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Only a Little Bit Happy (Cassie Leigh Macleod)

August 29, 2012

The truth is i am only just a little bit happy. I laid in bed (baby 11weeks and 5 days old) finishing off an embroidery piece my own mother started when i was born but then left half done and now i am hell bent on finishing for some reason although i don’t know why to be frank. So i laid there doing my sewing with my little baby girl Dahlia Grace asleep in her moses basket next to me and my wonderful handsome boyfriend asleep next to me and i had an overwhelming urge to wake him up to tell him that for the first time in a long time i felt a little bit happy. I decided against waking him up since i knew he’d be the one waking up to feed the baby before he went to work at 6am. I don’t know why i suddenly felt happy but it clicked for five minutes in a dark bedroom with a couple candles lit so i could see what i was doing, but id been so unhappy recently, mainly during pregnancy actually. i thought to myself that healthy eating and exercise must have given me this short burst of little happiness. On June 15th 2011 i had a boob job, 2 years previous id had all my teeth pulled out and veneers put back in, i’d got my bum on the treadmill and sweated 20lbs of fat off my body and was 132lb. Hard work to earn the money for plastic surgery and hard work in the gym was definitely worth it. June 2011 I felt amazing and incredibly happy, I was graduating from Uni that month, i had a new job and life seemed simply good. On June 28th i fell pregnant and 5 weeks later i found out. Life was going to get difficult but if i could mirror a similar relationship i have with my own mother then a difficult future was okay with me. On April 17th 2012 i gave birth to my daughter and I weighed 187lb, yes 55lb heavier than i was 10 months previously. When i gave birth to my daughter there were some complications and i’ll save the details but i wouldn’t wish my experience on my worst enemy. However i would go through that every single day if it meant my baby girl was safe. Thats what is most important to me. I felt elated when my baby laid on my jelly belly for the first time. I can’t express the enormity of love i felt for her the second i felt her skin against mine but any mother who has a warm heart understands this love. I felt the need to explain in this story of mine to you that regardless of how i feel about myself i would quite easily give anything up for my baby. So…back to being in bed with my boyfriend and feeling a bit happy, i have now lost 36 pounds and feeling very chuffed with myself. I’ve given myself the target to lose 50lb in total. Although i feel proud of myself for forcing myself to gym 5 days a week i cant help but feel old and saggy and gross when i look at my naked body. Great teeth and boobs but i see my tummy and i feel deflated in my heart just how my belly looks really. I see my brothers girlfriend and her perfectly annoyingly toned perfect lithe gorgeous body and cant help but feel genuinely crap about myself. i find myself getting angry at my brother for bringing her around me. It’s not his fault. The stretch marks on my belly hurt my heart when i see them and these ‘you’ve earned those stripes tiger’ quotes can absolutely bugger off because i’ve got a scar big enough to share with ten women by my vagina and that is the only stripe i will wear with pride, and i think thats enough. The health visitor is urging me to get therapy to deal with my self image issue because i told her in confidence when she asked about self harming myself, i told her through snotty grizzling how much i detested my body and that yes id had images in my head of dying. But lets face facts…the only way i can deal with improving my self image is exercise and potentially winning a scratch card to pay for some laser on these horrid red marks. I’m not going to write a story about being proud of my marks because my daughter and my vaginal scar are enough proof of what i’ve done and been through. The truth is i am only a little bit happy. In public or late at night in the dark. The truth is i am only very unhappy when i see a reflection of a 22 year old girl with a saggy belly and stretchmarks. My story isn’t meant to be motivational or a cry for help or even attention. Its a moment of truth from my much longer story and if there is one woman in this country who feels similar to me, and i know i’m not the only one, that will be for some reason…comforting.

I am Age 22. Baby Girl is 12 weeks old today (July 10th Tuesday)
Please see attached/below photos. 4 weeks pregnant with baby Daddy, 8 months pregnant and my daughter 10 weeks old .

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12 Responses to “Only a Little Bit Happy (Cassie Leigh Macleod)”

  1. Anonymous Says:
    August 29th, 2012 at 8:46 am

    Thank you so much for sharing! You make a beautiful couple and you have a beautiful baby! I am sad about your birth story. Hospitals and doctors don’t always have the mother’s best interest in mind and sometimes can do a lot of damage. In the end, you and baby are alive and here.
    Please give your body a break from your scrutiny. It has just accomplished the most amazing thing in the world and created human life. When you look in the mirror, say thank you to your belly :)
    You are truly beautiful.

  2. Lanna Says:
    August 29th, 2012 at 10:38 am

    Lady, you are absolutely STUNNING!!! your girl is gorgeous and your boyfriend is handsome, so oh well your belly may not be what it once was but it will get there give it time for the skin to tighten back up it will, might take a few years but it will I promise :) Maybe you will neverlook like your brothers girlfreind but thats fine, you are gorgeous dont sweat it! I would love to have a pretty face if anything! like you have.

  3. molly Says:
    August 29th, 2012 at 3:24 pm

    Cassie-

    Thanks for sharing your story! I feel as if I’m in the same boat as you. I’m 22 with a 8 month old baby boy. I lost about 20 pounds before I got pregnant and I’m on my third year off having breast implants. I can completely understand were your coming from!!! I have marks in my belly. Just letting you know your not alone! You and your baby girl are stunning!

  4. Amaris Says:
    August 30th, 2012 at 5:32 am

    Wow! You have crazily nice teeth!

  5. amber H Says:
    August 30th, 2012 at 6:14 am

    your beautiful! so is your family! I wish you posted pics of your belly because im sure its not as bad as you fear they are. and you still have SO much time to recover. saty strong, && BE HAPPY :)

  6. Dani Says:
    August 30th, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    Your story really touched me because the way you feel about yourself is the same way I feel. I know there is nothing I or anyone else can say that will make it easier but if this is the price we have to pay to bring a beautiful life in to this world it is worth it .

  7. muzicbox9 Says:
    August 30th, 2012 at 7:56 pm

    Your little girl is beautiful – make her your motivation. She needs you, and she needs to know that you love her and yourself. I spent a lot of years feeling the way you do (I’m 38 now). I self loathed, I examined my body and hated it, I had feelings of anxiety and despair. Maybe that’s something we have to go through. I don’t know. Now I realize what a complete waste of time that all is. Why are we here? Are we here on Earth to look good? Or are we here on Earth to be a positive influence? Are we here to keep the focus on ourselves? Or are we here to focus on others and do what we can to make the world around us a better place? I have decided to live in the latter world, and it’s liberating. You’ll get there too someday; it might be an age thing. The more we take our eyes off ourselves, the happier we become. That’s what I’ve learned. As for your brother’s girlfriend’s body: good for her. What exactly does her wonderful body do to make the world a better place? Hopefully she’s more than just a so called “perfect” body (whatever that is). I’m sure she is more than the sum of her outward parts; and it’s going to be what she did, and not how she looked, that she’s remembered for in the end. We are all going to end up wrinkly and saggy girlfriend! Lol. Don’t waste your time sweating it – instead, enjoy your life and your daughter …

  8. april Says:
    August 30th, 2012 at 9:28 pm

    1st of all you have a beautiful family!!!
    im sure your body is not as bad as you say jst give yourself some time its gonna get better… :)

  9. Lee Says:
    September 3rd, 2012 at 10:58 pm

    Yes, I feel the same way. I have 2 children and I am now 27 but I feel just like you…. well almost. My boobs are totally screwed up. They are saggy and COVERED in deep stretch marks. Men focus on that more than anything else, esp my husband and I feel like less of a woman or something now. Be happy your breasts are good bc I promise if your man got to pick what he’d rather be messed up it would be your belly… not your boobs. Tummy tucks are available btw. If it means your life is saved, save up some money and get it done. Until then, give your body some more time and do some yoga or something for YOU. You deserve it.

  10. Maira Says:
    September 5th, 2012 at 1:09 am

    I had the feeling i was reading my own story. I also had a boob job, lost weight, have beautiful teeth and hair. I was finally where i wanted to be and then i got pregnant with my gorgeous little girl and gained alot of weight. So now after 2 years and baby nr. 2(also a little girl)I am fighting for my old body. I hate my belly stretch marks and am going for fraxel laser right now. You are so hot and you have such an adorable little girl. I know exactly how you feel! Wanted to tell you that you are not alone! Give yourself time…its worth it!

  11. Sarah Says:
    September 12th, 2012 at 6:35 pm

    I know everyone else has already said it, but you, your man, and your baby girl are all absolutely gorgeous. I struggled deeply with severe PPD after the birth of my son, which coexisted with my immense body image issues. PPD may well be an issue for you too–though if you’re anything like me (and many women), it’s a hard thing to admit to yourself.

    I am a young mother as well, and I know what a struggle it is to love your body wholly when the rest of you looks so young and vibrant and your stomach looks so weathered. My son is almost 7 now, and I’m still uncomfortable showing my stomach, even to my serious boyfriend of 4+ years. I did relearn how to feel attractive, though. It took time, but it came back.

    It really will get better! Things will tighten back up, marks will fade. Your boyfriend will love you all the same, and be grateful to your tummy for harboring his beautiful daughter for so long.

    Good luck, mama.

  12. Bethany Says:
    September 17th, 2012 at 3:40 pm

    I have to say first and foremost that you and your family are beautiful! I am also 22 and although I hate that you have had what sounds like the same issues as I have had, it is also so refreshing to not feel alone in this. I have many friends who the same day they gave birth walked out of the hospital with a size 1 jeans. As you mentioned your hard work going to the gym I do the exact same thing and it frustrates me so bad when people say “your lucky to be so thin” when in reality people have no idea how hard a lot of us women have to work at being healthy. I wish you the best although we have never met. Your daughter is beautiful and keep your head up. I don’t know that it’s any consolation but just remember that we can grow a baby! A lot of people can’t say that and I’ll take my stretched for that any day! Best of luck!

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