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Past, Present and Future (Anonymous)

We, as woman, are constantly sizing ourselves up. Constantly comparing, wanting to see if we are better, or worse, or normal…especially when it comes to our bodies. Today I found out that the tiny, cute, dancer who works with me has a due date only five days after mine. She seems so cute, so small, people look at her and smile. People look at me and ask “aren’t you due next week?”. An adult life of weight loss and management, going from 236 to 120 to 150 to pregnant, often has me looking around, seeing if I’m normal, feeling large. It’s somthing that I have to deal with. On one hand I see the tiny cute pregnant women and think to myself, “I don’t see how they are able to create life, they seem so small, so frail.” I think, “I’m glad i have dealt with weight loss and stretch marks already, it wont be as much of a shock to me as it will be to her.” The other hand says, “You really should have worked out more, eaten better, paid more attention to your weight.” The insecure side says, “You worked so hard before, now its gone and you wont be the cute woman you fought so hard to become.” Luckily I am surrounded by people that tell me that I look great. I have a husband that loves my shape, round or not. I have hit a point in my head that says, “You are thirty, and in love, and lucky to have a life to bring into the world, you aren’t the same person you were when you were twenty-six and trying to find yourself again. You have found yourself, and you are an ever changing wife, mother, woman, friend.” I know that I will have battles with my body, but I find what it can do completely astounding. That right now, as I type, I am helping a new person grow. No matter what size I am that is a beautiful thing. The pictures I am submitting were at about 5 months (taken by a talented friend, they are copy protected) then me about 6 weeks from my due date (taken in a hurry, by me) Hopefully better pictures will come :)

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9 comments… add one
  • Stacie Monday, June 23, 2008, 11:30 am

    Is it just me, or do you look normal? Ha! You have a nice bod!

    Like you … being in my thirties has helped me relax a bit. Let’s face it … there comes a time when the need to flaunt your body kind of falls by the wayside. Like you, I’m glad to not be in my 20’s anymore with the need to fit a certain type of look. I’m actually cool with my body now in a way I never was before – when technically … it has more wear and tear now.

    Anyone ignorant enough to fault you for your body could probably be levelled with a pithy, rhetorical intellectual retort anyway. Some people just don’t have any depth. And you sound like a very intelligent lady – you write very well. So don’t let anyone get you down – including yourself.

    You look very normal to me – and with brains to boot, you’ll be attractive no matter what you look like anyway.

  • Brendy Monday, June 23, 2008, 6:13 pm

    My weight has been up and down my whole life so I already had stretch marks too! You look great! Like you, the older I get (I’ll be 41 next month) the more at peace I am with my body.

  • Crystal Monday, June 23, 2008, 9:22 pm

    I just wanted to tell you I think you look beautiful and I love your pictures. I could never lay down and take a picture like that after breastfeeding for almost two years I have deflated D boobs that disappear under my armpits :-)

  • Melissa Tuesday, June 24, 2008, 7:17 am

    I wanted to comment and say I love your words…it was really awesome to read your entry…And then I also wanted to say you are BEAUTIFUL and I think you should be extremely proud of your body you look amazing :)…thank you for sharing your story!!

  • Deb Tuesday, June 24, 2008, 8:48 pm

    I hope you don’t honestly think small people can’t create healthy lives- that seems mentally “frail.” You do realize that you seem equally as judgemental toward people as you assume people are toward you. Incidentally, I think you look beautiful.

  • Sarah Wednesday, June 25, 2008, 8:18 am

    Wow! You are so beautiful! And I’m not just talking about your photos. Your heart is beautiful, too! Your husband is an amazing man! What a blessing you have… a wonderful husband, a beautiful child on the way… Thank you for sharing your story! Your words have helped many!

  • Sarah Wednesday, June 25, 2008, 8:19 am

    Wow! You are so beautiful! And I’m not just talking about your photos. Your heart is beautiful, too! Your husband is an amazing man! What a blessing you have… a wonderful husband, a beautiful child on the way… Thank you for sharing your story! Your words have helped many!

    Deb–She wasn’t talking about that. She was sharing her thoughts, rational or not. I have thought those thoughts before. I knew a woman who was hardly showing at full term. How could there be a baby in there, KWIM? That’s what she means.

  • Beth Saturday, June 28, 2008, 9:17 am

    Thanks for writing out how I feel.

  • Misty B Friday, June 4, 2010, 5:08 pm

    Thank You! Amazingly, I only got 3 or 4 stretch marks with my 1st pregnancy. I got what seems like a bzillion with my second. They’re on my belly, hips, and inner thighs. I’ve always had them on my breasts, being a DD since I was 14, but they didn’t bother me so much. The others bother me enormously.
    I just turned 30 and have had a strong desire to get my 23 year old body back. That’s how old I was when my husband and I started dating. He used to say I was Smokin’Hot. Now he says I’m beautiful, which is great. But I want 2 b smokin’ hot again.
    Your article has helped me realize stretch marks can be beautiful. I’m also reminded of a time, when I was looking sadly @ myself in the mirror, my husband wrapped his arm around my waist and ran his finger the length of every mark.

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