1 Pregnancy:1 Child
My story begins nearly 5 years ago as my daughter will be 4 in august. I got pregnant when I was only 18. Although my now husband and I were only together about 6 months (together in person only about 1.5 months since he was in bootcamp). Long story short we have made an initial friendship blossom into a great marriage which of course takes work but I feel so fortunate to have beat all the odds that society places on young people and relationships. Fast foward I went into labor on a friday night thinking it was only braxton hicks. After 2 trips to the hospital I was sent home both times since I wasn’t dilated enough to be admitted (they wanted me 2.5 cm before admitted). On sunday morning around 2am we went back where we were finally told I could be admitted. At this point I had endured the pain for nearly 2 days and requested an epidural as well as they started pitocin since I wasn’t dilating that fast. During those wee hours of the morning I was checked on and off. First the baby’s heart rate was high so they broke my water in an effort to bring it down. After a couple hours of rechecking her heart rate began to drop and I had set up fever and they believed I was beginning to set up an infection. Around 7:15am I was told at that point there needed to be decisions made since I was still only about 5-6cm dilated. What choice did I have to help my baby? She was delivered at 7:53am by emergency c-section. My memory those first 2 days in the hospital are fuzzy because of the pain medication I was on which is something I feel very deprived of. Fast forward another 3 and a half years later and numerous talks with my doctor I am still left feeling like a complete failure. Nearly all of my friends had relatively easy labors considering the time frame and only one had a csection although she is not only diabetic but smoked through her pregnancy and had preclampsia. There were no indicators that this would happen to me. I am a very prepared person and was completely blindsided by having a c-section. My scarring on the outside is minimal and my selfesteem is the best since before I got pregnant but I still have feelings left that my body somehow has something wrong with it because it was incapable of doing something that women are designed to do. Now anytime a family member or friend has a baby I get feelings of resentment that I had to have a c-section and nearly no one that I know hasn’t. I wouldn’t wish a csection on anyone that’s not at all what I wish at all I just don’t know how to come to terms with these negative feelings……I am also left terrified of having another child as I absolutely do not want another c-section again.
Below is a picture of me 37 weeks pregnant and summer 2012 after losing nearly all my baby weight (finally! :D).