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Single Mom, FML (Anonymous)

22y/o FTM of 5month old

Well I just need to vent, get it out before I go completely off the deep end. I lay here next to my son and in some ways I want to die. I want to scream and hit and throw things and I want to finally break down and give up. I am so sick of fighting but I have to. I can’t let my son grow up with unhealthy habits, so I have to put a damn smile on and pretend that I don’t hate everything I see when I look in the mirror. I have to pretend that I never think what if I hadn’t had my son. Because I would always do it the same for him but I dream, and remember the body I desperately miss. The face that I never liked sneers at me as I look at my deflated ness. I took a nude but couldn’t look at it, let alone let anyone else. I’m a single mother who can never again date 1) I worry about the effects on my son 2*) who would want me? At least anyone who wasn’t a dog themselves? Call me shallow, because I am. I couldn’t ever undress for that dream man if he came along, let alone let him near my bomb zone. My son is only 5months but I myself won’t go near that wrecked place again. I look at my son and thank God but I beg him to let me look human again. I love being a mom but I hate looking like one. Not the best pics but you can still see (I’m conceited) I went from awesome curves (can’t see it but rippling toneness. Rippling!) to flappy baggy saggy ew look at that mom.

in Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions
7 comments… add one
  • Emily Wednesday, February 18, 2015, 1:07 pm

    My heart goes out to you. First, please please find someone who you can talk to. Your doctor, baby nurse or even a helpline. Second, your body is not ruined because she is strong beyond your wildest dreams. she will recover and be beautiful and worth loving. You need to know that there is hope even though you are hurting now. Please take care x

  • Hannah Thursday, February 19, 2015, 10:45 am

    I am also a young mama, and I have had to battle similar thoughts, not about relationships (I am married) but about having a normal life again. I used to be energetic and happy, but with PPD and back injuries that went undiagnosed for a long time, I have often felt like I have outlived my worth. The pain makes me so irritable with my boys (3y. & 15m.) and I regret almost every day of my mothering, but I have to press on for them.
    Don’t believe what the media and cruel people around say. You are a beautiful mama, and you deserve someone who loves you for more than your muscle definition.
    ((Hugs))

  • Jey Thursday, February 19, 2015, 1:32 pm

    Big hugs to you. I agree with the first commentor that finding someone to talk to is an important first step. I find that mommy groups or find other moms to vent with also helps. Your body did an amazing thing growing a new human (!). It looks different because it is different…but that’s what makes it amazing. Even if you don’t feel it, you look human and you look beautiful.

  • Rich Friday, February 20, 2015, 1:34 am

    The body you once loved is still there. Sure, I’ve learnt of the loss of confidence that woman face after pregnancy, but you’re strong enough to regain that confidence. 5 months on after giving birth is nothing. In another 5 months you’ll notice even more of a change.
    As previous people have said, find someone to talk to. A trusted friend, or even a helpline. Do that for starters, and meanwhile, learn to love your body again. Spend more time in the nude, look at yourself in the mirror at regular intervals. Work on the bits you’re not keen on, and in no time you’ll rediscover that confidence.

  • vanne Friday, February 20, 2015, 6:15 pm

    A good man will love you exactly as you are. I met my now-husband with post-baby-body. I’m pregnant again and hating my body, but he’s still telling me I’m beautiful. (I swear, he must be delusional!)

    There are good men out there. Give yourself space and time to heal (emotionally). Talk to someone in person, maybe a professional. Then when you’re ready, you’ll find a man who loves you for you, and loves every curve of your body.

  • Emily Monday, March 2, 2015, 2:52 pm

    Definitely find someone to talk to. Your story isn’t unique, and I don’t mean that to sound harsh, but so many mothers go through this. It’s important to remember that your body took 9 months to get how it was at delivery, with the added help of hormones etc. Now, it’s not going to repair itself in any less time than that. It’ll take longer because you haven’t got the help from your body. It’s all up to you, and it’ll be a long and slow progress if you want it to be a healthy and permanent one. I was shattered when I had my daughter. I was fit and toned and lovely. Beautiful big boobies that were nice and firm. I went down a cup size and they’re much softer. My solid stomach muscles did me a disservice because I had to have a section, so my lovely tummy muscles were literally ripped open, and that’ll never go back to how it was. I also had a few complications from my section that I shudder to remember. My daughter is 10 months old now, and I’m about 3 kg heavier than pre-baby. But I’m trying to be kind and forgiving to this body of mine. It’s all I have to walk me through this life and it’s been through so much recently. I too suffered PPD, and it is so, so hard to try and walk through, and I wonder if it’ll ever leave me, but I am trying my best to be positive. It’s not just me and my body anymore, there’s a tiny human being who loves you more than anything else in the world that needs caring for. And men… That can come later on when you’re more settled down within yourself. ser the beauty and value within yourself rather than a not perfect tummy or boobs. Confidence is worth more to a real man than anything else. A partner worth your time (and that of your child) would rather a sting woman than a trophy wife any day.

    I believe in you. You can do it. =)

  • Jodie Saturday, March 7, 2015, 7:52 pm

    I believe in you. It is hard to look at your body and you can’t help compare yourself with other moms who look amazing after having kids. It also doesn’t help with the media breathing down our backs every waking moment to tell us that we don’t look good enough. I’m 21 and my daughter is now 1. I’m expecting baby number 2 in August. I will admit that my body went back into shape very quickly after I had my daughter, I actually lost 5 lbs, but I didn’t come out unscathed. I have usightly stretch marks on my hips and breasts. None on my belly though. I pretty much can forget about a bikini.

    I just wanted to tell you to hang in there, things do get better. About the finding a man part, guys are 90% pig, 7% gay, and there is a rare 3% that actually care about who they come home too at night. I found one of those guys and I know you can to. But hey whats the rush, you have a 5-month-old. Enjoy that little man of yours and try to raise him to be one of the 3%.

    Good luck.

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