22y/o FTM of 5month old
Well I just need to vent, get it out before I go completely off the deep end. I lay here next to my son and in some ways I want to die. I want to scream and hit and throw things and I want to finally break down and give up. I am so sick of fighting but I have to. I can’t let my son grow up with unhealthy habits, so I have to put a damn smile on and pretend that I don’t hate everything I see when I look in the mirror. I have to pretend that I never think what if I hadn’t had my son. Because I would always do it the same for him but I dream, and remember the body I desperately miss. The face that I never liked sneers at me as I look at my deflated ness. I took a nude but couldn’t look at it, let alone let anyone else. I’m a single mother who can never again date 1) I worry about the effects on my son 2*) who would want me? At least anyone who wasn’t a dog themselves? Call me shallow, because I am. I couldn’t ever undress for that dream man if he came along, let alone let him near my bomb zone. My son is only 5months but I myself won’t go near that wrecked place again. I look at my son and thank God but I beg him to let me look human again. I love being a mom but I hate looking like one. Not the best pics but you can still see (I’m conceited) I went from awesome curves (can’t see it but rippling toneness. Rippling!) to flappy baggy saggy ew look at that mom.