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Love doesn’t work without intimacy; a lonely life is all I’ll have. (Anonymous)

March 8, 2013

Age- 23
Number of Pregnancies- 2

Ive came acrossed this site before, after I had my first son. I thought the stories on here were very emotional and touching.. Never did I think that one day I would be posting on here. I need to get it off of my chest, talk about it, maybe someone else is going through the same thing that I am currently going through..

I have 2 beautiful healthy little boys that brighten my life up in everyway possible. I gave up so much to make sure they had a great life, I wanted to be a loving mother. I never felt bitter about having children so young because I enjoy living my life for other people.

My first labor went quick and fast, had a 6lb baby boy born 3 weeks early at this time i was 20 . the father of this child skipped out on us when I found out I was pregnant and at that time m ex boyfriend and I became friends again.. fast track to a couple years later me and my ex boyfriend who takes care of me and my other son , we were living together and we found out shortly after i sons 1st birthday we were expecting…

I was not happy at all but he was.. all he wanted was to be a father and he was so beyond excited to have a child of his own.. We were both hoping for a girl but found out we would be blessed with another little boy. During my pregnancy I developed PUPPS I gained about 50lbs which put me over 200lbs when I delivered, I also had high blood pressure. they decided they wanted to induce me at 39 weeks because I had been 4cm dialated for about 2 weeks walking around and he didnt budge. -

Day of induction they popped my water and labor progressed. I had a midwife at the time so I began to push when it was time but the baby didn’t want to come out. I pushed for about 45 minutes. pushed veryyyyy hard and my boyfriend told me that the entire time I was pushing I was constantly pooping (gross but whatever). after a while the midwife said they needed the resident doctor because they might need to use vacume forceps or csection. I was scared I didnt want a c section. In came in the doctor, he was an older gray haired man. he didn’t seem to like me to well, idk if it was because I was 22 about to have my 2nd child. But i felt the harshness from him, he said we would try forceps… I was afraid but not too afraid. then he pulled out what could have been the jaws of life and ramed them into my vagina without any warning. the left side of my body shot out a huge twitch and my leg (which was numb) fell off the bed. I felt the pain, I felt something but didnt know what. he moved them around in order to turn the baby and he pulled the baby out…. I was so happy to finally see him. he was a beautiful 8lb baby…

but the happiness went away shortly after when I realized the doctor was giving me stitches inside of me without even telling me what was going on. he told me afterwards I tore a little bit inside, acted like it wasnt a big deal. then told me “if you hadn’t of gotten an epidural i still would of had to of done it this way”. I was upset. after the epidural wore off I was in so much pain, i cried and cried and cried. i felt like i had been ripped apart and put back together.

I couldnt get out of bed the entire time i was in the hospital. they had to cath me to empty my bladder which gave me a uti…

I struggled for months afterwards with incontinence issues, leaking urine, bowls it was a mess…. then when I was able to become sexually active again I did, and that’s when it all set in… My vagina will never be the same again…

I felt no sensation what so ever…. and neither did my boyfriend.. this man who I loved would soon realize this problem was not going away… I feel less and less like a woman everyday. I expected the stretch marks but never did I think my vagina would turn into such a ….. gaping hole…. as my boyfriend calls it now…. I eventually talked to my doctor about it but they didnt want to help me. they all said it would go back to normal and to do kegals. so I did. I eventually saw a specialist and they sent me to physical theraphy. but even the specialist looked at me like I had been promiscuos and I deserved it.

Im 23 years old, I have 2 children. my son is now a year old and after being a year PP my vagina is still not the same and it will not get better without surgery..

I am 23 years old and I can’t be intimate with the man that I love. is causing problems in our relationship and pretty soon I don’t think we will have one .. this issue has given me such low selfesteem. who would want me now? I am a mother. I gave my children life and everyday I just want to die…. some people might think Im crazy but I literally cry about this all the time. Just knowing he doesnt want to be close to me, knowing that I have nothing to offer to him, the simple things a woman and man do we cant do. and there is no way I will ever be comfortable enough to have sex with someone else . I don’t feel like a woman anymore and I feel numb going through life…. I can’t even keep a super plus tampon in…..
I’ll never get better without a surgery and when I told my boyfriend he said it would be cheaper for him to swap me in….. he never used to be this way, but I dont blame him. sex used to be fun but it’s sad now. he loses his erection Im dry and I can’t mentally try to enjoy myself I just want to cry every time because I know it doesnt feel good to him.

I feel helpless, all I will ever be now is a mom. no ones wife, no ones girlfriend, no man is ever going to want to be with me again…

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19 Responses to “Love doesn’t work without intimacy; a lonely life is all I’ll have. (Anonymous)”

  1. bea Says:
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:00 am

    Dear sweet thing, get to a counselor immediately! This is not just a physical issue, it’s your personal emotions that need healing, your relationship with your partner needs some intervention (it is NOT OK that he says these things to you), and I can’t emphasize the importance of self love that is critical for you to be a good mommy and good partner and happy person inside. Please talk to someone, a professional. This is a very intense story and therapy can be incredibly beneficial. I am so sorry and feel your pain….there is help and there is hope. Believe!!!

  2. Brenda Says:
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:03 am

    I am so sorry you had to go through such a horrible experience. I’m sure that’s not the man you love talking either, in my opinion, it’s probably the lack of intimacy that is making him cranky. Still, may I suggest talking to him about it and ask him to be serious. (Hopefully he was kidding when he said it is cheaper to swap you in) Don’t let yourself be bullied by your doctors and specialists, you pay for them, so keep looking for doctors and specialists that will treat you with respect. I hope everything works out for you. Best of luck.

  3. HeAther Says:
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:06 am

    Oh my god… Your story is the exact same as my story… I rarely click on links on Facebook, it’s strange that I did.. After my traumatic and damaging forceps delivery I suffered not saying anything for seven years. Falling pregnant again I broke down about my past experience . I had the surgery !!! Best thing I ever did!! that was four years ago, please do no accept this , you won’t heal mentally until u feel whole physically. I’m happy to exchange emails if you have any questions x

  4. Brianna Says:
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:15 am

    I am sorry that you have to go through this. I have a similar problem where with my 2nd child tore me from hole to hole and after I healed things were not the same, I believe I had some nerve damage so now I don’t have much feeling in my nether regions and now don’t get very passionate which causes relationship issues. I say try to find a way to save up for surgery! It is worth the cost and will make you feel like yourself again. If your man doesn’t understand then maybe find a relationship counselor that specializes in sex so in the meantime he/she can help while you save for surgery. Just try to hold your head high and take one day at a time.

  5. Sarah G Says:
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:25 am

    I am so, so sorry for all that you’ve been through. You have my deepest sympathy, support, and compassion.

    I’d like to respond to several things you’ve said. Firstly, I want to express very clearly that you have done NOTHING wrong. Having sex as a consenting adult is nothing shameful – no matter what other people may think about it. Giving birth to the children you’ve conceived is an incredible gift of life. Accepting frightening interventions in the interest of your child, a sacrifice and a mercy. You are amazing.

    Forceps deliveries do carry a higher risk of trauma both to the mom and the baby, compared with birth where this is not used. However, your description sounds as though your doctor used an unnecessary level of force which caused you significant physical damage. It’s possible that you have a valid basis for a lawsuit, should you wish to pursue one. It is NOT okay for any doctor in any specialization to treat his patients callously, and NOT okay for him to harm his patient.

    Thirdly, your boyfriend’s comment to you, about trading in, was horrendous. You are a human being with value well beyond the pleasure-giving capacity of your vagina. You are a brilliant creature, full of thoughts and feelings and inspiration, a mother, a lover, and so much more than just your genitals. NEVER accept that sort of treatment from anyone! It’s not okay. I know you are feeling like you are worth less now than you used to be. It’s not true. Your worth comes from WHO YOU ARE and no one has the right to devalue you.

    Finally, sexual dysfunction is a painful issue that many people deal with at some time or another. It can be caused by a number of things, including physical trauma like you experienced, but also certain medications, age, etc. There are resources to help, and I strongly encourage you to look into them. Books, videos, therapists who deal in these issues… looking into these things may go a long way to restoring your sense of worth. If surgery is not an option for you now, you might look into alternative forms of lovemaking. Penis-in-vagina is only one of a plethora of ways to provide sexual pleasure to each other; if that does not work as well as it used to, you might prefer to explore the wide range of other positions and approaches. Also, there are products designed to help with this issue in particular. I don’t know how much is appropriate to say in the comments section on a public site, so I won’t go into specific details… but look into this, get creative, explore more of your sexuality. Even sex is about far more than your vagina.

  6. Margaret Says:
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:27 am

    I’m sorry to say this but you should not be with this person. He seems selfish and doesn’t love you the way you need to be love. If he was a real man, he would be by your side no matter what. You do not need someone who is so abusive towards you. And there is nothing wrong with being just a mother. Some woman will kill just have a baby. Seeing my babies smile and grow each day is the best thing in the world to me. I love my husband, but being mother is my number 1 favorite. Take time and enjoy your children and try to love yourself. Because no one is going to love you more then you. Take care.

  7. Ellen Says:
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:43 am

    Intimacy is important in a relationship. However, intimacy is not defined as sex. While sex is intimacy, so is kissing, and touching, even conversation can be considered intimate. Keep your head up. Try explaining to your guy that you two are going to have to get creative with intimacy. I know that for me, to have my husband kiss my neck and back is WAY more satisfying than actual intercourse. I also know that you want to please your man, and there are creative ways of doing that too. You deserve to be happy. Find what makes you happy and chase that.

  8. Claire Says:
    March 8th, 2013 at 10:58 am

    Your title says Love doesnt work witout intimacy, but love doesnt work without respect either, and from your post, it doesnt seem like your boyfriend is giving you much of either if hes being so insensitive to you. I am sure I will not be the only one who posts about the way he is treating you, but I have a feeling that his compassion and insensitivity are causing you more distress than your vagina is right now. First and foremost, your vagina is yours, not his, and not any other mans or womans. Your concerns are real, but your reasons for them might be a bit skewed if you feel like no one will ever love you or want you because of the feel of lady bits. Your self worth is not based on the tightness of your vagina. Yes, you want that girl to work right, but you want her to work for you, not somebody else. Please dont forget that.

    That being said, since youve had incontinence issues, we can assume you have a legitimate problem and are not just taking it on personal opinion from your boyfriend. It sounds like you went through some medical trauma after your most recent birth, but as we all know who have gone through similar situations, theirs not much you can do about it now. I suggest If you are unhappy with the medical care youve received, you should continue to look for better care until you can find a doctor/ physical therapist who has a better bedside manor than it seems like the ones youve already met had. Having a medical professional who is actually professional doesnt seem to be the norm these days, but they are well worth the search once you can find someone youre completely comfortable and open with. Also in your situation a therapist might help you be able to work through some of the emotions youre feeling right now, I’m sure theyre a rollercoaster right now. The first year after birth they are that way as it is, without any added worries. Taking that into consideration, give your body a chance. I know a year seems like you did, but its under so much stress right now as it is just from the physical demands of carrying 2 children so closely and then mothering them as well. Its not as easy as we women like to think to just bounce back from pregnancy, so make sure your expectations on your body are reasonable.

    As far as your relationship, theirs no reason the two of you cant have a satisfying and fulfilling sex life. Their is plenty more to it than just vaginal intercourse. Toys, oral sex, anal sex, mutual masturbation. Theirs a great big sex filled word out there for you guys to explore together that will certainly bring you close. However, most ladies will probably agree, having your vagina called a gaping hole will close any and all intimacy off faster than any physical problems you might suffer from, and you should let your boyfriend know that.

    I hope you are able to come away with some clarity and direction from the comments left for you here today. Youre in great hands when youre here :)

  9. I-Can-Relate Says:
    March 8th, 2013 at 11:47 am

    My story nearly mirrors your own, with a few exceptions. I too was just 23 when I had my second child, I am now 26. Let me tell you, it will get better, but it does take time, and lots of it. I had torn quite severely with my daughter, to the point of nerve damage. Physically speaking penetration was extremely painful and if I could even get beyond that point, there was so little sensation internally that it was pointless, I felt so helpless. In first PP year, my husband and I were only intimate 2. I blamed myself, my body, the doctors, but mostly I was just disgusted with myself. After all the non-surgical advise was given and followed, I didn’t think I would ever change, I swear I would do kegals all day long, every day, and I just didn’t notice a difference. I was nearing giving up. At 1 1/2 years PP, I was having a conversation with one of my girlfriend’s who had recommended Ben-wa-balls. Yes, the “sex toy”. I thought she was crazy, but was desperate. I had nothing to loose. Let me tell you it was an experience.. trying to keep those things in place.. I couldn’t even hold them in for more than a second or two at first. But as I continually fought with them, the more time went on, I gradually found that I was able to gain better control of my incontinence. I’m still not at 100% and I still have some incontinence issues, but it is no were nearly as bad. I would say if I was at 10% Immediate PP, I’m now around a 90%. It’s not perfect, but it is improvement. It takes time, but the body is an incredible thing! If the man in your life isn’t understanding or supportive in this terribly difficult time af your life, perhaps it’s time to reconsider where his true priorities lay and whether or not that is something you can accept.

  10. lee Says:
    March 8th, 2013 at 12:19 pm

    I too had the forceps thing and tore and had stitches but unlike you it made my vagina SUPER tight, sometimes we cannot get my husbands penis in there,lol…I guess you can’t win either way. Give it time, IT WILL feel better, they do have surgery that can make it tighter alot of women are not aware of it, look up vaginaplasty! I am serious, you are too young to not have a fun and nice sex life. Don’t feel to bad, at least no sex means no more kids…:P

  11. Bella Says:
    March 8th, 2013 at 12:30 pm

    Hi there, I understand you, and often I`ve wondered why so few of us speaks about the change that happens to our vaginas after giving birth. The body is for sure, a fantastic creature, and can heal itself from many conditions, but sometimes, like you describe – it cannot do it! I believe this must be a big taboo since so few women speaks about it.

    After giving birth to 2 boys, I also feel a significant change im my vagina. The last boy was big, and was 38 cm around his head, and the birth happened very fast so I could`nt wait and strretch. Sometimes I think about surgery, I still enjoy my sexlife, but have problems with feeling so wide and open.

    Maybee you can save up money and get surgery if it doesn`t get better? Ideally the goverbment should help you with this, so if I were tou I would maybe tried to change doctor.

    Best wishes for you and a big hug.

  12. danielle Says:
    March 8th, 2013 at 1:35 pm

    Hi!!! I have three children and also felt the same way after having my third. I looked so much online for something that didn’t involve surgery…and I was gonna try those ben wa ball things that were also mention in earlier comments, and Ifound something which I purchased. Its called the kegal master 2000. Its amazing!! It is kinda expensive compared to some other stuff…definitly not as expensive as surgery. I paid 100 something. I can’t remember. But it took a few months doing it everyday for like 15 min at a time but it tightened things up so incredible! I can wear a regular tampon now and it stays in!! Its still a bit different down there becuz of having my kids, but I’m ok with that! I don’t pee my pants whn I sneez of cough anymore and just feels nice that the gaping hole no feeling sensation is not there. Best of luck beautiful! Don’t give up or lose hope! I know u hear it all the time, but it really does take time.

  13. Kerry Says:
    March 9th, 2013 at 4:56 pm

    Have you heard of birth rape? Your story sounds similar to so many other stories I’ve heard. I just want to hug you! The doctor had NO right to treat you like that, I ache knowing that you were going through what should have been the most joyous day of your life, and you felt judged, uncomfortable, and helpless. Your boyfriend certainly isnt helping. Tightening your vagina is not the real problem here, he’s being a class A jerk to you, please sweety.. don’t let anyone talk to you like that! I agree with the ladies who suggested you seek counseling, you need to deal with the emotional and physical trauma you’ve been the victim of.

  14. Natalie Says:
    March 11th, 2013 at 7:17 am

    I am so sorry you are going through such hard time in your life. Sweetheart make sure your bf understands that any rude/insensitive comments from him to you puts big red X over intimacy. 2. Our brain is #1 sex organ, even when physically everything is okay you won’t enjoy sex if the mind is not relaxed. 3. Penis/vagina intercourse in not the only route to intimacy, get creative! (Watching porn together is NOT creative as it will cause more issues in the relationship).

    Here’s a little bit of my experience. I have one baby, had a 3rd degree tear and needed stitches. I tore in a Y shape so it was stitches going in 3 different directions. 2 months PP my husband and I tried making love again. I wanted to scream from pain, it hurt soooooooo bad. As weeks went by the pain lessened. My wonderful OB recommended olive oil as a lubricant, that worked wonders. So ladies don’t spend $ on expansive lubes.

    About 6 months PP I noticed no more intercourse pain, the tearing finally healed completely. What I did notice is I had no feeling in my clitoris or vagina (I guess it was loose vagina). My husband, bless his soul, never said a word about it. To get sensitivity back in the clitoris I would massage it for 30-40 min/day to the point where I felt some feeling in it. My husband sometimes did this for me too. Together we got those 30-40 min down to 5-10 minutes, and the sensitivity is mind blowing.

    I never did Kegels postpartum. About 4-5 months PP I started Brazillian butt workout to tone butt and thighs. It involves 50 squats, and alot of different leg lifts. Months later I read that squats tone up pelvic muscles leading to tighter vagina. I have to say it’s true, it worked for me even when I did not know it would. Please look into this workout, it might work for you too :)

    I am 10 months PP, it took lots of tears, it took time and work to get clitoris and vagina properly functioning again. It was all worth it.

    Whatever you do, don’t give up. Try all the things other ladies on here suggested. And get the boyfriend on your side, he NEEDS to understand that it will take team work.

  15. Amanda Says:
    March 11th, 2013 at 9:00 pm

    I’m so sorry that you’re feeling so hopeless about your body. It does sound like your boyfriend is a jerk and isn’t being compassionate or empathetic at all. There is nothing wrong with you. Nothing at all. I would definitely say that vaginal balls and pelvic exercises like squats, etc will help some. Surgery will help also if that’s what you end up going for. You are worth SO MUCH MORE than you’re giving yourself credit for. Don’t let this bring you down, you can overcome it and your life won’t be ruined. You are a mother yes, but I hope that you will come to find you are so much more than that and someone out there will definitely love you for your whole self. Be gentle with yourself, give it time and take care. You aren’t alone and many mothers go through this same thing just not many talk about it which I think is a mistake. Thank you for your story. xo

  16. Chante Says:
    March 12th, 2013 at 8:02 pm

    I would visit a plastic surgen, They have been able to do vagplasty for a while now woman do it very often. I would also see a couples therapist.

  17. Rianon Says:
    March 14th, 2013 at 1:31 am

    Your story broke my heart :(
    You sound like your birth traumatized you physically. I remember how things felt down there for a couple months after giving birth and it makes me sad to imagine women having to experience it for years!!! First of all, stop blaming yourself. All the interventions they are doing in childbirth cause serious longterm problems for mothers and babies. You need to go to a different doctor and demand to see another specialist. If someone makes you feel bad, refuse to see them again. Contact a plastic surgeon and go in for a consultation. Try what these other women have suggested and see if it helps. You are not alone! Lastly, if your boyfriend is treating you like this, it will not help the situation at all. Intimacy is not just about having sex, and someone who saw you at your most vulnerable and knows the issues you have been going through should be extremely sensitive and caring. I would suggest going to a sex therapist or a couples therapist as well. hang in there!!!

  18. Nancy Says:
    March 15th, 2013 at 6:02 am

    I’m so sorry that you have to go through this! I hope you have a close friend or family member to talk and to vent to. You might even want to talk to a therapist or counselor. As for your boyfriend, if he’s treating you this way, I’m not sure if he’s good enough for you. He shouldn’t be putting you down. YOU shouldn’t be putting yourself down. Stay strong, hopefully things will get better!

  19. Ally Says:
    October 28th, 2013 at 11:03 pm

    I’m so so so sorry you have been treated this way. It also breaks my heart by you agreeing with them. You really should talk to someone to get yourself back. I don’t know the opinions as I had two c sections but I understand the no sex and feeling like less then I woman. I have birth 3 months ago by c section but we have tried to have sex 2 times and it was horribly painful. I too feel like less of a women and that I can’t meet what he needs an what I want to be able to give him.

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