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Will Anyone Love this Body Again? (Rebecca)

July 19, 2011

In December of 2007 I got pregnant with my son, I was 23 years old. My then husband deployed when I was 17 weeks pregnant and I went back to live with my parents for 4 months. I didn’t have a job, I was sad because my husband was gone, I was lonely and completely unmotivated. I took being pregnant as permission to eat whatever I wanted and as much as I wanted. When I got pregnant I was about 164 lbs @ 5’7” which looked pretty good on me, I still didn’t love the way my body looked but I would kill to have it back now. I gained around 74 lbs before I had my son. My weight before delivery was 243 lbs I think. My son weighed 7lbs 10oz and was 21” long, born 8 days late via emergency c-section (I was put under.) I lost about 40 lbs in the first few weeks but then gained 20 lbs or so back in the next several months. I just couldn’t get control of my eating. I used food to solve all my problems. I decided it wasn’t worth trying to lose weight because I knew I wanted another baby and why should I lose weight just to get fat again? Yes it was a warped way of thinking, but it gave me an excuse to keep eating the way I wanted to and not take control of my problem. When my son was 13 months old I got pregnant with my daughter (October 2009) at that time I weighted about 225 lbs. I gained maybe 20 lbs with that pregnancy, they didn’t weigh me before I gave birth so I can’t be sure. My daughter was born on the day of her scheduled c-section via VBAC weighing 8lbs 4oz and 21” long. My daughter will be 10 ½ months old next week and I weigh 216 lbs still. I struggle every day with my eating habits and am working very hard to get them under control. When I was 35 weeks pregnant I split from my husband and moved back home. Since then I have been raising our children alone as we like 800 miles apart. It has been a struggle for me and I find myself repulsive, I have always had issues with body image and I don’t know if I will ever be good enough for myself. I worry that I will never find someone who can love and accept me for myself. All I see is this fat ugly body and I also come with 2 children. Who wouldn’t want to pass that up? So here I am sharing my story and my pictures hoping to find acceptance and a little understanding. My babies mean everything to me and I try to remember that as I hate on my body. This body that I have ended up with is my own fault and I think that is harder to accept than anything else. If I just would have exercised a little control while I was pregnant with my son I wouldn’t have gained so much weight, and then maybe I wouldn’t be stuck with this misshapen stomach that may never look normal again no matter how much weight I lose.

Age: 26
Number of pregnancies: 2
Number of births: 2
Age of Children: 2 ½ and 10 ½ months
Pictures: pre-pregnancy, today x3, my daughter, my son

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11 Responses to “Will Anyone Love this Body Again? (Rebecca)”

  1. Kayla Says:
    July 19th, 2011 at 8:51 am

    I was honestly expecting to see some pretty awful looking pictures the way you spoke of yourself. I think you are way too hard on yourself! Your tummy is far from ruined! And your breasts look better than mine and I have only had one child. I can tell you have a nice butt too from the 2nd picture. We are all our own worst critic and you see yourself differently than other people see you.

  2. Stacy Says:
    July 19th, 2011 at 9:15 am

    Seek you inner beauty and it will reflect outward, in your body and confidence. I too have been 240 with pregnancies. I have had 6 children, and as you can imagine, my body is a wreck in the eyes of standard society. But I have worked very hard to get healthy, now about 141 pounds, after years and years of struggle and it feels awesome. I may never look like my teenage, pre-pregnancy body, but I am healthy and can do the things that I want to do for myself and with my children. You are a beautiful woman, worthy of love.

  3. Melissa Says:
    July 19th, 2011 at 10:11 am

    Hi! I have a similar frame and build. I am 9 months PP I was 175 at 5’6 (almost 5/7) when I got pregnant and got up to 235 when I had her via C-section. I am down to 200-205 and continue to work on it everyday. My daughter’s father and I had a very toxic relationship, and I ended it in January. I didn’t think anyone could find me attractive, or even consider entering in a relationship as I had the attachment of my daughter, and even my step-son (my daughters half brother). BUT someone did stumble into my life, and he is absolutely amazing. He enjoys my company, plays with my daughter constantly and I wonder if he likes her more than me sometimes. :) I know it’s a hard journey, but work hard on accepting yourself for who you are now, and not who you were prior to your children. Your kids aren’t going to see the ugly that you see, they are going to see their mommy who would do anything for them, and will love you no matter what you look like. I honestly think you look pretty damn good! If you choose to work out and lose weight then more power to ya! I wish you the best in your endeavors.

  4. nicky Says:
    July 19th, 2011 at 2:09 pm

    It’s sad that you feel low about your looks. as your children get older, try not to pass these negative views onto them. You’ll be doing your daughter a fantastic service if you help her to focus on her achievements and qualities and feel confident about who she is.
    Check out the tips in ‘Body Image in the primary school’ by Chris Calland and nicky Hutchinson
    nicky

  5. mrspetunia Says:
    July 19th, 2011 at 5:31 pm

    Stacy got it right, you are a beautiful woman worthy of love!!! I think one of the most painful experiences a person can endure is feeling like they are undeserving of even basic love and compassion. It sounds like you feel completely unworthy since “if I would have just exercised a little control and not gained weight” etc. etc. etc. These feelings of unworthiness are so toxic and just so untrue. You are worthy! You are bravely raising two children on your own, you writing is heartfelt and compelling, and your body is beautiful- nice rack and butt :) I hope you can see the beauty that I’m sure is evident to those around you.

  6. Apryl Says:
    July 19th, 2011 at 9:50 pm

    You look a lot better than you realize. But even if you didn’t, honey, being a bit overweight does NOT mean no one will ever want you again.

    But you are beautiful. Please find that in yourself.

  7. Brit Says:
    July 19th, 2011 at 10:09 pm

    I exercised NO control while pregnant with my son and could kick myself for it. I still have all 40lbs I gained from that pregnancy and have yet to drop one. I am going on 15months PP so that is kind of sad. I need to step it up. I think you look great just keep working at it! Good luck!

  8. Farah Says:
    July 20th, 2011 at 8:36 am

    You look great! Please see it in yourself. You will find love the moment you honestly believe that you are worthy of it!

  9. Lora Says:
    July 20th, 2011 at 9:01 am

    For one, I think you look amazing! I struggled a lot with my body after having my first child. I felt ruined, and my view was, if I cant love what I see in the mirror, why would anyone else?? It took me years to realize, that it was within myself to make a change. I had to stop focusing on the past, on how I use to look, on the coulda-woulda-shoulda’s during my pregnancy…I had to focus on the here and now. And that simple fact was, I didn’t like the way I looked, so I changed what was in my power to change. I started eating healthy, forcing myself to exercise even when I was so tired. I constantly reminded myself, “This is for me, Do this for yourself”, and after almost a year and a half, I was finally back down to my pre-pregnancy weight. I still have stretch marks everywhere, and my tummy still sags in places. My breasts don’t sit the way they did before, but I still find myself feeling AMAZING!! I worked hard to look good in my clothes, and my scars underneath are a testament of the love I have for my child. The scars will probably always be there. For the longest time I thought they made me ugly, now I feel beautiful in them. I feel like they show who I truly am, and that, is a mother. I am a Mother, and mother’s bear scars for the children! And I figure, that if a man couldn’t love me for ME, and love what I had to endure for my child, then its a man I don’t want in my life!!

  10. Robert Bennington Wier Says:
    September 17th, 2011 at 11:04 pm

    I would suggest you stop looking at yourself in the mirror and consider three points:

    1. What effect will my eating disorders have in my children’s lives?

    2. How will I create a quality environment for my children if I do not find a male partner who treats me with dignity regardless of what my body looks like?

    3. If and when I begin to look for a new partner, what mistakes that have occured in my first relationship that I can learn from; and what is my responsibility to not make these same mistakes again? What do I have to change about myself so that I do not end up with the same type of man as my first husband all over again?

  11. jt Says:
    December 28th, 2011 at 10:18 pm

    i have two babies 3 and 5. If you don’t love the way you look, you CAN change it. Some people will love and accept you just the way you are, and they are wonderful, but if you don’t accept yourself, then do something about it. After my last baby turned 3, something just clicked inside me and I made the decision to take better care of myself AND get back my body. I am reading so many articles on here about people accepting their bodies and just giving up because they don’t think it’s possible. Guess what, I am my pre preggo weight now and have very little sagging skin anymore. I met someone recently that I completely fell in love with and he absolutely loves my body. I will say that falling in love gave me extreme motivation to look better. That helped ALOT, but I actually started before I even met him.

    as for details: I was 105 pre preggo and gained 60 with my first and 45 with my second. It took me a year to get down to my prepreggo weight but had lots of stretchies and loose skin. I only recently rubbed MSM cream on my stretch marked areas and I take gelatin (which is almost pure collagen, and breaks down into the building blocks needed by your body to generate more collagen, my body responded amazingly fast by firming up everywhere, especially thighs). I got this info from researching the internet. I also did crunches and other exercises by going onto youtube and finding out what the best workouts were to target certain areas. I love my body now, it’s even better than pre-preggo because my belly is shapelier with the workouts. It can be done easier than you think, don’t give up.

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