Ever since I found this website, I’ve had mixed emotions. I was a mother, but only very briefly. I had an abortion when I was eight weeks along. I had the surgery a month ago. I thought I would be mentally prepared for what it would mean; I am still trying to find peace within myself.
At the time, I was very scared. The pregnancy was my first, and the father is someone I had only been seeing a few months and he would be leaving at the end of August to go back to school. I was afraid to tell him because we both had things going on in our lives; we are on the cusps of distinguishing our careers. I couldn’t fathom what changes it would’ve meant for the both of us. More over, I wasn’t sure of how he felt about me. My family has a lot of worries, and I didn’t want to add to them; I would’ve had to rely heavily on them if I had the baby. Basically, I felt really alone and decided that not having the baby would be the best thing for everyone…even when something within me told me otherwise. I just didn’t think I was strong enough to raise the child on my own.
After the surgery, I ended up telling the father anyway. He understood the situation I was in and he’s been very supportive. He told me he wouldn’t have let me go through with the surgery and that I should have told him. Nothing else would’ve mattered to him but me and the child. My family also told me they would’ve supported me no matter what, and they are sorry that I had to go through that. In hindsight, I should have listened to the voice within me. I have a hard time forgiving myself.
I look at this site and recall how my body changed so much in those eight weeks. I am really athletic, and I was amazed at how quickly I would fatigue at my daily activities before I found out I was pregnant. I’m also highly weight-conscious. I gained ten pounds in those eight weeks and I could not figure out where it came from. Coupled with the nausea and growth in the size of my breasts, I realized what was happening.
I remember thinking throughout the time I was pregnant and watching my body change that I didn’t want it to happen. My body was showing so much change in such a short time. I was scared. My body image was never a problem for me yet it was in a place that I felt was perfect for me before it changed during my pregnancy. Now that I’m not pregnant anymore, I’m depressed. I want to see my body morphing as the mothers’ bodies here did throughout their pregnancies.
I would’ve been 12 weeks along by now…I miss looking down at my torso and seeing that pudge below my navel where my baby was growing.
In the weeks following the surgery, I hated my body – not because of the way it looked but because it reminded me that I had been pregnant. It looked the same even though I was not. The surgery was painless, and I felt like such a hypocrite being on pain medication when nothing but my heart hurt. I wanted to be in more physical pain than I felt. My body has since returned to its pre-pregnancy state.
When I started reading the testimonies of mothers on this site, how their stretch marks and scars reflected the pride they felt for carrying their children, I realized why I felt so empty. I wasn’t proud of myself or what I did. The thoughts I had about my body changing during my pregnancy were superficial; I only felt that way because I decided not to have the baby, so seeing it change so quickly made me feel guilty for what I was about to do.
I read this site with admiration for the mothers who submit their stories and photos. I want them to know that I envy them. I envy their stretch marks, their post-partum bodies, their sacrifices of their old selves as they embraced their new roles as mothers. This site is powerful therapy for me even though it probably doesn’t sound like it. I have hope for myself, for my future pregnancies. I look forward to when I can post my own photos here.
Thank you for listening,
38 thoughts on “Anonymous”
Anonymous,I just want you to know that time will help you heal. I had two abortions when I was young (I’m 33 now) and though I have not forgotten, I have forgiven myself for making those wrong choices. I now have a wonderful husband and two beautiful daughters and they are the light of my life. Please be kind to yourself and realize that you are blessed to have such supportive people around you. There are probably support groups in your area that can help you deal with your grief over this if you feel that it would be helpful.Thank you for posting your story.
Thank you for sharing. Your feelings are so raw still, you sound like a very brave woman. Give yourself a hug, know that one day you will be a wonderful & caring mother. This was an experience that many women have had to encounter, you are not alone and yet I’m sure you feel alone. In time you will heal and the experience will soften. Don’t blame yourself as you were scared and felt alone. Thank you for your story. Maybe it will help someone who feels as you do. God Bless. Jen :)
Don’t feel guilty or sad. You always have to do what is best for you. You will get your chance.
K- Thank you for sharing your story with us all. It had to be a very hard choice for you to make, and sharing here publicly is very brave of you. Best of luck!
K,Though your baby is now in Heaven, you are still a mother; so I’m glad you’re here, posting on this site and giving a voice to thousands of women just like you. The shape of a mother isn’t just limited to her body– it’s the shape of her heart, too. From the sound of it, yours is pretty big.Blessings and hugs,RebeccaP.S. I know a good place to go to cope with the aftermath of abortion is Rachel’s Vineyard: http://www.rachelsvineyard.org (They have weekend retreats that are very healing, and which have helped countless people.)
Your story really touched my heart because I also had an abortion in my early 20s and was severly depressed for a long time afterwards. I finally sought some counseling to deal with my guilt and grief (even though I didn’t think I needed it at the time) and it was the best thing I could have done. My biggest subconscious fear is that I would be “punished” for it in the future by not being able to have other children. I now have 2 beautiful toddlers and have forgiven myself. You can’t change what has happened – just find a loving way to move on and allow yourself to be human. I’ll be thinking of you……….
Thank you so much for opening up and sharing your story. Your honesty was so touching.
You are a brave and amazing woman for sharing your story and your pain. I read your story with sadness. I too had an abortion. That was now over 2 years ago. I can’t even begin to describe the pain I went through emotionally before I finally made the decision, during and for at least a year + after. I became so depressed afterwards that I often felt like I was in a black hole that was endless. I couldn’t forgive myself. I missed my baby so much. It was easy to judge myself once the fear and terror I’d felt when pregnant had passed to be replaced by a startling emptiness I had never before experienced. I can honestly say I didn’t even start to recover until my pregnancy last year, which sadly ended in miscarriage. I desperately wanted this baby and when I miscarried I was distraught but I couldn’t let myself fall headfirst into deep depression again. Thankfully I became pregnant 3 weeks later and am now 7 months. Abortion scars everyone differently. I feel that my baby’s soul waited for me and came at that time, the ‘wrong’ time, to teach me certain things and to prepare me for his/her eventual arrival. The miscarriage also taught me everything about forgiving myself. By this third pregnancy I feel I finally learned the lessons that this little wise soul needed me to learn.Thanks so much for sharing. You will be in my thoughts.
Hello,I believe your abortion was God’s will and to think it was anything less is to belittle the power of the universe and your chosen journey. Hanging on to your guilt doesn’t change the past. It only helps you feel bad about yourself.If you were meant to carry that baby, you would never have made it to the clinic that day. Or the right person would have come along at exactly the right time, or the machine would not be working, or the aneasthesiologist would have been delayed by car problems, if you get my meaning.Trust that you were guided that way for a reason.When you do have children in the future, that little soul will be back. Have faith. Your experience happened as it was supposed to, it just hasn’t become clear for you yet why.God Bless.
K, feeling sad and guilty is normal, as is feeling pangs of jealousy when you see pregnant women. I had three terminations in my early 20s, and it took me a long time to feel OK about it. Your story is so poignant, and I know how it feels to be evacuated. Pregnancy is a huge physical and emotional event, and when you have a termination or a miscarriage the hormonal crash afterwards is very hard. But as the anonymous commentators above said, you will get your chance. The hurt will fade as your own life grows into the space your baby has left, and when the time comes, you will be a joyous mother, and hold your babies even tighter.
While I don’t want to dismiss your very real grief, I do want to say that while your b/f said he would have supported you and your family said so as well, as a mother of four children, I know that even under the most “ideal” circumstances bringing a child into this world is a huge responsibility, a responsibility that lies almost entirely on the woman choosing to birth that life. When the time is right(er), you will have not just a small voice inside urging you to have the baby, but the opposite will happen: most of yourself will be saying go for it while that small voice will be nagging, “Are you SURE?” The choice to bear and raise children is forever full of this ambivalence that most mothers live with every day. This site shows graphically what women sacrifice in their own bodies to bear children, and while that sacrifice is noble it is still a sacrifice. Women lose big parts of themselves when we become mothers while also gaining other big parts as well. How that all balances out is different for each of us, but suffice it to say, we each balance on that tightrope of ambivalence, learning how to hold two very opposing thoughts and feelings at once and move forward with the choices we’ve made.You made your choice, and no one but you can deem it “right” or “wrong” for you. Just know that it’s never that black or white, most hard choices require a mixture…a balance if you will, of both.
allong with this last comment i think there is value to knowing the validity to the fear you had- motherhood really is a HUGE thing…but it is a blessing as well as a sacrafice…anyway,i was struck very deep by your post, for so many reasons, one being that I too had an abortion, a long time ago, and that hurt that i felt in the aftermath stayed with me a very long time…i think it is good to feel this hurt…you are human, and your pain and loss are real…and while only you can deem the decision right or wrong, i must say, it is an important thing to recognize the loss… as well as it is to seek forgiveness…i don’t want to get in to a huge spiritual debate here, but i just have to say, that for me, it was only the grace of God that led me through my healing… for many wrong choices i have made, but especially this one…our choices are real…there is cause and effect…things aren’t nessecarily all led by some cosmic force in which we have no means to sway…but if it helps some to believe so i will not argue..i just wanted to say that there is a value to life, to YOUR life, just as much as anyone’s…my story is so similar to yours in how i made my decision out of fear, and came to find that those around me offered love and support despite my fear…i unfortunately knew of their feelings (my parents’ and the baby’s father) beforehand and went ahead with it anyway…and even now, having had 2 beautiful baby girls, i feel that loss, but like one person said, i love them all the more, and hold them all the tighter…because, although i chose this time around to keep them, i know i may have to let them go at some point…some things are in fact in God’s control, and some things may just serve as reminders of how much we really need God’s love and grace in our life…i know God has a love for you beyond words, and if you seek God you will find the peace and joy your heart and soul desperately crave…i wish and pray you all the best…
After a pregnancy has been ended, it’s always easy for the guy involved to say that he would have cared for and provided for the child and the mother. Obviously, K didn’t fully trust him because she didn’t tell him of her pregnancy and didn’t involve him in the process of deciding for or against the baby. She must have had her reasons for that, even though now that she is overwhelmed by feelings of grief and guilt, she seems to not be aware of that. I think it is really unfair of her boyfriend as well as her parents to tell her they would’ve cared and supported her. Because as they are saying this now, it’s pretty obvious that they won’t have to. The truth is, that she would have had to raise that child on her own, at least for the most part of it.
Some times the right choice is also the hard choice.thank you for sharing so honestly.
I too was touched, because I made the same decision. I had an abortion on April 20, 2005, and my daugter was born 10 weeks early on April 20, 2006. Believe me, when I made that connection the day after her birth, I was speechless, as was my husband. We had been given a second chance. Even though our daughter arrived only a year after our abortion, there was no way we would have been able to support a baby and give it the love it deserved at that time. We are in a much different place now.While I haven’t forgotten all of the emotions and physical feelings of those days, I look in my daughter’s face and see that we have been given – if not forgiveness – a second chance.Hang in there. The pain dulls with time.
I am so impressed with your courage to post your story. I thought for sure that there would be at least one comment condeming your choice. I am so proud that there are none. It is so nice to see women supporting each other. I too had an abortion at an early age. It is hard to believe that it has now been 12 years since then. I had many of the same feelings as you after my procedure. I felt awful for a long time and asked God to forgive me more times than I can count. I still sometimes wonder “what if” and feel regret, but the one thing that brings me back to a positive view is the wonderful husband and two beautiful children I have now. I know that I would not have any of them had I not made that earlier choice because my life would have taken a much different turn. So even though I have regret, it is hard to think that it was a mistake because it is impossible to imagine the children I have now not existing. So I have to agree with the person above who said when someone makes a choice like that, it is just what is meant to be. Thank you for being so brave to share your story. (((hugs)))
I agree so much with all of the women who have shared and supportedeach other in this post. I am really impressed. Yes, there is pain and regret, and I don’t believe that the loss everreally disappears. But it was a choice you had and that doesn’t mean that you made a mistake because you ache. Life gives ussome tough decisions.The real problem is that we womenhave to live with the shame andguilt over our sexuality. Any ofus who have had an abortion do notshare so publicly. We are placed in a prison of silence because society marks us as shameful.Thank you for this post. I am stillso surprised to find it here on this site.
I would say abortion is a thread that (as you see from these comments) ties women together as thoroughly as birthing does. It is painful and it is sad for all of us. Grieve, because it should hurt to lose a baby, for whatever reason. Forgive yourself, because you made the best decision you could at the time with the information you had, and that is enough. Abortion is ugly and painful, but when it comes right down to it, I would say that it is sometimes neccessary. No one can decide if it’s neccessary except the woman getting it. The whole issue defies simplification. It is my hope that all of us can let go of the guilt and be comforted.
I am so thrilled to see so many supportive comments for K. I too terminated a pregnancy. I know exactly how K feels about her body. I became so sad when the pregnancy signs faded away and my body returned. I was only 5 weeks at the time! I moved on, barely and got married and then pregnant. We lost our first pregnancy and I was sure I was being punished for my decision. But amazingly 3 weeks later I conceived again and am now a Mama to the most perfect gift I could have ever imagined. But now that I am a Mama, I don’t regret my decision those 7 years ago. I know that any child I would have deserved a stable, nurturing environment. The man which whom I became pregnant with was not stable at the time. Being a parent is hard. I was not in a place where I could have provided the life that a child deserved. Many people would have said to carry the pregnancy and place the child, but I knew in my heart that was not the right choice for me. I will say though, all the guilt and fear did not diminish until I carried my 3rd pregnancy full term. Now I have been able to finally seal that door closed to my past and have nothing but peace for my decision. I firmly believe that God allowed that situation to occur as a wake up call to me. I was drinking heavily and being irresponsible, ignoring every other attempt He was making. He finally brought me to that point and it did wake me up. I stopped drinking heavily, finished out my last semester of college, graduating that May. Stopped getting into unhealthy relationship and became a emotionally healthy individual, one that attracted other healthy individuals. I hope that by sharing my story here, along with numerous others that preceed me, that K will find peace in knowing she is NOT alone, that it will be okay, she will feel whole again. She made the best decision that she could for her child. Allow God to heal you, allow yourself to forgive and rest in peace.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience, K.I had an abortion at nineteen, and spent years sorting out my conflicted feelings about it. I am now the mother of a clever, funny, beautiful two year old girl, and this has healed much of the pain. It has also helped me feel confident that the decision to abort my first pregnancy was the right one for me. Parenting is hard, and I would have been a terrible mother at nineteen. I am so grateful that the option of having an abortion was available to me, and grateful to hear other women discuss their feelings about their abortions. It is such a difficult choice, and not one women make easily.
I feel I must add to this just a bit.I am also surprised to find no one condemning K or anyone else for their decisions, and encouraged by that.I had an abortion at 23. As a feminist, I felt strongly it was my right and did not expect to feel what I did: I felt pregnant. Even though it was very early, my breasts were swollen, I got up in the night to wee, and just generally felt different. In all the stuff I’d read about abortion, no one had thought to mention this (suppose I shld have figured it out for myself, but …).After the abortion, I also went into a depression. Not because I felt guilty about the decision I’d made (I was certain it was the right one for me, and I still feel that way), but because I was changed inside, but no one could see. This big experience (being pregnant, deciding to abort) was invisible.I still haven’t told my family or friends about the abortion — not because I’m ashamed, but now because it just seems private.Now I’m 34, recently married to the man I got pregnant with all those years ago, and facing up to the need to decide whether to have children or not reasonably soon.At various points over the intervening years, I’ve felt a need, just like K, to complete the journey of pregnancy — not an urge for a baby, but an urge to be pregnant.Which seems strange, but maybe isn’t.Thank you for this site, and the stories and the pictures. In a way, they’re part of my research to see if I’m brave enough to be a mother.
It takes a very strong woman to share a story like this. I too had an abortion, in my case, after falling pregnant at the beginning of a relationship with a man who didn’t want children. I’ve gone on to regret this decision no end as I may have missed my chance to become a mother due to cancer.To others who have made similar decisions in the past and are still learning to cope with it, please be careful where you turn to for support. I see someone previously mentioned Rachel’s Vineyard retreats. They’re actually a religious Pro-Life organisation. Although some people find them to be helpful I think an organisation with a less biased view may be able to offer more suitable help.
K, as I read your story I had tears in my eyes. You are so brave to tell your story. I too as with so many other women who have posted have had an abortion. I was 15… I never felt so alone in my life. I told no-one. Only the boy who was the father. In my immature mind I made a decision that I thought would be easy, only to be devistated by the emotional pain I felt afterwards. I was depressed and I loathed myself. But now as an adult I have forgiven myself because I made the best decision for myself that I could at that moment in time. 24 years later I look at my 3 beautiful children, feel the quickening of my newest child in my belly, and I know that things happen in our lives for a reason. I know that each one of my children are both a healing and a blessing. I marvel at how amazing they are. I don’t think I could have done that at 15. I know that in time you will find peace. Love and Light to you K.
K, Thank you for sharing your pain.I have a toddler (am a young single mother) and earler this year I found out I was pregnant again to my new boyfriend. I had a termination instead of continue the pregnancy. In fact, I’d have a newborn right now in my arms if I had continued the pregnancy.In the early days it was really hard. Especially when I was still with my boyfriend and it felt like it was going to last forever. Now, almost 8 months since the abortion, I feel much better about my decision. I know there will be a time, a place, and a partner to share my next child with.You will never forget your little one and no one expects you to. One day you will experience it right through. (And when they get to be toddlers – wish to put them back! hehe)
I had the opposite reaction from my mother in law when I got pregnant.
She was adamant that I should have an abortion. She has had many of her own.
Despite her urgings, I felt very good and happy about having the baby growing inside me.
My husband was supportive.
And we were VERY VERY poor.
I admit I was scared about how we were going to provide for our little one on the way, but it worked out.
We were poor for the first yr and a half of her life. For a while we only had $400 dollars a month to try to live on.
But my family let us live with them for a little bit, and then my husband got a great job that pays $70,000/yr.
The whole time I really felt (not just wishfull thinking) that I was meant to have this child at this time and that things would work out well.
And they did.
We have grown much better as people through having her, and the challenges we faced financially forced us to become responsible in many ways.
Perhaps the reason it worked was that we were willing to step up and take it on.
My point is that no matter what listen to your intuitive gut feelings.
They never lead you wrong.
Even if the circumstances surrounding don’t seem to fit.
And I am very glad that I did trust myself, because we have not been able to get pregnant since. I’ve had quite a few misscairrages, so I’m so glad that I have the beautiful girl I do have.
She brings so much joy (and work!) into our lives, and I wouldn’t give her up for anything.
So sometimes it works out better to follow your own heart even if you don’t have support from the people around you.
The universe provides.
And your grieving will become less over time.
I am in tears over your post. Hits home for me all too well.
I too had an abortion when I was 17 years old (the Father knew and wanted me to have the abortion). I was a senior in high school, my parents told me it was ultimately my choice and they would stand beside me with whichever road I chose.
I am now 36 and I have to say, up until the birth of my Daugther (b. 2004) I felt the same exact way(s) as you. Regrets ran high, and all I wanted to do was have another child.
I went through 2 long, hellish, tear full years of infertility to conceive my Daughter and I am so proud of her and the woman that I have and was forced to become due to the fact that I did have an abortion.
Take it easy on yourself. Let yourself grieve. It may take a long time, it may not. I truly wish you all of my best.
For one day, you will have another child.
Wow. I’m so grateful to you for sharing your feelings honestly and thankful for all the wonderful support on this site.
I stumbled on this site because I support women in all their shapes, thoughts, choices.
I had an abortion 4 years ago at 28 years old. I was a total wreck afterwards and sought counseling. Thank goodness the therapist knew enough to remind me that biologically my body was running high on all kinds of hormones.
It did take a few months to run the course of hormones and find peace within myself.
I have not regretted a single day of that decision. I am a successful, happy, loving, altruistic woman who is about to head off to grad school. All these things – the ME today – wouldn’t have been possible without having the choice to terminate.
I don’t think I want children, but I’m not closing the door on the possibility. I thoroughly commend all the mothers here who chose that path for themselves – it’s an awesome responsibility and I thank you for bringing new, wonderful human beings to the world!
That said, I hope you have found peace for yourself and I’m so happy to see a variety of stories here all supporting each other! And, all from such diverse points of life and view. Hip hip hooray for women!
Reading your story was like some kind of twilight zone event for me–three months after I graduated college, I got pregnant with a guy I had known about that long. I was just getting my feet under me professionally, etc. I found out at Planned Parenthood and wanted to schedule an abortion that day (they wouldn’t let me.) After a month of deliberating, I ended up choosing to parent–NO CHOICE is easy in that situation. And in some ways, I’m jealous of your sameness. I mean, that’s the Universe’s plan for you, and this is the Universe’s plan for me, but…it wasn’t my plan. I LOVE my daughter, but…couldn’t I have had a few more years of freedom? Or a partner who was grown up enough to be supportive? There are pros and cons for everything. I know a lot of people have commented on this, and I don’t know how the site works well, yet (first time here), but I wanted to give a shout out from the grass on the other side of the fence.
talking about it is a good way to help u get through it u are a very brave woman for coming in front of all these people and sharing your story believe it or not it has helped me over come an something that has been bothering me for a couple months now
Your story had me in tears also. I just found out that I am 5 weeks pregnant and I am having to do through this decision making process right now. My heart is breaking but I know what I have to do. I have to do what is best for me and for this child. I also feel the physical effects already, my pants are tight, my stomach swollen and my breasts are sensitive. My body is doing what it’s always longed to do and I’m about to take that all away. I love this baby too much to bring it into a world where I can’t give it eveything it needs.
Thank you so much for your story and for everyones comments, it means so much to me. This has been the toughest time of my life and just reading your comments makes me feel far less alone.
I read your story today. I know it has been a while since you posted it, but I just wanted to try to encourage you. I have made decisions in my life that I have latter regreted and the hardest thing was forgiving myself. People around me forgave me, I knew God had forgiven me, but I could not forgive myself. I agree with the other woman that counseling is good, even if it is just to get your feelings out there. Romans 8 says that nothing can separate us from the love God. So please dont ever feel like you have committed the ultimate sin. God loves you and forgives you!
Take care and God Bless!
Thank you so much for having the courage to share your story! I also had an unplanned pregnancy and I know the agony it is to have to make that decision. Please don’t be so hard on yourself!
And thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who has commented and been so supportive! I have been a pro-choice activist for years and far too often I see women attacked and denigrated for making the choice that was best for them at the time, and I fully expected to see it here. The fact that everyone has been so loving and understanding and non-judgmental is amazing to me and makes me want to cry with happiness. Thank you for being able to honor her story.
I had an abortion too, but I did it in a different order. I was a young mother and that changes you in ways no one can fathom unless they’ve done it themselves. It’s harder to be a young mother than it is to be just about anyone else in this world. Your family might tell you they’d support you, and they might have. Or they might have held you down in ways you can’t imagine. You see, young mothers don’t recieve the same treatment as older ones. When a 30 year old mom gets overwhelmed, she’s told she needs a break. When a young mom gets overwhelmed, she’s told she should’ve thought of that before she had the baby.
My son was four when I became pregnant again. Knowing what it takes to parent one child, I was aware of what it would take to parent more. I had an abortion and it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. It allowed me to clear out the toxins that had invaded my life, and right now we’re both (my son and I) doing better than we ever have been.
You feel horrible right now, but you’ll have children when you’re ready for them. Go finish school.
It’s okay…. That’s all… it will pass and one day you will realize that… “It’s okay.” Its a long road to that epiphany… but I promise the end result.
There is a beautiful birth story in Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth wherein a mother who also had remorse over an abortion later gave birth to a daughter who told her mother that she was the same child. It sounds strange when the story is condensed like this but it is a very beautiful and spiritual true story that might give you some comfort.
I should have a one year old today, but I terminated his life at 19 weeks in utero. I haven’t stopped crying. I never ever thought I’d have an abortion. Certainly not a second trimester abortion. But I have one son who has special needs and my second son was diagnosed via amnio to have a chromosomal abnormality. I loved my baby. He had a name. But my family didn’t want me to have him. And my husband wasn’t supportive. And the doctors said I should think of my one son already. So I killed him. It was a two day process. A man tried to kill me outside the clinic. I was hoping that someone would succeed in killing me. I’m not religious, but when I walked into that room to end my baby’s life I really was struck by the idea that I was going to burn in hell. If it weren’t for my first son, I might have committed suicide after. I remember when they broke my water. In my delirium, I thought I was giving birth and I’d get to meet my baby soon. The next thing I remember was them suctioning out my uterus. The nurses told me they had to count the little baby body pieces to make sure they got him all out. I had arranged with a funeral home to have his ashes cremated so his little body pieces wouldn’t end up in a medical waste facility. I had to sign those papers when I was still pregnant. I’m bawling as I write this. I don’t think the pain will ever lessen. I’ve taken anti-anxiety/depression medication for over a year now. I have seen a family counselor and a psychiatrist, but still I feel like I grieve alone. Some of my friends abandoned me. Others have said things like, “I just didn’t know what to say…. How far along were you anyway?” Honestly, I would choose to be brutally raped than go through what I did. Now my husband and I are in our forties and it’s too late to try again. I can’t believe I’m never going to hold another baby of my own in my arms again. My husband and I don’t have sex anymore. My uterus seems like a little death chamber. I was supposed to protect my baby and instead I killed him. I know some people will think I’m being too hard on myself, whatever. I just want to be able to say really what I am feeling. Every day I have to smile and fake it. At least my one son is doing very well and is happy and loved. I hate that I took away his chance to have a brother. I hope he never learns what I did. But I guess he will. It’s really horrible that as women we carry this shame. Certainly none of the people around me, even my husband, feel an ounce of what I do. If I could have counted on their support, I would have had my baby. Stuck. The biggest issue for me, though, was that my son would most likely outlive me. I would have loved him and fought for him as long as I was able, but what would happend to him after I was gone? I’m not quite sure what’s going to happen with my first son. Thanks if you have read this far down. I’m hoping that writing all this will prove cathartic in some way.
This is a conversation I needed so much to read. Thank-you so much to everyone who posted on this. I am a blubbering mess – but it is a good, healthy cry and I needed it.
It is such a breath of fresh air to read that I am not alone. I took the abortion pill when I was 19. I remember even as I was swallowing the pill I was apologizing to my fetus. I am now 25, married to a different man and mother to a beautiful 5 month old son. I don’t know any of you who have posted, but I feel so close to you all, because you all know just what I was going through when I was pregnant the first time. I was terrified, and I just wanted the whole situation to go away. I just wanted to erase it. After I had the abortion I found that the pregnancy was over, but it had not been erased. I have never been the same. It has left a pretty big scar on me. The guilt and the shame are still with me, and I struggle sometimes, but the pain does fade.
Trust that someday, when the time is right, you will be a wonderful mother. Your past does not own your future. Guilt will only eat at you, and it will not change anything! God bless each and every one of you brave souls who have posted on this!