On How I Bought My Baby (Elizabeth)

Originally posted on Elizabeth’s blog, Queen E The Third.

I’m just going to come right out and say it.

Before having kids?

I was a hot piece of ass.

Of course I didn’t see it then, but boy, do I see it now.

I would give my first born to have the body of 19 year old me again.

Just kidding.

My second born.

Just kidding.

The dog.

He barks too much anyways.


When I got pregnant with Samantha I didn’t gain more than 6 pounds in the first 4.5 months. I still comfortably wore all my regular clothes.

At nearly 5 months pregnant people actually didn’t believe I was pregnant.

Do you hate me now?

Sure, things changed some. Almost immediately there was some shifting. But nothing too drastic. I wasn’t working out. After losing my job [because I was pregnant, in not so many words. True story.] I really wasn’t doing much of anything. Except for eating whatever I wanted. When it came to food, I pulled the pregnant card more than what would be acceptable from Michelle Duggar. I survived solely on Olive Garden, Taco Bell, Taormina’s Pizza [it’s a Detroit thing, you wouldn’t understand], Cold Stone or Ben & Jerry’s, and Sprite. For real.

Then somewhere between 4.5 and 5 months I woke up one morning with a bump. A certifiable, visible to the public, baby bump. My pants would no longer button and my suit jacket wouldn’t close. Thankfully I could go without the jacket, but pants? Not wearing pants to work is generally frowned upon, unless you’re a in a specialty line of work. I used a hair time to keep my pants together and wore the longest shirt I could find. I probably spend the majority of that day with my zipper down and didn’t realize it. As soon as I left work I went and bought my first pair of maternity pants.

At first everyone told me that I made a such a cute pregnant woman. That it was “all in my belly” and “you don’t even look pregnant from behind”. I begged to differ, but compliments are nice. Then as I grew the comments were more like “are you having twins?” and “you must be due any second!”

No and no. But thanks.

I remember putting my cocoa butter on every day and simultaneously praying/thanking for no stretch marks.

7 months in, 2 to go.

In those last 4 months of my first pregnancy I gained almost sixty pounds.


The majority of that weight came on in just the last month. Bringing with it stretch marks that made my belly look like it’d been mauled by a tiger. They were long and purple and deep and they hurt like hell.To make the area formerly known as my sexy stomach even more of a crime scene, the scar tissue from my naval ring got hard and turned a poop shade of brown.

On the day I went into labor with Samantha I was 218 pounds.

In the 10th hour of labor or so, with no drugs.
She was 9 pounds and 9 ounces at birth.

Dare I say perfection? I dare.

When I hobbled out of left the hospital, I was somewhere in the 180s and determined to get my body back. Two weeks postpartum I started walking with Sam. At first I was only doing a couple blocks, then after my mom bought me an encouraging new pair of sneakers I started building up little by little. Eventually we got up to 7 miles each trip.

I started to get bored and craved a little alone time. Ken and I agreed that I would get an hour a day at the gym. I did 30-60 minutes on the elliptical and ran/walk depending on how much my knee could take.

When I went back to work after my 6 weeks of maternity leave I decided I would bike rather than drive. Never you mind that it was 8.5 miles one way and I hadn’t ridden a bike in well over 5 years. I was going to do it. Dammit.

And I did.

I used Ken’s old bike, after replacing it with a super cushiony seat [hemorrhoids say what?]. I packed my work clothes, breakfast and lunch in a backpack and loaded my iPod. On good days the ride was about 30 minutes. By the time I got to work I was sweaty and my face was beat red, but I felt good.

I rode to and from work, then if time allowed, before Ken had to leave, I would also go to the gym. In the afternoon we did our walks. Whenever Sam was playing on the floor I would get down and do endless crunches. When she was restless, I would put her in the carrier and do lunges up and down the hallway.

The last of the baby weight?

Fell off. Fast.

I was down to a few pounds less than before I was pregnant and things were fitting.

I don’t know that I’d ever felt so good in my life.

I was proud of myself.

And I was confident. Mostly.

With my clothes on you’d never guess I’d had a baby. But without? I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. My stomach was deflated. The skin was loose and droopy. You know when you have a bunch of helium balloons that you forgot about and they start to loose air, getting those little wrinkles? That’s what my stomach looked like. I think Jess describes it best when she compared the postpartum belly to raw bread dough. Believe me, it is every bit as appetizing.

I tried everything. Cocoa butter. Vitamins. Drinking gallons of water. Bio Oil. Mederma. Nothing worked. Not even a little bit. I toy around with the idea of a tummy tuck, but won’t seriously think about it until I know that I am done fulfilling my duties as resident baby grower.

Angus is SO not impressed.

Until then I’ll continue to remind myself that Sam was more than worth it. I mean, I got a beautiful baby, and all it cost me was the skin from my midsection.

14 thoughts on “On How I Bought My Baby (Elizabeth)

  • Tuesday, May 10, 2011 at 7:37 am

    I loved reading this, it made me giggle and gave me hope! You are right, a beautiful child in exchange for some midsection skin is worth it!

  • Tuesday, May 10, 2011 at 7:40 am

    I love the way you write your story. Your baby is beautiful. Congratulations and well done for working so hard, cycling is amazing and I can’t wait to get out on my bike again.

  • Tuesday, May 10, 2011 at 7:48 am

    its a detroit thing,lol…you lookgreat hun, go detroit :) windsor over here.

  • Tuesday, May 10, 2011 at 11:30 am

    Your story is very well-written. You really should be proud of yourself. You have a beautiful daughter and the determination to get back into shape after her birth. I push myself to work out a couple times a week, but I never feel like. I don’t know how you did it. Good job!

  • Tuesday, May 10, 2011 at 6:21 pm

    You are the most entertaining writer! Forget a blog, you should write a book! Really I hung on to every word…you’re funny and spirited. I love it! And even though you won’t believe me I think your tummy region is gorgeous! Honestly!!! And WOW Way to go on all of that activity. I envy you. I envy you not just for what I can tell is an awesome personality behind these words but also the beauty that you and your daughter exude. I wish you all the best!

  • Wednesday, May 11, 2011 at 5:21 am

    You are hysterical! And we are def 1st preg twins, I remember wearing a bikini at 5 months and no one thought I was preggo, then BAM 60 lbs! You look great and your story is inspiring!

  • Wednesday, May 11, 2011 at 10:04 am

    you make me feel better about myself and give me the confidence that I can loose all that weight. I also have the belly ring issue, its all brown and gross….anyway, I love your story!

  • Wednesday, May 11, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    You have given me lots of hope that after this baby(my second) that I can and will lose the weight and get back down to where I am happy. :)

  • Wednesday, May 11, 2011 at 3:54 pm

    I personally think you look unbelievably amazing! A tummy tuck would be a tragedy… to erase all of the footprints of carrying your beautiful girl and for no reason at all, really… because you truly look fantastic! You have a cute tiny little tummy! Bravo, mama!

  • Wednesday, May 11, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    Loved, loved, LOVED this post. You are a great writer and I could ‘hear’ you saying it and I don’t even know what your voice sounds like. I think you have a future in writing mama! :-)

  • Wednesday, May 11, 2011 at 8:36 pm

    I am not a fan of the writing style at all but the message is great.

  • Saturday, May 14, 2011 at 11:43 pm

    Amaris, why would you say you’re not a fan of the writing style? Didn’t your mother ever teach you that if you don’t have something nice to say then don’t say it at all???

    This amazing lady just wrote a beautiful story AND it was freaking funny as HELL. Thanks, Elizabeth!

  • Sunday, May 15, 2011 at 9:32 am

    I love your story and I too envy your determination. My youngest is 8 months old and I’m still 20 lbs away from my prepregnancy weight. It’s been a loooong cold winter here in the mitten but now that spring has arrived, Ive been walking. Hopefully before summer is over….

  • Sunday, May 29, 2011 at 1:06 am

    Wow thanks for writting this it made me giggle also. Im glad your able and have the determination to work out so much.. your daughter is a cutie and your really right about the cost of our babys being our bodies mainly our missections. My stomach is similar to yours I’ve accepted the stretchies just wish my stomach was firmer but oh well my kids are my life now that 18 yr old body is long gone but oh ya im only 24 with 2 kids lol.. but I love them more than my looks.

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