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Coming To Terms With Being Pregnant (Anon)

June 30, 2010

Age: 22
Pregnancies and births: currently pregnant (4 months)

I found out I was pregnant March 24, 2010. It was a shock for both me and my husband, and I cried when I called to tell him. I wish I could be noble and say that they were tears of joy, but I was shocked, upset, and did not want to be a mother.

I’ve been obsessed with my weight since I was 10 years old. In high school I developed an eating disorder, but my weight remained between 140-150 at 5′ 7″ The lowest I ever got was 135 and you could count all my ribs. I always felt fat, always felt that number on the scale was the only thing that mattered. I carry a LOT of muscle in my legs and have always been pretty thin on top, so it’s hard for me to look healthy when my weight gets too low. I met a man who thought I was beautiful inside and out, grew comfortable with my body and stopped fighting it. Four years later, we went on vacation while I weighed 174, and while I wished I weighed less, I didn’t think I looked entirely undesirable. When my hsuband went out to sea (he’s in the Navy) I went about frantically losing weight, exercising, dieting religiously… when he got back 3 months later I lost 30lbs and settled at 145.

Three months later I had settled at a non-dieting weight of 154… and that’s when I found out I was pregnant. And that positive test result was like a death march in my head: YOU ARE GOING TO BE FAT. And there’d be nothing I could do about it. I’ve been making peace with the idea of gaining weight, it’s not easy. I had to start eating throughout the day when I was used to eating one or two meals and occasionally purging. I’ve been chilling around 163 for the last three weeks. I try to exercise every day– I have leg weights I do lifts with, a treadmill and stationary bike– I want so badly to be fit for my pregnancy so that after the bit I can go back to being the way I was.

My husband’s shipmates tease him by saying I’ll gain like crazy and I’ll be a whale…. to his credit, he sticks up for me and says I’m too devoted to my body to let self go like that and whatever weight I do gain will not make me fat, it’ll make me pregnant. I’ve found that I love hearing him say that. Do I look fat? No, baby, you look pregnant. I could get used to that. I’m grateful that I’ve managed to find a man who has never once used my physical body to put me down. He’s never called me fat, never said anything derogatory toward me.

I do love this site. It makes me feel like I have the courage to face what may happen to my body with a little dignity instead of running from it like a child. I’ll definitely post again when I really start showing… right now the suspect baby bump comes and goes. I don’t want to be stick thin anymore. I’ve made enough peace with my body that I can accept it’s beautiful as it is; I no longer think models like Miranda Kerr and Alesandra Ambrosio are healthy-looking or that their bodies are particularly enviable… I am built like a woman, I could never look like a little boy, it’s not in my genes. I’ve grown to respect and adore models like Lizzie Miller and Crystal Renn, they have the womanly figure and make me aspire to look more like Aphrodite… not Angelina. When I look at their beauty, it gives me confidence that I can stay healthy through this pregnancy and still be beautiful afterwards— even with a few stretch marks and extra pounds.

First Picture: me, July 2009 (174 lbs)
Second Picture: me, December 2009 (145 lbs)
Third Picture: 15 weeks along (163 lbs)
Fourth Picture: 16 weeks along (still 163, but where did the bump go??)

Updated here, here and here.

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15 Responses to “Coming To Terms With Being Pregnant (Anon)”

  1. Mandy Says:
    June 30th, 2010 at 8:24 am

    I think you look great! And you don’t look ‘fat’ at all. I can’t believe that you are the weight you say you are in each photo. Don’t get so caught up in what the scale says…enjoy the pregnancy!

  2. Elissa Says:
    June 30th, 2010 at 9:18 am

    You sound exactly like I did…Except I didn’t struggle with an eating disorder but I watched my weight go back and fourth often. My husband didn’t even see the fat person I became…I was 198 and 5’6″ at the end of my pregnancy…Gained 61 pounds….Now I am thin and I do believe I look more womanly and my husband told me that I am even more sexy and have a hotter body after having our daughter than I did before. I worried about my weight during my pregnancy till I went in with preterm labor and decided my weight wasn’t a concern anymore…Or it was and I wanted to gain it. I gained about 30 pounds in the last 5 weeks I carried my daughter thinking she was going to come out early…The more weight I gained the more I thought she would since that is what I was told from the dietician and warned not to eat or gain much because my baby would get big.

    Be comfortable, enjoy your pregnancy and know that the outcome is well worth it…Looking into your babies eyes and seeing you and your husband in your child is the most amazing and wonderful thing in the world. Knowing your love made a little life that you are holding right there in your arms…Nothing could be better…I breastfed and I contribute losing the weight as well as I did to that because every time she grew I would drop weight and my stomach would suck right back up.

    I hope you enjoy yourself and enjoy being a new mommy…Also my bump came and went as when you are that far along it tends to just be bloating that makes the pooch on your tummy….I was bloated often that early and it came and went.

  3. sara Says:
    June 30th, 2010 at 9:25 am

    Please please PLEASE do not look at the number on the scale to determine how fat or skinny you are! No one would ever guess your weight by what you look like. I’m 5’9 and look about 40 lbs less than what I actually weigh. I ended up getting rid of my scale because I figured it really isnt an adequate determination of my fitness. I think you look incredibly fit and because you do have muscle mass and you’re 5’7, you are going to be heavier than you look. It’s inevitable. I’m sure you will bounce back really fast once the baby is born. Dont worry about the baby bump dissapearing either, I didnt really see a bump until I was 5 1/2 months pregnant and no one else could tell I was pregnant until 7 1/2 months. I think that also has to do with being tall and torso ratio… Good luck in your pregnancy and get lots of rest while you can! You look fantastic!! :)

  4. tanya Says:
    June 30th, 2010 at 9:26 am

    i was so much like u , never wanted kids and was paranoid about being pregnant but i LOVE my 2 year old girl now more than anything and would do it over a million times if i could because my body actually looks the same as before maybe even better so i was all scared for nothing.. i hope you feel better :)

  5. jerryred Says:
    June 30th, 2010 at 9:36 am

    seriously its such a special time in your life and it goes so quickly , so enjoy it while it lasts , you have such a tiny little precious one growing how very special and gifted. and you do look amazing despite what your disorder has told you in the past other wise , babe its a plain fact that ladies get bigger when caring a baby , water retention is a real thing !!!! not to mention the baby :) hey and trust me when i say women look far better with curves :) i work with in modeling agencies and thin is out period.

  6. jerryred Says:
    June 30th, 2010 at 9:40 am

    oh and i forgot to say that when i found out i was pregnant i did not jump for joy also ,, i was a wreck a absolute mess ,, now she is the best thing that has ever happened to me EVER .

  7. Rachael Says:
    June 30th, 2010 at 9:49 am

    I love the realizations that you have come to!!! Its delighting seeing the way your thoughts have matured… into that of a confident, admirable woman. I love that you no longer think its healthy to look like a “boy”… we are women after all and should show men how women are supposed to look. You are gorgeous and so is your baby bump. In time, that bump will grow and you will have a beautiful baby… Congratulations on your pregnancy and I wish you all the best!! Come back and show us your progressions into motherhood… its a beautiful journey!

  8. meredith Says:
    July 1st, 2010 at 7:04 am

    You look very trim and pretty in all of your pics. You must be muscular and have what I call “lead leg” syndrome – meaning you must have a lead leg because you look like you weigh much less than you do. You’re lucky! I have the opposite problem. I’m at the low end of “normal” but chubby cheeks and a problem belly area make me appear about 20#heavier. Congrats on becoming a mother!

  9. Augustus Says:
    July 1st, 2010 at 9:53 am

    I know exactly how you feel. I just found out in April we’re expecting our third (!surprise!) child! While I’m overjoyed at the thought of another baby (now, it took some mental adjusting at first :P) I was working on losing weight before I found out (-14 lbs and losing at the time). I too am trying to stay fit for the pregnancy (not always an easy feat. I wish you luck, happiness, and a healthy, wonderful child. Remember the weight you put on is for your baby, worth every ounce, and it’s not forever, <3

  10. Marz Says:
    July 8th, 2010 at 11:32 pm

    thanks for the support, everyone. I’m at 21 weeks now, I’m at 165 and trying to convince myself the world won’t end if I go above that number. (also tryin to gauge how mad my doctor will be at my next appointment when he sees I haven’t gained any more weight– he has me down as having only gained 5lbs so far).
    When I’ve spent more than half my life desperately trying to control my body, it’s very unsettling to see my body changing like it is despite how little I’ve gained. I certainly didn’t look like this the last time I saw 165 on the scale.
    It’s a day-to-day struggle. Some days I feel beautiful and normal. Other days I feel swollen and fat and I hate everything. So far, though, the good days outweigh the bad. I’m going to keep coming here and trying to get a healthier view of myself because I know my eating disorder will always be with me, and I dont want it to effect my child’s health for the rest of its life.

  11. allison Says:
    July 18th, 2010 at 7:47 pm

    you have an amazing body, even at 16 weeks pregnant! WOW! unexpected pregnancies can seem a scary thing at first, mine was with my daughter too. she is now 26 months old, and shes the best part of my life. i even want to have another soon! i didnt work out before having her, and i was lucky enough to not have to after either! within a month and a half i was almost back to normal.
    just keep in mind, that you’re doing everything you can to keep your baby healthy and strong. you have such a supportive husband, and you two will be wonderful parents.

  12. Sarah Says:
    July 27th, 2010 at 7:07 pm

    It’s nice to read a similar story. :)

    I found out I was pregnant 6 weeks after my wedding. I had just lost 25 lbs. and was upset about becoming a mother and losing the figure I worked so hard to get. (155 lbs. to 129 lbs.) Through pregnancy I went through denial and a little depression. I kept my “bad” eating habits under control except for a few times.

    I’m 5’2″ and gained over 75 lbs. By the time I had my daughter I weighed 205 lbs… way too much for my small body.

    I thought that if I didn’t regain my figure after my daughter’s birth I would be devestated. I’m not going to lie sometimes I am disappointed, but overall, I am very happy. I do have a “mommy” tummy and fading stretch marks, but it reminds me of what I went through and the wonderful joy I have in my life. I am currently 145 lbs. I would like to lose some more, but it is not a top priority. I hope that you are able to figure out a balance between your body too. :)

  13. moi Says:
    September 22nd, 2010 at 2:40 pm

    yeah, sounds like anorexia to me (purging) have you ever done anything to adress your eating disorder? cause it is going to affect your baby aswel, having a mommy that has a low self esteem and is obsessed by her weight more than how stable she is isnt really going to help building it’s confidence. Of course it’s not easy, everyone nowadays is brainwashed by how thin you have to be and how perfect you should be. I myself am also worried how I will look after my pregnancy, I’m worried cause I can’t work out half an hour like I used to because of the morning sickness, but I try to relativate: that we only have a short life, we’ll die anyway and you can do your best but you also have to enjoy life as much as you can, and sometimes you have to accept things are not like you wish, that you don’t have control over things and that’s okay, it’s just a false impression anyway, you just can’t control many things in life. and your body doesn’t have to be perfect, there are more important things in life. it’ll be fine..

  14. Marz Says:
    September 22nd, 2010 at 9:07 pm

    @moi Actually, purging is bulimia, which I fit the requirements for because I used to purge 7-21 times a week– I just didn’t binge beforehand.
    I understand you’re trying to be supportive, but saying I can’t control my body and shouldn’t bother actually puts me on the verge of a panic attack.
    I have a great self esteem when I look the way I want to, and luckily I’m having a boy (there’s no way I’d have any confidence in my ability to raise a girl, I can admit that). I have a wonderful life, a wonderful husband, and even if I am never able to overcome my weight issues, it does not make me unstable or incapable of giving my child any confidence.
    I don’t need to be 110 lbs to be happy with myself. I just want the control and discipline.

  15. Tiphanie Says:
    November 13th, 2010 at 10:40 pm

    you look wonderful!!! in ALL of the pics! and great hubby you have there,, and as for those shipmates,, they’re just jealous of their buddies hot mama wife! Best of luck to you,,, just stay healthy and you’ll do wonderfully,, try to enjoy it all,, it flies by!

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