Loving Myself (Tarah)

I am 31
3 wonderful daughters!

I had my first child when I was 19. Always overweight and insecure with myself, my first pregnancy did not help. I gained quite a bit more weight. The father of my child would abuse me regularly. Never leaving bruises on the outside, just on my heart. I was in labor over 24 hours with her. A C-section was performed and they realized her cord was around her neck twice. If I had pushed I would have killed her. Scarred and alone I raised her for 2 years with only the help of my family. I rushed into a marriage when she was 2, convinced that no one would love a fat 21 yr old single mom. I then got pregant with my second daughter. More wieght gain, more unhappiness. Another C-section, compounding the scarring. It was a lonely time for me compounded by the fact that both my father and grandmother died suddenly. Feeling utterly alone and worthless, divorced with 2 children by 2 different men, I fell into a horrible depression. Then I met my current husband. He never hesitated to tell me I was beautiful, that my girls are beautiful. He loves me no matter what I weigh or how bad my body is scarred. I got pregnant again with my third daughter. Again, more weight, worse stretch marks. My husband never once said a negative word about my body. He is the first man I ever let touch my belly who wasn’t a doctor. At first it was strange, never in all my life had a man ever held me and loved me and my big stretch mark covered belly. He would rub my belly and talk to our daughter, sing to her sometimes even. When she was born had no choice but to have another C-section. I was lucky enough to have the same doctor for all three deliveries. He told me that I will never have a flat bikini belly. I should just give up, and realize I will always want to cover it. When I gave birth to my last child I weighed over 200 lbs. I hated my body no matter how much my husband said I was beautiful. Now my youngest is almost 2, and I have taken charge of my body. I’m not ashamed of my belly or my scars. I made a promise to myself to take care of my body better. I now have lost 45 lbs. which is good, but I have lost the mentality that my worth is measured by my “beauty”. I love myself now, and love my husband more for never making me feel bad about myself. I am lucky enough to be in a community of people who love me for me, not my body. Who cherish the stretch marks and celebrate women in all forms! Thank you to my wonderful extended family!! Thank you for this site to show others what a mother’s body really looks like! Mostly though, thank you to my wonderful husband, for loving me and my body no matter what!!