I’m still alive, but we lost our precious daughter. (Maureen)

Age: 32
Pregnancy/birth: 1
Children: 1 angelgirl in heaven, passed away 3 days after birth

Title: I’m still alive, but we lost our precious daughter
Name: Maureen, Proud mama of Chloë*
Country: The Netherlands

On Monday evening the 25th of July 2011 I was brought to the hospital by Ambulance, because of serious belly ache. I passed out several times. By the time I arrived in the hospital I was in shock. I was rushed to surgery to get the baby out. The doctors thought of a placental abruption. But in surgery they found out that I had an internal bleeding, I lost about 3.5 liters of blood. At 23.59h our beautiful daughter Chloë was born. The moment she was born she was not breathing, so they helped her to get her breathing right. Her heartbeat was stable.
Later that night Chloë was transferred to a specialized hospital because the doctors worried about her brainactivity as a result of the lack of oxygen.

After surgery I was brought to the Intensive Care, where I was kept asleep and on the respirator. My condition was stable at that time.

My sister in law and my husband went to the hospital where Chloë was taken to. She was brought to the NICU. She was also on the respirator. Her tempature was brought to 33.5 C to minimize brainactivity and braindamage.
While my husband was with Chloë, he got a telephone call from the other hospital that I was brought to surgery again because of another bleeding…
My sister in law brought my husband back to me. In surgery they found out that I had another 2,5 liters of blood in my belly. When I was back from surgery, I was brought with a mobile intensive care unit to the same hospital as Chloë.

Chloë wasn’t doing very well… 2 brainscans showed no activity, this was caused by the lack of oxygen. Probably caused already on Friday when I had some belly ache also. I was doing better and after my condition was stable enough I was able to see my daughter for the first time on wednesday. Later that day we were told that there was nothing the doctors could do for Chloë anymore. On
Thursday they would stop the treatment.

On Thursday 28th of July, Chloë stayed with us the whole day and we could even hold her in our arms. But at 19.00 h the respirator was stopped and at 21.00 h she passed away in my the arms of my husband…
We kept Chloë with us until Sunday, then she was brought to the mortuary. I was doing better and after in total of 4 days of intensive care and 3 days of medicare, I was transferred back to the hospital closer to home on Monday, were I stayed until Thursday.

Together with our family and friends, we said goodbye to our sweet little princess on Saturday the 6th of august when she is cremated.”

We’re so proud to be the mommy and daddy of Chloë, but it hurts we had to let her go after 3 days…
We were so looking forward to have a child to take care of. We love her, we miss her… But she will always be our little girl.

The scar that I have confronts me every day. It’s a negative memory, it reminds me extra that we have lost our baby girl. But it is also a positive memory, as I’m still alive and we have a daughter now, although she is an angel in heaven. Since that scar we are a mommy and daddy. We love you, Chloë. You are our little princess. ? ? ?

I even can’t remember how my belly looks like without the scar, this is now who I am and in a strange way it makes me also that I’m blessed.

It will mean a lot to me if my story will be part of the ‘The shape of a mother’ community.

22 thoughts on “I’m still alive, but we lost our precious daughter. (Maureen)

  • Thursday, November 15, 2012 at 7:51 am

    What a beautiful maternity photo. You look beautiful now as well. I am sorry to hear about your Chloe, but you are right, she will always be your daughter. My first son passed away when he was 19 months old. He was born with a very rare syndrome, and passed away at home in his sleep. I know your pain all too well. What a blessing that you survived, and you have your husband and you baby in Heaven waiting for you. I wish you happiness now and in your future.

  • Thursday, November 15, 2012 at 9:51 am

    Wow, what a powerful story. i’m so glad you decided to share it and I’m so very sorry for your loss. Sometimes we need to read a story like this in between all the others.
    You have such strength, what a great mother you are.

  • Thursday, November 15, 2012 at 10:32 am

    I am so sorry for you loss. Your story was beautifully written and brought tears to my eyes. So wonderful to have such a positive outlook on live and your body. Chloe will always be in your heart.
    You are beautiful.

  • Thursday, November 15, 2012 at 11:27 am

    I am very sorry for your loss. God bless you.

  • Thursday, November 15, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss, Maureen. You may find the following community helpful. It is for grieving mothers to share stories about the deaths of their babies: https://facesofloss.com/

  • Thursday, November 15, 2012 at 4:12 pm

    You have a beautiful and positive spirit. Thank you for sharing your story.
    Baby Chloe must be proud of having a strong mama like you. :)

  • Thursday, November 15, 2012 at 9:35 pm

    Wow. You are truly brave for sharing. This brought tears to my eyes for a few reasons. I lost my son hours after delivery 2 months ago and it is no easy feat. I thought of him and my experience and my heart goes out to you. I wasn’t in harms way so your trials AND survival makes me appreciative. You are such an inspiration. God Bless.

  • Friday, November 16, 2012 at 9:19 am

    I’m holding my son peacefully sleeping in my arms and can’t stop crying. I wish no mother had to experience child loss. Lots of hugs to you.

  • Friday, November 16, 2012 at 11:47 am

    I am so sorry you lost your angel. Thank you for sharing your story here.

  • Friday, November 16, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    thank you for sharing your story and photos. I am very sorry for you loss.

  • Sunday, November 18, 2012 at 11:18 pm

    I am so sorry to hear that your little Chloe is no longer with you. I pray that you will be comforted. :(

    I think your scar is beautiful. There is a story behind it. And something tells me that you would rather not have a life without seeing your baby girl, even if it was just for a moment. Your scary is a reminder of that beautiful three days that you were her mommy. In fact, you’ll always be her mommy.

  • Monday, November 19, 2012 at 6:39 am

    Thank you all for your sweet and kind words!

  • Monday, November 19, 2012 at 7:08 am

    We miss Chloë* too, she’s my beautiful Godchild. Maureen is my beautiful sister and I’m blessed to have her still in my life, I’m proud of her, and proud of Chloë’s daddy too! <3

  • Thursday, November 22, 2012 at 10:23 am

    <3 so sorry for your loss

  • Friday, November 23, 2012 at 6:33 pm

    Chloë is also my daughter’s name, so sorry to hear i can’t imagine:(

  • Sunday, November 25, 2012 at 4:01 pm

    Sending you and your husband love and strength vibes, can’t even begin to imagine the pain you have been through – I sobbed out loud just reading your story. Chloë was blessed to be nurtured by you for her for all those months and while she’s not physically with you, she will always be so close to you and you will always be her Mama. Will keep you all in my thoughts, kudos for being so brave and staying positive x

  • Wednesday, December 5, 2012 at 10:50 pm

    No parents should ever outlive their child. I am deeply sorry :-( I’ve known some who have also lost children very soon after birth, and they have said throughout life that they are not parents because they have not raised children. But they are. And so are you. You are a mommy, and he is a daddy. You two are Chloe’s mommy and daddy, and always will be. And someday, you will be mommy and daddy to another precious child! And even though your next baby will never see Chloe, he or she will always be a big brother or sister.

    I have a niece who is incredibly psychic in the way of seeing spirits…I had a family picnic one time, and I eventually told her how I’d lost one early on, and she suddenly got wide-eyed and said, “That explains everything!” I was confused but she went on to tell me that she kept seeing this little girl tagging along with me at the picnic. The little girl looked a lot like me, but I never seemed to acknowledge her. In fact nobody did. She finally realized it was a spirit but didn’t want to say anything about it while everyone was there. That was my little girl.
    Anyway, I know your angel will always be with you, even if you don’t know it. But try to pay attention to anything you can’t explain…a touch, a sound, a smell, anything like that. I bet she’s around her mommy, and I think she always will be!

  • Friday, January 4, 2013 at 10:41 pm

    I lost a daughter too. A mother should never have to say goodbye to their child. Hugs to you. Your rainbow will come.

    Those constant reminders seem to help me heal. I hope they can for you too. <3

  • Thursday, January 10, 2013 at 1:09 pm

    This was suh a heartbreaking story. I am sorry for your loss and so glad that you shared your experience with us.

  • Monday, January 14, 2013 at 8:13 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss and with all my heart wish you great happiness to come.

  • Friday, January 25, 2013 at 11:25 pm

    It breaks my heart that you lost her but I know she is waiting for you and although it hurts to be away from her O the joy you will have when you see her again

  • Wednesday, April 16, 2014 at 2:47 am

    I am due July 25th and having a boy. Thank you for sharing your story.Sending a big hug.

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