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It hurts to look at myself, but not at my son. (Steph)

I was 22 when I had my first and only child. I had a pretty textbook pregnancy besides measuring weeks ahead. Before pregnancy I was at my heaviest – 104kg. I had no hope that I would ever fall pregnant but it happened. My beautiful 10lb son Maximus was born by emergency Cesarean on the 1st of January 2013. Due to his large size I was unable to give birth naturally – My first feeling of failure. I breastfed for three months until it became too much to feed such a big eater. Following the cesarean I had found out that my stitches had ripped open and caused a nasty painful infection – My second feeling of failure. I fell into postnatal depression and the very cry of my son would drive me to the verge of suicide – My third feeling of failure. In the year following I have lost weight – down to 89kg (the lightest I have been since the age of 15) but still cannot bear looking at myself in the mirror let alone anyone else seeing my stomach. Does this feeling ever subside? I dont feel like I will ever be happy until I can afford a tummy tuck. I even work out at the gym and find that I never feel truly satisfied due to my over hang and stretch marks. Its taken a great deal of courage to submit this story but Im hoping this will be my first feeling of overcoming failure.

in Belly, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, PPD - Postpartum Depression, Submissions

8 comments… add one

  • Natalie Monday, April 14, 2014, 8:14 am

    I understand. I feel you. I hear your heart.
    For me the feelings ebb and flow. Sometimes I’m okay with my belly and stretch marks and sometimes I cry a lot.
    Hang in there, sweet momma.

  • C Tuesday, April 15, 2014, 11:07 am

    First off, your son is a chunk of cuteness! I can relate to you a little bit on the effects of having such a big baby. My son wasn’t as big as yours, only 9 lbs 4 oz but he did do some damage to my tummy. I no longer have a tight flat tummy. I know my son was worth whatever body change I have had to endure, but it’s sometimes hard to feel good about myself. I think having my son has really helped me open my eyes up to living a healthier lifestyle. I doubt I would have gotten into exercise and eating healthy if it weren’t for him changing my body. I am thankful for that.
    Remember that you are beautiful no matter what you look like on the outside.

  • Jessie Tuesday, April 15, 2014, 3:12 pm

    Your Son is Beautiful. I also don’t like the way I look after two kids. But I keep an open mind, and hope in heart. Give your self time… you are young and have a lot of life ahead.

  • joan Wednesday, April 16, 2014, 8:35 am

    Hi your son is lovely,life is tough at the best of times babe,your belly looks lovely anyway I think it’s sexy to have stretch marks,oh by the way you have got some awesome tattoos!have you got any more?x

  • Grace Powell Tuesday, April 29, 2014, 8:10 am

    Think of those stretch marks as battle scars. It’s something to be proud of because it came with something valuable and life-changing, your precious baby. Don’t worry if you stumble and fall, what’s important is you take care of yourself and your son. You look lovely, and life is beautiful. Strive and look forward to exploring more of it with your child. Hang in there!

  • Zulema Thursday, May 8, 2014, 6:23 pm

    Purchase a dermaroller this will help your marks signifactaly I have been using it for 5 months now and its amazing.

  • Friend Saturday, May 31, 2014, 9:09 am

    I’m much older than and have 4 kids. I do struggle with my body shape and size but I have come to terms with my stretch marks and hope that with better health and fitness I will love my body more. You earned those stripes, be proud of them. Know that they are the norm, not the airbrushed women you see in magazines. Focus on your health, not your looks. Much love.

  • Jessie Saturday, May 31, 2014, 9:43 am

    Thank you for sharing your story. I had my first child when I was 19 and didn’t plan to have more kids. I had a tummy tuck and lipo to “fix” all those spots on my body that I couldn’t stand to look at. As life would have it, shortly after that I meet my now husband and we ended up having children together. I no longer have the mommy tummy because that is where my huge scar is so all the fat goes below and I am so embarrassed to wear a bathing suit, heck I am even conscious of it in pants. The point of my story is, love the body you have because no matter what you do to “fix” it there will always be something. Looking back I would rather have my mommy belly and stretch marks than a scar that goes from hip to hip, a fat pocket in my crotch and intentions in my skin from the lipo. Every time you’re having a hard time with your body look a your sweet blessing and look what your body and be proud that you created that life that you love so much.

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