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Ugly is irrelevant (Alicia)

March 23, 2010

Age: 21
Pregnancies: 1
Births: 1
Children: One beautiful girl that will be three April 13th 2010.

About two years ago, when I would step out of the shower and see my naked body standing there I would cringe. I would try to get out of there as fast as I could so I wouldn’t have to look at myself standing there… Naked… Overweight… Repulsive. I hated my body. I hated myself. I had gotten pregnant by a man that controlled and emotionally abused me and my dream to further my education and make something of myself seemed long gone. I felt like a stranger had taken up my body and I was living a life I never wanted and that no one would ask for. I am not sure what kept me in it for two years but I am glad I had my moment of clarity. Oh-so glad.

I can now look at myself naked in the mirror and not cringe. I no longer hate myself as fiercely as I used to, though my self-image is still evolving and constantly is a work in progress. I lost twenty pounds and got back to my pre-pregnancy, plus size 14 by talking daily walks with my daughter in her stroller, breastfeeding my child for a year, kicking out my good-for-nothing ex, and eating healthier. I may not be skinny, and yes I do want to possibly lose more weight but I feel more myself now. I have the stretch marks… I have them on my breasts, arms, butt, belly, pubic area, hips… I have taken them in as part of myself. They are mine, no one else’s.

I started reading feminist poetry and listened to some Margaret Cho stand-up and realized how brainwashed I was, that we all are as a society, into thinking a certain size is beautiful… That you had to fit some kind of criteria to be thought of as beautiful in today’s society. Beauty has so many facets and variations. The views on beauty have changed so many times since the dawn of man. Why should we become slaves of something that only changes… Something that is totally objective and pure opinion?

I have recovered my sense of self. I just graduated college December of 09 with an associate’s in dental assisting. I do not plan for that to be my last trip back to school. I want to set an example for my daughter and any future children I may have… and I just love learning. The self-loathing is mostly gone, though I do carry some residue of it. Most of stretch marks have faded, my breasts are not nearly as perky as they once were, I have gained back a few of the pounds that I had lost, I have gone through another painful break-up with my most recent ex, I have reconnected with a man I went to high school with and I have known for years. I am falling for him and I am still to this day not used to his kindness and support… I am at a happy point at my life. I have so much love to give.

I love my daughter, and now I will try my damnedest to love me. Pinky swear to myself.

Pictures: Belly ones are from today, pregnancy pics of the day I was induced, Picture of my daughter and I this past Christmas, and two “glamor” shots. lol

Quotes I absolutely love from Margaret Cho:

“Ugly. Is irrelevant. It is an immeasurable insult to a woman, and then supposedly the worst crime you can commit as a woman. But ugly, as beautiful, is an illusion. A matter of taste, a whim, an eye, a beholder, an opinion, a spin, light crossing the frame, paint, projection. The moment. Context.”

“I’m not going to die because I failed as someone else. I’m going to succeed as myself.”

“Just because you are blind, and unable to see my beauty doesn’t mean it does not exist.”

“I think everyone should go on my diet. It’s called the Fuck It Diet. Basically what it is is if I want to eat something but it has a lot of fat or carbs, I just take a moment, and I go within, and I say “Fuck it” and I eat it. You have to do it six times a day. It works really well with the Fuck That Shit Exercise Program.”

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5 Responses to “Ugly is irrelevant (Alicia)”

  1. tanya Says:
    March 23rd, 2010 at 10:50 am

    wow you are a sexy woman thats forsure! and i love yur attitude! :D

  2. Anonymous Says:
    March 23rd, 2010 at 11:58 am

    OMG, the way you described yourself I was ready to see an overweight woman but once I scrolled down, hello..you are far from it. You are so beautiful! Seriously, you look great! My daughter just turned 3 so she is around the same age as your little one, funny how they become little divas..huh? They have an opinion about everything, but your daughter is adorable and you are really pretty. I too am 3 years post partum and have the stretch marks on my tummy, they are fading though so its just time. I started using bio oil a month ago and noticed a significant difference on them..I submitted my second entry titled : 2 1/2 years postpartum and still can’t come to terms: Update with bio oil” but am waiting for Bonnie to approve it and post it. Anyways, I love your attitude and congrats on your degree!

  3. monika Says:
    March 23rd, 2010 at 2:36 pm

    hi!
    i was looking at your photos and by the last one I though you have a really beautifull face! not by the first one, where u still look as a girl, and not by the 3 one, where you are so skinny, but by the last one. I don’t know why.
    and I looked at all the photos again and thought the same…
    take care

  4. Holly Says:
    March 24th, 2010 at 8:31 am

    I love your attitude! Good for you for getting away from your abuser! I let mine dictate my opinion of myself for too long as well. You look beautiful and happy!

  5. Alicia Says:
    March 25th, 2010 at 7:22 pm

    Thank you guys for all the nice words! :] And none of the pictures are pre-pregnancy. The first two are from a few months ago.

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