Always Insecure (Ashlin)

I’m not sure how to begin this, I have started an entry only to delete it I don’t know how many times out of fear… So I guess I’ll start by saying Hi :) My name is Ashlin, I am 21 years old. I spent most of my teen years taking care of my mom and little sister. My mom has had MS since I was born. When I was 14 her doctors put her through chemo treatments hoping it would slow the progression of MS. It did the opposite, she went downhill so fast. It killed me to watch my best friend lying there with her legs curled up to her chest, not even able to remember my name, and having the doctors tell me they didn’t think she’d “last very long.” I’m shaking just typing this, it still infuriates me. Anyways that was a very dark time in my life. I started self harm, eating disorders and isolating myself from everyone close to me. Everyone was telling me the one person who was always there, always loved me was going to either never be who she used to be or was just going to die. I didn’t want to be alive anymore. That’s when I met my husband, he helped me stop harming myself and supported me through the eating disorders. Shortly after, my mom started to slowly recover. When I found out I was pregnant at 16 all I could think was how I was going to tell her. How could I do this to her? I was scared it would crush her. I had so much guilt and anger and sadness built up inside. I waited as long as I could to tell her, when I did she cried a little but as always she supported me, through the whole pregnancy, and delivery, she was there, I named my daughter after her…Somehow I never realized just how much influence my mom has had on my life until writing this.. Anyways 2 years later we found out we were pregnant with baby number two. We thought were going to have another little girl whose name was going to be Hope, but in the delivery room “she” ended up being a he. Best surprise ever. :) Before My pregnancies I weighed 135lbs, After my second pregnancy I weighed 161lbs. I was happy with everything except my body. My husband loved it, but I had SO many stretch marks and so much saggy skin and no boobs… I couldn’t bare to look at myself. When my son was a year old I decided to do something about it so I worked my butt off and lost 40 lbs. I can still only see the old me in the mirror, I don’t see any differences most of the time. Although some days I feel better about myself than other days. I know the most important thing is my beautiful healthy babies, and if the most perfect little people in the world think I’m beautiful then that’s all that matters. :) The first picture is my momma and my son, The second is me a year PP, the third picture is just showing how deep my marks are, the fourth picture is my now the fifth is my beautiful babies :) My babies are 1 and 2