Number of pregnancies and births: 3 pregnancies, 1 birth
Age of children: 2, 31 weeks Pregnant
here i am at 31 weeks with our second girl, contemplating my body. i had our first at 18. i was young and fit. no stretchmarks on my belly. after i had her, i got them on my breasts and hips. but i could handle that. eventually they faded to white. i struggled with weight- at my heaviest i was 180 at 5’7. barely overweight but enough to squander any confidence. after jade turned 2 years old, i start losing weight. not lbs, but inches. i felt comfortable in my body. attractive. confident.
just as i whittle my size down to a size 9 pant size, im pregnant again. it was unexpected, but nothing we couldnt handle. my first thought was “oh great. im going to get fat again.”
right now im 204, my heaviest ive ever been. i also got my first stretchmarks on my belly. they’re small and just pink. so im hoping that they’re going to heal quickly. before i got them, i had intentions of going out to the public pool and flaunt my beautiful pregnant body. this is a time where i dont have to suck in my gut or hide behind layers of clothes bc of cellulite. but when i got the marks, all of that was lost. i now swim with a tank top on.
the first time my fiance saw the stretchmarks, he asked me what they were. did i get them from laying on the couch? i was ashamed and embarrassed. i started sobbing and acting like a fool. he of course was confused. i explained to him that they were indeed stretchmarks. he hugged me and told me that i was still beautiful.
i dont feel beautiful. i have horrible acne on my face from the hormones. and im huge. everyone thinks im due next week bc of how big i am. i have the weird hanging fat under my belly. and then the stretchmarks.
i hope before the baby gets here, i can learn to embrace my stretchmarks. that i can learn to love my womanly body. the body i am meant to have. but i cant help but see and envy these celebrities who look like they’ve been pregnant.