In December of 2007 I got pregnant with my son, I was 23 years old. My then husband deployed when I was 17 weeks pregnant and I went back to live with my parents for 4 months. I didn’t have a job, I was sad because my husband was gone, I was lonely and completely unmotivated. I took being pregnant as permission to eat whatever I wanted and as much as I wanted. When I got pregnant I was about 164 lbs @ 5’7” which looked pretty good on me, I still didn’t love the way my body looked but I would kill to have it back now. I gained around 74 lbs before I had my son. My weight before delivery was 243 lbs I think. My son weighed 7lbs 10oz and was 21” long, born 8 days late via emergency c-section (I was put under.) I lost about 40 lbs in the first few weeks but then gained 20 lbs or so back in the next several months. I just couldn’t get control of my eating. I used food to solve all my problems. I decided it wasn’t worth trying to lose weight because I knew I wanted another baby and why should I lose weight just to get fat again? Yes it was a warped way of thinking, but it gave me an excuse to keep eating the way I wanted to and not take control of my problem. When my son was 13 months old I got pregnant with my daughter (October 2009) at that time I weighted about 225 lbs. I gained maybe 20 lbs with that pregnancy, they didn’t weigh me before I gave birth so I can’t be sure. My daughter was born on the day of her scheduled c-section via VBAC weighing 8lbs 4oz and 21” long. My daughter will be 10 ½ months old next week and I weigh 216 lbs still. I struggle every day with my eating habits and am working very hard to get them under control. When I was 35 weeks pregnant I split from my husband and moved back home. Since then I have been raising our children alone as we like 800 miles apart. It has been a struggle for me and I find myself repulsive, I have always had issues with body image and I don’t know if I will ever be good enough for myself. I worry that I will never find someone who can love and accept me for myself. All I see is this fat ugly body and I also come with 2 children. Who wouldn’t want to pass that up? So here I am sharing my story and my pictures hoping to find acceptance and a little understanding. My babies mean everything to me and I try to remember that as I hate on my body. This body that I have ended up with is my own fault and I think that is harder to accept than anything else. If I just would have exercised a little control while I was pregnant with my son I wouldn’t have gained so much weight, and then maybe I wouldn’t be stuck with this misshapen stomach that may never look normal again no matter how much weight I lose.
Number of pregnancies: 2
Number of births: 2
Age of Children: 2 ½ and 10 ½ months
Pictures: pre-pregnancy, today x3, my daughter, my son