hautemama

I have two beautiful babies ages 2 – 3 this october and 7 months. Both are girls. I got pregnant when i was 17 years old with my eldest, i was one month clean from sever drug abbuse that nearly claimed my life. I weigh a tiny 118 lbs, if that. I didn’t gain ANY weight with my eldest until my 8th month and maybe then gained 30 lbs. I had alot of stretch marks because no one ever told me that by itching them would cause stretch marks.

Well my delivery was wonderful, no pain drugs, no problems, no episiotomy. My husband was somewhat supportive. afterwards, I felt like I failed at breastfeeding because she wouldn’t latch on because my breasts were so engorged. I couldn’t pump because i refused to take pain medicine because of the drug fear, and so I felt like I failed her. I started eating more and more, and was very dissatisfied with my appearance. My once smooth flawless skin was over ruled by pimples and oil. My hair had grown so much became brittle at the ends, and felt fried. My husband constantly nagged me about my weight and made me feel really bad. i went from a very healthy eating habbit to polishing off ice cream at 230 am while bottle feeding. The picture below was taken 4 months before I got pregnant with my first.

And this one is a few months before I was due.

Anyways, I finally statred working when my daughter was 4 months old and it made me feel really good, I met some girls who had bounced way back into shape and were up on current beauty things, and we had lots of girl time, and i really felt back in the swing of things, toting baby JM on one hip and somewhat normal looking tummy, still weighed 20 lbs than i used to but i felt really good. Then about a year and some months later I found out while my husband and I just like 2 days had seperated, I was pregnant with our second. Afraid to tell him because we had moved somewhat to washington state, and i moved myself and JM back in with my parents in california, i was afraid he would have thought i cheated on him. which i clearly didn’t and if any doubt even occured i offered a paternity test. Anyways with my second, stella girl. It wasn’t right the first month, i had morning sickness my first pregnancy, but this felt beyond morning sickness, my parents left me to the house by myself while they went up to washington to visit my grandma, I would sleep for hours, I wouldn’t eat anything, I couldn’t drive, i became dizzy, disoriented, i don’t even remember taking proper care of my daughter because i felt too sick. I dropped alot of weight I weighed 140 when i found out i was pregnant with stella and then weighed at 124 only months later.

I finally went to a doctor, but they didn’t know what was going on, put me on iron and i still didn’t feel better. I began to get these attacks in my stomach, it felt like i was dying, felt like I was miscarrying at 6 months!!!! I went in for several tests and the doctors ‘guessed’ that it was gallbladder disease. which they treated with enormous supplies of vicodin and phenergan. I was high for the rest of my pregnancy because they said there wasn’t anything they could do about it, i stayed on a very strict eating diet and still had the attacks. my husband had no idea how to help me, and decided being an ass still was the best way to go about things. He continued to nag about what i did and how i complained about how i never felt good. I still wasn’t gaining any weight by 8 months and took me out of work and had me on bed rest. My work was threatening to fire me if i had went on bedrest, they threatened to find some way to fire me so i quit. the hospital that i had had my eldest in refused me, and told me if i went into labor i would have to drive a half hour out of town to deliver. I felt like the world was turning its back on me.

I struggled with the sickness, having to increase my vicodin because the normal dose wasn’t covering the pain, i began to have chest pains, i would faint, dizzyspells, tunnel vision. i was soon not allowed to drive not even down the street. I went into Labor at 10 am December 16th after my midwife stripped my membranes. I had good strong steady contractions until 5pm, when they completely stopped. i napped until 10 pm when they started to induce with pitocin, 3 bags later… still didn’t dialate to anything spectacular. at about 1230 i mentioned to the nurse that i was going to push because i felt it was time, at 8 1/2 centimeters she said i couldnt because i would rip my cervix.

gawd i didn’t give a damn.

Still no pain killers because back labor and contractions weren’t enough for me to ask for any, I pushed stellas head out without my doctor there. there was no waiting to push anymore, it hurt to much to not push.

My legs swelled up so bad and my arms swelled i felt really icky. my docotor was prepped a half hour before i pushed that i was planning on having her soon, and didn’t show up only in time to catch her when she came out.

Here is a picture when i was 7 months with stella.

Anyways they left the placenta in me for a half hour and then the nurse rudely informed me iwas not allowed to shower until stella was finished, eventhough i didn’t need help showeing. so i told her i was going to the bathroom she then threw a tempertantrum because i did and told me my husband couldn’t stay the night.

Stella was a healthy 7 lb 13 oz baby.

About one month after all my gallbladder symptoms seemed to disapear so I stayed to the strict diet, and breastfed wonderfully. I wasn’t making enough milk so i half breast fed half formula fed, but was clearly thrilled to breast feed at all!!!

late december morning I thought i was dying again. My husband suggest i take a vicodin because the symptoms were much different from the gallstones symptoms when i was pregnant. i did, the pain went away. I went and saw a doctor who wanted to order absurd tests on my butt saying its was all an anal problem… so i went to see another doctor and mentioned to him when i was pregnant they said i had gallstones..

went in for an ultrasound, was never called with the results. 4 weeks later i went in, asked them they scheduled an appointment for 2 weeks later, still having lots of attacks now, 2 3 times a day. i went in for a 5 minute conversation with the doctor who said no gallstones were found but reffered me to a surgeon anyways. i had to wait 3 weeks to see the surgeon. He said we were taking it out because it look contracted.

they scheduled surgery for one week later. apparently the gallbladder attack i had on easter never went away.

May 4 was the scheduled surgery, and i did it and i have never felt better. but all that pregnancy and then surgery has left my body warped, i dont even know where hips would start. i exercise most days and eat as healthy as i can afford, some days i still dont eat. But i cant seem to lose the weight. the swelling in my hand finally went away but now the swelling in my legs and ankles are just terrible.

here are pictures i took just now of how my body looks.

But after all that, i would do it again, to have my two beautiful little girls.