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Missing You Always and Forever (Anonymous)

February 4, 2013

2 pregnancies/ 2 boys
28 years old

Original post here.

Dear Mom,

I miss you everyday. I miss your beautiful smile, your laugh and being able to talk to you about anything.

Christmas this year just wasn’t the same without you. Last year was the first year without you and it was very emotional and kind of a blur. But this year it was almost like I had lost not one but two parents. Dad has a girlfriend, she moved in, in September. I haven’t been to your house since then. I actually haven’t talked to dad much since then either. I don’t like who he chose to keep his mind veering in your direction. She is only five years older than Adam, not that age has anything to do with me not liking her I just find it weird. We don’t trust her, dad first mentioned her only 4 months after you died. Dad sticks up for her all the time saying “she doesn’t have her 7 year old daughter because her ex and the judge are out to get her”everyone’s out to get her, it’s like she hypnotized him or something. He is spending on things that she wants to decorate your house with. I can’t go there, it’s to hard, it’s not home anymore. Scott moved to Nova Scotia with his girlfriend so he wasn’t here for chirstmas either. We had supper at Jenn’s on Christmas day instead of your house. There is just so much change in such a small time.

I’m scared of getting older and having to make important decisions and watching people I love die. Good- bye are the hardest words to ever say, that is why I never did with you. I told you that it was ok if you needed to rest. I was so scared to leave your bed side, worried all the time that you might go and I wasn’t there. I wanted to climb into bed with you but was to scared I would hurt you. So instead I held your hand, talked to you (I know you could hear me) and played music. I wish I was stronger for you and there for you more. I regret everyday that I wasn’t at your house everyday helping you and talking to you, soaking everything that I miss up. You guys kept saying you could fight it, you would beat it. I had a feeling from the start, it spread to fast. I tried to see you everyday when it got near the end, brought flowers, visited, helped where I could, and cried at your side.

I feel so selfish, you just wanted to live and I want my body back. I still look in the mirror everyday and wish I looked like I did before I had kids. I still cry most days wishing I wasn’t depressed, anxious, or feeling alone even when I’m not. I don’t know how to get through this, and I want to talk to you so bad. B is 7 already, I hate that they won’t know you more and you aren’t here to see them grow. I didn’t care if you were over weight or had thinning hair, you were (are) my mom and friend and I didn’t see those things as I do on myself. So in reality my kids probably don’t either so it really shouldn’t matter. I know you said that J loves me and I should let it go, I just can’t. I still get anxiety when we have sex (he might feel the stretch marks, extra skin or a roll), and yet at the same time I’m wondering why he doesn’t want sex more often. Is he as repulsed by me as I am with myself? Me and Shelley (my therapist) have both told him that I need him to compliment me more and show more affection. It happens for about a week after the talk and then lingers off. I know I don’t believe it now when he does compliment me but my hopes are that someday I will. I think he feels obligated to do it which feels even worse. And I think he holds off on sex until he really really wants it because he doesn’t find me attractive anymore. Just after having B he told me I wasn’t as attractive as I was before, and to this day I can’t get it out of my head. I wish I was stronger like you.

I hope they play music where you are so you can get dressed up and put your dancing shoes on. I hope you are watching over us and proud of who I am. I have made it one year and five months without you, It has been extremely hard but even when I thought I couldn’t, I did.

Sincerely, you daughter who loves you deeply and misses you always and forever xoxoxoxoxo

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6 Responses to “Missing You Always and Forever (Anonymous)”

  1. Nikki Says:
    February 4th, 2013 at 1:07 pm

    Wow…your post made me cry! My mother is dying of cancer and probably doesn’t have more than a year left and I assume I’ll feel exactly how you described! Hang in there! I’m sure your mom would be proud and happy to be remembered so fondly!

  2. Krista Says:
    February 4th, 2013 at 1:12 pm

    Your post hits quite close to home, as I lost my mom in November of 2012 and my dad in November of 2011; both from cancer. Based on your post, I assume your mom had cancer as well. What you describe (visiting her by bedside) is what I did for the final two weeks while she was on hospice after a year long battle, and a nasty battle at that. The one thing she always fought for was to GAIN her weight back and to LIVE. She used to cringe anytime I spoke in front of her about my post partum body and my goals to lose the weight. I was on this detox plan when my mom first got diagnosed with her cancer. After the diagnosis, her, my two sisters and I went out to lunch. Being on the detox, I ate steamed brocolli while they indulged in beer and desserts. To this day I regret that moment. That was the last meal my mom was able to eat before she had to have a gtube inserted. Everytime I look at my body and loathe the reflection in the mirror, I remember my mom always doing the same as I grew up, and in the end wanting nothing more than a few extra pounds. We are healthy and living and need to be able to “live” for our kids. They need to be able to see us happy in our imperfect selves because just as we look at them as images of perfection, they do so to us. They love us unconditionally. And we should love us unconditionally just the same.

    I struggle. I empathize with you. And I hope that you can find peace. My condolences to you for your loss and the unfavorable circumstances that followed. Thank you for opening your heart here, on this site, because this is one place you will get nothing but endless support.

    My husband recently told my toddler she “ruined mommy” when we were playfully jiggling my mommy belly and I don’t think I will ever be able to push that comment to the back of my head. Funny enough he can’t tell me enough how ridiculous I am when I complain and say I want to get this procedure done or that procedure. He claims to still find me attractive which I fail to believe. But eventually I will see what he sees, beneath the ruined belly. I take it one day at a time and tackle one insecurity after another. At the end of the day, I believe that if we feel confident with ourselves, that energy is exposed to our SO and they start to feel it and it results in more affection, sex, lust, and genuine attraction. It’s more about who we are on the inside that counts, because who we are on the outside will always change (with age/environment) and will ALWAYS be beautiful.

    Your mom is watching over you. She is also holding your hand in your moments of insecurity and whispering in your ear that you are perfect. You are beautiful. You are her daughter. She also has her arms wrapped around you and your husband to bring you closer. She also has her arms wrapped around you and your babies to keep your bond strong with them. She is also guiding you through your struggles. Know that she is always there and always loving you and wanting you to love yourself.

  3. Amanda Says:
    February 4th, 2013 at 2:48 pm

    I can very much relate to your post, I lost my mother in November 2010. Even before my children were conceived and born, it was difficult to talk with her about her experiences having kids as the MS that eventually killed her had made speech nearly impossible already. Even when we could understand her, the disease was affecting her brain and we couldn’t trust that what she was saying was true. I lost my mother’s support years before she died. I will forever grieve that, the not having my own mother to ask questions of, and my kids never knowing her the way I remember her. You are not alone.

  4. Anna Says:
    February 4th, 2013 at 7:18 pm

    Hits home to me too, my mom is getting worse with her fight against ovarian cancer. This made me cry. So sorry for your loss.

  5. Natalie Says:
    February 5th, 2013 at 7:26 am

    I’m so sorry you are going through such hard times in your young life. I want to say a few things about you not believing your husband when he compliments you. Sweetheart please believe him when he compliments you. Yes he slipped up years ago, please LET IT GO. easier said than done, but please please try to let it go. You say your child is 7 already, 7 years is a looooooooong time to feel miserable. You didn’t post any pictures so I can’t comment on your body, but I am a firm believer that how we feel inside reflects on the outside. Start loving yourself. You are shutting down your husband when you don’t believe him. From my own marriage I know that my husband does not bring up sex when he knows I am feeling down or upset, because he knows he will be turned down. Start pursuing your husband sexually, maybe he thinks YOU are the one who is no longer interested in HIM? Another thing is if you are not happy with your body, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Start small,first few times you exercise you might feel like you’re dying, it gets easier and better. Remember you have the power to change your whole relationship around, if you want to. When your husband sees changes in you he will change too. Love, smiles, laughter, compliments are contagious, but so is bitterness, depression, bad mood etc. So lets spread only positive contagious things and you will see the changes in yourself and your family. I would love to talk to you more, if you want I’m sure the admin can give you my email.

  6. Kat Says:
    May 30th, 2013 at 10:24 am

    I am so sorry for your loss. Your letter to your mom is exactly something I would have written. My mom died of cancer in january 2010. My oldest is 7 like your little one, and my mom passed when I was pregnant with my third. I know it’s hard and painful, no doubt about it. As far as your body issues, I’m sure you see yourself a lot worse than you actually look. Your husband is probably feeding off of your insecurities. Men do that, I know my husband does. I know it’s not easy, and I dont know If you work out already, but it boosts your confidence, self esteem and well being. And as an added bonus, your body will inevitably look better. I hear really good things about crossfit, and at the very least, get a set of resistance bands and go to town. I hope in time your pain will start to fade into hope for the future. ((hugs))

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