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Trying to be Patient: With My Body and My Husband (Anonymous)

August 15, 2012

~Age: 27
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies, 2 home births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 4 weeks PP

I am 4 weeks to the day PP with my second pregnancy. And like with my first pregnancy I don’t have much to show for it. During the course of my first pregnancy, I gained 18 pounds (although, when asked I lie and tell people I gained 20). And why for God’s sake is anyone asking what a woman gained during her pregnancy anyway? She gained a baby! Anyways..

I was cognizant of my weight gain, or lack there of. Comments from my friends or strangers pointing out how skinny I was only made me feel worse. I even had a few people tell me that I was going to have a tiny 5 lb baby. I bit my tongue and thought I (we) will prove them wrong. I was determined to gain weight. I wanted to have a home birth and so I knew how important it was to maintain a healthy and low risk pregnancy. I kept a record of what I ate, I ate every few hours, whether I had an appetite or not and I made a goal to eat at least 80 grams of protein a day. In the end, my son was 5 days over and I gave birth (at home) to a beautiful and healthy 8.0 lb 22 inch baby boy.

My second pregnancy was along those similar lines. I gained 25 lbs. I wore my regular clothes until I was 7 months pregnant. No retaining water, no stretch marks, no vaginal tear during delivery, blah blah blah. You are hating my right now. But please let me take this time and space to get this off my chest, because I can’t talk about this with my sister-who gained nearly 90 lbs with my nephew and has stretch marks covering her hips. And I can’t explain my feelings of dismay about my body with my best friend-who just had her first baby and gained 70 lbs and looks like Freddy Kruger tried to claw his way through her stomach.

This is my husband’s first child. At 5 months pregnant, he started to lose interest in sex and by 8 months it was completely gone. For me it was the exact opposite. If I had been a sexual creature before being pregnant, I had become a sexual MONSTER during pregnancy. So when he finally told me he wasn’t comfortable having sex until after the baby was born, I was… sad, mad, disappointed, confused.. etc. He blamed it on my huge belly (which really wasn’t that huge). Finally he admitted that he just wasn’t attracted to me. Ouch.. I tried being empathetic while at the same time I was completely enraged. ‘ I have needs God Damnit! I don’t care if you are not attracted to me!’ But instead I told myself to be patient. And even though I was told by strangers constantly that I was such a cute pregnant woman or that I looked great being 9 months pregnant or getting whistled at (twice) while getting into my car, the only person I wanted to find my attractive didn’t, so none if it really mattered.

I stopped being comfortable being naked around him and would wear my towel from the bathroom to the bedroom. I got dressed standing behind the closet door. I started sleeping in his t-shirt and boxers instead of just my underpants. I had the sense that he was completely repulsed by me. I tried explaining to him how this was affecting me and that I needed to feel desired by him. But my pleas didn’t hold any water. I was worried about how this tension between us would affect our planned home birth. If I am this uncomfortable around him now, would I feel comfortable laboring with him? Would it cause me to have complications during my labor?

And then the day came and we labored together just fine and it was the happiest (along with the day my son was born) day of my life. And for the next few weeks I contentedly set about fulfilling the task of 24/7 care of my daughter. Then last week I stopped bleeding. Hurray! I cautiously talked to my husband about the cessation and opened the discussing with him about when he would feel comfortable having sex again. He didn’t seem so thrilled. But the next day we tried. It was OK. Probably pretty average for the first time you try to have sex after baby. But that was a week ago and even though it’s been two months since we have had sex (except for our first “try” last week) he is showing no interest at all. And my self esteem is plummeting. He blames it on, ‘I am a mother now’ and he sees me in this “motherly light” and our daughter is always nursing and she is in bed with us and blah blah blah.

Just because I am a mother doesn’t mean I handed over my right to being sexy and that I no longer want to be desired by my husband.
So SOAM, here I am 4 weeks PP with my body in great shape for just having had a baby and…. I HATE it! I want my husband to desire me and he doesn’t. Fat or skinny, it does not matter what you look like if the man you are madly in love with has no interest in being intimate with you.

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36 Responses to “Trying to be Patient: With My Body and My Husband (Anonymous)”

  1. DJ Says:
    August 15th, 2012 at 8:51 am

    I really don’t see how your husband isn’t attracted to you. You are very beautiful. He should feel very lucky to have such a beautiful woman that loves him.

  2. Jim Says:
    August 15th, 2012 at 8:54 am

    I am truly sorry your husband does not find you attractive since you got pregnant with his child. I had a similar experience with my ex-gf, I found her extremely attractive and wanted to shower her with attention (and sex) during her pregnancy but she shutdown just like your husband. I do not think you are unattractive, in fact, you are “one hot momma”. If you haven’t already tried this, try wearing sexy lingerie around him (or even trying new positions or something). If that does not work, then sadly he may not be worthy of you any more.

  3. Maria Says:
    August 15th, 2012 at 11:02 am

    You look awesome!!!!

  4. Elizabeth Says:
    August 15th, 2012 at 11:59 am

    You are beautiful and pregnancy did treat you well. I am sorry you are having a hard time, with your husband’s lack of desire; it’s actually very common for men. I think you can either head for some couples counseling, as you are clearly not happy with this situation or simply give it time. Time may heal this and it may not. I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

  5. its me Says:
    August 15th, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    how the hell is that possible??? Your uterus should stillbe big, you gotlucky and your husband is a dope you look AMAZING lady for having not one but 2 kids! women with one kid would kill to look like you1 might be time to find a new guy who wants to live in a loveless and undesired marriage? your young still do it before you get to old, and wow yeah amazing!

  6. amber H Says:
    August 15th, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    you look so amazing – i would guewss you had 1 kid much less 2! im so sorry you feel this way

  7. Mary V Says:
    August 15th, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    Im so sorry you feeling this way… I think the best thing for you to do is love yourself, its hard when your partner is not on the same page, but you need to love yourself and your body. There have been times when my husband has not been interested and its devastating, especially when you are feeling sexy (which is hard for any woman that has had kids, regardless of extra fat or stretch marks). So my secret was taking a pole dancing class, I felt sexy and strong and after a few weeks (without seeing any moves) my husband noticed a change in my confidence and couldnt keep to himself. You are a beautiful woman, let it radiate!

  8. Chelsea Says:
    August 15th, 2012 at 5:13 pm

    Your husband is being an a-hole. Sorry. You are beautiful. And even if you had gained significant weight during both pregnancies and you had stretch marks from neck to toes and your belly was still stretched out and your boobs looked a little strange—even THEN, if he didn’t feel like being intimate with you, he would still be an a-hole.

    This is something you need to seriously talk with him about, because it doesn’t have anything to do with how you look. You look like a freakin supermodel—a super mama model! I cannot stress this enough.

    Your hubby needs a reality check because he’s treating you real crappy, to be honest. And that is unacceptable, in my opinion.

    Don’t feel like you need to keep your towel on all the time if you don’t want to. If you feel like wearing no pants for a week straight, do it. BE NAKED AND FREE! Don’t let him get you down. Be yourself, and if that isn’t enough for him—well, how dare he, and he doesn’t deserve you.

  9. mrspetunia Says:
    August 15th, 2012 at 5:36 pm

    I don’t know why your husband isn’t interested in sex right now. It obviously isn’t your looks, you look phenomenal. He may or may not be behaving like an asshole, it all depends on his motives I guess. Right now I’m six months pregnant and even though I had a healthy sexual appetite before pregnancy, I’m disinterested myself. It just sorta weirds me out to have sex with little one kicking in there. Also I’m just preoccupied with this new phase of my life etc. etc. Maybe your hubby just needs some time to adjust. Perhaps he learned to equate sex with just certain kind of women, not mothers. I admit this is troublesome, but it could be a very real fear/feeling for him. He may even really want to have his sex drive back but just can’t muster it, who knows? I certainly wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that he doesn’t love you, or find you beautiful, or appreciate what you’ve done. However, the problem does need fixed so if it doesn’t resolve in a few weeks/months, it look for a good counselor. Please don’t get down by his apparent rejection. You are beautiful mother and have nothing to feel badly about!

  10. Sara Says:
    August 15th, 2012 at 5:48 pm

    You are beautiful. If you can feel sexy this soon after having a baby then what is your husband’s excuse for not being able to process your multiple roles? He may just need time or he may need some counselling. In the meantime just know that you’re beautiful. We all are! No matter what we look like we all have beauty. Own yours and make no apologies and stop hiding. I know how difficult it is to feel worthwhile when the man you love has no desire. Believe me – I know. But do not allow your self-worth to be predicated on whether or not your husband wants to have sex with you. We’re worth more than judging and punishing ourselves over that. Talk to your husband honestly. Ask him of he just needs time or if HIS issue is something he needs professional help with. Remember it’s his issue. Not yours. Be kind to yourself.

  11. lee Says:
    August 16th, 2012 at 12:48 am

    hes n.u.t.s!!

  12. Adrian Says:
    August 16th, 2012 at 7:10 am

    As others have said, this makes no sense. I don’t have any easy answer but I don’t think you should be dressing down and covering up, because you clearly have nothing to hide. Self-confidence can be a sexy attribute so I’d suggest conveying to him that you’re very comfortable with the way you look. Maybe it will help him to come round to the view that everyone else has!

  13. Kari Says:
    August 16th, 2012 at 7:30 am

    First off you look fantastic and should thank the heavens above for blessing you with ability to have a body like that post pregnancy of TWO children. You are absolutley beautiful.

    Secondly your husband needs a reality check and a wake up call. If my husband constantly refused my advances and would not communicate with me I would start to rethik the vows I spoke before him on my wedding day. You guys are in this together, sickness and in health, thick or thin, stretch marks or no stretch marks. He is entitled to have insecurities and issues but he needs to man up and grow up (which could be his issue).

    You are a beautiful strong mother and you need to tell him straight up how he is making you feel. The power of communication needs to be had. I wish the best for your family and pray your husband becomes the loving husband he vowed to be becuase you and your family deserve it. Never forget your worth as a woman, mother, and wife and never let anyone make you feel otherwise.

  14. Erin Says:
    August 16th, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    I don’t think you should hate your body at all. Like you said, you look freaking amazing. I am so jealous right now! I would be more angry at your husband than at your body. Your body has taken care of two children and has bounced back great. Be grateful of your body.
    Your husband needs to grow up. Maybe talk to a therapist.

  15. Nikki Says:
    August 16th, 2012 at 5:04 pm

    I never comment but you need to know people would just kill for your amazing body- with kids OR without. You are so freakin’ gorgeous, you were built to model bikinis or pretty lingerie. Don’t hate your body.. girl, it’s bangin and it’s all yours!

    I’m flabbergasted that your husband cannot see how amazing you look. You really do. It’s clear as day. This feels like a deeper problem, and I would recommend counseling, for both of you and possibly individual time. His view of you has somehow changed or his standards are nothing short of impossible. I wish I could provide an answer for you, but the answer is definitely not to put up with rejection or hurt feelings because he’s unwilling to meet your needs. He needs to know how deeply it hurts to be rejected by your lover, the person who’s supposed to be there for better or for worse. He needs to be shown that his rejection leaks into other parts of your life, and how you feel about yourself.

    You are hot, hot, HOT! and I hope that things improve for you and your relationship.

  16. Rianon Says:
    August 16th, 2012 at 9:49 pm

    Your story proves that even though a woman has a amazing body after childbirth does not mean that she is happy or feels good about herself. I have a similar story to yours, except my husband would have never admitted that he wasn’t attracted to me, I think he just had sex with me because he would get desperate lol. Two months after I gave birth I had lost all my baby weight, and wanted to start having sex again, but he wasn’t really into it, and then I found porn on his phone. It broke my heart that he would rather watch naked strangers than have sex with his wife, especially since our love life had taken a hiatus during pregnancy. My advice is to talk to him, and even consider marital therapy. Some men have what is called a “madonna/whore” complex where they can’t see a woman as both a nuturing mother, and a sexual woman. Whatever you do, don’t let this take a toll on you. Dress up, do your makeup, remind him that you are a beautiful woman that someone else would definitely want to have sex with ;) Don’t let someone else’s projection of their issues affect your self worth.

  17. pearl Says:
    August 17th, 2012 at 4:11 am

    God,YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! I wish I have had such a great body before getting pregnant :) By the way, me and my husband have the same problems. I am 3 months pregnant with our 2nd baby, he wouldn’t touch me, moved to another room since having the positive test. He says he finds pregnant women repulsive. Same thing happened with the first pregnancy, no intimacy at all, I guess we only had sex for 3 times in the last 3 years, 2 of them were “successful” in the meaning that I got pregnant. He is sorry, he doesn’t really want children, well I don’t know where we will end up.

  18. Kristin Says:
    August 17th, 2012 at 12:25 pm

    Are you kidding me you look amazing your husband must be unhappy with himself because you look great!!!!

  19. Kayla Says:
    August 18th, 2012 at 3:00 am

    Remind him that you ARE a sexy woman too :) You may be a mother, sweetheart, but you still have TONS of sex appeal!

    I think these ladies are right that he is having difficulties thinking of you as both, sexual and mother, probably because you have been so busy being a mother.

    I loved what the one girl said about joining pole dancing (or something sexy) to make you feel sexier and that will totally show in your everyday life. Maybe get a sexy hairstyle or some new lingerie or manicures. Whatever will make you feel sexier!

    You feeling sexier will make you more confident and confidence is hard to resist! :)

    Best of luck sweetheart! And you look amazing! <3 xo

  20. Anna Says:
    August 18th, 2012 at 5:18 am

    Clearly it hasnt got anything to do with how you look, cos i didn’t even look that good pre-kids.

    Something else is going on. How is your life together overall? Is he secretive about things, what is going on in his life?
    Communication is so important and obviously you two need to talk.

    I wish you good luck with everything, but whatever happens, i doubt it has anything to do with you.

  21. Tara Says:
    August 18th, 2012 at 10:21 pm

    Do not worry. This happened with my husband and it will return. I am guessing you two were like best friends. The view of you has changed and co-sleeping really takes the fizzle out of sex. It was kind of like an instinct not to, not out of fear to hurt you but out of worry for all the stresses in life that now burdened him.

    It took about three months after our first to really get back into having sex and fun. First I started playing with just him, and then the next time I would start with him and have him help me then when I thought we were ready for sex I would find fun places to do it in the house while the baby was sleeping and we started off with just quickies. Like on the counter him facing my back, and so forth.

    You have to build the anticipation of what he has been missing. Maybe tease him when ever you can until your ready to take the next step. But you are not alone. And there is always hope.

  22. chante Says:
    August 21st, 2012 at 11:28 pm

    I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I feel like hes cheated on you and is emotionally connected to the other woman. What you have explained sound like a classic reaction.

  23. Alice Says:
    August 24th, 2012 at 8:45 am

    Sweetie, you look gorgeous and I feel sorry for your husband, for missing it. Please take some time and start praying for your marriage. We have no power in changing people, but God does. Even if you don’t have faith, you tried everything…could it really hurt to try praying that God changes your husband or your marriage?

  24. Magen Says:
    September 1st, 2012 at 11:45 am

    You look amazing!!

  25. Celtalitha Says:
    September 14th, 2012 at 2:53 pm

    I just want to reiterate what everyone is saying here; it is NOT you. I had similar issues with my boyfriend during our first pregnancy – he was young and immature, and while we did continue to have sex, he didn’t find me attractive and turned mostly to porn and an ex girlfriend (virtually) instead of me. Two+ years and tons of counselling, tears, and a four-month seperation later, I am now 39 weeks with our second child and this one has been a lot better (albeit not perfect). In my case he has admitted his hangups and insecurities and is working *hard* on them, and his ability to see me as a “whole person” – including a sexual one – despite my motherhood and pregnancy, has improved exponentially, even if it’s not still perfect. I too was a thin, what society considers “cute” and attractive woman both pregnant and afterwards; and like you I couldn’t really tell anyone how insecure I felt for fear of being seen as utterly ridiculous or seeking compliments (what? YOU feel insecure? Are you kidding me??)

    I would really encourage you to take care of yourself first but also to keep an open heart to communicate with your husband about this – counselling wouldn’t be a bad idea either. It sounds like he does love you, but a lot of guys do grow up seeing sex and motherhood as very different categories and have a genuinely hard time combining the two. Be patient, if you feel he deserves it, but don’t ever be down on YOURSELF for it. It isn’t you. It’s him, and the shitty culture that puts sexuality in such an isolated box. Hugs and good luck.

  26. Sarah Says:
    September 20th, 2012 at 10:41 am

    I also had the same reaction from my husband during and after birth. I have always been somewhat reserved in bed and fairly boring one could say.

    When I was 7 months pregnant my body was raging for sex and my husband wouldn’t touch me. I caved in and went to an adult store and came home with something that would do the job. My husband wouldn’t even watch, he had been begging me for years to do that for him and now he would not even stay in the same room when I began to play.

    After birth he was still uninterested, I got back to my pre-pregnancy weight pretty quick and thought I looked good, other males were making comments that supported the way I thought. I confronted my husband about what I was needing and why he didnt want me any longer. I got the same reaction that my body was now for the baby and he wasnt turned on.

    I was sick of my toy and wanted the real thing, so I kind of turned into a freak in hopes he would change his view about me. I started giving him oral which I hadnt done since college and made it appear I loved giving it to him. Things progressed but not into intercourse, I gave into all my reserves and told him I had wanted anal. I never let him do this before as he desperately wanted it.

    He said I was getting kind of slutty but he didnt refuse. Since then he has been fine and sees me as a sexual being as well instead of a mother.

  27. Jess Says:
    October 14th, 2012 at 9:33 am

    wow you look really fantastic. Own that body!! his problems are just that, his. You look so fit and healthy, congratulations

  28. K8 Says:
    October 17th, 2012 at 6:22 pm

    I know it’s not the same, but get a good vibrator. You look awesome, so prance around in some skimpy undies, or depending on what he’s into, If he turns you down then masturbate in front of him! He’s got to be wanting it too, I mean he’s not had any just as long as you, right?

  29. Natalie Says:
    January 10th, 2013 at 2:41 am

    I think you look absolutely amazing and incredible. I hope things are better now. I think your husband is flat out crazy. You don’t even look like you have had a child to me at all!
    Lucky you:))

  30. Marit Says:
    February 23rd, 2013 at 8:39 pm

    How did it end with your husband?? The reason I ask is because I am going through the same thing. I barely gained weight and my husband also refused to have sex with me while I was pregnant…Now my baby is 3 1/2 months old and we had done it only 2 times. In both occasions he had gone out with his friends and came home with a few drinks, which makes me feel like garbage. About 2 days ago he went out with his friends and when he came back I refused bc if he cant be with me without a drink then I rather not do it. I consider myself very pretty I have won numerous pageants and after birth am still a size 4. I cant find away to bring up the topic I tend to bottle my feelings…I dont know what to do anymore…he doesnt help around the house and just critizes me and the house every chance he has.

  31. redghost Says:
    April 22nd, 2013 at 11:33 pm

    I am dealing with this now. While i was pregnant my husband and i never had sex. It was like as soon as we found out it stopped. Now our son is almost 8 months and still nothing. I also didnt gain much weight and slimmed down really fast. I tried everything, but nothing worked. He even started sleeping in the living room and still does. I flat out asked if he was still attracted to me and he never even answered. It really hurts.

  32. Olivia Says:
    May 22nd, 2013 at 5:05 am

    I am not a mother, though I am a step mother… recently it has been brought up that I am at high risk for cervical cancer (I am 24). I have to have another test to varify but my Dr says he is 99 percent sure it is cancer. I called my husband the day I found out I might have it… all that while I was crying because I am only 24, I have no one else here except him (I live 1100 miles from my family, we live close to his) and all of a sudden I felt dirty, gross, unsexy and unclean. I mean I had a form of HPV… the last three days have been rough for me since the results of my biopsy came back and now I have another test. The biposy came back as cancerous but I have to do another test to varify. I really love my husband, I find him so sexy and attractive but at this moment… I feel unsexy, I mean my lady bits are in crisis and I feel so unattractive. He says he understands, that it’s ok that we haven’t had sex in three days… then this morning he yells at me in the car that I haven’t kissed him enough in the last two days, that I haven’t touched him enough or had sex enough. Here I am, 24, a new step mom dealing with all that, my mother has cervical cancer right now, and dealing with potentially having it and I don’t have sex enough. I told him I am having a hard time the last couple of days to which he says “What happens if you lose your cervix? is that it? you’re not sleeping with me anymore? I can’t handle that…” I don’t know what to do… I feel defeated… I just want a moment of quiet, last night… and he gets mad… saying that I don’t care about him… I am trying. I am doing my best. But it’s hard to feel sexy when no one tries to relate.

  33. tom Says:
    November 9th, 2013 at 12:06 am

    I have just stumbled on to this site and it amazes me what you poor women go through emotionally after going through a pregnancy. I have read a few on here and feel so bad for you. However, I have just read the last paragraph of your story and can’t quite understand how it is any man could resist being intimate with a woman who is as sexy as you. Apologies if this is out of place but I had to comment, sorry.

  34. lunarmia Says:
    March 22nd, 2014 at 11:06 am

    Reading your post really infuriated me, mostly because I can completely relate to your situation and I’m dealing with my own assortment of intense feelings about this (anger, disappointment, rejection, frustration etc.) It honestly makes me feel better to see how great you look and knowing that your husband still isn’t interested in you. It really confirms that it’s not about you and is his own childish, unevolved male garbage. Makes me think that perhaps I shouldn’t be taking this situation so personally with my husband either. Not that this would matter so much to many men, but I’m almost six months and have not gained a lot of weight, no stretch marks or anything besides my breasts being massive (wouldn’t most men like that though?!) and he is so clearly not sexually attracted to me anymore. I can lay up against him naked and he has absolutely no response. The last few times we’ve had sex he couldn’t orgasm and lost his erection. I’m ready to give up on it. I couldn’t agree more with what you said about becoming a mom doesn’t mean you handed over your right to be be sexy and feel desired by your husband. At times I feel so upset by it that I also have a hard time imagining him being by my side during labor and the thought has crossed my mind that I would ultimately leave him if this continued well past giving birth. I am curious if you feel this has been resolved after all this time? Has your sex life gone back to normal?

  35. Sarah Says:
    April 3rd, 2014 at 12:38 pm

    I know I’m commenting on a very old thread, but in the event that you, or someone in a similar situation are reading:
    I don’t think the issue is physical. Though you have a beautiful body and genetics have been kind to you:) It shouldn’t matter how you look. Being beautiful doesn’t make his unwillingness to meet your needs more acceptable. It’s hurtful and undeserved by anyone, whether you are heavier, thinner, prettier, uglier, stretch mark riddled or not. I think his issue is mental/emotional. He is labeling and compartmentalizing your identity. Your identity has EXPANDED to include being a mother, yet he has decided your identity is SOLELY being a mother (and this comes with deeply ingrained sexual taboos). I think it would benefit him to go to therapy to figure out WHY he’s so uncomfortable, and seemingly unable to blend your role as a mother with your sexuality. He needs to figure out where these very rigid ideas of a woman’s identity are rooted.

  36. April Says:
    May 26th, 2014 at 7:50 pm

    You are not alone. My husband is the same way and im fearful this will continue after the baby is born also. I have explained in great detail and he says he understands but by his actions he either doesn’t or he doesn’t care. He doesnt understand that I don’t care about the positive comments or affection of those outside of our marriage I truly care about his. I cry in private because I’m angry that he has that kind of hold on me and I don’t think he realizes it.

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