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A Crushing Journey (Amy)

August 27, 2010

Age: 26
2 Pregnancies 1 Birth
Baby Girl lived to be 2 ½ days old
I am currently 5 months PP

I come on this website often. Just to look at all you wonderful ladies and listen of the journeys that you have had. My journey has been a hard one of recent. Losing a child would never be an easy one. Lily was born after an almost perfect pregnancy. By almost I mean at the very end (41 weeks) my placenta separated from my uterine was and my precious Angel was deprived of oxygen due to her severe loss of blood. It was only a matter of time before the damage that had been done finally took her life. And I can honestly say that the single most amazing moment of my life was when I finally got to hold her and she looked up and me and my husband to say goodbye – the moment before her little heart stopped beating.

To work through many emotions I must admit I was pretty hard on my body. And by the 3rd month PP I had lost all of my pre pregnancy weight – despite the fact that I needed to take it easy due to my c-section. By 4.5 months PP I was 10 lbs below my original weight and then I stopped. It was although my mind finally clicked. No matter how hard I was on my body – she was not going to come back to me.

This month we have started trying to conceive again. Although I wanted to try again before now. Emotionally and physically I truly don’t believe I was ready before now.

I worry that new stretch marks will take the place of the old ones that remind me of Lily and that scares me.

And more than anything I worry that something like this will happen again.

Thank-you so much for listening.

Pictures: 1st me at 38 weeks pregnant 2nd me at 3 months PP

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12 Responses to “A Crushing Journey (Amy)”

  1. Sarah Says:
    August 27th, 2010 at 7:59 am

    You’re amazing and beautiful.

  2. Shannon Says:
    August 27th, 2010 at 8:09 am

    I am so sorry. I know how hard (to say the least) it is to lose a child. My son passed away at 19 months. I got pregnant only 2 months after he passed (not planned, and too soon…but it must have been what Connor wanted for us). I know from experience that you stretch marks from your little girl WILL NOT be covered by the new ones to come. I can tell which are Connor’s and which are Liam’s, and I love it. They are maps where my babies lived! Good luck, and no matter what people may say (they say some dumb things like “at least you have another child”) we know that our babies can never be replaced. Luckily as mommies we have enough love to go around for all of our children :)

  3. Bryana Says:
    August 27th, 2010 at 9:01 am

    I am sorry to hear of your story.
    Nothing can ever prepare you for the loss of a child, no matter when it happens. Especially after a picture perfect full term pregnancy. So for that I am truly sorry and will pray for you and your husband.
    I can understand not wanting any of Lily’s life to be taken from you, from stretch marks to any other thing that reminds you of her. But God willing, another child will bless you. Not to replace Lily, but to continue your love for her.
    You look fantastic, and am glad to hear it has “clicked” so to speak.

  4. sarah Says:
    August 27th, 2010 at 10:20 am

    I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine what you have been through in such a short period of time. The picture of you pregnant in the forest is absoultely stunning, such a beautiful shot captured in a beautiful moment of time. I must say the image of your tummy sent me into a burst of tears. Your stretch marks look a lot like mine but I found them to be so incredibly beautiful and angelic on you. They represent a child that you have lost, and they are precious to you. I think I will begin to see my stretch marks in a different light now. I wouldnt worry too much about a new pregnancy’s stretchmarks replacing the old ones. I’m sure you will remember every single one of lily’s even if you do get new ones. In fact, I have had two pregnancies, the first one gave me stretchies on the belly, and the second I got no new ones on my belly, just a few going horizontally across my lower back. :) Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers, especially for a healthy pregnancy and safe delivery. God bless

  5. mia Says:
    August 27th, 2010 at 11:37 am

    I don’t have words that seem adequate for your loss. Just know that my heart literally aches after reading this. I can imagine what losing your baby would be like and even that hurts, actually experiencing it is soul wrenching i’m sure. you are so brave to try again, i hope so bad that it turns out differently this time!

  6. Maddie Says:
    August 27th, 2010 at 4:37 pm

    I am so sorry Lily isn’t here with you. We lost our little girl at 4 days old last year and as you know, it’s harder than you can really describe with words.

    I had a c-section too and fell pregnant a couple of months later – it’s been difficult. I’m 33 weeks pregnant now. Hoping that this baby comes home and terrified that he won’t.

    I know so many women who hate their stretch marks and scars but they’re one of the too few memories we have of Matilda so I love them.

    Hope you fall pregnant quickly and sending love and strength as you go through your next pregnancy.

    Maddie x

  7. Sarah P. Says:
    August 27th, 2010 at 8:24 pm

    Oh my God, that is so heartbreaking. I’m so sorry. Nobody and nothing will ever be able to replace Lily. She’s in your heart and it will always be that way, no matter how many pregnancies you have. I’m glad you shared with us on this site. Motherhood takes many shapes and we all have different journeys. This will make you a stronger woman, in the long run. Bless you!

  8. Witchmother Says:
    September 5th, 2010 at 2:35 am

    Oh my goodness, you poor sweet woman. I wish I could just reach out and hug you. I am so sorry you had to endure the loss of a child. That is my only and biggest fear in the world there is nothing I could picture worse than something happening to my children.

    I am so sorry..

    I wish you love and happiness in your life.

  9. Amy Says:
    September 13th, 2010 at 9:55 am

    I just wanted to say thank-you all for reading my post and for your lovely comments. Shannon and Maddie I am so sorry to hear of your losses – your words have helped me very much. I am happy to say that shortly after I wrote this post I found out that I was pregnant. I am very thankful that it didnt take too long. I am currently 8 weeks and doing my best not to worry over every little thing.

    Thanks again for all of your comments.

    Amy

  10. Sarah Says:
    January 2nd, 2012 at 10:04 pm

    you are a beautiful woman and your story opens the hearts of many women just like you. You are amazing and your story is one of love and trust. Keep trusting in God and never forget little Lily or the love you have! Im sorry for your loss, i know nothing can make it better–Sarah

  11. Sarah Says:
    January 2nd, 2012 at 10:05 pm

    No parent should have to bury a child…

  12. Nicole Says:
    August 23rd, 2013 at 9:06 am

    Dear Amy,
    Your story really made me cry. I lost my little sun in the 24th week, and though I have a beutiful and healthy daugther now, I still mis my little Angel. I wish you all the best and I believe that you will be blessed an have a little Baby to care for. And you have a little Angel now that is watching over you as well. All the best. Lots of hugs. Nicole

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