Who am I? I’m a…Mom….who is unsatisfied. Grateful in a lot of respects, but one who feels guilty I’m so unhappy. I can’t believe I’m writing this. Maybe I’ll get some peace with after doing so…doubtful. I must have taken a half dozen pictures of my belly and kept deleting them saying…”nah, it’s not that bad…must be angle.” But, alas, pictures don’t lie so I here I am…humbled….sad…disgusted.
I’m 39 years old with a 4 year old and boy/girl twins who are almost 9 months old. I had an easy pregnancy with my first and difficult time with the twins for obvious reasons. I was on bed rest at 25 weeks and carried them to 38.5 weeks. My son was born 7 lbs. 6 oz. and my daughter was 6 lbs. 1 oz. Everyone is healthy and for that I’m grateful.
But I hate what it’s done to my self esteem. It’s not just my weight really either.
I’ve never been what you’d consider thin. I was always a pear shape with bigger butt and thighs. My only saving grace was my thin waist and belly…now that’s gone. I’m 5’1” and currently weigh about 185 lbs and wearing size 16 pants. With the twins, I got up to like 220. At my happiest, I weighed about 135ish…around my wedding in 2002. Good times!
I’ve tried buying control garments to push in and smooth out the rolls, but it makes me feel like a sausage so I only wear it when I want to look really good…well, as good as I can. I really don’t get out much…thankfully.
Because of our financial situation and with the unexpected twins, I had to quit work and stay home with the twins (my 4 year old goes to pre-school). I hunger for anytime intellectual stimulation and adult interaction. I often think I might be a better Mommy if I wasn’t around them all day, but that is not in the cards right now so I have to make the best out of this. I miss work, but there is no way I could every go back, not even part time, and afford day care for 2 and pre-school for 1. I’m grateful my husband has a good job and we live modestly so we are ok. I do hate having to ask him for money so I can buy socks or underware. It’s kinda humiliating to have to ask for money, but that is my reality now.
One of the hardest things for me is that me and my husband haven’t had sex in almost 2 years (since we conceived the twins). We didn’t at all when I was pregnant…was never really into that for some reason and after the twins, forget it–no energy or time. We are wiped out by 8:30pm and he wakes for work at 5am so he’s tired and I’m tired too. I have a wonderful husband, he’s a great father, great provider…but I feel we have grown distant in a lot of ways. Most of which are related to the chaos of raising a family and not having a lot of “us” time. We were never really ‘nympho’s”…at our best, we had sex 2 to 3 times a month…but it’s starting to bother me. He doesn’t ever complain about it nor does he ever complain about my body…but he never really gives me some positive hope either by saying “oh, honey, you look fine to me.” I’m sure he’s biting his lips out of kindness. I hate my body and don’t feel attractive at all.
The scar doesn’t really bother me, but the “twin skin” does. When I’m laying down, it’s all loose and wrinkled. When I stand, it sags. I don’t even think the gym would help with the extra skin…but it would help if I’d go more. I don’t really mind the gym…getting there is half the battle. The hardest part is managing the twins and a toddler and the gym. Between naps and feeding, I have 45 minutes to get there, drop the off in the child care center on site, work out and get them home for their next nap. I’ve tried working out at home, but I can’t stay focused…I keep thinking about all the housework to do and the million other things I could be doing.
Eating healthy is sooooo much hard work and expensive. Healthy stuff is so expensive and we are living paycheck to paycheck and there is not much left over. And, who has time to cut all that stuff up and prepare…people say the night before….well, I’m beat and exhausted by 9pm. I’m so crazed during the day, that I’m lucky if I can make a PB&J or something quick…surely and conveniently unhealthy. There are times I’m so stressed out that I eat just because it makes me feel better. Like a drug. There are times, I just want to throw up for a week or two to see some results and maybe get motivated. I’m thinking maybe I’ll try Alli too…soiling my pants might be enough motivation to eat well. I don’t know.
It’s not really the weight per se, it’s the displacement of “stuff.” My belly from the side view looks like a “B” and it’s so…weird. I guess that is the twin skin pouch I was warned about. I guess the only lucky part is that I didn’t get any stretch marks which is amazing considering how large I got (picture below is of me at 37 weeks).
I long to be a healthy weight and happy with my body…it doesn’t have to be perfect, but not like it is now which is terrible period. There is not way of sugar coating it for me. I don’t want to be the ‘fat mom’ who can’t run after and keep up with her children. I want my husband to “want me”. I have to find the gumption to do something about this!
Thanks for reading. I hope I can find some peace someday. Maybe after the kids are in school and I go back to work and start saving for a tummy tuck. But for now, I know who I am a frumpy Mom…with no career…no sex life…living in empire waste clothing to hide my belly…with healthy and happy kids, a good husband, and for that I should find comfort…but I really don’t–but will keep trying.
– Age: 39
– Number of pregnancies and births: 3 pregnancies, 2 births—1 via c-section, 1 set of twins via c-section, 1 miscarriage at 9 weeks.
– The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 4 yr old and 8 month old twins (8 months postpartum)
34 thoughts on “Twins and a Toddler…not sure who “I am” anymore (Anonymous)”
Your twins are absolutely adorable! You have beautiful skin and your stomach looks fine. Maybe buy an excersize dvd to do at home, the twins might like to watch you do it and anything moving on tv will hold some attention. I think yoga would be great for you and it relaxes you and lowers blood pressure. Above all health is important, but I totally understand being concerned about appearence as well.
Thank you for sharing your story. It really hit home for me. I too am a c-section mother with an ugly pouch of loose skin. I am at stay at home mother with little to no adult interaction. I just rest assured that my body, while no longer what I would like for it to be, has done an amazing thing and helped me grow and give life to another human being.
as a twin mommy myself i can tell you your belly is small! i am 5’1″, 135#, 2 years post p. AND COMPARED TO MINE your belly is SMALL. i work out 3-4 times a week and my belly isn’t shrinking the way i’d like but the rest of me IS (I can see that my tummy muscles are separated and have a drs. apt in 2 weeks to ask about that). the gym DOES help me to feel better, so that makes it worth it to me. also working out helped my sex drive come back. :)
I can’t believe how much I can connect with you here. After I had my first child, I didn’t lose any of my baby weight, infact, I gained more. I was always stuck at home with him, would eat because I felt like it, and took advantage of “just having a baby” to hide the fact that I hadn’t lost the baby weight.
My husband and I were lucky to be having sex once a month, it was never even talked about, and it didn’t seem like a big deal. Until my son was a year old. Then it seemed everything just flashed before my eyes. Thigns had to change. It takes baby steps, one thing at a time. If you try to fix everything in one failing swoop, you will fail and feel worse. Focus on one thing at a time and you will see results :)
I’m sorry you feel this way. It’s not fair, no one should have to feel this way. But remember you are here for your children. So mommy has to love herself or else she can not love others unconditionally.
I have a post here you should read “Love Yourself Mama, Then Love Everything Else”
you have a pretty belly and you had TWINS!?!?great job, you have a nice glow to your skin too = ) your kids are adorable <3
I’m so sorry you’re going through such a hard time. Your twins are simply adorable! I can imagine how busy you must be and how exhausted, and how starved for some “adult time.” I think you’re doing great–you’ve already lost almost 40 pounds despite the obstacles to “optimum eating” and exercise. Wish I was closer to watch the twins while you go to the gym and then out for a cup of tea!
I only have one but I definitely hear you on the “no time to work out” part. Not only is the gym EXPENSIVE, but my husband works nights so he’s usually asleep during the day and I’m on my own with the baby. It’s too hot outside to take walks (it’s already in the upper 90s, and it’s only early June), and the mall is too far away. But maybe I’m just making excuses.
Can you take walks with your babies? I know they’re only 9 months old but strollers make a great resistance training tool. Even if you just walk around your neighborhood for 20 minutes a day, you’re getting exercise and it should energize you a bit.
Your skin looks fantastic. From the way you described it I expected so much worse. It’s beautiful, and in time nobody will ever expect you had twins!
Ok so first off, your twins are sooo cute!! Also, the fact that you don’t have stretchmarks says alot about your skin’s elasticity. You can easily get your belly where it should be including the skin but don’t wait too long! The p90x is an amazing workout that can be done at home and works for EVERYONE! I did it and my skin snapped back, stretchmarks and all! My first was 10lbs, and my second was almost 8lbs only a year and a half later. I am due with my 3rd any day now and plan on doing the same again. It would help you get your sexy back too ;). On the other hand, the gym might help you get out and have some adult interaction.. I hope you can find it inside of you to love yourself! I would kill for your smooth skin… Best of luck.
Wow your tummy is beatiful! Flawless skin and it’s really not that saggy considering you had twins. Mine does the same ‘B shape’ thing and I only had 1 baby. No advice on the time to work out part though, just big hugs. once summer comes and the twins are up and running, you can take them to the park and for lots of walks. Just being in the sunshine can help to make you feel better about life and have more energy.
i always think i’d rather have weight than my skin. you look so much nicer than me even though all my “baby weight” is gone. you not getting stretch marks is so great! a little bit of work and you’ll be even more smokin’!
You look beautiful! I wish my tummy looked that good (and I only had one baby). You have no stretch marks at all and you have three beautiful and healthy children. I think it’s admirable that you’re going to the gym with three kids. There are a lot of little things you can do to help you lose some weight, change everything to whole grain, eat more fruits and veggies (Green Giant has some great inexpensive frozen veggies. My favorite is broccoli, cauliflower and carrots with teriyaki sauce. Yummy!), drink water only and go to the park with your kids. Take advantage of the sunshine and fresh air while you can. Don’t lose hope. Things are hectic because you have twins but you and your husband will eventually (hopefully soon) will fall into some sort of routine and things will be normal again. Ask a relative to babysit and go out on a date with your husband. Remember before there were three kids it was only the two of you, don’t lose that connection between you and your husband. Even if it’s a smile when he comes home from work (yes even if you’re exhausted) at least make an effort. I always try to have at least some lipgloss on every day even if I’m not going anywhere. Makes me feel pretty when I think I’m the frumpiest thing on the block.
I don’t know where you live, but I found a great web site for making some “adult” friends when I moved to a new city last December and knew nobody but my hubby… Meetup.com. I found two mommy and baby groups and have made a few good friends which really saved my sanity from being home alone all day. Maybe you can find some other moms interested in strolling or going to the park for a playdate. The kids have a great time and even though you don’t get “away” from the kids, you feel refreshed. If you don’t have any groups in you area, maybe try the library. They often have story and play times for kiddies and you can meet lots of other moms in the same boat as you. Getting out and doing stuff is the best way out of a funk in my opinion. Even if it is hard to do, you build self esteem and feel better about yourself. Good luck mama :) You look great to me by the way, and your kids are adorable!
It sounds like you are going through a very difficult time right now and I really feel for you. Even though I have no idea what it would be like to have 3 kids. I have one very active little boy and another on the way. I try to cut up a bunch of fruits and veggies when he is napping that will last a few days. I agree with another poster that p90x is an amazing workout. I also go to the gym. My hubby works out of town so I find that getting to the gym gives me some “me” time. I love the workout classes and find them quite motivating. Also can you join some moms groups in your area? I also found that to really help me out alot. with my husband gone so much it can get lonely and we all need adult interaction. I have made some awesome friends through moms groups. SOmetimes we switch kids so we can go out on a date with our hubbies. I really hope things will look up for you soon! Sounds like you need to make some changes though in order for that to happen. Your belly looks great by the way too! Your skin is awesome. Take care!! :)
Gosh, I have a very similar story to yours. I have a three and a half year gap between my son and my twin girls who I carried for 39 weeks. I also had a caesarean with my twins. I felt so much the same as you do at this stage. It is so overwhelming keeping everyone happy and so easy for you and your relationship with your partner to be the last priority. I remember being angry that my husband didn’t seem to miss having sex with me. Things changed. My girls are 3 now and my son is 6 and in his second year of school. The girls are wonderful playmates and our days at home flow pretty smoothly. I have freedom from being their playmate that i didn’t have with a singleton so I can potter and do some housework and read them some stories or help resolve conflict. It is SOOO much easier than those early days. And as I have become happier more relaxed and less exhausted our sex life did return, we rediscovered each other. My body has recovered slowly too. I have killer stretch marks, wobbly skin on my tummy and I had a four finger width muscle split which is slowly closing but somehow I feel sexy again. It has taken a lot of working through my feelings of self hate to accept myself and see the beauty of my body.Give yourself time, the twins are still very young. Your body will recover (and you won’t have tiger stretchmarks). Do what you can without creating more stress. Reach out to other mamma’s. The best gift of motherhood for me has been the connections and time spent with other women. That and my relationships with my kids make it all worth it. Oh, and walking with the kids in the double pram is very good excercise indeed!
You’re living modestly, but paying to go to the gym? You have two perfect exercise partners at home! Babywear!!!! You can wear twins, one front and one back, or one on each hip, until their combined weight is about 35lb, then continue to wear one at a time. It’s a fabulous workout, while you do laundry, dishes, walk somewhere. And it doesn’t have to be expensive. Ask on Freecycle! If you sew, you can make slings very easily. You can even make a no-sew wrap with a bed sheet. There are even exercises on the Moby wrap website (although I wouldn’t use a stretch wrap if your babes are getting close to 20lbs, go with something more supportive).
Eating healthily is NOT expensive. Whole wheat bread costs the same as white. Ditch the gym membership and use that for extra grocery budget. I’m sorry, but you can’t say you live frugally when you’re paying to go to the gym! I know what it’s like to not have energy to make healthy food, but if that’s all you have in the house…I tell my kids, “I buy ingredients, not ‘food'”.
What you focus on, expands. If you say you have no time to exercise, you will have no time. If you say healthy eating is expensive, you will still spend money on crap food. Try calling your local largest grocery store and seeing if they offer tours/cooking classes. Call public health and see if they have nutrition programs/nutritionist. Even new baby classes/mom & me can offer healthy food options. Don’t forget, you’re teaching your children something with every bit of food you choose.
It really sounds like you need to get out and meet some similiar moms–is there a “moms of multiples” group?
I’ll just say it again…what you focus on, expands.
Your skin is gorgeous!! It looks so evenly toned and smooth in your pictures. I don’t remember what it wad like to have skin that nice on my belly since I started getting stretch marks when I hit puberty.
Poor Momma, it will get better. Your tummy looks absolutely great! No stretch marks at all. I haven’t had twins and my tummy would put a big ole smile on your face; it’s scary! And not to worry about your sex life; it comes and goes. Luckily, you have a supportive husband who isn’t pressuring you. My husband and I try to laugh about it and love one another in other ways. Once our children are a bit older, we’ll find ways to be more intimate. I wanted to comment to let you know you’re not alone. With Warmth.
Just wanted to say you look great!
I think it is much easier to be intimate when your self-esteem is higher and you feel good. So do something that makes you feel good about yourself, try to get all dolled up – even if you are just staying in the house to watch a movie.
It is really tough with little ones i know. I have a two year old and a one year old. They both go to at seven so then it is daddy and mommy time and we try to really enjoy each other and let the other chores be put off. It gives us a good two hours before I am completely gone and in dream land. You can do a lot with two hours spent together :)
I think finding other moms in your area would be a huge help, your kids can all play while you chat with other adults, it’s not the same as going out without them but at least you could spend time with other adults. When you say you and your husband used to have sex 2-3 times per month I wonder if you already had some issues hat might need to be worked out, sex is important for bonding so it is important to make time for it but of course with today’s hectic lifestyles it can be hard and it’s not romantic to put “sex” on your calendar. But I wonder if you have any friends or family who would be willing to watch the kids once in a while so you and your husband can go on a date and get away from all the stress and responsibility and remember what you liked about each other in the beginning. Don’t try to be a mind reader, and don’t try to make your husband be a mind reader – if you’re not having sex don’t assume it has to do with his opinion of your body, and if you want to have sex or want to just cuddle or want him to do something, tell him. Make sure to keep the communication going – make time to talk about how you feel, it’s likely you both feel the same way or maybe he doesn’t feel things you assume he does and once you talk about it you could become much closer & happier in your lives together if you feel like you are hearing each other. If you are sad or depressed or stressed, it’s really important to talk to someone, anyone – whether it’s your husband, a friend, a therapist or even just an online support group like this one. Don’t suffer in silence and assume you have to accept being a “frumpy mom” – you’ve got to make a little time for yourself and remember all the things that are great about you and that you deserve happiness too.
i think you look wonderful and you’re very lucky not to have any stretch marks. i had my baby 19months ago and i still have a mummy tummy plus im only 22! some days it gets me down but most days i just think of what a small price it is to pay for my daughter and i know i would be happy with much worse as long as i had her. Also maybe you’re husband doesn’t want to ask for sex because he’s afraid he might upset you if you are very insecure about your body.
I think you look AMAZING…especially for only being 9 months pp with TWINS! Remember, we are always our harshest critic and motherhood is tough, esp. mentally, but you can do it, you already are, and before you know it – they will be grown and you will have an amazing claim to fame!!! Hang in there, mommy!!!
your tummy looks great , i would be happy if mine looked like that , you have no stretch marks creating loose saggy skin , i think you look fabulous :)
I am currently 27 weeks pregnant with twins, and I just wanted to say that your body looks beautiful. I already have a few strech marks on my hips…If you want to excercise more try going for walks with the babies etc. I am sure lifting them up all the time is a huge workout! Eating healthy can be very inexpesive, are there any farmers markest in your area? The produce is usually very cheap and fresh and a fun trip for the family. Maybe on a Friday get a meal prepared like a lasagna have a friend come over to watch your kids and take a nice bath/shower and get yourself dolled up so you feel great, then when your husband comes home have a nice dinner with a bottle of wine after kids are in bed… anyway you look great. I hope I look as good ad you
I totally related to your story and have felt lots of those hopeless moments when I had two babies at home and no time/energy for me. Please just hang in there. You will feel a weight off your shoulders when the babies turn a year, then again around 18 months and now that my youngest is two, I can’t tell you how good it feels. As they continue to become independent you will start finding satisfaction in things you enjoyed once upon a time. They will entertain one another or sit and watch a cartoon or be old enough to take to a playgroup or a preschool. There have been so many moments that I would call my mom in tears and she would always tell me, this is the hardest time… the older they get, the easier they get, and it is TRUE. I haven’t changed much about my diet, exercise etc either but my body has continued changing. At about the 18 month postpartum mark I suddenly lost more weight and my hips have started getting smaller too. TIME is your best friend but please enjoy the moments you have as much as possible too. It passes SO quickly. I have the badges of honor all over my breasts, stomach, hips and thighs too… I would take a little flab (that can come off) over strech marks that will never come off (only fade). But, so what that I may not want to trot around in a two piece ever again? I have two amazing children and as time passes my body is proving me wrong. It is possible to change it and it gets easier with every step. You are beautiful and so are your babies. The best thing I did was find a girlfriend to do a babysitting swap with and I have a regular date night with my husband every other week. It is AMAZING what that has done for my self esteem, our sex life, our relationship and my attitude toward my time at home. It has given me something to look forward to. A little time to step out brings a lot of good perspective. TIME is your best friend. Hang in there :)
I have to comment! To carry twins of that weight – YOU LOOK AMAZING to me, your skin is gorgeous. You are only 8 months postpartum give yourself a break, I think you are fabulous!
Beautiful Babies! Wow no stretch marks! I think your tummy looks great and if you do pilates a few times a week in addition to a healthy diet I think that would do the trick. Check out the Serotonin Power Diet by Judith Wurtman from MIT. You can eat a ton of carbs and be a good mood while you lose weight! It’s super easy to follow for busy twin moms like us.
Thank you so much for sharing your story! I think it is so important to know the other side (mental/emotional) of reality! Its so hard to hear for you but you are lucky!! You have no stretch marks!!! This is a blessing! Your babies are still little!YOu have all the time in the world to get back into shape!! We are not airbrushed supermodels! We are women! You should place your beauty on the fact you are woman and a mother!!! Its so easy for someone on the outside to comment but I hope all these comments have made you feel better! .. Try going out to mother and toddler groups many are free!! you get to meet like minded women and your little ones can play! :D xxxx
And try pilates at home! .. You could borrow DVD’s from your local library and then you get a changable excersize routine that I bet your little ones will love to watch and join in with!! haha. x – Excersoze will slowly increase your sex drive and confidence too! . xxx
I read your story and was expecting the worst. Scrolled down to the pics and….well, I think you are lucky. You don’t have any stretch marks, you have nice skin. No, your tummy isn’t flat, but I think if you worked out you would see a good improvement. Wow, I think you look good.
Omg you are so lucky you have a gym with childcare! What a blessing! Even if you just went in to rake a shower in peace!
I am so jealous of you you have no idea!
Hi, I have a 3 year old and 7 month old twins, a boy and a girl. I can relate to you being exhausted. With my first baby I was tired but with the twins and elder sibling I am only now beginning to feel somewhat better as they are all starting to sleep a bit better. I am breastfeeding the twins and have been advised by my doctor not to do strenuous exercise as it will reduce my milk supply. I do walk with the children almost every day. I have a mountain buggy pram that my eldest sits on top of if she needs to. It has been the best thing we have bought I think. I bought it second hand from a market for a fraction of its retail cost. I find that getting out into the fresh air at least once a day makes me feel good, if I don’t get out of the house I feel depressed. Often we just walk to the local shops to get a bottle of milk or a loaf of bread, or go to a local park for a play.
Your children are beautiful and it is clear that you love them dearly. This is the greatest gift you can give in life and you are doing a wonderful job. Try not to beat yourself up. Try to be positive. My Nanna had 6 children, with number 6 she had a c section. This was in the 1950’s and the stitching came undone. Can you imagine? She has said to me, don’t worry there’s brighter days ahead. That’s helped me at times. I tell my husband everyday that I love him and I love it when he walks in the door after he’s finished work. We make a big deal of it, cheering, hugs, kisses, be quite silly and we usually all go for a walk together. It makes us all feel good. Perhaps walking may help if you can? Baby steps whatever you decide. It will get better and you’re doing wonderful x
I have twin toddlers and a 9 month old and I have found that if I want to work out at home the Wii fit is awesome. You can do a whole workout from home and the kids are entertained watching mommy do what the screen is telling her. And the extra skin does firm back up some over time. Plus you have like no stretch marks! I’m jealous! Hang in there once you hit the one year mark it gets a lot easier to lose weight… namely because the babies will discover that if they split up it makes it harder for mommy to catch them :)
I just saw this years down the line and have to say, as the mother of two year old twins, that seeing yourself through your husband, or anyone else’s eyes, is always going to cause insecurities. At the end of the day you need to love you and the light will shine through to others. From personal experience I would say to remember the things that inspired you and made you happy “pre-mamahood”. For me it was photography, cooking (for me, not pasta and quesadillas for the kids) boogie boarding, foot massage, movies and shopping with a close friend. I forced some time in my life at least once a week to do something for me. It’s amazing how freeing and uplifting it is to do something that inspires you – whatever that is. If there is something active that you liked to do, make time for that as a priority and it will help you feel better on many levels. You look beautiful, each of those things that you see as a defect are part of what made you a mother. Without the extra skin on your belly you never would have had those amazing babies. Those are badges of honor. Wear them with pride!
Your twins are absolutely gorgeous and I don’t know what you are going on about ….your belly really is not that bad it look good. I am a mother of twins,18 months postpartum,27 years old and your belly probably look better that mine at the moment. Still I am not discouraged ,I’m giving myself another year to slowly lose weight and get my body better than pre-pregnancy. I encourage you as well to count your blessing and be as positive as you can be. Maybe you can start of giving your husband a blow job until he comes. Gradually you will get your sexblife back. All the best!!
Wow you described my situation just that I feel my partner is tired of my crazy head and laziness… I’m in tears all the time, I have a 18 months old boy and 5 months twin boys…