2 pregnancies/ 2 boys
28 years old
Original post here.
I miss you everyday. I miss your beautiful smile, your laugh and being able to talk to you about anything.
Christmas this year just wasn’t the same without you. Last year was the first year without you and it was very emotional and kind of a blur. But this year it was almost like I had lost not one but two parents. Dad has a girlfriend, she moved in, in September. I haven’t been to your house since then. I actually haven’t talked to dad much since then either. I don’t like who he chose to keep his mind veering in your direction. She is only five years older than Adam, not that age has anything to do with me not liking her I just find it weird. We don’t trust her, dad first mentioned her only 4 months after you died. Dad sticks up for her all the time saying “she doesn’t have her 7 year old daughter because her ex and the judge are out to get her”everyone’s out to get her, it’s like she hypnotized him or something. He is spending on things that she wants to decorate your house with. I can’t go there, it’s to hard, it’s not home anymore. Scott moved to Nova Scotia with his girlfriend so he wasn’t here for chirstmas either. We had supper at Jenn’s on Christmas day instead of your house. There is just so much change in such a small time.
I’m scared of getting older and having to make important decisions and watching people I love die. Good- bye are the hardest words to ever say, that is why I never did with you. I told you that it was ok if you needed to rest. I was so scared to leave your bed side, worried all the time that you might go and I wasn’t there. I wanted to climb into bed with you but was to scared I would hurt you. So instead I held your hand, talked to you (I know you could hear me) and played music. I wish I was stronger for you and there for you more. I regret everyday that I wasn’t at your house everyday helping you and talking to you, soaking everything that I miss up. You guys kept saying you could fight it, you would beat it. I had a feeling from the start, it spread to fast. I tried to see you everyday when it got near the end, brought flowers, visited, helped where I could, and cried at your side.
I feel so selfish, you just wanted to live and I want my body back. I still look in the mirror everyday and wish I looked like I did before I had kids. I still cry most days wishing I wasn’t depressed, anxious, or feeling alone even when I’m not. I don’t know how to get through this, and I want to talk to you so bad. B is 7 already, I hate that they won’t know you more and you aren’t here to see them grow. I didn’t care if you were over weight or had thinning hair, you were (are) my mom and friend and I didn’t see those things as I do on myself. So in reality my kids probably don’t either so it really shouldn’t matter. I know you said that J loves me and I should let it go, I just can’t. I still get anxiety when we have sex (he might feel the stretch marks, extra skin or a roll), and yet at the same time I’m wondering why he doesn’t want sex more often. Is he as repulsed by me as I am with myself? Me and Shelley (my therapist) have both told him that I need him to compliment me more and show more affection. It happens for about a week after the talk and then lingers off. I know I don’t believe it now when he does compliment me but my hopes are that someday I will. I think he feels obligated to do it which feels even worse. And I think he holds off on sex until he really really wants it because he doesn’t find me attractive anymore. Just after having B he told me I wasn’t as attractive as I was before, and to this day I can’t get it out of my head. I wish I was stronger like you.
I hope they play music where you are so you can get dressed up and put your dancing shoes on. I hope you are watching over us and proud of who I am. I have made it one year and five months without you, It has been extremely hard but even when I thought I couldn’t, I did.
Sincerely, you daughter who loves you deeply and misses you always and forever xoxoxoxoxo