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Who am I? (Anonymous)

September 7, 2010

Age 26
2 pregnancy’s, 2 boys

I’ve been on this site alot over the last year or so and have never done an entry. I love this site it has helped me out through some bad days, today is one of those days, and I finally decided to send this in.
I met my husband when I was 17 we got engaged 9 months later…. just after my graduation, we moved in together in a new city thinking I was going to go to college, nope…….I have always suffered from self – esteem issues since a little girl and a little bit of deppression and when we moved it came out stronger. I didn’t know what I wanted to do anymore, my friends were doing there own things and I was stuck. We got married a year later like planned and got pregnant when I was 20 I had our first baby boy at 21, pre-babe I was 5.9 and 130 pounds (looking at pictures of me back then I wish I wasn’t so hard on myself) after babe 193 lbs. and stretch marks from armpits to calves along with cellulite. I had spotting at the beginning of pregnancy due to blood type factors and it scared me out of doing my pilates which I loved to do. I got postpardum depression immediately with my first and from lack of bonding with my baby my therapist figures thats why we don’t get along so great :( A few months after our first I stood in front of my husband naked and asked him to tell me the truth (not knowing the truth is not what I was expecting) and asked if he thought I was as attractive as I used to be…….He said “no”. Almost 5 years later I am still having major troubles with it, I can’t get naked in front of him, I can’t wear a bathing suit (beaches and sunbathing being what I used to love) and I cry almost every time I look in the mirror. My husband tries saying that he doesnt know why he said no but that I look as good as I used too. Too late its always up there now. It took along time to want another baby after that. 3 yrs and 5 months later we had our second son this time the post pardum depression waited a couple months then came on strong, 16 months later I still am having a rough time. If my husband didnt find me as attractive after the first what about now at 217lbs. between the depression, anti-depressants and pregnancy the weight just keeps going up. I have no close friends and after my second baby I started getting really bad anxiety and panic attacks and sometimes couldnt leave the house. Its made it hard to meet people and continue a normal life, I feel like I dont know who I am anymore, no friends, family who I feel, feel obligated to help out, a husband I feel I cant trust anymore and fight with constantly and rarely have sex or feel wanted ( I know its half my fault) , I feel like a horrible, lazy mom. Some days I wonder if I was really meant to be a mom. I love my husband and Kids so much, but it just feels like way to much most of the time right now. I feel lost and I dont know where to turn. Thanks again for this site, it does help…..keep the posts coming.

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5 Responses to “Who am I? (Anonymous)”

  1. k Says:
    September 7th, 2010 at 8:29 am

    I really feel for you. It sounds like your husband seriously wounded you with that ‘no’, and I would feel the same- betrayed and hurt. Would he be willing to go to couples therapy with you? It’s not healthy or fair to go through life unable to trust your partner, and it seems like you feel really alone.. and nobody should have to feel that way in a marriage.

    it sounds like you are totally drained and feel like you have no support… besides coming to some common ground w your husband, you need friends. i know its easier said than done and i know time must be very scarce for you but have you tried sites like meetup to find other women in your area with common interests, or even striking up conversation with another mom at the playground or storytime at the library?

    going along with that, what did you used to enjoy doing besides going to the beach? maybe reconnecting with some things that YOU like to do will help you gain a sense of self again.. you aren’t just a mom or a wife, you are a human being yourself and you deserve to be mentally stimulated and loved.

    i felt so sad reading your story and hope that things are looking up for you soon.

  2. Bonnie (SOAM) Says:
    September 7th, 2010 at 10:19 am

    Is your therapist insinuating that your lack of early bonding with your child is what caused you and him to have a difficult relationship? Because that is the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard. (Forgive my language, I felt it was appropriate.) I didn’t bond closely with my daughter terribly early on – it was a gradual bond that I didn’t even notice happening until she was about 5 months old. She and I are quite close. I’m also thinking of families who adopt older children who have close relationships despite not KNOWING their kids at birth and those kids likely coming from less-than-ideal situations.

    Mama, let that go. It’s NOT your fault. I don’t know anything about your son, but I am going to go out on a limb here and ask if you think he might be a spirited child? I’d look into that, or other types of personalities that might cause a child to require more energy.

    I hope you find some healing soon, you are a beautiful person and you deserve to feel that way.

  3. renee Says:
    September 7th, 2010 at 11:15 am

    First off – Your therapist sounds like a arse hole – excuse my language.

    Secondly – your husband I’m sure is so regretful for saying no (and so he should be), I’m not one to talk, as 9 months later I still don’t get naked in front of my partner, but just do it, get naked. He will love you, for who you are, especailly after carrying n giving birth to your two children.

    POst some pics of yourself. I’m sure your body isn’t even half as bad as what you think it is. I didn’t on my first one and it took me several months before I got the guts to, but you know what it made me feel that little bit better about myself. N that little bit better, is gradually, although slowly, beginning to get more n more. The support that us mums give on this site is amazing and so inspiring. It took a whole load of strangers for me to begin to like things about myself. It really did help my self-esteem. This site to me is my therapy, it really is.

    Just try and love yourself, as I too am trying to do!!! :-)

  4. Marz Says:
    September 7th, 2010 at 10:25 pm

    It’s possible your husband just didn’t clarify his response. Maybe he doesn’t think you’re AS attractive as you once were, but that he feels the same way about himself; or that you’re still very attractive to him– a number of things besides weight and stretch marks can weigh on a man’s opinion of what’s attractive.
    I agree your therapist is a jerkoff. Get new one, seriously. One that will help you get through issues that are actually your own, not try to make everything your fault.
    You gotta leave the house though, chica. I’m agoraphobic and I have panic attacks around crowds of people, but despite that I’ll get depressed if I stay inside too long. Also, some of your weight gain may be caused by those antidepressants (I had a friend who gained 40 lbs in about a month because of her particular prescription). You might ask your doctor to put you on a different kind– they’re supposed to help with depression, not act like a placebo or make it worse.
    Try talking to your husband more… I hated my body for years, even went so far as to cut myself numerous times. My husband helped me overcome that. You just have to be honest with each other. I’m sure your man still finds you attractive, just ask him :) Tell him what you find attractive about him too. He might be feeling down himself if he can’t figure out why you don’t want to be naked with him (… in all honesty, I mean… he’s a man, you really do need to come out and say it sometimes, lol).
    I wish you all the happiness in the world, chica. You may not think you deserve it, but anyone who is so willing to give and sacrifice for their family– who loves their family so much– most definitely deserves happiness :D

  5. mrs. petunia Says:
    September 8th, 2010 at 5:28 pm

    Thank you SO much for sharing your story! It’s so brave to let it all hang out like that. Even though I’ve never had kids, I can relate with a lot of your pain and anxiety and depression and just feeling like it is all too much. As far as the therapist goes, you’ve just given us a glimpse into your relationship and their personality, but it does sound as though you may not be making the kind of progress you want. It may not hurt to shop around for a therapist that’s better or a better fit. I know I went to two different therapists before I finally found the one that actually made a difference. It’s still hard work, trust me, but at least you get somewhere. Remember, change is possible and sharing on this site may just be the first step! Also, I’d also encourage you to make that leap and post some pictures! It’s scary but I think it also might help in the healing process. Thanks again, you are an amazing woman who deserves to be happy!

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