Come to Accept the New Me (Anonymous)

I was just 18 when I got unplanned pregnant with my first child. At the beginning of pregnancy I was a tiny 110lbs six pack belly girl, but by the end I was round everywhere at 175lbs.

I used cream because of my fear of stretch marks but it turned out I had an alergic reaction to the cream that made me wake up scratching my belly and it being fire red. Needless to say by the end of the pregnancy my belly was one giant fireball of stretch marks.

My legs also ended up with plenty of stretch marks due the swelling in the legs, funny thing is I never thought I would have to worry about my legs.

I nearly had any breast at the beginning of pregnancy with my a cup that nearly was filled in, by the end of pregnancy I had a c cup. Also much bigger and big red nasty stretch marks around my boobs. Now 8 years later the stretch marks on my boobs are still red.

Birth was no joke either. I was 41 weeks pregnant when I got induced, after 32 long ours I finally was able to push.

After 4 hours of pushing the doctors said I needed a emergency c-section but the doctor who was on call for that was an hour away. So I had to sit there on pain and fear for an hour till they put me on the operation table.

Once they started to cut I was freaking out yelling at them “I can feel it I can feel it” so they had to put me to sleep.

(Looking back I’m sure I didn’t feel anything, but during that moment it sure felt that way in my mind)

My baby girl was 2 hours old before I woke the first time and can somewhat remember it. I didn’t get to hear her first cry, hold her first or give her a kiss before so many others did.
Mather fact I was still so drugged up I have a hard time remembering holding her for the first time.

As that wasn’t enough I lost so much blood during the c-section that my body went into shock a day later and I needed a blood transfusion.

All of that lead to a very distant relationship to my daughter, it’s sad but true that I didn’t start building a relationship with her until she was 4. She is 8 now and we still have to work on our relationship ship. It saddens me that it’s so obvious that there was a big cap between us and that it left invisible scares for the both of us.

After I had her I didn’t ever wanted any kids anymore. I hated the idea of labor.
And my body was so ugly to me. I was a size 3 before I had her and a 13 after I had her. I was so depressed I didn’t loose any wight at all.

When she turned 3 me and her dad split up. He went to Korea for the army and I stayed back with a child I couldn’t even connect with, one day I had a brake down and I send her to my parents.

Looking back that’s the best thing I could have done for the both of us.
In that time I did stupid things but I also started to find myself. I learned that I can love myself again, I started to be more active and the weight went down.
I myself joined the army and became for the first time in my life independent.
I was able to take care of my child again, and so I did :)

7 years after I had her I married my husband and we had another daughter, and now we are expecting another one.
Yes I have issues with my wight but it’s not as bad as it used to be. It doesn’t stop me from loving myself like it it did before.
I have a new body but I am also a new person, I am a mom and I love everything that I brings with it. Including my body and mind!

Love yourself more one day at a time :)

Included a picture of my now pregnant belly with all the marks.