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Missing my darling daughter, 15.5 weeks postpartum (Jillyn)

October 14, 2009

I have been meaning to take pictures and post on here for quite a while now, but with so much going on, i just haven’t found the inner strength or time.

When i was 20 weeks pregnant with our first child we had our first ultrasound and they found that i didn’t have any amniotic fluid. So a week later i finally had another ultrasound and the specialist fount that our baby had cysts in both their kidneys. He then told us our baby would not live. My husband and i were both devastated, but we decided to continue with the pregnancy and cherish every moment we had left with our child.

When i was about 28.5 weeks pregnant i ended up going to the ER for sever pain in my back. It turned out my kidney was inflamed and my growing uterus was causing it. They told me the only way to solve the problem would be to have our baby. The next day was my husbands college graduation and 2 days after that we were moving so we didn’t induce right away. After we were moved we set up an induction date for 2 weeks later because our 2 year wedding anniversary was going to be a week after we had moved.

They started the induction May 25th 2009 at 8pm when i was 32 weeks pregnant. On May 27th, 2009 at 5:17pm we gave birth to our daughter, Grace Carpi. She was so tiny, so perfect and angelic. The had been a frank breech so her little bum was all bruised, but other than that, she was just amazing. She weighed 2 lbs 14 oz and was 16 inches long. After she was born she tried to take a breath, she tried 6-8 times in the 10 minutes after she was born. But sadly, her lungs were not developed at all, so 10-15 minutes after she was born, she slipped away from us. She never let out a cry, never opened her eyes. The doctor has tried to tell us that she was a stillbirth, but after talking to other professionals and reading medical journals, we feel that our daughter indeed was alive and we will continue to fight for our right of a birth certificate.

I am 5’5″ and was 178 lbs before i was pregnant. I weighed 210-215 at the end of my pregnancy and now, 15.5 weeks postpartum i weigh 204-207 lbs. Because of my depression i feel it will take me a while go get down to my pre-pregnancy weight and even longer to get to my healthy weight (about 130-140 lbs). I got my first stretch mark at either 7w or 11w (i can’t remember) on my inner thigh. I got the ones on my stomach when i was 25 weeks pregnant. I also got more stretch marks on my hips and on my breasts. I went up a cup size during pregnancy, from a B to a C.

The last 15 and 1/2 weeks have been quite an emotional time for my husband and i. Not only did he just graduate from college, we moved, had our wedding adversary, gave birth to our daughter, buried our daughter, had my 22nd birthday, my husband left for orientation for a new job, we had a memorial for our daughter, went to talk to a panel of people at the hospital about receiving a birth certificate, and my husband left for 4 weeks of training for work. And during all of that we were and are still grieving the loss of our little girl. Some say we shouldn’t be a sad because we knew that she was going to die, but that doesn’t matter to us. We still lost our daughter, she still is not with us and we will miss her forever.

I am posting pictures of me before my pregnancy, at 28w 3d, at 32w (with Henna Tattoo from blessing way), pictures of Grace, and then pictures of me 15.5w postpartum and a picture of my first and worst stretch mark on my leg.

Updated here.

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35 Responses to “Missing my darling daughter, 15.5 weeks postpartum (Jillyn)”

  1. hillary Says:
    October 14th, 2009 at 11:37 am

    i’m so sorry that you lost your beautiful daughter. you deserve more time together.

  2. Shannon Says:
    October 14th, 2009 at 11:42 am

    I am so sorry for your loss…and it was a huge loss (the biggest) no matter what anyone says. Your daughter is so beautiful by the way, as are you and your husband. My son passed away when he was 19 months old. It was just over a year ago (I was 22 when he passed away)…I did not know anything was wrong with him during my pregnancy…not until he was born. He was taken to Children’s Hospital where he spent the 1st month of his life. Then came home with me and my husband where we took care of him, loved him, and made him as happy as can be for the next 18 months before he passed in his sleep. His syndrome was very rare and we were told he would pass young (most of the children with it passed away before age 7)…but I was not ready…it was too soon…and I have yet to go a day without thinking of him. I have had another child (very unplanned but welcome)…and it is true that you love all of your children the same. Liam reminds me of my Connor all the time. I love both of my boys so much! Grace is now playing with my Connor…

  3. Nina Says:
    October 14th, 2009 at 12:16 pm

    Good luck with your quest for a birth certificate for your lovely little angel. I totally agree that you and your husband (and Grace) deserve one! And for the people who say you shouldn’t be sad, knowing you are going to loose something doesn’t make it any easier, often you still hope for a miracle and when it doesn’t happen you have every right to be sad. I love your henna, and you look amazing for only 15.5 weeks PP :)

  4. Doni Says:
    October 14th, 2009 at 12:57 pm

    Your story and pictures made me cry, she was so beautiful! I have a son that is 8 months old and he is my world. I am so sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine your pain. I think mothers are the strongest people, and mothers who have lost a child are even stronger.

  5. nico Says:
    October 14th, 2009 at 3:42 pm

    i’m so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. i often think that my stretch marks are my body’s way of remembering my son and how he is a part of me… your daughter’s tiny life has marked you indelibly with her memories on your skin. look down at them and love.

    xo

  6. jane Says:
    October 14th, 2009 at 11:27 pm

    your story made me cry..I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I can’t even imagine going through what you go through on a daily basis. You’re an incredibly strong women!!! STAY STRONG!!

  7. Heather Says:
    October 15th, 2009 at 1:46 am

    In England, every child born after 24 weeks gestation is entitled to a birth certificate, still born or live birth. It seems very wrong to me that you don’t have one for your baby. I wish you all the luck in the world in getting your daughter a certificate, she and you deserve it.

    I can’t belive people said that you should not be sad! You would not be human if you did not feel loss. Continuing with your pregnancy despite knowing that your baby would not survive shows real love, and that makes you both great parents to her! Ignore those people, they are idiots!

    I’m so sorry for your loss XXXXXX

  8. Caroline Says:
    October 15th, 2009 at 8:16 am

    I am truly sorry for your loss. Grace was beautiful. Your story makes me remember that a few stretchmarks and a bit of flabby skin is a tiny price to pay to have 2 healthy and happy children.

    My daughter was born at 31 weeks and spent the first 6 weeks of her life in hospital but thankfully made a full recovery. I hope in the future you get the chance to become a mummy and daddy again.

  9. Karla Says:
    October 15th, 2009 at 10:10 am

    I pray for you and your husband that you will feel the love of God, your family and that beautiful girl. You have the right to a birth certificate and the right to grief. WE are all going to die and that doesnt change the fact that we suffer when a loved one passes away. May God be with you at this time.

  10. Elizabeth Says:
    October 15th, 2009 at 11:09 am

    I am so very sorry for your loss. She looked like a little angel.

  11. Stephanie Says:
    October 15th, 2009 at 2:49 pm

    You carried your daughter 32 weeks. You birthed your daughter. She lived inside of you. She lived outside of you. She continues to live in your heart. No one can take that away from you. You and your husband are amazing and I’m praying for God to pour out His blessings and encouragment on the two of you.

  12. National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day « Says:
    October 15th, 2009 at 4:03 pm

    [...] This particular story is entitled “Missing my darling daughter, 15.5 weeks postpartum.” This mother lost her daughter when she experienced complications during pregnancy and ended up delivering nearly 8 weeks early. Her story is a brave and important one, especially today. Click here to read the story. [...]

  13. Samantha Says:
    October 15th, 2009 at 4:55 pm

    What a beautiful little angel! I’m am so sorry for your loss; May God bless you and your husband and I pray that when you’re ready you are blessed with another baby! God bless and stay strong!

  14. Ashleigh Says:
    October 16th, 2009 at 10:21 am

    Hi…
    First I want to tell u your story has completely feeling heartbroken, tears are still running down my face. You are TRULY strong, and I could never imagine feeling the way you probably did. I don’t know what else to say except keep your head up, and I pray that you live the rest of your life beautifully.. and I truly mean that… You are a very strong strong woman : )

  15. Sarah Says:
    October 16th, 2009 at 4:50 pm

    I’m so sorry that your baby is no longer with you. I pray for strength for you and your family.

  16. Anna Says:
    October 16th, 2009 at 8:37 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss, it’s incomprehensible anyone would question your grief. There just aren’t any words.

  17. RIMA Says:
    October 16th, 2009 at 9:32 pm

    you made me cry …I could feel every single emotion you went through .. It is the wonderful amazing love of a mother. God bless you and may your days bring you smiles..

  18. shanen Says:
    October 17th, 2009 at 12:30 pm

    I’m so very sorry for ur loss. I’m ready this and crying as if it was my baby too. u r in my prayers.

  19. Christie Says:
    October 17th, 2009 at 1:44 pm

    I am in tears, words are not enough. You are a strong and beautiful woman and mother. Thankyou for sharing.

  20. ariel Says:
    October 17th, 2009 at 4:56 pm

    I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby girl. My prayers are with you and your family

  21. Tinia Says:
    October 17th, 2009 at 5:17 pm

    I am sorry for what you’ve been through and you are entitled to a birth certificate! I cannot believe and had no idea that still born babies did not get them, and it sounds like your baby was born alive. Lovely photos with your daughter. I volunteer for NILMDTS, and we take photos like yours for moms and dads! She is beautiful!

  22. Bella Says:
    October 19th, 2009 at 11:48 pm

    My heart goes out to you! the pictures of the 3 of you are so beautiful, you have all the right in the world to grieve for your loss. Hug.

  23. lisa Says:
    October 21st, 2009 at 3:02 pm

    Hi there
    I just wanted to say your story has brought tears to my eyes
    You are such a brave woman for too live through what you have been through and to come on here and tell everyone your story i think is truley amazing
    I have 3 kids myself and my middle 1 wasnt very well when he was born he has spent a lot of time in hospital he was a pie baby as they are known ( pierotic siniousis )(cant spell it right )
    That broke my heart nvr mind haven to go through the same as you have
    I wish you all the luck in the world for getting a birth certificate for grace
    your pictures of your little girl are lovely
    stay strong
    xx

  24. Jody Says:
    October 23rd, 2009 at 4:05 am

    Thank you so much for telling your birth story.
    Your baby was very definitely alive and I hope with every fibre that you get Grace’s birth certificate. The doctor who told you she was still born needs to pull it together or find another profession. You have been through so much and been so strong.
    She was a beautiful baby. I’m glad you got to hold her and say goodbye.
    Sending much love.

  25. Adriane Says:
    October 23rd, 2009 at 3:54 pm

    Hey its AJ again. Just wanted to say you two are so blessed. Grace is such a beautiful angel. I love the henna too! <3

  26. r ranson Says:
    November 21st, 2009 at 6:18 pm

    we lost three little ones at four months the first one was the worst no one to talk to the rest we had our church family it was tuff but easyer to deal with dont now if you have a church family or not but if you dont it could really help also very sorry for you loss good luke to you and your husband

  27. Kelaiah Lynn Says:
    December 26th, 2009 at 10:19 pm

    what a precious baby! Mamma your body will forever show the markings of her existance, what a sweet gift to see in the mirror everyday. I miscarried at age 14, 20 weeks along. I have had 3 live births since. I am now 34. You look great hun, and I feel for you.

  28. Kelly Says:
    January 3rd, 2010 at 11:55 pm

    I must ask.. WHY didn’t they put her on a ventalator and try to help her? this is the saddest thing i have ever read and it brought me to tears. I am incredibly sorry I can’t even imagine how hard it must be. I will keep you and your family in my prayers<3 god bless you and your family!

  29. Jillyn Says:
    January 8th, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    Kelly, they did not put her on a ventalator because we asked for no life sustaining measures. We knew our daughters condition was not compatable with life and we did not want to prolong her life, or any suffering.

    And to everyone, thank you for all of your kind words, they really mean so much to me.

  30. Tammy Says:
    January 9th, 2010 at 9:39 am

    I am so sorry for your loss. Everything happens for a reason and what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Stay strong and remember that your baby girl will always be a part of you, remaining in your heart forever. Wishing you a Happy 2010.

  31. Julia Says:
    February 21st, 2010 at 5:00 pm

    I am just crying for your loss and your spirit. You are braver and stronger than I ever could be.

  32. Bill Says:
    March 15th, 2010 at 9:26 pm

    As a father your story brought tears to my eyes. I love my daughters and the thought of experiencing a loss such as yours is heartbreaking. I hope you and your husband are able to have another child – one to bring you twice the joy as you both deserve it!

  33. crystal Says:
    June 6th, 2010 at 4:11 am

    thank you for sharing your heartbreaking story. i couldnt help but cry, you are a courageous woman! i lost my brother 6years ago, he was 17 and in an accident and i remember at that time so many other bad things also happened not allowing me to grieve properly. and with that i got very sick and needed help with my daughter as i wasnt able to look after myself let alone her. please try to find time to grieve as your loss is enormous! and with so many changes occuring around the same time your body will be on a roller coater of emotions as was mine. my sister also had a baby born and lost and if i have learnt anything from her there is still so much to live and strive for. i pray God will help heal your hearts and comfort you. sending love and support x

  34. mary Says:
    March 2nd, 2011 at 4:27 pm

    I’m so sorry this happened to you. In 1996, I found out I was pregnant. At my 20 week gestation appointment, I learned I had no fluid eitiher. Long story short, my daughter also had cystic kidneys. WE carried her to 32 weeks, and they told me she was still born.

    Nevertheless, when we were allowed to hold her for two hours just after delivery, there was a heart beat/pulse we could feel on the side of her little head. She was alive.

    She never opened her eyes, and I tried to lift her eyelids so she could see the parents that loved her. But I feel she was with us in some way, maybe her soul floating above us in the room, hanging on to be with us for just a little while.

    WE reported to the nurse that there was a pulse, but they rejected the idea that our daughter was alive, probably out of mercy for the inevitable.

    WE had her baptised there after her birth, she went to autopsy, we collected her from there, and she was buried within 24 hours of birth. WE had ordered a beautiful headstone during my pregnancy, after being counseled on the outcome of all this.

    I firmly believe our daughters are with God, and we will see them one day, in full recognition.

    My prayers go out to you and hope you heart has been able to heal in some way. In some ways, our girls are always with us.

    Mary

  35. danielle Says:
    April 28th, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    thank you for sharing this. i can’t stop crying

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