Author: Bonnie (SOAM)

I am in the 32nd week of my 4th pregnancy, and I decided to do a self portrait project this time around. At 18 weeks I took a picture of myself with the self-timer function on my camera, in order to show my online friends how my belly looked. I realized that I had very few photographs of myself pregnant, and even fewer that I really liked. The picture I took of myself turned out so well and gave me such a boost of self esteem that I decided to document the entire pregnancy in this way. I have never felt really bad about my body during pregnancy, but I have never felt really great about it either. This time around, by photographing myself in creative and artistic ways, I have discovered a powerful peace and love for the shape my body is taking. I feel strong, sexy, and beautiful. It has affected how I feel when I am out in public as well as at home. I am much more comfortable letting my bare belly be seen by even my own husband and children, and even a little bit in public! I am proud of my growing belly and breasts, and I know I will be so thankful for the documentation of the changes my body is going through later on. I have decided to continue the series into the post-partum phase after seeing this site, which I don’t think would have occurred to me before.

I want to encourage women everywhere to photograph themselves during their pregnancies. I hear so many women say that they do not have pictures of their pregnant bodies! Not only will you be documenting a very important part of your baby’s life, but you will find that having pictures of yourself that you love will make you feel so much better about how you look right now. If you cannot do it on your own, please- find a friend who can help you. I am willing to offer any technical advice and encouragement, as well as help with retouching dark or off-colored pictures, in order to help mothers obtain photographs that make them feel good about themselves.

I should say that some of my photos have been altered using Photoshop image editing software. I have not changed anything about my skin or shape, but I have manipulated the images to make them look more artistic, etc. such as lightening them or softening backgrounds.

Thank you all for sharing your stories and pictures.

Hello,

Ever since I found this website, I’ve had mixed emotions. I was a mother, but only very briefly. I had an abortion when I was eight weeks along. I had the surgery a month ago. I thought I would be mentally prepared for what it would mean; I am still trying to find peace within myself.

At the time, I was very scared. The pregnancy was my first, and the father is someone I had only been seeing a few months and he would be leaving at the end of August to go back to school. I was afraid to tell him because we both had things going on in our lives; we are on the cusps of distinguishing our careers. I couldn’t fathom what changes it would’ve meant for the both of us. More over, I wasn’t sure of how he felt about me. My family has a lot of worries, and I didn’t want to add to them; I would’ve had to rely heavily on them if I had the baby. Basically, I felt really alone and decided that not having the baby would be the best thing for everyone…even when something within me told me otherwise. I just didn’t think I was strong enough to raise the child on my own.

After the surgery, I ended up telling the father anyway. He understood the situation I was in and he’s been very supportive. He told me he wouldn’t have let me go through with the surgery and that I should have told him. Nothing else would’ve mattered to him but me and the child. My family also told me they would’ve supported me no matter what, and they are sorry that I had to go through that. In hindsight, I should have listened to the voice within me. I have a hard time forgiving myself.

I look at this site and recall how my body changed so much in those eight weeks. I am really athletic, and I was amazed at how quickly I would fatigue at my daily activities before I found out I was pregnant. I’m also highly weight-conscious. I gained ten pounds in those eight weeks and I could not figure out where it came from. Coupled with the nausea and growth in the size of my breasts, I realized what was happening.

I remember thinking throughout the time I was pregnant and watching my body change that I didn’t want it to happen. My body was showing so much change in such a short time. I was scared. My body image was never a problem for me yet it was in a place that I felt was perfect for me before it changed during my pregnancy. Now that I’m not pregnant anymore, I’m depressed. I want to see my body morphing as the mothers’ bodies here did throughout their pregnancies.

I would’ve been 12 weeks along by now…I miss looking down at my torso and seeing that pudge below my navel where my baby was growing.

In the weeks following the surgery, I hated my body – not because of the way it looked but because it reminded me that I had been pregnant. It looked the same even though I was not. The surgery was painless, and I felt like such a hypocrite being on pain medication when nothing but my heart hurt. I wanted to be in more physical pain than I felt. My body has since returned to its pre-pregnancy state.

When I started reading the testimonies of mothers on this site, how their stretch marks and scars reflected the pride they felt for carrying their children, I realized why I felt so empty. I wasn’t proud of myself or what I did. The thoughts I had about my body changing during my pregnancy were superficial; I only felt that way because I decided not to have the baby, so seeing it change so quickly made me feel guilty for what I was about to do.

I read this site with admiration for the mothers who submit their stories and photos. I want them to know that I envy them. I envy their stretch marks, their post-partum bodies, their sacrifices of their old selves as they embraced their new roles as mothers. This site is powerful therapy for me even though it probably doesn’t sound like it. I have hope for myself, for my future pregnancies. I look forward to when I can post my own photos here.

Thank you for listening,
K

I have two beautiful babies ages 2 – 3 this october and 7 months. Both are girls. I got pregnant when i was 17 years old with my eldest, i was one month clean from sever drug abbuse that nearly claimed my life. I weigh a tiny 118 lbs, if that. I didn’t gain ANY weight with my eldest until my 8th month and maybe then gained 30 lbs. I had alot of stretch marks because no one ever told me that by itching them would cause stretch marks.

Well my delivery was wonderful, no pain drugs, no problems, no episiotomy. My husband was somewhat supportive. afterwards, I felt like I failed at breastfeeding because she wouldn’t latch on because my breasts were so engorged. I couldn’t pump because i refused to take pain medicine because of the drug fear, and so I felt like I failed her. I started eating more and more, and was very dissatisfied with my appearance. My once smooth flawless skin was over ruled by pimples and oil. My hair had grown so much became brittle at the ends, and felt fried. My husband constantly nagged me about my weight and made me feel really bad. i went from a very healthy eating habbit to polishing off ice cream at 230 am while bottle feeding. The picture below was taken 4 months before I got pregnant with my first.

And this one is a few months before I was due.

Anyways, I finally statred working when my daughter was 4 months old and it made me feel really good, I met some girls who had bounced way back into shape and were up on current beauty things, and we had lots of girl time, and i really felt back in the swing of things, toting baby JM on one hip and somewhat normal looking tummy, still weighed 20 lbs than i used to but i felt really good. Then about a year and some months later I found out while my husband and I just like 2 days had seperated, I was pregnant with our second. Afraid to tell him because we had moved somewhat to washington state, and i moved myself and JM back in with my parents in california, i was afraid he would have thought i cheated on him. which i clearly didn’t and if any doubt even occured i offered a paternity test. Anyways with my second, stella girl. It wasn’t right the first month, i had morning sickness my first pregnancy, but this felt beyond morning sickness, my parents left me to the house by myself while they went up to washington to visit my grandma, I would sleep for hours, I wouldn’t eat anything, I couldn’t drive, i became dizzy, disoriented, i don’t even remember taking proper care of my daughter because i felt too sick. I dropped alot of weight I weighed 140 when i found out i was pregnant with stella and then weighed at 124 only months later.

I finally went to a doctor, but they didn’t know what was going on, put me on iron and i still didn’t feel better. I began to get these attacks in my stomach, it felt like i was dying, felt like I was miscarrying at 6 months!!!! I went in for several tests and the doctors ‘guessed’ that it was gallbladder disease. which they treated with enormous supplies of vicodin and phenergan. I was high for the rest of my pregnancy because they said there wasn’t anything they could do about it, i stayed on a very strict eating diet and still had the attacks. my husband had no idea how to help me, and decided being an ass still was the best way to go about things. He continued to nag about what i did and how i complained about how i never felt good. I still wasn’t gaining any weight by 8 months and took me out of work and had me on bed rest. My work was threatening to fire me if i had went on bedrest, they threatened to find some way to fire me so i quit. the hospital that i had had my eldest in refused me, and told me if i went into labor i would have to drive a half hour out of town to deliver. I felt like the world was turning its back on me.

I struggled with the sickness, having to increase my vicodin because the normal dose wasn’t covering the pain, i began to have chest pains, i would faint, dizzyspells, tunnel vision. i was soon not allowed to drive not even down the street. I went into Labor at 10 am December 16th after my midwife stripped my membranes. I had good strong steady contractions until 5pm, when they completely stopped. i napped until 10 pm when they started to induce with pitocin, 3 bags later… still didn’t dialate to anything spectacular. at about 1230 i mentioned to the nurse that i was going to push because i felt it was time, at 8 1/2 centimeters she said i couldnt because i would rip my cervix.

gawd i didn’t give a damn.

Still no pain killers because back labor and contractions weren’t enough for me to ask for any, I pushed stellas head out without my doctor there. there was no waiting to push anymore, it hurt to much to not push.

My legs swelled up so bad and my arms swelled i felt really icky. my docotor was prepped a half hour before i pushed that i was planning on having her soon, and didn’t show up only in time to catch her when she came out.

Here is a picture when i was 7 months with stella.

Anyways they left the placenta in me for a half hour and then the nurse rudely informed me iwas not allowed to shower until stella was finished, eventhough i didn’t need help showeing. so i told her i was going to the bathroom she then threw a tempertantrum because i did and told me my husband couldn’t stay the night.

Stella was a healthy 7 lb 13 oz baby.

About one month after all my gallbladder symptoms seemed to disapear so I stayed to the strict diet, and breastfed wonderfully. I wasn’t making enough milk so i half breast fed half formula fed, but was clearly thrilled to breast feed at all!!!

late december morning I thought i was dying again. My husband suggest i take a vicodin because the symptoms were much different from the gallstones symptoms when i was pregnant. i did, the pain went away. I went and saw a doctor who wanted to order absurd tests on my butt saying its was all an anal problem… so i went to see another doctor and mentioned to him when i was pregnant they said i had gallstones..

went in for an ultrasound, was never called with the results. 4 weeks later i went in, asked them they scheduled an appointment for 2 weeks later, still having lots of attacks now, 2 3 times a day. i went in for a 5 minute conversation with the doctor who said no gallstones were found but reffered me to a surgeon anyways. i had to wait 3 weeks to see the surgeon. He said we were taking it out because it look contracted.

they scheduled surgery for one week later. apparently the gallbladder attack i had on easter never went away.

May 4 was the scheduled surgery, and i did it and i have never felt better. but all that pregnancy and then surgery has left my body warped, i dont even know where hips would start. i exercise most days and eat as healthy as i can afford, some days i still dont eat. But i cant seem to lose the weight. the swelling in my hand finally went away but now the swelling in my legs and ankles are just terrible.

here are pictures i took just now of how my body looks.

But after all that, i would do it again, to have my two beautiful little girls.

I am writing you actually feeling like I don?t even have the words to summarize the immensity of my respect and gratitude I have for you.

I had a serious eating disorder ? I am almost 5?10, I dropped to 105 lbs. I recovered (superficially) and have even gone on to counsel young girls about beauty and body weight issues. I have carried five babies ? two that lived. I have almost lost my life and my son?s life with his delivery. We made it, but my body is still my nemesis.

I would still say it is the most consuming issue in my life and has even almost undone my marriage.

Never in all my years of struggling have I felt underground thought patterns start unraveling like they have since I?ve started reading your site every day. I?ve actually been shocked at what a profound and almost instant change I?ve started to notice in how I?m thinking. I was reading a magazine this afternoon and saw that I was just thinking/seeing so differently. Even though these are concepts I have taught at a university level.

I am thankful to you beyond words. Your site is a beautiful inspiration/revelation.

Thank you once again for providing a safe place for us to share our feelings. Just because a woman does not lose the weight does not mean she is lazy or irresponsible. When I was expecting my first child, a friend told me, “When you become a mother, you give up part of yourself.” Mothers that I know will breastfeed on demand, hold their babies close in slings, hold little ones who are sick all night long so they may breathe better. They are so busy in the early days taking care of their babies that they often forget to eat until noon. So while they may not be able to work on their bodies immediately after giving birth, they have more important work: making bonds of trust that will last a lifetime.

My youngest is now 2.5. She was born with serious health problems and I felt I was running a marathon every day just to keep her alive and keep my older child nurtured and loved. The last thing I had on my mind was the shape of my body. My youngest will probably always have her health problems but now we now she will live and thrive and be okay. My out-of-shapeness represents her survival. I have just started to exercise last month and nurture myself. I have my entire life to nurture myself. I only have a few precious years to nurture my babies.

When you look at someones picture here, or a mother in pubic, you cannot assume that she is overweight and lazy. She is probably working harder than she ever has in her life. Her shape is not high on her priority list. So maybe it should not be high on yours to notice it, either.

These videos show what I have been doing the last five years: having and raising my children. I hope the world is a better place because of it, even if my body is not.

The Story of Abirami

Nitara’s Journey

I just wanted to tell you that I thought this site was so wonderful!! I have completely felt like my body doesn?t resemble anything that it once was. Thanks for making me realize that I?m not the only one.

Here is my story: I got pregnant with my 1st child in 2003, and I had a very normal pregnancy?nausea and bloating included. I went into labor 2 days before my due date in February of 2004, and I woke up a month later in a different hospital. I do not recall any of the details of my son?s birth except for a few moments. I was told that I had had an amniotic fluid embolism. Here is some info on it:

https://www.obgyn.humc.edu/web/fellow/conferences/amniot.htm

My son was a vaginal birth with no tears, but my doctor couldn?t stop the bleeding. My blood pressure went down to 20. I went into DIC (Disseminated Intravascular Coagulation) which means I used up all of my clotting factors , and I was going to bleed to death if they didn?t do a hysterectomy. After the surgery, my kidneys and part of my lung failed. Due to all the fluid that was pumped into me and with the kidney failure, I gained approximately 100 lbs. in fluid. I did not have any stretch marks during my pregnancy, but I did get them when I gained all the fluid. I was life-flighted to a major hospital where I was put in a drug-induced coma while on 24-hour dialysis. I stayed that way for 4 weeks and was woken up when my kidney/lung function returned to normal.

I stayed in the hospital for another month for blood clots, a possible stroke, and a mysterious fever. I received rehab, and I finally went home. Ever since then I have not had the same body I did before I got pregnant. In the side photo, you can still see the brown scars on my forearm where the fluid was seeping it?s way out of my skin. The weight never came off, and I?m still fighting it. My stomach never properly returned to it?s normal shape. I also had a 10 lb. baby in there, and I wasn?t able to really work out until after a year. With my surgery scar, there is 3 inches of scar tissue due to the blood clots that are on top and bottom of my scar?hence the hang-over. My stomach is still all squishy, but it has gotten better in the past couple of years. My skin (all over my body) was literally hanging down when I returned home from the hospital. I had lost so much muscle mass that it?s amazing what happens to your skin. I was 29 at the time, and my skin hung like a 90-year-old woman.

I also know that I wouldn?t trade this body for the world because I got the chance to be a mother to my son and a wife to my husband. I gained 70 lbs. during my pregnancy (thinking that I would be able to take it off after), and I actually don?t regret it. My body is the mark of someone who survived a traumatic experience during one of the most special times. Who can complain about the size of the pants when 2 big, blue eyes look up at you because you are their mother.

Jennifer

“All this time spent in front of the mirrors when the soul itself is threadbare.”

There are a few things I wanted to touch on that I’ve been hearing around the web recently.

First some would claim that this site isn’t a very balanced view of what pregnancy does to a body. To that I would say, perhaps not. But who needs to see perfect bodies when that’s what we see every single day in the media? In any case, this site sure seems to have a beautiful diversity of bodies from lean to overweight and everything in between.

I also want to make clear here that I am not promoting unhealthy lifestyles by welcoming those who are overweight to post here. I am an advocate of eating healthy and exercising. However, I know since I have struggled with weight for all of my adult life that it is NOT EASY for some people to maintain a healthy weight and I will not censor any entries. It has been said, and I’m sure all the ladies here will laugh with me at this, that stretchmarks only occur for lazy women who do not work ontheir physical shape. I laugh, but it’s an offensive, ignorant thought.

Lastly, I want it to be clear that I do not choose what to post here. I have not yet seen an submission I wasn’t willing to use (in other words, I will post anything appropriate). So what you see is not my decision, but the choice of each woman who has been so wonderful as to share with us.

There has been some criticism, yes, and I definitely wanted to address it (particularly since I wasn’t able to respond in the news article I posted earlier today), but the fact is that the VAST majority of comments about this site are positive and empowering. You ladies rock. Keep it up!

First of all, I want to say THANK YOU for starting this website. It has been eye opening to me to see all the different ways women’s bodies change during and after pregnancy. I actually cried a bit as I was browsing through the stories and photos. Let me also preface by saying that despite the fact that I’ve recently been unhappy with my body, I love my children more than anything in the world and my changed appearance is really a small price to pay to have them in my life. They are my life. I’d seriously shave my head bald and never step on a scale again if it would insure their happiness and well being.

I’ve gone through two pregnancies and although neither were easy, I made it to the 37th week with both. The first one ended with a 36 hour labor and vaginal birth. Although I had stretchmarks, I rapidly lost all the weight I’d gained (25 pounds), plus an additional 7 or 8 pounds, so I was thinner than I’d been in years. I actually felt attractive again. My husband complimented me frequently! I attributed the weightloss to the fact that I was breastfeeding, because I certainly wasn’t exercising and I ate whatever and whenever I wanted to. It was great! When my daughter was 15 months old, I became pregnant again. In less than a month, I gained 10 pounds and this time, my son entered the world via Emergency C-section due to fetal distress. He spent 6 days in the NICU and I spent the next 2 weeks wondering if my body would ever feel ‘normal’ again. In addition to the stretched out belly, now, I had a huge, painful incision above my crotch!

Well, here I am, 8 and a half months later, still wondering if I’ll ever feel GOOD in my skin again. Despite the fact that my son still primarily breastfeeds, the weight isn’t coming off like it did after my first pregnancy. While I realize that I’m not excessively overweight, I’ve got 20 pounds that just won’t budge. In fact, I weigh the same now as I did at 6 weeks postpartum. None of my pre-pregnant pants or shorts fit me yet. I’ve been so determined to get into them, that I’ve been wearing elastic waist athletic shorts and maternity shorts all summer. I’ve been beating myself up for not being able to lose weight as quickly as my friends who have had babies months after I did.

During my pregnancies, I didn’t mind the extra weight. Obviously it was there for a reason, so I embraced the chance to be curvy without feeling like I should be on a diet. I loved having a big belly. I’d lift my shirt to show it off and take photos of myself almost weekly. My big, round belly was beautiful to me. That all changed as soon as my children were no longer in utero though. I was ready to switch back into my old body!

After browsing your website over the past couple days, I am slowly starting to be more accepting of my new body. Even if I do manage to drop the rest of the baby weight, my body will be forever changed. The scar and my stretchmarks will always be there. The skin is loose. When my son weans, the skin on my breasts will sag more. I know that this is going to bother me from time to time. When the media bombards us with images of women with slim, slender, gravity-defying bodies, and we are encouraged to achieve MILF status, it’s hard not to look in the mirror and wish we looked like them. But at least now, I have a place I can come and visit as a reminder that those of us who have brought children into the world are changed inside and out -and that there are far more women with stretchmarks, sags and scars than myself and there is nothing wrong with us!

Mandy (Ethne & Eliott’s Mommy)
our personal website is https://www.prismperfect.com/ if anyone cares to see my beautiful babies!