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When is Enough Enough? (Kasey)

Hello, my name is Kasey and I am 42 years old. I have one precious daughter from my first marriage in her very early 20’s. I am seeking some impartial, independent and heartfelt advice because I find myself in a place of confusion and heartache. I got remarried 18 months ago to the love of my life who is 5 years younger than me. It feels like I have spent the last 2 years of my life trapped in a web of grief, trauma, longing and fear. It started when I fell pregnant to my now husband naturally and most unexpectedly 5 months before my 40th birthday. I was devastated to hear no heartbeat at my 10 week scan which I attended alone. A missed miscarriage. My dear friend had her first IVF embryo implanted the day after I learnt of my sad news. I could barely be around her for months afterward because I felt so envious that it almost destroyed our friendship and she could not empathize with how I was feeling. After 6 months of intensive counseling, I was advised to start IVF immediately due to my age and irregular cycles. I did my first IVF cycle in June 2012. I only had 2 follicles grow after intense hormone therapy and the day of the egg retrieval revealed there were no egg in either follicle….another little piece of me died that day. Fast forward to November 2012 and I am ready to start my 2nd IVF cycle however I am now advised that I cannot because my blood work revealed my Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) is too high and I will likely be a very poor responder. I was advised to take a break, focus on my upcoming wedding and perhaps try again in the new year.

Fast forward to June 2013 and I have a new fertility specialist. During this 6 month break, my husband and I convince ourselves that our chances of having a baby with my eggs is virtually nil and the grief and trauma of the previous year weighs heavily on me. We make a life changing decision to go the donor egg route. It is a long process with intense counseling sessions for all parties involved and a cooling off period of 3 months to protect the donor if she changes her mind. Throughout this process, I am advised to keep trying IVF to see if I produce any eggs. After 4 back-to-back cycles of stimulation, all of which were cancelled part way through due to inadequate or abnormally high hormone levels, I was still eggless, suffered a large cyst and 12 days of severe dysfunctional uterine bleeding which required me to be hospitalized. I was exhausted and all my hope had vanished by this stage. Here is the thing….and please find it within yourself not to judge me and if you feel you are not capable of this, I respectfully ask you to refrain from commenting…my donor is my daughter from my first marriage. She produced 15 beautiful eggs and every single one of them fertilized and were frozen on Day 3. At the end of 2013, four weeks after my brief hospital stay, I was implanted with one perfect embryo that had been grown to a day 5 blastocyst. I truly believed that a miracle would occur and that god had answered my constant prayers. Words cannot describe the selflessness and generosity of what my daughter had endured and gone through for us. Two weeks later the joy we felt from a positive pregnancy test was indescribable…it felt like the grief of the past 2 years just glided off my shoulders.

Over the next 4 weeks, I endured bi-weekly blood tests and a rising sense of dread and debilitating fear that something was wrong because the pregnancy hormone HCG was rising slowly and not doubling as it should. I was finally diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy in one of my tubes. Ironically, the same dear friend I mentioned above was pregnant with her 2nd baby…we would have been due a week apart. Needless to say I was absolutely crushed at my news. I felt like I had been betrayed by god and to this day I have not been able to pray, my faith just disappeared in my grief and pain. It has taken me 6 months to recover both physically and emotionally. During this period I asked for space to grieve and heal from my dear friend because I could not face the reality of her pregnancy and my loss once again. She ended our 10 year friendship over the telephone.

Two weeks ago I started estrogen hormone therapy again to prepare my uterus for another embryo implantation. After 11 days of treatment, 4 of which were spent with dysfunctional uterine bleeding again, the cycle was cancelled due to my progesterone being abnormally high. I was told to cease the oral estrogen and wait until the beginning of my next cycle upon which I will have blood tests on day 2 to see if my hormones are baseline before starting anything. Just another disappointment to endure.

Today I wanted to freely express my story and how I am feeling to anybody who is willing to offer any advice or thoughts for me because I am tired of burdening my family and friends with my grief. I am so full of fear. I don’t know if I should even try again? Perhaps I am being punished…maybe I will never carry another baby to full term. I am terrified of another failure. Perhaps god has a different plan for me, no matter how much I long for a baby it may never happen. Not sure how to accept that possibility. Thank you for reading.

in Child Loss, Infertility, Mom over 30, No Photos (Story Only), Submissions

8 comments… add one

  • Senga Friday, August 15, 2014, 10:46 am

    My heart goes out to you. Your daughter gave you a wonderful gift. I hope a baby is part of God’s plan for you. If not, I pray that you will find acceptance.

  • Shannon Friday, August 15, 2014, 11:45 am

    This makes me so very sad. We never know why things happen: and I am not a fan of the saying “everything happens for a reason”. Do I believe in God? Yes. Do I believe in Heaven? Yes. I truly believe you have 2 babies waiting up their for their Mommy. I lost a child when I was almost 22 years old: he was 19 months old. He was born with a very rare syndrome. I had no idea he was sick until the day he was born. Although he was a happy baby, and such a blessing (and i would do it all over again!!), I watched my perfect baby suffer for 19 months. “Everything happens for a reason” just is bull to me. I think some things just happen, and we don’t know why. These things make us who we are. Maybe you will never have another baby, and maybe you will. Only time will tell. I think if this is going to cause you more pain, maybe you should stop. Then again, if you stop, you will always wonder “what if?”. So I can’t tell you what to do. The only thing I can tell you from experience is this: Even though it is hard to see your close friend pregnant (again), you need to try and be happy for her. Is it hard? Absolutely. I gave birth to my son (Connor) just months before my sister-in-law had her baby. I will never forget the call…”Evelyn was born, she is perfect and healthy”. I got this call as I was watching my Connor sleep with his feeding tube, monitors, and trach to breathe. It was hard. But with that said, I would never want another baby to suffer. I am sure you would never want your friend to go through what you are going through. I am sure she is sad for you, but she cannot understand what you are going through…just like nobody could understand losing a child like I did if they have never lost a child (I have also had a miscarriage, at 7 weeks). You need all the support you can get. Try to talk to your friend.

    I wish you all the best. There is a site called compassionate friends. They have a chat room for pregnancy loss…I suggest going on there and chatting with other mommies that understand your pain.

    Love,
    Shannon

  • MaryLee Friday, August 15, 2014, 6:40 pm

    You wrote: “I am so full of fear. I don’t know if I should even try again? Perhaps I am being punished…maybe I will never carry another baby to full term. I am terrified of another failure. Perhaps god has a different plan for me, no matter how much I long for a baby it may never happen. Not sure how to accept that possibility.”

    I would advise you to listen to your own heart. As a nurse I’ve always told mothers to listen to the voice within and be true to themselves. The only person that has the answers to your questions is you. Is there a possibility that you will experience more pain? Yes, but there is also the possibility that you will experience immense joy. Only you know the path that you should follow. I will pray that you find peace in whatever you decide.

  • Faith Friday, August 15, 2014, 9:58 pm

    How beautiful Shannon, thank you for sharing. Kasey I too am sadden that your efforts have not been successful. You are very fortunate that you have your daughter. I can say that it takes more than biology to be a great mother. There are many babies out there who would love to have you as their mom. I was thankful someone did this for me as a child– please keep you heart open. :)

  • Carol Wednesday, August 27, 2014, 8:45 am

    Hi darling, what a great chance you have to heal because you have sent yourself truthfully, out to find somthing to hopefully bring about change. Gosh I hope you can let go of some, very normal, but distructive behaviours. Life and people around us can really separate ourselves from what is loving and what is ego at its best. It’s very hard to stay on top of our ego if we don’t, you will preform one great adult tantrum. Which at this stage does nothing but burden family and friends. And have you forgetting who you are. I hope you don’t continue to pick at and push you body to preform. What an unloveing thing to do to your self. I wish for you to see your relationship as complete and whole now and not just if you have the stero tipical picture, husband, wife, children, dog, house white Pickett fence. A baby should come into this world free to visit as long as it’s wills strength, and not with the job of making you happy or complete, or healthy or god loving, not even an adult should have to fill that job. Love without expectations. God has given momentum to all particles and we have what we have it has begun and everything will now continue to change and evolve. You are not being punished and your not a failure. You are first, spirit second human not the other way around. Get that balance right and negative human traits will not spoil who you are. Think to the beautiful, now souls who have graced this earth and gave us some beautiful examples on how to live and you will connect with the positive energy that flowed to them that will flow to you too. Movement, physical lightness, growth, change, new Vs. stagnant, physical heaviness, stuck, old, incomplete.
    Gosh I hope I haven’t add to your frustration. That was the spirit in me tacking up your time or
    Get full bloods checked, take supplements need. Lower your stress with yoga. With age comes in balance of liver function research how to improve that with diet. Take happy pills ( serotonin ) if your doctor gives you a depression test. And exercise because babies in your 40s is fucking exhausting I’m exhausted darling. Xxx and hugs.

  • Steph Wednesday, September 3, 2014, 9:37 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with the other commenters, listen to your heart, you know the answers deep within you. If you are unable to have the baby you so very much want to bring into this world, please know that it is not your fault, and it is not a punishment. As hard it is to face, everything doesn’t happen for a reason, sometimes bad things happen to good people for no real reason… due to biology, road conditions, a freak chance. But if you are unable to have another baby, you can still make meaning out of what’s happened and find purpose in your life.

  • Kasey Sunday, September 7, 2014, 9:49 pm

    Hi Ladies,

    Sorry it has taken me a while to respond, I was not sure if my story was going to get posted!

    Thank you all for sharing and for your truth and advice.

    Shannon – thank you for sharing your heart especially, you have suffered some huge sadness and loss in your life and it is so brave of you to share that with a stranger.

    The underlying advice from all you lovely ladies is that I should follow my own heart because deep down inside I know what I want and that bad things happen to good people i.e. everything doesn’t happen for a reason…sometimes things just happen. That has been some good advice for me to hear.

    Well I have followed my own heart, I was not ready to give up just yet, so I found my courage again (didn’t know I had any left to be honest) and am currently in the 2WW after having an embryo transfer last week. Fingers crossed I will be able to experience the joy of a healthy, full term pregnancy. Instead of praying to God for a miracle this time, I have just said “your in control, not me and what will be, will be”.

    I have not spoken to my friend for 9 months now. She delivered her healthy baby 2 weeks ago. I wish her no harm or ill-will but I truly believe that things have worked out for the best. I would never be able to trust her again, what she did to me broke my heart. Some things are best just left alone.

    I’m slowly accepting that whatever happens, I need to stop punishing and blaming myself for something that is not and never was in my control. Most of the time easier said than done of course but I am trying.

    Thank you again for taking the time to read my story and for your support.

    xo

  • Dr autumn tsan Saturday, December 6, 2014, 10:48 am

    I know how it feels to have envy of pregnancy. I miscarried last year, and a few of my friends were like “well, if it makes you feel better, we wanted you to be the first to know that we are pregnant”. I could’ve run them over with a car. No it does not make me feel better, assholes! It’s really hard to keep going through the ivf. But perhaps, if you can afford it, look into surrogacy. In indIA and thailand, the rates are cheap and the red tape is easy. You can help yourself AND Hhelp a woman’s family in india! During one gestation, they will make close to 9,000usd. That is a fortune for them.

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