Worried (Anonymous)

I just had my first baby 9 months (and a bit) ago. The pregnancy was very difficult and although I was told numerous times that I should have been enjoying myself, fun was the last thing I had.
When I found out that I was pregnant, it was the happiest day of my life. And yet, things were very surrealistic. Before being pregnant, I was only 165 lbs at 5’8. During the pregnancy, I gained 40 pounds. I remember that at the worst point, I weighed 220 lbs. I was mortified because I had finally achieved the body I had wanted to achieve. After that, very early in the pregnancy my symphisis split. Apparently, my daughter was in a breach position and was very active from around 2 months in the pregnancy. She would kick and kick! The pain was so bad that I had to carry my belly even if I was walking only a handful of steps. I asked my obstetrician if the pain I was having was normal and she said that this was part of the uterus expanding. Well, the pain never decreased. It was horrible. On top of everything, I got this horrible cough during my pregnancy and we went to the hospital numerous times just because I couldn’t breathe.
The first time we went, they wouldn’t give us any medications. The second time (I was having contractions, not bhc) they still wouldn’t treat the cough even though my coughing was inducing the contractions. The third time, we finally got an inhaler but the cough simply didn’t want to go.
I really had wanted a v-birth with no pain killers, but my OB decided that a planned c-section would be the best for me since I was in so much pain.
My daughter was born prematurely at 6 lbs, 2 ounces (at 36 weeks and 6 days). When the doctor examined her in the OR, he failed to see that she had a tongue-tie. The next few days were rough. Leeloo didn’t want to latch (or couldn’t we found out later on) so we ended up finger feeding her every two hours because she dropped so much weight. I am happy to say that the pain went away the minute they took her out. They didn’t want to release us from the hospital but after a lot of work, we got her weight up substantially and were able to go home after being 4 days in the hospital.
Once we got home, my whole family stepped in to help (we finally got her to latch somewhat using a nipple shield) and we breast/bottle fed her. They told us that if she got dehydrated then it would be a good thing to simply bottle feed. We ended up doing this while trying to get her tongue tie dealt with. Finally, she ended up tearing her own tongue-tie but by then she was used to bottle feeding. It took five months for my milk to dry up (I had enough to feed between 2-3 babies) and that was incredibly painful because every time my daughter cried, my breasts would fill up again.
The next months were really rough because I was sleeping all the time (I suffer from low blood pressure), and my epilepsy started acting up. It got to the point where I was hardly in the picture. After that, I tore a ligament in my right knee (trying to release some stress while exercising) so that made me even more withdrawn. My husband pretty much ran the show (and I must admit that having all of these things happen to me when I am only 28 years old was quite horrible).
Now that my health is finally under control (the issues any way), I am finally starting to get involved with my daughter. She is 9 months old. On top of everything, my body is all misshapen and I can’t really do any exercise.
I have also been experiencing very irregular periods and my breasts are all swollen, my body is bloated and I am always tired. I have done so many pregnancy tests that it is not funny anymore and I have no idea what is happening in my body. Every day I look in the mirror and try and come to terms with my body. It is just very hard. I guess that I should be grateful though because my daughter is awesome and incredibly happy. Anyway, if any one has been in my position, please comment as I really don’t know what is happening. At least I can walk again but it is a little saddening when my daughter doesn’t seem to have much of a connection with me.

4 thoughts on “Worried (Anonymous)

  • Saturday, February 14, 2009 at 10:36 pm

    Oh, mama, I feel for you. You have had a LOT on your plate. (To put it mildly)

    First of all, don’t fret the disconnect with your daughter. It will come. Even without all these health complications, sometimes the connection takes awhile – I didn’t feel a strong bond with my daughter until she was 5 months old or so and that’s without any complications. Remind yourself that this is but a blip in her life and in your relationship with her (and relationships do wax and wane naturally anyhow) and that you will have a strong bond now that you have the chance to create one. It WILL come.

    As for the health problems, I would have a full panel done for hormones, thyroid, anything else that might be causing such symptoms. After my son was born I bled every two weeks and suffered from depression and anxiety pretty badly – turns out I was quite low in progesterone and two months of treatment got me back to normal. And for other reasons, I am having my thyroid checked soon. These symptoms can mean many things, but there is a possibility that they are very easy to treat.

    (((hugs))) I hope things even out for you soon!

  • Saturday, February 14, 2009 at 10:58 pm

    Yep, I agree with Bonnie–get a FULL hormone/thyroid panel. Making a baby and caring for one can really deplete your body of its ability to heal itself. And it sounds like you may also have had some undiagnosed ppd. You are not alone in any of this, and it’s all treatable.

  • Sunday, February 15, 2009 at 9:55 am

    I agree with Bonnie about the connection between you and your little one. I was in the hospital for months after I was born and I know it took my mom a good long while to connect and feel that ‘mother/daughter’ bond. I don’t think she really felt it till I was over a year. Sometimes it takes a while, please try not to make yourself feel bad about it. It’ll come. =)

  • Tuesday, February 17, 2009 at 7:36 pm

    Your daughter is beautiful! I went through ppd, and it is so hard. Know that there is help out there for you, though, if you think that’s what is going on. It sounds like you’ve had so many other health issues that it’s hard to separate what might be causing you to feel so low. Talk to your doctor. Maybe he/she could refer you to a counselor or support group (or both)? I found both extremely helpful. You are not alone.

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