The Shape of a Mother The Shape of a Mother The Shape of a Mother The Shape of a Mother The Shape of a Mother

« | Home | »

Struggling for Acceptance (Anonymous)

August 3, 2009

I’m 24 years old and I’m a mother to a 2 1/2 year old daughter and a 10 month old son. I got pregnant when I was 21 though it really wasn’t in my plans at that time. I was not married when I found out, but my BF and I did what we thought was right and married when I was 14 weeks pregnant. I started out my pregnancy at 130 lbs. It was the most I had weighed yet in my life. I always thought I was heavier than I should be for 5’3 and since I was 12 years old I have been dieting. Never able to succeed at weight loss I found myself turning to drastic measures. I toyed with bulimia, anorexia and stimulant drugs to try and lose weight. The lowest I ever was able to get was 114. When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter I was terrified of gaining a lot of weight. I have two older sisters that became obese after pregnancy and both have turned to Gastric Bypass now. I was terrified and I found the website www.babyfit.com. This website taught me so much about healthy and natural weight loss and weight management during pregnancy. I started to exercise faithfully for the first time in my life and watched what I ate. I exercised up until the day I gave birth and only gained 17 lbs. 2 weeks PP I was 7 lbs lighter than I had began pregnancy and by 6 months PP I weighed in at 98 lbs. I did nothing except eat healthy and breastfeed. I was on cloud nine with what I was able to achieve with my body, yet I still didn’t feel good about myself. When I got pregnant with my son my body was starving. I felt like my hunger was uncontrollable and I went on a 3 month binge at the beginning of my pregnancy. I gained 12 lbs in the first 3 months. Very depressed and struggling terribly with the weight gain there were times that I wished for a miscarriage. My bulimia came back 10 fold and I’m lucky to have birthed a healthy baby boy. Though I am back down to 104 lbs, I’m still miserable inside my body. My quest for self-confidence seems never ending and I know it’s because happiness comes from within. I don’t think it will ever matter what the scale says unless I can find a happiness within I will never be content. I’m grateful for this website. It helps me to appreciate what I have.

First Picture: 14 weeks pregnant with first child
Second Picture: 4 Weeks Pregnant with 2nd child
Third Picture: 36 weeks pregnant with 2nd child
Fourth Picture: 10.5 month PP with 2nd child

Post to Twitter Post to Facebook

22 Responses to “Struggling for Acceptance (Anonymous)”

  1. Bridget Says:
    August 3rd, 2009 at 8:55 am

    You’re totally buff!! You look in.credible. You are a very insightful woman and I can tell that you have a lot of strength inside of you. I’m sorry you’ve gone through such a struggle with weight but you should know that you look unbelievable. Seriously! I hope soon you can heal from your pain and love yourself. You are beautiful inside and out.

  2. Christie Says:
    August 3rd, 2009 at 2:38 pm

    You look like an athlete! There is no way I would pick your body as having had one child let alone two! I don’t mean to be offensive in the slightest, and we’re all entitled to our own insecurities, but you may need to speak to a professional about your body image. I can’t see a single flaw. Goodluck on your journey.

  3. nico Says:
    August 3rd, 2009 at 4:00 pm

    your body looks nice but my favourite thing about it is the two beautiful children it has made. and i hope one day that can be yours too!

  4. Fraternaltwinmommy Says:
    August 3rd, 2009 at 5:00 pm

    WOW! You look fabulous!

  5. Joss Says:
    August 3rd, 2009 at 5:31 pm

    god i hate you!!!

    Kidding, you look effin amazing, i hope I look like you after 2 kids~!

  6. stacie Says:
    August 3rd, 2009 at 6:15 pm

    Hey … there is absolutely nothing wrong with you physically from what I can see. You look great!

    But can I offer you some advice? I think your real struggle is more an internal one … if you can master the internal struggle, then the external struggle will take care of itself.

    If I were you, the first thing I would do is throw away your scale. It might seem like a shocking thing to do – but I am certain that it will be a liberating experience for you. Weighing yourself can become an addiction which places you on a never ending spiral. Just throw it away … you don’t need it. You’ll feel freedom without it.

    Secondly, I think a key thing that would help you is to take the focus off of yourself more. I know you have two children so you can’t help but do this anyway. But maybe you should dedicate more of your free time (the time you spend worrying about your physical appearance) to helping other whether through a church or other organization.

    The more you attend to the needs of others the more you’ll see how much of a waste of time it is fretting over your physical appearance.

    I speak from experience – I have taken these two steps and it has really changed things for me.

    We are really our own worst critics – and in the end what is that people are going to remember about us? How we looked in a bikini or shorts … or how we affected the lives of others through kindness, self sacrifice and love?

    No one will remember us for the first thing … but many will remember us for the second.

    Good luck and all the best!

  7. Catherine S Says:
    August 3rd, 2009 at 6:19 pm

    Confidence does not come with a number on a scale, it comes with very real internal changes. I would say you look wonderful, but I think that would just reinforce some of your bad behaviors. Truth is, you will look and be beautiful when you have grown on the inside. I struggled with how I felt about my body for a long time, so I know what you are talking about. At come point, you will say enough and take control. Until then, I hope you are able to teach your children to treat themselves more kindly than you have treated yourself.

  8. Megan Says:
    August 3rd, 2009 at 7:54 pm

    I hate to say this, but worrying about your weight when you’re pregnant instead of your baby is sort of selfish… You could have very well miscarried or given birth to a severely underweight baby.
    But, I appreciate your honesty, and I wish you thought you were beautiful. Life is too short.
    Enjoy your children while you can.
    I’m 160 pounds and I feel beautiful. Your body is such an instrument… it provides life and it provides you with such gifts – why not use it every way you can instead of abusing and neglecting it?
    Love yourself! Gosh… your life is going to fly by before you know it.

  9. Milk Chocolate Midwife Says:
    August 3rd, 2009 at 8:06 pm

    It’s sad how much we struggle wo accept our bodies even after these bodies have accomplished amazing feats (i.e., carry and nourish another human being…HELLO!). I hope your journey towards self-acceptance is a healthy one. As someone said before, you may need to seek professional help for your eating disorders and body image issues. Good luck and best wishes to you and your family.

  10. martha Says:
    August 4th, 2009 at 12:16 am

    This is a really sad commentary on our societal values when someone as lovely as you is caused anguish because you don’t feel “perfect enough.” I too struggled with anorexia/bulemia and have been in counseling. We have to love ourselves for our inner beauty and our accomplishments, not a number on a scale or a dress size. You are a gorgeous mom. Enjoy the fruits of your (literal) labor!!!!

  11. Angèle Says:
    August 4th, 2009 at 2:05 pm

    I agree.. because of all the dieting and worry about your weight, it has become an obsession. I would talk to your doctor about Body Dismorphia. You seriously DO NOT look like you had a child… You are itty bitty and all muscle. Please speak with your doctor.

  12. kim Says:
    August 4th, 2009 at 2:45 pm

    Thanks everyone for your comments…

    I just want to add that I shared my story because I know to many that I have a perfect body, and I just wanted to share my story so that others out there that think they will be happy when they have what I have will realize that I still feel miserable. That happiness is not about physical appearance and though I know this in my heart it’s still hard to get through to my head. I do need some help. I know this.

  13. Bonnie (SOAM) Says:
    August 4th, 2009 at 2:59 pm

    You can do it, mama. We got your back.

  14. Angèle Says:
    August 4th, 2009 at 8:18 pm

    We are here for you! Be strong! Do this for yourself; you deserve it!! You are a beautiful strong woman! Xo

  15. Angie Says:
    August 5th, 2009 at 8:24 am

    Thanks for sharing your story and your honesty. Stop the negative thinking… start saying positive things about yourself and your body everyday. “I look good today”… “My butt looks nice in these jeans”…etc… you’ll start to believe it!! Sounds silly, but it works. I hope you can find happiness.

    Your story proves to me that being skinny and fit doesn’t always = happiness.

  16. Mina Says:
    August 5th, 2009 at 10:16 am

    Kim, thank you for sharing your story and for adding your comment above. Like most women, I have lost and gained weight over the years, and it’s always interesting to me how I’m equally unhappy when I’m thin as when I’m chubbier – so despite the fact that you look perfect to me, I understand what you’re saying. Good luck on your journey to recovery. You can do it.

  17. Mary Says:
    August 5th, 2009 at 11:25 am

    Wow, you are beautiful… you remind me of myself, but before I had my kiddos, even with a slim muscular body I still pinched and covered myself, never thinking I was good enough. I know its hard, but try to love your body today, you never know what changes may be around the corner.
    I hope you can read these comments and feel better about yourself, let the mamas lift your spirits!

  18. Jen Says:
    August 7th, 2009 at 8:15 am

    You keep popping in to my life! Over a year ago I read about you quest while searching for ways to get back in shape. I thought about you only a week ago and wondered how you fared after your second pregnancy. Then I get on this site and there you are! I was also a avid baby fit member.

    You have done a wonderful job on your body and have been a inspiration to me while getting back in shape after my little one. I too am slim and think that everyone looks at us and thinks that life is perfect and we don’t have any issues because we are not overweight. Like a previous post said thin does not equal happy. Everyone has internal issues they struggle with in life and you are smart to realize that working on the outside won’t fix the inside. At the age of 29 I am just starting to be comfortable with myself and my flaws. I struggled for a long time trying to make people love me in all the wrong ways and I have realized that when you love yourself inside and out then you open yourself up to accepting the right kind of love from others.

    Good luck with everything and just know that there are people out there that you don’t even know that are rooting for you!

  19. Tinia Says:
    August 7th, 2009 at 10:24 am

    I think your honesty is fantastic. People really often only accept hearing how heavier people have body images and are stuggling, and then there is a joyous response when a heavier women talks about feeling great about her body. . .it speaks greatly to the unfairness of body image all around and even those responses are distorted and are, honestly, playing into the desire for the “ideal” female body.
    I have been there, and I understand. Body Image has nothing to do with reality, and it is everything to do with an inner contentment or lack thereof.
    People can tell you over and over how great you look, and that will never help, at least, in my experience.
    Thank you for your honest story.

  20. 14 weeks and counting Says:
    August 14th, 2009 at 8:04 am

    wow, I didn’t look that good before I even had one baby. I am sorry you are dealing with that, I agree with some of the others, throw away the scales and seek professional help. Your baby is absolutely amazing for having two babies, and it is amazing to create two babies.

  21. kim Says:
    September 3rd, 2009 at 2:26 pm

    Jen- Your comment gave me chills! I’m so glad that I’ve been able to reach people that I’ve never even met by sharing my story. I just think that is so amazing that you had seen my pregnancy blog and were thinking about me. Thanks for commenting.

  22. Jenny Says:
    January 5th, 2011 at 11:51 am

    Omg you look great. I have 2 kids and myself only weigh 98 lbs but i dont look like that! My stomach is wrinkly and gross! Please tell me what it is you do to stay fit?

Comments


Support This Site