Mom over 30

A Few Years On, Another Long Post (Jo)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Mom over 30, Postpartum, PPD - Postpartum Depression, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 29 Comments

~Age: 40
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies and 2 births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: Age 4 and 2
(almost 2 years post-partum)

It has taken me a while to come up with the courage to post this, but it marks the beginning of the new me as I can no longer carry on being the old me.

I have posted before …

Unfortunately the photos no longer appear and I no longer have them after my computer was stolen. Needless to say, I looked better then than I do after 2 children. The scars you see on my body explained in
my previous post. I don’t want to explain them again.

Following the birth of my first child I suffered with severe post-natal depression. It didn’t happen straight away but when my daughter was around 8 months old. After a long time caring for my daughter, with my husband overseas, my family living half way round the world, trying to hold down a job when my daughter kept getting sick at childcare mentally I broke down.

My husband returned from overseas to a mental wreck. I was slowly recovering when I accidentally fell pregnant with no. 2. This was the first time we had unprotected sex in our twenty year relationship. My
husband, on the few occasions we chose not to use a condom, would normally withdraw. This time, without consultation he failed to withdraw. I was 38 years old and I wasn’t ready for a child but spiritually I couldn’t face terminating the pregnancy.

So pregnant and still suffering from PPD I carried on… my relationship with my husband has slowly disintegrated as I loathed the person I had become. I didn’t like my depressed personality, the flabby mothers body that failed to birth my first child as it should, failed to feed her. I suffer from horrendous PMT which only serves to make matters worse. I chose an elective c-section for my second. It wasn’t what I wanted but I knew I couldn’t take my body failing to do what it should again and it also meant I could schedule help on a planned birth day.

I’ve found coping with another child that I knew I wasn’t ready for very, very hard.

I look at my body and I don’t know who’s it is. I don’t recognise it.

I don’t know who I am either but for sure for someone who is married with 2 children I know I am intensely lonely.

So today – I say goodbye to this body and I decide to work to loose the excess flab and maybe I can find the old me … and get back my husband .. my life.

First Time Mom at 31 (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Update 10 Comments

I have NEVER found myself attractive. I always thought,, once i accept the fact that I’m an unattractive person,,I would feel much better about myself and not worry about it so much. For some reason though, I got a decent amount of attention from boys,, I was the funny girl, but was too shy to really ever commit to a relationship. Had my first real kiss at 19, and tried to make it to marriage before having sex. I was 26 and he ended up being the man I was dreaming about. We’ve now been married almost four years :) I have always been petite with a flat stomach and a big round booty. I even adopted the nickname J.Lo. My husband has been a big self-esteem booster, always calling me little pet names like sexybutt and beautiful. But I’ve still never felt that way about myself. No Biggie I thought. After two years of wonderful marriage, we decided to start trying to get pregnant. Me not getting any younger at the age of 29 and him only 25. I’ve always LOVED children. They are so fun and spontaneous and just themselves. I taught Sunday school and worked with teens in church and have always been a kid at heart. Thought I would love being a mom and be a great one at that.After six months of trying, i was getting very discouraged, no one blood related to me ever had a problem getting pregnant, and it seemed every time i would start my cycle, some young girl with no boyfriend, or friend who wasnt even trying would announce their pregnancy. I tried to remain positive , but it was very hard,, finally after a year of trying, i found out I was pregnant!! We and our families were so happy. Everything was going smoothly, no morning sickness, a healthy amount of weight gain. Then with my glucose screening, found out I had gestational diabetes. I was heartbroken and felt like a failure. My husband and family were very supportive and things started going smoothly again. I wanted to have as natural a birth as possible. I wasnt happy when i found out that they wouldnt let me go past my due date,, and that inductions can sometimes lead to C sections. I took very good care of myself,, watching my diet and exercising. I gained a total of 26 pounds.. starting at 102 lbs at five feet tall. My water broke six days before my due date! I was soooo happy! 10 hours of labor later,, and still only dialated 3, i was NOT. I had a 101 temperature and was getting pumped full of antibiotics and was now put on a Pitocin drip. After two hours of that and only dialated to four,, I decided to get the epidural. I wanted to be strong for pushing. Which would never happen. My fever went up to 102 and my cervix was beginning to swell. After 18 hours of labor and a dialation of 7, they decided on a C section. I wanted to cry, but I also wanted my baby to be safe and healthy. My operation was done in under a half an hour and I got to meet my Beautiful baby girl weighing 6.5 lbs!!! She was finally here.

Recovery was hard,, but with a wonderful husband, supportive friends and family and God,, I made it through PPD without any medication. I now am working through a big battle with my self esteem. This site has already helped me soooo much! I still have about five pounds to lose. The scar doesnt really bother me,, but my softer boobs,, extra cellulite and pouchy belly do. I have posted pics of full term pregnancy,,, one of 4 weeks pp holding my girl and now 3 months pp. You are all awesome! Thanks for sharing your stories and being an encouragement to all these mothers! God Bless!

Updated here.

It is what it is! (Nina)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Child Loss, First Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions 7 Comments

I am 31, and I have two babies. The first one was born in August 2005, the second born in July 2007, so I’m 3 years pp since my last baby. I’ve been pregnant two more times, on top of that, but they both left my body before the 3 month mark.

Two years before having my first kid, I had a breast lift. I’d wanted one so badly for many years! As a teen, my breasts came overnight, and when they did, they weren’t the perky pair that I spied on my friends. They sagged, had stretchmarks, and worst of all, they weren’t team players. Meaning, they had each settled on their side of the body, never the twain shall meet. I called them my National Geographic Breasts, since they resembled something you’d see on a tribal woman from Papua New Guinea. It affected my self image, my self worth, and my sex life. Lights OFF please! Having them done gave me freedom, personal and sexual, and I wore clothes I’d previously never dreamed of wearing. Fun while it lasted!

After breastfeeding twice (totally possible, the surgery removed skin only, not touching mammary glands or nipples), my breasts are back to square one. Slightly better than before, the nipples at least point upwards now! My belly has taken a beating too. Soft, saggy, with a peekaboo bellybutton. My children love them though. We’re often naked at my house, when it’s just us. The kids love to come and press their faces into my soft belly, and carress my breasts, old friends that they are. I did have the belly jowls before, but for the past year I’ve insistantly dry brushed my skin every day, before showering, and that has really improved my belly. Jowls are gone, skin is softer, and the rippling surface looks smoother. I do suffer from some odd condition though. It’s like keratosis pilaris, but it’s right on my old stretchmarks. Not as severe as Pupps rash, but still not all that appetizing.

When the money comes along, I would like to have another breast lift. And a tummy tuck. I’m pretty sure I’m done having babies, but it’s a good idea to wait a few years to be totally sure before blowing that kind of money. I love my husband, and he loves me, but in the event that we ever split, and I find a new man one day, I don’t want to be weighed down by a body that is scarred from the pregnancies of a previous relationship. Like a lot of people on this website have commented, I feel like I’m living a double life. I’m beautiful and really sexy in the right dress. Downright irresistable if I do say so myself ;) But the dress and the expensive, ironlike bra comes off – and everything goes about a foot south! It feels like I’m false advertising!

Until then, I console myself by being otherwise happy and healthy. I have all my limbs, a beautiful face and a pretty good sense of style that camouflages most of my flaws. I try not to look at my body close up in the mirror, keeping a safe distance of about 10 ft. Arms up doesn’t hurt! I look pretty good at that distance! We should all have a sticker on the mirror that says: “Warning, object in mirror may appear worse than it really is!”

I had no idea pregnancy would do this to my body, but in retrospect, I remember being so excited about being pregnant, that I couldn’t wait for it to show. I think I over-ate on purpose, so the belly would hurry up and grow. At any rate, I gained about 20-25 kilos (50 lbs) with both pregnancies, and people always asked if I was carrying twins. Both my babies were pretty big, around 8-9 lbs, but they are healthy, beautiful, smart, funny and all that jazz, so not a drop of regret there! Part of this is learning to accept that I’m not a kid anymore, my body isn’t tight and elastic, but I’m still pretty hot, in my own way (aka clothed!).

080910-nina-1

Behind Enemy Lines (SMS)

Bonnie (SOAM) Body Image, First Pregnancy, Infertility, Mom over 30, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Submissions 6 Comments

Age 30
1st pregnancy, 1 year postpartum

My body has always been the enemy. This shape which outlines the whole of who I am, encapsulating the parts of me both seen and unseen. Somehow, with time and age, it had come to represent me, a personal definition of who I am, carefully crafted for the world to see. The “me” that existed behind the lines of my body was lost in my attempts to measure up to a cultural ideal.

Before my daughter, I was constantly at war with my body. It never did what I wanted, when I wanted it, how I wanted. Having internalized so many of the messages my culture had fed me, I never felt thin enough, shapely enough, sculpted enough. I starved myself for years on end, adopting strange diets in the name of being healthy, and obsessed that it was never enough. It seemed, my body was always bound to fail me. Years of my life were spend battling body dysmorphic disorder – no matter what I did, it was never enough.

When we decided we were ready to have a baby, my body failed me again. The first few months passed. Then a year. Then another year. My body was failing me on a whole new level. Not only did it fail to measure up to some abstract standard of beauty, but apparently its functionality was also impaired. I spent nights lamenting over a loss of my future family, tears wasted after our Re told us it wouldn’t happen on our own. In the war between me and my body, my body was winning.

Shortly before the three year mark of trying to conceive, we finally did just that. And as my body began to change, so did I. For the first time in my, my body had a purpose. It had a purpose greater than myself. In the first three months I gained 20lbs, and I stopped getting on the scale. My best guess is I gained at least 45lbs during my pregnancy, but that was just a number. I felt free. Free to exist as I was, as a woman bringing life into this world. My growing curves stood as testament to the amazing thing happening inside my body and the only standard of comparison was in my heart.

My daughter was born a mere 5lb 10oz. Complications at the pregnancy caused her to stop getting adequate nutrition – one last attempt from my body to fight my new empowerment. But my daughter was strong and healthy. And next week my tiny peanut will be turning a year old. My body shows the proud signs of mommyhood. A handful of stretchmarks adorn my tummy and thighs, my hips are ample, my breasts have nourished my daughter for these nearly twelve months and they show it, and I’m still carrying some baby weight around because my life is too busy chasing my daughter around to obsess all that much. I still won’t get on a scale. This is not the same body I had a few years ago. This body is better. And I am not the same woman I was a few years ago. I am stronger.

Some days are rougher than others. Some days the drive to perfection revs up again. Then I look at my daughter, and I marvel at how this body could do something so amazing. And I remind myself that how my daughter will look at herself starts with how I look at myself. I never want my daughter to fight with her own body, because she is beautiful and incredible as she is. I have learned that one of the best ways to love my daughter is to also love myself.

Coming to terms… (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 5 Comments

Age: 30
Births: 2
Kids: age 2 and 4

I remember seeing pregnant woman and thinking how perfect, sexy, gorgeous, powerful and voluptuous they are. Pure WOMAN. I was in awe.

I was even excited to be that perfectly sexy gorgeous powerful voluptuous WOMAN when I became pregnant with my first child…until the weight came. I had never had body image problems and even fought against the idea of someone else’s Ideal Body Image through writing for young girls and in day-to-day life… but suddenly I wasn’t that beautiful pregnant lady, I was fat. My face was fat. Back fat? Where the hell did you come from? Hot and sweaty, out of breath… I was never one to stare at myself in the mirror, I looked, but not obsessively or really put much thought into it, no shmutz on my face, shirt’s not inside out, etc., but now? I can’t even see myself. Pieces, a face I don’t recognize, an arm or that not so perfect belly, knees, only parts but could never see the whole. In fact I mostly avoid the mirror all together except on the strange occasion I stare and try, really try to see me. I can’t.

One afternoon walking back to a Cat Power show from the bathroom I looked up and nearly run into this goddess of a woman -long thick black hair, creamy hazelnut skin, clothing hanging perfectly, seductively off her curves, dark gorgeous eyes staring directly at… me. “You are the most beautiful pregnant woman I have ever seen” she says, “You’re glowing brighter than the sun.”

“Th-th-thank you” I manage to stammer and looking into her eyes I remember seeing that beauty in other women and for the first time I feel like a perfectly sexy gorgeous powerful voluptuous WOMAN.

My second child is nearly two and though I am back down to my pre-pregnancy weight I take a shower and wonder why I still can’t see my pubic hair without really sucking it in… Which I do a lot of, and wear long shirts, and feel self-conscience when I wear an Ergo and my gut hangs over the waist strap.

The other day my two daughters and I were wrestling in bed. Lying on my back I read the Braille story my deep stretched skin marks told and squishing and squeezing my belly I say “isn’t it beautiful” and both girls nodded immediately with huge smiles. The one year old kisses and hugs my flabby stomach.

What perfectly amazing work this body has done, and beautiful stories it tells. What sexy curves it has and how gorgeously proportioned it is. How powerful I am carrying two children to term and birthing them at home, naturally. This voluptuous woman I see in the mirror is breathtaking.

062210-anon-1

My Story – I Have a Long Way to Go (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, Butt, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 33 Comments

Age: 30
2 Pregnancies, 2 Births
Children 9yrs & 7.5yrs

When I was a kid I was skinny/average, like most kids were back then. When I hit 10 or so I started to gain some weight. I lived on a farm so I had to do hard work and because of that my weight fluctuated a bit (not as much work/activity in the winter). I never really noticed that I was chubby until I was 13 and met my “best friend”. She made fun of EVERY part of me. I was to short, my nose was crooked, my top lip was too poofy for the size of my bottom lip (they are about the same size), my butt was too wide for how big it was top to bottom, my finger nails to pointy, my eyes to almond shaped, my hips too small. You name it, she had something bad to say about it. It was such an impressionable time for me and she ruined what self esteem I had. I met my husband when I was almost 18. He always said he thought I was sexy and beautiful. Even when I was pregnant he still wanted to see me naked and make love with me. During my first pregnancy I gained about 30 pounds. I didn’t quite lose all the weight when I became pregnant again when my first was 10.5 months old. Again I gained about 30-35 pounds. I nursed through my pregnancy and went on to tandem nurse. I lost a LOT of weight rather quickly. I lost all the baby weight and more probably by the time my second child was a year old. I am smaller now than I was before I was ever pregnant, about 25 pounds lighter. You would think that would make me feel really good but it doesn’t. I work out regularly (at least until the past month or), stay active through out the day and eat really healthy. I can’t stand to see my stretch marks, loose skin and small breasts. After nursing for 6 years straight my breasts are even smaller than their already to small pre-pregnancy size and my nipples are stretched out.

I really want to get a boob job, nose job and a tummy tuck but my husband says no way, I’m beautiful just the way I am and he wouldn’t want to touch my boobs if they were fake. He thinks they would look and feel weird. I can’t stand my stomach. I can’t seem to burn the last of the fat off of it, unless I starve myself. The loose skin on it is just disgusting too. I am always grabbing and pinching it wishing it would just go away. My husband says he thinks my stomach is as sexy as it ever was and it’s amazing because it accommodated our precious children. Under normal circumstances I would believe all these things except he has been looking at porn so much. A few months ago he promised me he would not do that ever again and that if we made love every day he wouldn’t want to do it anymore. We do make love almost every day and I still caught him looking at it when I was outside in the yard, playing with the kids! He couldn’t even wait until I wasn’t home to do it (oh and we had just made love the morning before and I had no idea he was even horny that day). He says it’s not because he doesn’t find me attractive. He always tells me how sexy I am and can’t keep his hands off of me. He’ll walk by and say, “MMM MMM” or squeeze my butt when I walk by or bend over. All I can figure is that if I looked like the porn stars he loves to look at so much he would stop looking at other women (I took some naked pics that even I can’t deny I actually look really good in but he still prefers to look at other women naked when it comes to satisfying himself. He actually wanted to show them to his co-workers, or someone because he said I looked so beautiful it was hard to keep them to his self!). Unfortunately we can’t afford for me to get any plastic surgery. I keep telling him when I save up I’m getting it done whether he approves or not. Why wouldn’t he want me to get these things done if I’m willing to do them??? He would be the one benefiting from it. It just doesn’t make sense. I know he loves me very much. He helps out around the house, helps out with the kids and supports me in everything I do. I have become obsessed with is porn habit though. Every time I go outside to do yard work or leave with the kids all I can think about is that he must be jacking off to porn. I just can’t let this go. I don’t know if most women’s husbands look at it and they think it’s no big deal but it’s a big deal to me.

I have so much work to get myself emotionally healthy. I really don’t want to pass this negative body image and screwed up thinking onto my daughter. I’m always worried that I’m going to gain a pound or two and then my husband won’t want to look at me or touch me anymore. I’m thinking about seeing a counselor. I’m not sure at this point if it will do me any good though. I just can’t imagine looking at myself in the mirror and not thinking I’m fat, ugly, stretched out and scarred up. Thanks for listening to me.

The first attached picture is me when I was 19 before I was pregnant, the second is 27 weeks with my second baby, the last picture is a full body shot taken yesterday.

This one’s for my daughters! (Sarah)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions, VBAC 22 Comments

After years of believing that my belly had to be flat and washboard perfect, I finally came to terms with the fact that washboard isn’t normal. It’s not normal for women to look like that, especially after they’ve had children.

Bodies during and after pregnancy are beautiful! Embracing the Goddess Within has been a long time coming with me, but…I’m ready. I’ve always been so nervous about anyone seeing my belly, but…this one’s for my daughters, so…here goes.

I’m 39 years old. I’ve had 4 children. My first daughter was 18 years ago, via c-section. My next daughter was 15 years ago, and a VBAC. My son is 3 1/2, a VBAC, and my daughter just turned two years old (VBAC as well).

I am a breastfeeding mother, and have been nursing now for 3 1/2 years, tandemed for 10 months. I don’t think my boobs have gotten saggy at all. They’re a bit smaller than they were in my 20’s, but with breastfeeding, I finally have those sticky out nipples that I always wanted! No more flat ones for me. Bonus! :)

Age: 39
Years postpartum: 2
Ages of Children: 18, 15, 3, 2
Number of Pregnancies: 11 (7 miscarriages) Number of Births:4

Mommy Boobs (Amy)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 10 Comments

Age: 36
Number of pregnancies and birth: 3/2
Age of children and how far postpartum: 6 years and 9 weeks

I love this site. I have two children, one six years old and one 9 weeks old. I am one of those ladies that gets my stomach back quickly but my babies have done a number on my boobs and rear end. How low can they go? That is the question I want answered. I officially have mommy boobs. Despite the need for a four hook, underwire, padded strap bra, I wouldn’t trade my mommy status for a perfect pair. Bless all the Moms, we are beautiful

6 years after…I still feel a bit unconfident (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 17 Comments

Age: 36
Number of pregnancies and births: 3 (sons)
Age of my children: 12 1/2 , almost 11 and 6

As you can read above I´m a mother of three. I received my first child at the age of 23, the second one at 25 and the little one when I was 30 years old.
My life is undergoing many changes at the moment ´cause my husband and I are going to separate.
For the last 14 years he was the only one to see my body with all the changes due to the three pregnancies.
Now…I´m starting a new life…and may be some day I´ll have a new partner …
and as you possibly can imagine I´m quite a little bit unconfident if someone else will love me…and the way I look…as a mother of three.
I´m quite satisfied with my weight. I´m a bit too skinny but I try my best to gain a few pounds.
I love my tummy …there are no stretchmarks and I think after 3 pregnancies it really looks fantastic…
what really makes me feel a bit insecure showing my body to someone new are my breasts, the way they look now.
They are so small …I really had nice breasts, well-shaped…a German C-Cup and now it´s only B…
and if I bend over they really look saggy and so empty…I hate that.
As long as I´m standing or sitting and do not move too much they look quite okay…but only then.
I thougt about plastical surgery…but I fear the health risks and wonder if I could live with fake breasts…it probably would feel different…kind of foreign body.
so…I think I have to learn to love them the way they look now…
and I hope I´ll find a new partner who loves me just the way I am and the way my body looks…´cause I think every woman wants to be admired by someone…

Loving Myself (Tarah)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Spousal/Partner Abuse, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 6 Comments

I am 31
3 wonderful daughters!

I had my first child when I was 19. Always overweight and insecure with myself, my first pregnancy did not help. I gained quite a bit more weight. The father of my child would abuse me regularly. Never leaving bruises on the outside, just on my heart. I was in labor over 24 hours with her. A C-section was performed and they realized her cord was around her neck twice. If I had pushed I would have killed her. Scarred and alone I raised her for 2 years with only the help of my family. I rushed into a marriage when she was 2, convinced that no one would love a fat 21 yr old single mom. I then got pregant with my second daughter. More wieght gain, more unhappiness. Another C-section, compounding the scarring. It was a lonely time for me compounded by the fact that both my father and grandmother died suddenly. Feeling utterly alone and worthless, divorced with 2 children by 2 different men, I fell into a horrible depression. Then I met my current husband. He never hesitated to tell me I was beautiful, that my girls are beautiful. He loves me no matter what I weigh or how bad my body is scarred. I got pregnant again with my third daughter. Again, more weight, worse stretch marks. My husband never once said a negative word about my body. He is the first man I ever let touch my belly who wasn’t a doctor. At first it was strange, never in all my life had a man ever held me and loved me and my big stretch mark covered belly. He would rub my belly and talk to our daughter, sing to her sometimes even. When she was born had no choice but to have another C-section. I was lucky enough to have the same doctor for all three deliveries. He told me that I will never have a flat bikini belly. I should just give up, and realize I will always want to cover it. When I gave birth to my last child I weighed over 200 lbs. I hated my body no matter how much my husband said I was beautiful. Now my youngest is almost 2, and I have taken charge of my body. I’m not ashamed of my belly or my scars. I made a promise to myself to take care of my body better. I now have lost 45 lbs. which is good, but I have lost the mentality that my worth is measured by my “beauty”. I love myself now, and love my husband more for never making me feel bad about myself. I am lucky enough to be in a community of people who love me for me, not my body. Who cherish the stretch marks and celebrate women in all forms! Thank you to my wonderful extended family!! Thank you for this site to show others what a mother’s body really looks like! Mostly though, thank you to my wonderful husband, for loving me and my body no matter what!!