4 and a half months post partum
26 yrs old.
to start off , i love my daughter with everything that i have.. she makes me smile and laugh and feel complete.. she is the reason i get up in the morning these days..
now.. she is my second pregnancy but first to term. about 3 months before i got pregnant with her i had to terminate my first pregnancy due to major complication.. not being over that and getting pregnant again so soon took a toll on me emotionally… my husband was shocked and well kind of supportive.. i was excited.. but scared a i didn want to have to go through that kind of loss again.. lucky for all of us this pregnancy went better… i got horrible morning sickness and couldnt eat.. about the third month in my appitite came back and i started to enjoy eating again.. the first actual meal i finished was with my husbands family. i asked for seconds and my father in law oinked at me and called me a pig and told me to keep eating… wow i felt beyond humiliated.. time went on and i started to show.. thinking that that was a one time comment i tried to let it go.. iwas visiting with my hubby his father again.. the first thing he said to me was wow your getting fat… you would think that beingas i am his grand daughters mom he would have some respect.. these sorts of things continued.. my relationship is far from perfect and people say i should leave but i dont know if im willing to give up on my family.. my husband has said some harsh things as well.. like how long to you plan on carrying your baby weight around and when i started to balloon due to sever water retention told me that he thought stretch marks were discusting.. i know i sound like i am rambling but there are so many hurtful feelings i need to get out i cant make them make sense.. so fast forward, i get home from the hospital.. my daughter being 11 days late induced, with 22 hours hard labour forcepts and epesiotomy… it was rough and i felt it.. now pre pregnancy i was 115 pounds in the best shape of my life… i ended up 190 stretchmarks from knees to boobs .. the first words out of my father in laws mouth were holy tits and something about being fat.when i breastfeed he asks if its an all you can eat buffet.. hi this is after spending 3 days in the hospital.. thanks … after a teary first week i was feeling awesome i was happy, to tired to care about my body and loving my daughter more than anything.,… things started to go down hill from there.. i continued to bleed very heavily and my epesiotomy got very infected.. i got really sick.. i had no help either… i tried my damndest to cope … now at around a month and a half post partum my epesiotmy burst again and still bleeding and feeling like a fat ass, i was blessed with getting diagnosed with herpes simplex 1 from my husband. funny i thought you were supposed to be faithful to the woman carrying your child.. ppd hit with the force of a mack truck.. i wanted to die, i felt ruined and dirty and discusting.. my wieght wasnt going down, my body was scared, my boobs saggy celulite everywhere and that wonderful gift to top it.. now if there was support or anything less than emotional or verbal abuse, i couldnt find it.. i cried all day everyday.. couldnt take care of my kid and was an all around mess.. life .. love family wasnt supposed to be like this.. i wasnt supposed to feel like this… its now 4 and a half months pp.. i cant shop for clothes wihout getting depressed and crying.. i am stuck a t 150 with back fat huge saggy boobs, stretch marks everywhere and hsv1… my husband looks at women and picutes of perfect women and tells me how hot and sexy they are.. i cry and he doesnt get it.. he tells me he is with me not my stretch marks.. he gets mad when i tell him i feel ruined.. i hate sex now and i used to enjoy that closeness… i wont let him tough my body and cringe at the thought of it… i have never in my life felt like such a discusting piece of crap.. (by the way his fave term for me is a stupid piece of shit).. i know i should leave and find love for myself again.. but who wpuld love someone who is soo deeply scared and has hsv1… i am in couceling trying to fix my emotional self and i go to the gym but i dont know what to do anymore.. i am do sorry for the nonesence written, but i needed to get it out .. i feel so alone and un loveable..