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Nowhere Else to Turn (Anonymous)

February 1, 2013

I had only been dating my boyfriend for 3 months when we found out I was pregnant. I was on depo for 5 years, took antibiotics, then freaked because I forgot about the effect that antibiotics have on BC, so I took Plan B. Still got pregnant. I never wanted children. I had no desire to be a mother. I panicked when the test came out positive. All I could think about was how big I was going to get. As the months went by, and the number on the scale kept getting bigger and bigger, I just could not wait to not be pregnant anymore. Everyone kept telling me that the 65 pounds I gained would just fall off, because my son is my first. I was one of the lucky ones who did not get one single stretch mark. However, I got an ass full of cellulite, as well as cottage cheese thighs. I noticed cellulite on my calves too. What gives! Anyway.. Two weeks postpartum I stepped on the scale, and noticed that I had lost 30 pounds, and I was at 205 pounds. So, I was hopeful that what everyone said about the weight falling off was true. Lies. I am now nearly 6 months PP, and am just now starting to lose weight. I am at 192.5 today. It isn’t because I am exercising, or watching what I eat. It is because I just flat out, do not eat. I eat only when my boyfriend is around, and very little at that. This is where the problem starts. All I can think about, is how disgusting my body is. Never mind that it carried, grew, nourished, and nurtured an absolutely adorable, funny, amazing baby. That just does not impress me. Pregnancy destroyed my body. Not just my skin, but my hair, teeth, and nails. Everything about me just absolutely repulses me. I found out my boyfriend was visiting a website that promotes teenage porn. He says that he didn’t know that the girls were underage, but it is QUITE obvious. He was viewing videos of girls masturbating. Which, has made me feel even worse. He has apologized incredibly, and vows to never view porn all together. Which, I don’t know if I believe him. He says that he only wants me, but my warped mind can’t help but think that if this were true, then why does he feel he needs to watch videos of 17 year olds shoving dildos in their vaginas? Might I also add that he made an account with a questionable website where he tried to view live webcams of girls masturbating. Let me make this clear. Pre-pregnancy, I had NO PROBLEM with porn. I watched it, we watched it together, and I had no problem with him watching it. I’m just incredibly insecure now, and am in a very fragile state. I can’t even watch a television show that has pretty women in it with him, or even by myself for that matter, because it makes me very uncomfortable, and all I can think about is how much my body disgusts me. I know that my train of thought is fucking ridiculous, and that “I’m beautiful no matter what,” but how do I make myself believe that? I just so badly want to be OKAY with myself. I constantly beat myself up. I cry every day. I can’t even look in the mirror without thinking how ugly I am. I was so vivacious, optimistic, fun, and bubbly before I got pregnant, and now I feel like nobody wants to be around me because I am such a drag. I fear that my new found pessimism will drive my boyfriend away. I feel like I am no fun. I can’t go a whole day without being in a bad mood. No matter how hard I try to just be OPTIMISTIC, something happens that just destroys that. My moods are like a light switch. I tried anti-depression medicine, but it did not help. I tried talking to family and friends, and they all said the same shit, “You’re beautiful no matter what.” Frankly, I’m sick of hearing that. I need someone who can whole heartedly relate to me, who has gotten over their funk, to give me advice on how to get over this state of sadness and evilness. I want to feel like ME again. I want to be able to go to the store with my boyfriend, without feeling like he is comparing me to every single woman there, thinking “I wish she looked like that.” I have no idea how to change this, but it needs done. I want to believe my boyfriend when he tells me, several times a day, how beautiful I am. I want to feel NORMAL.

Oh, and might i add, that my baby boy is my most proud achievement. When ever he smiles at me, I can’t help but get a huge smile. He is the only thing that is getting me through life right now. Please help me. I need a strangers advice <3

~Age: 29
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1 pregnancy, 1 birth
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 5 months, and 5 months pp

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16 Responses to “Nowhere Else to Turn (Anonymous)”

  1. Layla Says:
    February 1st, 2013 at 8:31 am

    I will start with the obvious things — your son is adorable and your body is a rock star for making him!

    In reading your post, it seemed really clear to me that you are likely dealing with hormonal postpartum stuff. I had it for about 6 months after my first daughter and it can be crippling. Once I realized what was going on, it really helped me not be so down on myself. I strongly suggest you talk to a doctor asap so you can start addressing the mental stuff. It will make a big difference in your outlook, I promise.

    Secondly, whether or not you are breastfeeding, not eating isn’t the answer. Starving yourself makes your body hold on to fat so it’s one of the worst things you can do (for a lot of reasons). When you visit that doctor, ask about suggestions for weight loss for moms. I personally used Weight Watchers and they have a great track for new moms that gives you more calories but still gets great results.

    One final suggestion is to get out and move your body. Go for walks, bike rides, or whatever gets you up and out. I found my salvation in the gym, personally, but I know not every is a gym person. But some sort of exercise will help you mentally feel better and certainly will help you with weight loss and toning.

    It took you 9 months to make a baby, so don’t let the pics of Victoria Secret models on the runway a week after giving birth get you down. Your body needs time to get back to normal, or to get to a new normal.

    But please, you need to connect with other moms and with a doc/mental health professional to help you get over the negative feelings and hormonal stuff. It will make a world of difference.

    I hope you can have some candid talks with your BF. If you watched porn before, he may not get that you see it in a different light now. Get him to be your partner in getting back the body you want, and accepting the one you have now.

    Most importantly, your son needs a mom who is happy and healthy. And boys need a role model growing up about what women’s bodies are like and how to be comfortable in the skin you’re in.

    You CAN do it. But you need support — please do yourself and your family a favor and reach out. I’ll keep you my thoughts, wonder woman.

    Layla

  2. Michele Says:
    February 1st, 2013 at 12:22 pm

    Hi there – I am not going to start by telling you what family/friends are because that is not what you want to hear or need to hear. Yes you are beautiful because you are YOU and you brought a beautiful child into this world, but bottom line you are discouraged about your postpartum body as I am sure the majority of us have been after giving birth. I just gave birth three mths ago to my third child, I have five lbs to go and much more toning. I am breastfeeding my baby. I also got up to 205 lbs from 165 toned and fit lbs. You can get back to a healthy weight and a toned body, but you are going to have to work hard at it let me tell you this up front. I work out five times a week. I do three days of cardio 45 min of running/walking and incorporate squats and lunges on those days and my abs and back and arms. On the other days, I am practicing pilates which is so great for toning your legs and butt. For the cellulite that you see, in order to get rid of it on your butt, legs you need to work on your diet – no fast food, no sodas, sweets, try to eat more fruits/vegetables, protein and watch what you eat. I have no sweets, but if I am craving something I eat one of the 100 calorie packs of cookies, I eat almonds, popcorn, fruit snacks, etc., there are alternatives to candy bars, soda, cookies, pie cake all of the junk that makes you gain weight and keep it on. Do squats to tone your butt and lift it, lunges for toning your legs and cardio walking/kickboxing etc in order to lose fat all over. You need to eat in order to continue to be healthy for your child and to breastfeed just watch what you eat. I have been working out 6 weeks now and can’t tell you the big difference it has made, I am happier, my husband is happier and I am well on my way. I plan to post pictures soon in order to inspire other women. It can be done through diet, exercise and staying motivated. You are only five mths postpartum so it’s best to get on it now. I am praying for your peace of mind. Find the will power to get the weight off and tone your body for YOU.

  3. erin Says:
    February 1st, 2013 at 5:01 pm

    Sweetie the weight will come off. Give it time. No, your body won’t be the same but with time you will be ok. I am still carrying around an identical belly to what you have after 7 years, and over the years I’ve come to appreciate my body and the children that it nourished and gave birth to. I work in L&D as a nurse and I can promise you that ALL mothers, well 99% of us, walk out of there with cellulite, stretch marks, or extra skin. Even the most gorgeous girls do not come out of it unscathed. Children are a gift and I’m sure your son was meant to be.

  4. Maggie Says:
    February 2nd, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    yeah, yeah, yeah, we all know that in order to lose weight you need to eat right and exercise. Great how? Here is what has worked for me. Get a big calendar and put it up in your bedroom. On it write what work-outs you want to do. Then next to the work out draw a small square and check that shit off each time you complete it! You want to be able to see your progress. So I also keep track of my weight right next to the calendar. The other thing that this will do is show your boyfriend that your sick of being you and you want to be the person you know you can be. With out even saying anything he will see that your making a change. He will like it.

  5. claire Says:
    February 2nd, 2013 at 5:16 pm

    Hello hunny your post is so sad because i was you 18 months ago. I have lost 50lbs and feel great. After i had my two lovley little boys i gained weight and felt awful and overweight i would cover it up with leggings and baggy tops and honestly i was in complete denial over the problem.I would focus so much on what my husband and family and friends were thinking about me rather than getting back into shape. Then it hit me the day i found out my husband was watching porn, now like you i didnt mind before but now it was a complete shock to my ego. I felt like i was no good and quite frankly wanted to be a hot mom not a frumpy one! Hun your body is great you have no strech marks at all and i envy you all you have to do is sculpt yourself to shape you like! Its simple diet, excersise thats it. Your cellulite will go as you loose weight and your body will detox. One really good tip that helped me maintain my diet was starting a book everyday i would right down what i ate and how much i worked out and my weight. As i saw my weight graph come down it motivated me more and more. The comments from your friends and family will help you boost your confidence and even clothes shopping wont be as bad and before. The main thing is for you to be a fit and healthy mummy for your little boy and why not through in a hot sexy girlfriend for your man too! you can do it lots of love xxx

  6. Cassandra Says:
    February 2nd, 2013 at 6:06 pm

    I know this is sooo much easier said than done, but learn to love yourself the way you love your child. I bet that no matter how your gorgeous boy looks, or what may happen to him, you will always love him unconditionally! You DESERVE to love yourself unconditionally too, because you are worth more than all the money in the world!! I am a 27yr old mom to a 2yr old boy and am a nurse. When I had my son I ended up with a vaginal prolapse that required two separate operations to fix, and means that I cannot lift anything over 15lbs for the rest of my life, and I cannot run or do any high impact exercises ever again. I had imagined going back to my life after having a baby and running/working out and looking perfect. Boy was I in for a shock! I am better now, but my body isn’t exactly the same after surgeries and a baby. I know what it is like to look at those young, perfect looking girls with disgust for my own body. But who decides what is “perfect” anyways?! Why should women like us that are adults, have lived life, and given birth to children look like 18yr olds forever?!! We are meant to grow and change as we go along. Every wrinkle stands for the years we have lived, and every stretch mark for the life we carried, etc! How precious, how amazing! That is what is actually “perfect”! If you keep yourself at a healthy weight, stay reasonably active, and nourish your body with good, healthy food in sensible portions you will do great. That is what real beauty is. No two bodies are alike, and that is awesome. Don’t overdiet/starve yourself since that will just further slow your metabolism. Watch what you eat sensibly and take walks outside, dance,swim whatever you enjoy to do for movement. It will work out. Your hormones will straighten out further as you get farther out postpartum, trust me it gets better!Your body may never be exactly the same, but is beautiful. Taking care of yourself will go such a long way to helping you feel better physically and mentally. You are important too as well as baby! And to boot a mommy that cares for herself and loves herself will be able to care even better for her little one. If your bf doesn’t see how great you are and he wants some fantasy on the computer, then tell him to go find it! You should have a man that thinks you are the best thing since sliced bread. Maybe he just had a momentary slip up, but if not be with someone who will help your confidence soar and worship you. Also, in regards to the comment that Erin made above, I agree as a nurse too! I have seen sooo many people naked, and trust me we pretty much all don’t fit to the standards of magazines and porno. But who says that that is the only version of beautiful? Be healthy and happy for you, and don’t worry about anyone else! Your little boy will admire you for it (:

  7. Kayleigh Says:
    February 3rd, 2013 at 4:25 am

    I found this site online while looking for help for myself. And may I say that I feel the exact same way about myself. I’ve always been a bigger girl, but now (only 4 weeks since my son was born) I feel so much uglier and unattractive. I actually relate to you on every level, from body issues, to BF and porn (my bf swears he doesn’t look ‘anymore’ since he has learned how I feel though) but I get it completely. I’m sorry if this isn’t helping you at all, but your story helped me. So maybe if you know someone else is feeling the same way, you can feel a little better.
    Also, like you 2 weeks pp I lost 25 lbs and now after reading your story and so many others I am terrified the other 25 lbs are going to stick around a while. Great!
    Anyway, I hope I didn’t make you more depressed by not giving encouraging words. It’s just… I hear those encouraging words all day, and I still don’t believe any of them myself. I hope for your sake and mine these issues pass with time and we both feel comfortable in the skin we’re in!

  8. notmyself Says:
    February 3rd, 2013 at 8:43 am

    I have just given birth to my fourth baby and I’m in the same space as you are at the moment. But for me, I do have the knowledge that things do change and do improve. It helps me moving forward but each day my mind tells me awful things like you are telling yourself and I still feel like crap.

    I’ve gained similar amounts to you in all four pregnancies and in all of them (bar this one obviously) I have eventually lost the weight before getting pregnant again. When I look in the mirror I hate what I see but I can visualise what I REALLY look like and I know I am a thinner person. This body is healing and has been through so much, that I have to be patient and give it a break. Give myself a break.

    The weight will come off, that’s a guarantee. If you want – it will go. What needs to improve now is how you feel. I have just taken the road of treating my fatigued adrenals and cutting all grains. It means I eat mostly vegies, fruit and meats. In just a week I’ve lost weight already and I’m not actually trying, but just cutting the obvious and easy foods I didn’t even care for. I know you say you aren’t eating but I wonder if you can shove as much healthy food into your body as possible instead of starving. Starving just does not work. I hate that, but it’s true.

    You are beautiful and you are who you want to be. It’s just that this time is an interim, a healing, a resting period. You have done a mammoth thing, creating a child, and for some of us it takes our bodies a while to recover. Think about your body as a temple and work on creating the cleanest and most healing diet and lifestyle. Get active, do something that gives you joy like a craft or hobby and just love this time with your baby. It goes in the flick of an eye and you will look back and kick yourself for spending that much time hating yourself when you could have instead enjoyed your baby more. 6 months is so soon. Why not work on a 2yr plan.

  9. Renae Says:
    February 3rd, 2013 at 10:50 pm

    I think you look beautiful. :) You have an absolutely lovely hourglass figure. Do not let your “flaws” tell you what your self worth is. You have a gorgeous baby, and life is too short to be sad about your weight (easier said than done, I know). Every time you are thinking something negative about yourself, instantly force yourself to find something good about yourself. It helps a lot over time! And remember, to your son, you’re the most beautiful woman in all the world :)

  10. Sarah Says:
    February 3rd, 2013 at 11:51 pm

    Wow! Look at that adorable baby of yours!!! I think you have a very feminine shape. :) I must warn you, though, you won’t lose the weight you want by not eating – it puts your body into starvation mode so you hang onto body fat. If you eat 6 small meals a day you’ll get the results you want.

    As for more practical advice… I went through a dark period in my life as well, after my brother died of suicide. The best thing to do is to go out, enjoy the sunshine, enjoy the memories you’re making with your children, enjoy God, enjoy your SO. In the meantime, you, like I did, will lose baby weight because you’re not sitting inside feeling broken inside. By nature of walking, going to museums, making memories, you’ll feel better about yourself and your health. My son is 15 months right now, my daughter is 6. I’m waiting for the sunshine so I can do the same! Being indoors all the time makes me feel awful!!! I’ve gained weight since the holidays, being a little hermit. Can’t wait to go outside and take pictures – that’s the hobby I have, photographing my kids. It makes me happy. :) We’ll be headed to Disneyland this year with our tax returns – another chance to make memories. :)

  11. Natalie Says:
    February 4th, 2013 at 8:26 am

    It takes work to change your body. It looks like you are carrying most of your weight in your lower body, in my opinion it is easier to lose lower body weight compared to upper body (belly especially). I will share a little bit of my story. I was back to my goal weight (120 lbs) by 6 months PP. I hate when people say oh you had it easy, you snapped right back. I didn’t have it easy, and I don’t look the same as pre-baby but I do love how I look NOW. What worked for me is walking up to 2 miles, 4-5 times a week pushing the stroller. I had my baby back in May, and started walking short distance as soon as my healing vaginal tear allowed me. Then gradually increased the distance as I was able to handle it. I went cold turkey on sweets. Then I found out that didn’t work for me because after a week I would binge on sweets. To prevent binging, up to this day I have something sweet (usually few pieces of chocolate) with dinner. I do all my cooking from scratch, olgasflavorfactory. com is full of delicious healthy recipes. I also did and still do a workout (found it on pinterest) to tone up my lower body. No more jiggly thighs and saggy butt for me:) My very energetic baby boy toned up my arms quite nicely. My husband created a graph for me to keep track of my weight loss progress. Having a visual of your progress is very motivating to keep exercising and eating right. So remember it will take some hard work and determination to get your body to where you’re happy with it, and YOU CAN DO IT.

  12. Allie Says:
    February 4th, 2013 at 9:00 am

    I felt very similar to you after i had my son. It seemed there was no end it sight. But everything takes time. Now 2.5 years postpartum…working at it, the freedom that comes with a child that is no longer a baby, the ability to get moving, I no longer feel as bad about myself as I did. The stretch marks will always be there…but I’m not defined by them anymore. And you won’t be defined by your post pregnancy body forever either. Just take it day by day…work at it and eventually you will be back to YOU.

  13. katie Says:
    February 6th, 2013 at 9:43 am

    you said you want someone who can relate well here I am. I understand PERFECTLY how you feel because I went through the exact same thing as you. I had the repeating negative, self loathing thoughts, playing over and over all day. Irritability, loss of appetite, nothing seems fun or worth doing, just when you think you might be having a good day you try on a pair of pants to go out to the store and you find yourself crying for an hour wondering how you can go on like this one more day. You are DEPRESSED! This is not something you can “cheer up” from or “think positive” to feel better….do you want to kill anyone who says that to you? Also….this is important..it is not your fault and has nothing to do with the way you look. You probably think “I would be happy if I looked better”. Its not that..your brain’s happy chemicals are messed up and you need meds and therapy right away. I hope you can hear this from me because when I was going through it I wouldnt listen when people told me I needed help, thats part of the depression too. But trust me, It takes on to know one!!! Try a different medication and be patient, keep going back to the doctor if symptoms dont improve, Prozac practically saved my life, but there are lots of others too.
    Another thing too that others already mentioned is to be patient. Your body takes a looong time-like a year or more for me- to repair, especially if you dont eat. Also the lack of nutrients/vitamins can actually cause depression. I know you dont want to eat because you think if i gain even 1 pound you will just die of sadness, also you have no appetite from the depression. Please!!! get a good doc or NP and get on drugs. I was JUST LIKE YOU and i feel normal today, off meds 3 years later. You can get better, I pray for you!

  14. anna Says:
    February 7th, 2013 at 7:38 am

    hi.men r dirty pigs & they all watch porn & look @ naked pictures it’s sad but true.I think tht u shouldn’t get too complicated about being fit;just keep it real simple becuz u don’t want to get discouraged either!u have to just get up one day & make a decision for your LIFE tht u will get it right & keep it tight for LIFE.it’s very simple all u have to do is not eat stuff tht u know is unhealthy & eat stuff tht will sustain your body;not just eat crap tht’s for the sake of eating & it doesn’t take a rocket scientist.eat @ home for one;eating out is always bad & lawd really knows wht’s in the food.fresh food not frozen!try to make stuff from scratch!nothing microwaved tht’s gross;you’re supposed to eat a portion of meat or fish a portion of grains such as rice or potatoes & a portion of vegetables for dinner;a portion being the size of your clenched fist.but I mean even if u eat all the day long just eat cheeses & yogurts & cold meats & sh*t like tht to snack on u know but don’t starve yourself!trust me it’s counter productive.I would start working out @ home if you’re not used to it & plus it’s weird having people stare @ u in the gym & then when you’re feeling a little better work @ the gym sometimes.just splurge @ fitness depot & plug yourself into an iPod & go hard @ home you’ll get used to it;the best exercise plan I ever heard was on saturday night live & it’s called eat less & move more!lol!tht’s it just work up a sweat everyday tht’s all & I say even if u wanted to eat a lot u can’t eat too much fresh food it’s just wht u eat tht’s key.btw u have a great body!put in a little work & u will be straight & u have a very nice bum!I wish I had tht to start with I only have a little one :( ;u look very feminine & curvy & u could be really bad if u try a little.& don’t pay too much mind to your boyfriend they r never happy anyway.wht a beautiful baby & good luck to u!be easy

  15. Laura Says:
    February 12th, 2013 at 8:36 pm

    Hello,

    You are not alone in feeling this way. I too felt the same way after I had my daughter, who’s now 9 months old. To improve my self-image, I took charge of it. I whitened my teeth, painted my nails, worked out/lost weight, got a hair cut, etc. Only within the last month have I began to feel comfortable in my own skin. Please do not be defeated by your feelings of low self-esteem, and instead do something about them!

  16. Adrienne Says:
    March 27th, 2013 at 4:15 am

    You have no idea how many women feel this way!! I gained 50 pounds while pregnant. I lost 20 right away and only lost the rest after 6 months PP. 3 months PP I found out my boyfriend (ex bf now) was cheating on me with numerous other girls. I of course blamed myself but I left him anyways. Losing weight after that became even more difficult since going to the gym was no longer a realistic option since I had to take care of my baby all by myself now. I started to eat only healthy things during the week but allowed myself a little bit of junk food on weekends. While my baby was doing tummy time I was right on the floor with her doing my new current workouts. We walked a lot and I mean a lot and I now 1 year PP I weigh less than before I got pregnant.

    For the workouts I’m talking about go to google images and type in “ultimate butt workout” “ultimate ab workout” , its the images with the yellow writing and do those 3-4 times a week. If you don’t know what some of the exercises are just simply google image those too. It took awhile to get where I want to be both mentally and physically but I feel very independent and strong now. You will get there too eventually xo

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