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Uncomfortable in my own skin (Becky)

March 18, 2009

Age: 29
2 pregnancies and 3 births
Ages of children: 8yo, 4 mo twins (4 months 1 week postpartum)

My life has been about many journeys. My husband and I got married when we were 18. Of course most people thought I was pregnant… I got pregnant at 20 and had our daughter right before I turned 21. It was a pretty uneventful pregnancy with no complications. Natalee arrived on her due date October 20th 2000. I was about 175 lb when I got pregnant with her and gained 50 lbs with her landing me at 225 on the day I gave birth. She left me with a road map of stretch marks from my belly button down to my pubic area. I was able to lose about 30 lbs after her birth and stayed around 195 or so for the last 8 years.

I can’t say I was entirely happy with how heavy I was, but I did like the curves that came with gaining a little weight. In January of 2008, my husband and I decided (after much begging!) to have one more baby. And so another journey begins. I went off the pill and by February 2008 I was pregnant. I was so happy! I had my first OB appointment on March 28th… I will NEVER forget that day because it changed our entire life as we know it. My OB did my first ultrasound and discovered I was carrying twins! I thought I was going to pass out on the table… I think I went through every emotion in the book!! We found out in May that they were boys and 70% chance identical. Again I had a very uneventful pregnancy. No issues with high blood pressure, no scares, no hospital visits… I could no longer bend over once I hit 25 weeks… and by 36 weeks I was begging to be induced. He finally induced me on October 20th 2008…. If your keeping track, that was also my daughters birthday. I went in to the hospital at 11 am had my water broken and pitocin started by 1:30 pm and was rolled into the OR at 3:30 pm. Silas arrived at 3:59 pm and Marcus at 4:05pm. Marcus was a little harder delivery because he was breech. He did not breath right away and once he did start breathing his apgar scores were very low (3 and 5).

They are 4 months old now. When I look at my body in the mirror, its not mine. I don’t know where I am, but its not me that I see. I see a woman with stretchmarks and fat rolls and breasts that are obscene and gross…. Don’t get me wrong… I am thankful every day for the wonderful job my body did in carrying my babies. I gained 46 with my boys and have only managed to lose 20 so far. I am uncomfortable in my own skin… and I don’t like the feeling… So now I begin a new journey to find me inside here…

The pictures are 25 weeks, 32 weeks, 36 weeks 3 days, 4 months pp, and my happy boys.

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13 Responses to “Uncomfortable in my own skin (Becky)”

  1. taiyo Says:
    March 18th, 2009 at 9:48 am

    You are beautiful, and just remember that you don’t have to “find” yourself again– you are where you’ve always been. I find it hard, as well, sometimes thinking “where did I go” but I think the journey toward healing and self-acceptance begins with recognizing that YOU have not gone anywhere, your body has just changed. What beautiful twins! Congratulations.

  2. lilly Says:
    March 18th, 2009 at 10:10 am

    Congratulations on your beautiful family!!
    I think you did great on weight management,right now you’re only about 10 lbs more than after the first baby, for twins!!! That deserves respect!
    Give yourself more time to accept your new body image, it takes time…
    Also it took you 9 months to have the babies, so it may take another 5 months for your figure to stabilize..
    One thing I really enjoy is the “walk at home” dvds by leslie Sansone. It’s easy, soft and keep you in shape, and you can do some of it with a baby in tow (I don’t know how to do with two though…)

    Good luck and congrats again :)

  3. Sierra Says:
    March 18th, 2009 at 6:37 pm

    As a proud mother of a 6 ytear old girl and identical twin girls (39 months old now), I can say from experiance that it does get better.

    I might not ever be able to get into a bikini, but really in the scheme of things, who cares? Your boys are beautiful and so are you. I’m still haven’t lost the last 25lb from my babies but I just try to be healthy and set a good example to my kids. P.S at 4.5 months post-partum you a) look pretty damn good and b) have enough guts to post here so be proud of yourself.

  4. April Says:
    March 18th, 2009 at 7:35 pm

    Congratulations! Your boys are adorable.
    Lilly is right. It has only been 4 months. Give yourself some time.

  5. Sarah Says:
    March 19th, 2009 at 9:17 am

    Hi Becky,

    I am glad you told our group about this website. This is so positive. My tummy looks like yours and many others on here. Us twin moms have to stick together!

    -Sarah

  6. Sarah Says:
    March 21st, 2009 at 5:30 pm

    I’m glad you found this community! There are a ton of supportive moms on here and your babies are so beautiful and so are you! :D

  7. Susan Says:
    March 24th, 2009 at 12:24 am

    I am also a mother of two beautiful twin boys, they are now almost 3 months old. My body looks very similar to yours and everyone tells me I am doing amazing considering I carried two babies. As other people have said, you take 9 months for your body to gain all the fluid, babies, etc, etc. so it takes time to go back. Give yourself a break – your body has done an amazing thing, just keep looking at those boys and they will remind you every day the amazing woman you are. I am glad to see this website for woman who can share their experiences especially with delivering twins. PS You and your boys look wonderful!!!

  8. Ashley Says:
    March 24th, 2009 at 9:07 pm

    I read this and thought I was reading something I wrote…and looking at my own pictures. My body is shaped nearly EXACTLY the same as yours…and I have the same feelings as you about it. I am 22 and a first time mother. I am thankful every day for my gorgeous son…but I stare at myself in the mirror and just feel like it isn’t me at all….I look at pictures before the pregnancy (70 pounds lighter) and cry. If you don’t mind, I would like if you emailed me….maybe we can boost eachother’s morale…because you seem like you are having as much trouble as I am. I’m looking forward to hearing from you!!!
    Mammalozo@aol.com

  9. Taina Says:
    March 26th, 2009 at 2:08 pm

    OMG they are sooo precious. You sure did deliver some beautiful babies ;0

  10. MommyNamedApril Says:
    April 4th, 2009 at 12:22 pm

    oh, we could be body twins… except my stretch marks start above my belly button and go nearly to my knees! and i’ve only carried singletons. i know what you mean though… my body feels foreign to me too :-/

  11. babygoose85 Says:
    April 9th, 2009 at 9:20 pm

    What’s funny is that I’ve seen your boys before! I’ve seen your post in a certain community on livejournal.com.

    Your boys are beautiful.

  12. Idoia Says:
    May 23rd, 2009 at 6:06 pm

    Thanks so much for sharing your story and photos. I totally understand how rough it is to go from one body to another. I had twins in November ’08. In my mind, my body looks one way, and I’m always shocked to see in the mirror that I don’t look the way I feel. Remember, you’re very freshly post-partum and your body will change a lot, just a little bit day by day though. Your boys are adorable and you did a GREAT job of carrying them!

  13. jill Says:
    June 3rd, 2009 at 6:50 pm

    I know exactly how you feel. I used to be in great shape before the babies and right after ,I felt like I didn’t recognize my own reflection. I gained 85 lbs with my boys though! I lost 50 right away and am still working on the other 35, I guess it’s going to be a little harder for me because I’m 35! I started walking at 3-4 months pp, then have added some great workout videos that I got cheap on Amazon.com (kettlebells, kickboxing, and a bootcamp for moms). I love my boys, my life and on some days my body. After a few more months, things will start to look recognizable to you and then you will have your body back sooner than you know it! I also started eating better when my boys started solids, I figure if they eat mostly fruits, veggies and whole grains, i should too!

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