Children: One beautiful girl that will be three April 13th 2010.
About two years ago, when I would step out of the shower and see my naked body standing there I would cringe. I would try to get out of there as fast as I could so I wouldn’t have to look at myself standing there… Naked… Overweight… Repulsive. I hated my body. I hated myself. I had gotten pregnant by a man that controlled and emotionally abused me and my dream to further my education and make something of myself seemed long gone. I felt like a stranger had taken up my body and I was living a life I never wanted and that no one would ask for. I am not sure what kept me in it for two years but I am glad I had my moment of clarity. Oh-so glad.
I can now look at myself naked in the mirror and not cringe. I no longer hate myself as fiercely as I used to, though my self-image is still evolving and constantly is a work in progress. I lost twenty pounds and got back to my pre-pregnancy, plus size 14 by talking daily walks with my daughter in her stroller, breastfeeding my child for a year, kicking out my good-for-nothing ex, and eating healthier. I may not be skinny, and yes I do want to possibly lose more weight but I feel more myself now. I have the stretch marks… I have them on my breasts, arms, butt, belly, pubic area, hips… I have taken them in as part of myself. They are mine, no one else’s.
I started reading feminist poetry and listened to some Margaret Cho stand-up and realized how brainwashed I was, that we all are as a society, into thinking a certain size is beautiful… That you had to fit some kind of criteria to be thought of as beautiful in today’s society. Beauty has so many facets and variations. The views on beauty have changed so many times since the dawn of man. Why should we become slaves of something that only changes… Something that is totally objective and pure opinion?
I have recovered my sense of self. I just graduated college December of 09 with an associate’s in dental assisting. I do not plan for that to be my last trip back to school. I want to set an example for my daughter and any future children I may have… and I just love learning. The self-loathing is mostly gone, though I do carry some residue of it. Most of stretch marks have faded, my breasts are not nearly as perky as they once were, I have gained back a few of the pounds that I had lost, I have gone through another painful break-up with my most recent ex, I have reconnected with a man I went to high school with and I have known for years. I am falling for him and I am still to this day not used to his kindness and support… I am at a happy point at my life. I have so much love to give.
I love my daughter, and now I will try my damnedest to love me. Pinky swear to myself.
Pictures: Belly ones are from today, pregnancy pics of the day I was induced, Picture of my daughter and I this past Christmas, and two “glamor” shots. lol
Quotes I absolutely love from Margaret Cho:
“Ugly. Is irrelevant. It is an immeasurable insult to a woman, and then supposedly the worst crime you can commit as a woman. But ugly, as beautiful, is an illusion. A matter of taste, a whim, an eye, a beholder, an opinion, a spin, light crossing the frame, paint, projection. The moment. Context.”
“I’m not going to die because I failed as someone else. I’m going to succeed as myself.”
“Just because you are blind, and unable to see my beauty doesn’t mean it does not exist.”
“I think everyone should go on my diet. It’s called the Fuck It Diet. Basically what it is is if I want to eat something but it has a lot of fat or carbs, I just take a moment, and I go within, and I say “Fuck it” and I eat it. You have to do it six times a day. It works really well with the Fuck That Shit Exercise Program.”