No of pregnancies and births: 4 and 1 live birth
Post partum: 9 weeks
Having lost 3 babies I never thought I would become a mother. In may heart I blamed myself and after my last miscarriage in 2006 I spent 2 years trying for another baby so by the end of 2008 I had decided to be happy with not having children. So when the pregnancy test came back positive in January 2009 I was slightly dismayed. I know I should have been happy but I had finally accepted my circumstances and now I had to think again. As a result I didn’t enjoy the first few months of pregnancy with constant nausea, tiredness and weight gain but by the 2nd trimester I had come to terms with things and was beginning to enjoy my pregnancy and my body. I really liked the changes in my body and I especially loved being able to celebrate my tummy getting bigger and the lovely baby that I knew was growing inside. I had no real problems with the pregnancy but when my waters broke and the contractions did not start I waited another 4 days before finally going into hospital to be induced. I had hoped for a home water birth using hypnobirthing techniques but ended up with an induced, forceps delivery and an episiotomy to boot. It couldn’t have been more traumatic as little one was back to back (hence waters breaking and no contractions) and when I finally held her I was too in shock to really take in how wonderful she was.
That said I am grateful for my little girl and so far have felt fairly happy with my body. I was at my fittest and lowest weight just before I got pregnant (5ft 5inches and 133lbs) and I gained 41lbs when I was pregnant. So far I have lost 19lbs (currently weigh 155lbs) and at least 10lbs of that was baby and placenta. I am breast feeding and am fairly active in the day carrying my now 12lb baby in a sling everyday so I think that helps.
Although things are wobblier and my boobs are a bit saggier I’m trying not to expect too much from myself and to accept that bodies change all the time whether through pregnancy or with age so acceptance will always be necessary. Luckily as I am in my mid thirties I feel less concerned with physical beauty now than I did when I was younger and can see beauty in a wider range of things than I did back then. Perfection is great but requires a whole heap of effort to keep it going. I’d rather spend time cuddling my daughter and seeing her wonderful smile as I know how fleeting things can be.