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Trying to accept the unexpected.. Again (Ish)

April 30, 2010

Well I will try and keep this as succinct as possible though I do tend to ramble once I get going.

In January 2009 I found out I was pregnant, unplanned and completely unexpected as I was on the contraceptive pill. I was 20, had been with my boyfriend a year (he already has a gorgeous little girl from a previous relationship, now aged 2 years and 6 months) and I had just been accepted to begin a university course in September 2009. Quite obviously I wasn’t ready to be a mum but at the same time I had always said even though I am one hundred percent pro choice that I don’t think I would ever be able to go ahead with a termination no matter what my situation was. To cut the story short, it turns out you can never say never and I did end up having an abortion at 9 weeks pregnant. I will still never be sure if I made the right decision but I am trying day by day not to dwell on that because there is no point stressing on things that can’t be undone. It took me a while to realise this however and about 6 months after the termination (June 2009ish) me and my boyfriend split up. This was mainly because the shame and the guilt that I felt and was keeping to myself was just constantly on the edge and I was pretty much a mess and a complete bitch to be with. I told him I felt like I was the only one that was hurting from all of this, and he didn’t support me and blahblahblah but really I just wasn’t letting him in and I was too wrapped up in my own pain that I couldn’t see his.

Fast forward to September 2009 and we’re back together, thank god, because I realised what a good thing I was messing up and well, we love each other and that’s really all that seems to matter. Fast forward again to January 2010 and tada! I’m pregnant unexpectedly again (this time on the Depo injection). I cried, I’m sure he cried and we both thought about nothing else for a good 2 weeks straight before deciding that this had happened through all the odds, a second time around, and it must be for a reason.

I am now 22 years old and 24 weeks pregnant with the most lively little boy growing inside me and I am absolutely terrified but so excited to meet him. My relationship with my boyfriend is the best it has ever been but I do find myself at least (!!!) once daily irrationally imagining that he is going to up and leave me as soon as the tiniest flea sized stretch mark appears on me. I am 5’1, very petite but with 32dd boobs (which are already up to an E cup, nooo!) and I’ve gone from 105lbs to 123lbs, so not a massive amount but being so tiny I just dont know how much my body is going to be able to handle! I have never liked my body, even though I have no reason, but various events (including the termination) have killed my self esteem and I am really really really trying to not stress and to just enjoy being pregnant because so far I am amazed and already completely in love with this little man that I haven’t met yet. This site and all your stories have made me realise that women are fabulous – look at what we do! – and I hope one day I can be half as inspiring to someone as you all have been to me.

Pictures are literally as of today, officially 24 weeks.

~Your Age: 22
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies, 0 births yet!

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8 Responses to “Trying to accept the unexpected.. Again (Ish)”

  1. JUlie Says:
    April 30th, 2010 at 10:13 am

    awww, your so little and cute, Don’t worry I gained 54 pounds and got stretch marks on my hips, legs, butt, and lower belly, I ate right and worked out everyday, I also used the palmer for stretch marks through my whole pregnancy. I was obsessed with how big I was getting and how fat I was but honestly now that i’m not pregnant I feel like I missed out because all I was worried about was how I looked. I have a beauiful three month old and I have lost 48 pounds through exercising, and used PURE 100% vitamine E oil that I got at an earth store… All I’m saying it love your baby enjoy all the time with him inside it is a feeling you can never get back (unless prego) Just eat right and work out and you will be able to bounce back very quickly if you do gain more weight… Which you will, mostly in the last two months…. ENJOY your baby boy

  2. Bryana Says:
    April 30th, 2010 at 10:49 am

    I am tiny like you. I am 4’11″ and 22 years old.
    I have 2 children. I had my son when I was 18, and my daughter when I was 21. I started my first pregnancy at 125 lbs and gained about 60 lbs during pregnancy, so obviously I had stretch marks from head to toe. They faded nicely and I accepted them as they were. When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter I was 100 lbs and gained about 30 lbs with her. I had gotten no new stretch marks, just the old ones came alive again. My boobs tho, surprisingly, did not get any stretch marks. ( 36D )
    My husband *loves* my body now! He was there from the before to now, the after. Although it may have been *flawless* before pregnancy it now shows what the power of a womans body can do.
    It’s a beautiful thing, love yourself and your body!
    I’m on here some where, search “Bryana”, you’ll find me :)

  3. Krystal Says:
    April 30th, 2010 at 3:49 pm

    You wont regret having this baby, trust me. I know how it is too because I also had an abortion Oct. 5th 2006 when I was 18. I was 8 weeks 5 days along when I had it done and I will never be sure I made the right choice either, but I was so young and not ready at all. I now have a 19 month old and so greatful for him! You’ll get through it all but it’s not easy alone. You look great btw. Take care.

  4. Annie Says:
    May 1st, 2010 at 7:21 am

    Please don’t beat yourself up about the abortion any more. You obviously made that decision for a reason. Enjoy the rest of this pregnancy and look forward to the little bundle of joy who will be arriving soon. You mightn’t even get any stretchmarks – your tummy looks perfect at the moment. Wishing you all the best of luck with everything!!

  5. Tabi Says:
    May 2nd, 2010 at 9:00 am

    Carerful….the belly button ring might leave a scar from the stretching, especially if you leave it in for much longer. It’s really really cute, don’t get me wrong, it would just be unfortunate if it scarred you!

  6. Sarah Says:
    May 2nd, 2010 at 11:37 pm

    Perhaps the hormones that are in birth control raise deficiencies you had, making you fertile (as opposed to how they’re supposed to mess up your hormone levels to make you INfertile). After this baby is born, might wanna look into that with your OBGYN. Congrats on your baby!

  7. Ish Says:
    May 8th, 2010 at 3:06 am

    Thanks everyone for your comments, this site is awesome. I know what you mean, these last few weeks I’ve just been trying to not stress on body issues and the termination and just enjoy being pregnant because I would hate after all this is done to just have had these 9 months pass by in a blur of feeling sorry for myself when actually I should be soooo greatful! Congrats everyone on your bubbies and thanks for all the advice x :)

  8. Jensy Says:
    May 10th, 2010 at 8:18 am

    I just wanted to throw out there, they make a long flexible “pregnancy” belly ring..not sure where you get it but I saw it on “16 and pregnant”, one of the little girls on there got it so your piercing doesnt tear or get to messed up.

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