo and was appalled at how giant I still was. But now I see it as a badge of honour, that I was still going through so much to bring my baby girl into this world. I am happy now when I see this photo, because what it represents to me now is my new attitude about my post-baby body, but it took me a long while to get there. I’m hoping that by sharing it, others will be prepared to still be a little inflated and see that as the (small) price you pay to gain so much.

~Your Age: 31
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 7 months

062810-maddy-1

Young Mom of 2 (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 5 Comments

i am 22. my husband an i were blessed with two amazing little men. i went into labor naturally at midnight on both of their due dates. my first was born at 1:48 pm. 7 pounds 10 ounces 19 and a half inches long perfectly healthy. he surprised us pretty good. they told me at 18 weeks pregnant with him that he was a girl. after about 12 hours of labor i pushed him out in about 10 minuets and they put him on my chest and i was the first to see that he was a boy! when our son was 4 months old i told my husband that i wanted another. my doctor told me that it will take about 4 months for my body to recover. so at 4 months pp we started trying for another. lucky us it didn’t even take a month and i was pregnant again. this time at 18 weeks i was told i was having another boy. this time they were right and after about 7 hours of labor and 5 minuets of pushing we had another healthy baby boy 7 pounds 10 ounces 20 inches long. i had an epidural with both of my births. i had a episiotomy with my first and honestly the doctor sewing that up after my son was born in the worst memory and pain that i remember from both births. with my second i tore but the doctor numbed me and i couldn’t feel anything. i have never really liked my body but seeing what it has done i have grown to love it and all of its imperfections and wrinkles. i only nursed my first son a few times (something i regret but cant change now) and i nursed his little brother till he was 16 months old he never had a drop of formula. i am almost to my pre preg. weight. but my body has changed so much. i know it sounds silly but i am thankful for my stretch marks when i feel them or see them i just think about how much i love my babies. kind of like a tattoo but saggy wrinkly skin instead. they will be 2 in september and 3 in july and i couldn’t be any happier. we are done reproducing and i am doing my best to make sure my sons grow up to be great men.

1st picture my belly now
2nd picture is my belly the day before my 2nd son came into the world.
3rd picture is a few days before the birth of my first son

5 week PP, hating my body (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Tattoo, Teen Mom 8 Comments

Pre-pregnancy weight: 169
Labor Weight: 210
Weight now: 200

I have been struggling with my weight since I was a kid. I was 240 in my sophmore year of high school and just last year I got down to my weight of 157. I wasn’t too happy there, but I was content and felt like I looked great. I met my husband and I gained love pounds. So when I got pregnant I was 169. I lost 20 pounds my first and second trimesters, and then gained it all back when I got to my third. I got a beautiful baby girl now, but now it just looks like I never even had a baby. I just look plain old fat. I’m having the toughest time getting back on a healthy diet and exercise plan. My husband says I’m still attractive to him, but I just hate myself and how I look. I know I have a beautiful baby girl that makes it all worth it, but I can’t help to hate myself for it.

First 3 pictures are of me 5 week PP and my last picture is of me pre-pregnancy

~Age: 19
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1/1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 5 week PP