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Was it All Worth it? (Emily)

November 11, 2010

Age-20
Number of pregnancies-2, One birth, One abortion
Post Partum 4 years

My story starts at the age of 15. I met my first love at my sophomore Homecoming Dance. I was dancing with a guy friend of his when he came up and starting talking to us. I immediately thought he was cute. He was two years older which also apealed to me. We danced and at the end of the dance i got his number. We started dating a week later and i lost my virginity to him 4 days after we started dating. I was very naive to have sex so soon. He used protection at first but after awhile we stopped. We were very much in love or atleast at the time we thought so. After dating for a litlle over 2 months i found out i was pregnant. I actually found out when i went to the doctor with my mom to get on the pill. I was very upset by this but i had my family and my boyfriends support. We considered abortion but ended up not doing it and we decided to give the baby up. As the months progressed we started feeling the baby move and decided we couldn’t part with him or her. We soon found out it was a she and were very excited. My boyfriend was great and spent every minute with me that he wasn’t working. We decided before she was born to name her Isabelle Corrin. I was 102lbs and 5’3 before i got pregnant and by the time i had her i was 148lbs. I got strethc marks everywhere and being young and naive i thought they would just disapear after she was born. She was born on September 15th 2006. The next two months were miserable. Her father and I split up temporarily and there was complete chaos. After a month and a half of trying to be parents we realized we weren’t fit to be parents yet. I was 16 and he was 18 and we weren’t accomplishing our goals and we were both very depressed. We told our family we were going to give her up for adoption and of course they were upset. We were as well because we did love our daughter. We ended up giving her up legally to her fathers aunt and uncle who already had 3 children and were great parents. That was final in March 07, but we handed her over to them in November 06. In december of 06 my boyfriend and the babies father joined the National guard. And with the stress of the adoption and fear for him having to deploy i packed back on the 20lbs i had lost right after the birth. When he left for basic in June of 07 i was 142lbs i worked hard over the 4 months he was gone to get down to 130. It wasn’t easy for me to lose weight and i wish i would have lost more that summer. Over the next two years i stayed around that weight and was very insecure and that caused alot of problems with my ex and i. We ended up breaking up around our 3 year anniversary. After the break up i lost 10lbs and was at 120lbs. I was very happy with how i looked and for months i maintained that weight until i got pregnant by a guy i had been serious with for 4 months. I was pregnant 9 weeks before i had an abortion and ended up gaining 10lbs in that 9 weeks. So once again i was really insecure. Ended up staying with that guy for 5 more months after the abortion until i met my wonderful fiance. He is great and i love him so much! But i still struggled with my insecuriets even though he always gave me compliments. Took me like 10 months into our relationship to actually feel confident. I lost 17lbs and got down to my lowest weight of 113. I am now 115-117 depending on the week of my cycle. I still have some insecurities but not as much. I am going to start exercising to tone up my body more in these next 8 months my fiance is deployed. We have lived together for the last year and been together 15months. I love him to death and hope he comes home safelly. He will finally be out of the guard when he returns.

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16 Responses to “Was it All Worth it? (Emily)”

  1. Sheila Says:
    November 11th, 2010 at 10:05 pm

    You look terrific, stop worrying :) Great boobs btw!

  2. Kerry Says:
    November 13th, 2010 at 7:11 am

    You look amazing! And as Sheila said.. AWESOME boobs!

  3. Emily Says:
    November 13th, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    Thanks to both of you! I get better everyday but still have some bad days!

  4. Nessa Says:
    November 13th, 2010 at 6:26 pm

    You look great but I don’t know about your title. Is what all worth it? Having the baby or your dieting to get back to shape?

    I’m going to assume its not about having Isabelle since it seems that you are completely detached from the poor child.

    I think what you’ve gone through has affected you psychologically. I hope one day you realize that relationships are more than your figure. It seems you stood stuck in that mentality

  5. Belle Says:
    November 14th, 2010 at 9:10 am

    you look great. i would die to look like you

  6. Emily Says:
    November 14th, 2010 at 7:15 pm

    Nessa, the title is about Isabelle. I do wonder was it really worth it to put my body threw hell to come out of it all empty handed. I am detached from my child, it has been 4 years since her adoption. I wasn’t even really attached in the first place.

    I am aware relationships are not all about your body. But how could i be happy and be able to make my partner happy if i was so insecure. It was impossible to be in a good mood looking how i used to look, overweight that is.

    I am so much happier being in a size 0. I am young, and looking good is still important to me and it does effect my personality greatly.

  7. proudmamae Says:
    November 15th, 2010 at 5:48 am

    You ask if it was all worth it to put your body through hell to bring a little soul into this world? Of course it was. You might be empty handed but that was your choice. And if you feel that it was the right choice for all involved, then you have to accept that and move on. Just think that there’s this little person out there making her parents happy because YOU gave birth to her.

    I don’t think being a size 0 is what will make you happy ultimately. But you know what, at 20 I probably felt the same way. Although I was never even close to being a size 0 even when I was underweight.

    You do look good, you can’t tell you had a child. Be thankful for bouncing back and by all means take care of you body and exercise if that makes you feel better. But just remember that you are more than just a dress size.

    Peace

  8. Anna Says:
    November 16th, 2010 at 3:38 pm

    Im 23 years old and could care less about being a size zero, I used to be a size 2 and now im a size 10 and sometimes I have a hard time becuase I have a big c-section apron and small saggy boobs…. I find it insulting you would even say anythign bad about your body.. because I’m trying not to judge mine in comparison to yours. I would do it all over and over again even if I didn’t havd my daughter. Just the thought that I brought her into the world gives me inner peace inside. I hope you can find the same, because otherwise you could carry a burden that heavy for the rest of your life. I had an eating disorder for many years really bad and I know how it can change your persecption of your self having poor body image or self esteem. Im telling you though the way you appear is not what you should be concerned about right now. It shoudl be about everything you went through and getting some help talking about the emotions and issues behind it.

  9. Emily Says:
    November 16th, 2010 at 6:07 pm

    Everyone says i need help to deal with what i went through but it doesn’t really bother me. What is wrong with wanting to look good? Nothing is wrong with that. And what is wrong with wishing you could have had the adolescence everyone deserves. Nothing is wrong with that. I should have been able to have that normal high school experience but i made dumb decisions and had to pay consequences. I don’t see how no one thinks its silly to give all of things up that are important to young teenage girls and not even come out of it with the child! It wasn’t a choice to keep the child because my sanity would not let me. And from the moment she was born i knew what i had done was wrong. Regret flooded by body and i will not be ashamed or made to feel like i need help for feeling differently than others may feel. I am mentally a 15 year old most of the time. I do not cry about giving the baby, i cry about what (I) LOST. I went through alot before that baby. My father died, my mother did drugs married a man who did herroin in front of me at age 4, i was molested at age 5, my second step dad killed himself when i was 6 and i found him dead my mother remarried a man who belittled me everyday for 6 years and his son attempted rape on several occasions. I should not have been having a baby i was way to fragile to start with.

  10. Chelsea Says:
    November 17th, 2010 at 9:01 am

    Emily, there is nothing wrong with wanting to feel good about your body. That is what this site was made for. And you did nothing wrong by giving your daughter up. If you aren’t ready to be a parent then you aren’t benefiting anyone by trying to assume the role. The baby is better off with people who are ready and you are better off having the ability to live how you want to. Please ignore the nasty comments. I think they are more motivated by jealousy than any real concern for your daughter or yourself.

  11. Emily Says:
    November 17th, 2010 at 11:55 am

    Thank you Chelsea,i agree. Brooke is a lot more happy with amazing parents! She even has 3 brothers and sisters and gets everything she wants and needs!

  12. Bonnie (SOAM) Says:
    November 17th, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    Emily, my personal opinion is that it is OK to feel good about how you look. But genuine happiness, I think, is not tied to a number. I hope you can love yourself if you are a size 2 or 4 or 6 or 16. I think that is what most people are trying to say: that you are beautiful no matter your size or shape. Truly.

    As for your wondering if it’s worth it, I think if you keep your mind on how well that little girl is doing, how happy she is and how happy she is making the world around her, then, yes, it’s worth it. You brought joy into the world.

    I wish lots of peace and healing and beauty for you for your whole life.

  13. Anna Says:
    November 17th, 2010 at 4:25 pm

    The only reason that I think something is wrong, is because your saying there is nothing wrong with wanting to look good. In my eyes when I look at your pictures I think you look incredible. I am entremley envious of your post pardom body. So I just don’t understand if what your saying is you think you do not look good? You look amazing to me anyways.

  14. Kate Says:
    December 3rd, 2010 at 9:14 am

    Even though you look WAY better than pretty much everyone on earth!!! and I am jealous of your body… I do understand how hard it is to accept our new bodies after pregnancy, an i couldnt imagine having to do it without having my daughter in my arms. I believe you have a LOT of healing ahead of you because you need to love yourself, not just your body but i dont think you are selfish or vain, dont let people tell you you are

  15. Izzy Says:
    December 24th, 2010 at 1:23 pm

    Emily, im so sorry for everything youve been through…i just want to let you know that you look absolutely wonderful :) I too am a young mom but im nowhere close to looking that good..keep your head up and dont let anyone bring you down, especially if they dont know what go’s on on the other side of the screen

  16. Emily Says:
    May 17th, 2012 at 8:00 am

    Update–Ended up leaving the fiance. I started hanging out with an old friend during his deployment and we fell in love. I left out a lot about him in this post. He was not faithful and was abusive. Now i live with my boyfriend Michael, the friend i reconnected with. He is the most wonderful man i have ever met and i mean that. Never laid a hand on me and treats me like a queen. I am close with his family as well and couldn’t be happier. We just celebrated our 1yr and looking forward to more. If i can find my way out of a depressing relationship and find a meaningful one then anyone can. Friends first makes all the difference. I still struggle with insecurity, i still linger between 115-120 but i feel like i have lost muscle tone and replaced with a little fat but i still feel good in his arms:))))

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