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Written on my heart (Anonymous)

August 25, 2010

Previous entry here.

~Age: 22
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 2 year old and 4 months old

Sometimes I feel like I am the only one who has a changed body from pregnancy. I thought that because I was young when I had my children that I would look just like I did before I became pregnant very soon after. I saw pictures of a friend on vacation 6 weeks after having her son wearing a string bikini and looking like she had walked right out of an airbrushed magazine. Shortly after, another friend had a baby. I went to visit her ten days after she had given birth and she told me she weighed 15 lbs less than before she got pregnant. She looked amazing. I thought that going back to picture perfect meant success, and that if that did not happen that something was wrong with me. I thought that it meant that I was somehow acceptable and worthy if I looked as great as some people do. I based my self worth on the expectations I held for myself that were so unrealistic. I know some girls are very lucky and can go through pregnancy and birth with their bodies untouched but that is not true for most. I guess the way I have come to think of it now is that you have got to be happy with what you have and not feel less because you do not look like someone else. This body is the only body I will have and the sooner I can learn to love it, the sooner I can truly enjoy the blessings in my life. If I am looking down at the flaws I see, how can I look outwards and enjoy those around me? I am still on this journey to love myself but in my heart I know that it is worth it to counter what the media is saying to me so I can feel like I am whole and I am worthy, but most of all for my daughters who are looking at me through innocent eyes. They see me looking in the mirror pinching my sides, they see me rubbing my fingers along the imprints on my skin from stretching, they see me scrutinizing myself and they hear the ugly words I use to put down the body that gave them life and wrapped around their tiny bodies to keep them safe. They don’t see a body wrecked as I often do, they see their mother, their protector, the arms that hold them when they are scared, the breasts that nourish them and give them comfort. Their tiny fingers trace the marks on my belly as I tell them about the day I first knew they were going to be, how the tears choked me as I held my unmarked belly overwhelmed by the amazing miracle that was happening. I watched as the months went by in both pregnancies and changed my body and grew my babies well. I remember the quiet moments after their births when we could not believe that they were here, they were real. The marks on my body were proof that I was not dreaming. The marks remind me of the amazing miracles that started so small that no one knew but their father and I until they grew big enough to make their presence known. They tell a story of the kind of love that cannot be explained, it’s the kind of love that is written on a mothers heart like braille. The love of a mother for her child is a bond that cannot be broken, it is a love that is unchanging, it is both fierce and gentle. It is the kind of love that fuses two souls for eternity. The physical act of sharing your body with a precious angel is not something to take lightly, it is one of the greatest of human experiences. So these marks I often scrutinize are not making me less worthy or less whole, in fact, I feel more whole now, I have been so blessed to experience a love I never knew possible.

Updated here.

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14 Responses to “Written on my heart (Anonymous)”

  1. Shannon Says:
    August 25th, 2010 at 8:51 am

    I actually got goose bumps when I read this. I am a young mother too. I got pregnant with my first at 19, and my second at 22. You look beautiful…and this is so well written! It is exactly how I feel :)

  2. Kerry Says:
    August 25th, 2010 at 9:46 am

    Thank you so much for putting into writing everything I feel! You are an amazing woman and you do look terrific. I love how you remind us to not focus on others looks, just this morning I was looking at someones FB birth pictures and someone commented how “you look fantastic, cant even tell you just had a baby” So does that mean those of us who DO look like we’ve had babies don’t look fabulous? Quite the contrary. Thanks for the reminder. :)

  3. Colleen Says:
    August 25th, 2010 at 3:08 pm

    I think this might be one of my favorite entries ever. Thank you, it’s beautifully written :)

    And you look great, too! You are beautiful inside and out.

  4. Jess Says:
    August 25th, 2010 at 3:20 pm

    your entry is beautiful it really is written so well….you look great…. and i can totally relate to all that is said

  5. Mariah Says:
    August 25th, 2010 at 7:25 pm

    I was 27 when I got pregnant, and after a mother who had 2 children and never ended up with a mark, I was MORTIFIED when not only could I NOT lose the weight, I was riddled with stretch marks. I’ve spent the better part of my 18pp months fretting on how to lose all this extra weight. And what is worse, is that in my early 20′s I was a professional athlete! Like the ones you see on billboards!

    Sometimes the change in my body just kills me. I know what you mean about this.

    You look stunning mamma! Don’t let other women’s bodies get you down! *hug*

  6. Sarah P. Says:
    August 25th, 2010 at 9:21 pm

    Your friends are certainly out of the ordinary. And your bikini friend probably owns Photoshop. ;) I think you look fantastic! You have beautiful skin and your tummy has bounced back nicely. You are blessed. :) I love what you wrote. :) I love knowing I gave birth to and nursed my daughter. I’m lucky and can see that on my body. I’ll never forget. Thanks for your words!!! :)

  7. Melissa Says:
    August 25th, 2010 at 10:57 pm

    That was beautiful, thank you for sharing. You look great.

  8. Tracy Says:
    August 25th, 2010 at 11:21 pm

    :)

  9. David Says:
    August 26th, 2010 at 8:43 am

    I loved what you wrote. Thank you for your insight, our bodies female and male are not just for ourselves alone, that would be selfish, but for our children and their children for generations to come. With my wife it is a willing sacrifice to make. She is a great pregnant woman and a great Mother. I see the same in you. Continue building your daughters up they depend on you for that. You, like my wife, are courageous. God Bless you and all those who have shared.

  10. andrea Says:
    August 27th, 2010 at 3:27 pm

    Thank you! Everything you wrote shoudl be given to women after they deliver. This is the only body we will have and it did something amazing sonething some woman can never have.

  11. Astrid Says:
    August 29th, 2010 at 2:02 am

    You are so wise, can’t belive you are only 22 years old. When I was that age, I wasn’t even close to having the insights you have. You are really lucky… all the time and resources you will save not worrying about superficial and unimportant things like numbers on a weight scale and can I wear bikini or jeans or whatever… you keep focus on what is important: loving your self for who you are; your children and your family. Your stomach look so beautiful by the way. I bet your children uses it as a pillow all the time. Thank you for posting and stay strong.

  12. Melissa Says:
    September 1st, 2010 at 1:24 pm

    You look great, and I really felt a closeness as I read what you wrote. I’m 21 (nearly 22), and have a two year old and a 8 month old. It’s quite a life changer in all senses of the term. <3

  13. L Says:
    April 24th, 2011 at 8:29 am

    This post is l;ike reading my own words. Im 23 almost 24 and I feel the same way. I had to cut out tv shows and magazines because I get depressed with my body after seeing all these models and the flat, toned, unmarked tummy I once had 5 years ago. My daugter imitates me in the mirror now the other day I was picking at my stomach thinking of how I need to get it toned. I looked down and she picked up her stomach and was picking at her stomach also. i cried ALOT.. What am I teaching her and what is the media ingraining in me. That Im imperfect becuase I dont look like an anorexic model who looks 12. its not real its all an illusion and we are real women and moms. Like your other post said .. Thank you for sharing that and also your story and pics.. you do look really awesome!

  14. L Says:
    April 24th, 2011 at 8:30 am

    Oops! I meant she picked up her shirt ans was picking at her stomach ..

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