2 pregnancy’s, 2 boys
I’ve been on this site alot over the last year or so and have never done an entry. I love this site it has helped me out through some bad days, today is one of those days, and I finally decided to send this in.
I met my husband when I was 17 we got engaged 9 months later…. just after my graduation, we moved in together in a new city thinking I was going to go to college, nope…….I have always suffered from self – esteem issues since a little girl and a little bit of deppression and when we moved it came out stronger. I didn’t know what I wanted to do anymore, my friends were doing there own things and I was stuck. We got married a year later like planned and got pregnant when I was 20 I had our first baby boy at 21, pre-babe I was 5.9 and 130 pounds (looking at pictures of me back then I wish I wasn’t so hard on myself) after babe 193 lbs. and stretch marks from armpits to calves along with cellulite. I had spotting at the beginning of pregnancy due to blood type factors and it scared me out of doing my pilates which I loved to do. I got postpardum depression immediately with my first and from lack of bonding with my baby my therapist figures thats why we don’t get along so great :( A few months after our first I stood in front of my husband naked and asked him to tell me the truth (not knowing the truth is not what I was expecting) and asked if he thought I was as attractive as I used to be…….He said “no”. Almost 5 years later I am still having major troubles with it, I can’t get naked in front of him, I can’t wear a bathing suit (beaches and sunbathing being what I used to love) and I cry almost every time I look in the mirror. My husband tries saying that he doesnt know why he said no but that I look as good as I used too. Too late its always up there now. It took along time to want another baby after that. 3 yrs and 5 months later we had our second son this time the post pardum depression waited a couple months then came on strong, 16 months later I still am having a rough time. If my husband didnt find me as attractive after the first what about now at 217lbs. between the depression, anti-depressants and pregnancy the weight just keeps going up. I have no close friends and after my second baby I started getting really bad anxiety and panic attacks and sometimes couldnt leave the house. Its made it hard to meet people and continue a normal life, I feel like I dont know who I am anymore, no friends, family who I feel, feel obligated to help out, a husband I feel I cant trust anymore and fight with constantly and rarely have sex or feel wanted ( I know its half my fault) , I feel like a horrible, lazy mom. Some days I wonder if I was really meant to be a mom. I love my husband and Kids so much, but it just feels like way to much most of the time right now. I feel lost and I dont know where to turn. Thanks again for this site, it does help…..keep the posts coming.