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Choice (Anonymous)

Right after I turned 15 years old I peed on a stick and found that my fears had become a reality. I became pregnant from sexual abuse. It’s funny how something that was not my choice gave me more choices than I knew what to do with. Part of me thought I should give my unborn baby to my sister, or my mom, or a family friend. The other part of me knew how hard it would be to watch my child grow with someone else. Part of me thought I should choose abortion. The other part of me pictured myself, at the end of my life coming to heavens gate and seeing my child there. I cried alot, I thought alot, and after my first trip to the OB I knew exactly what I was going to do. The first time I saw my son’s heartbeat on the sonogram screen I started crying. In my entire life I have never experienced so much love all at once. I remember holding his sonogram picture in my hands and just staring at it for hours. He was my baby, and I decided to be his mother. I made a choice. And it was the start of a long list of other choices I would have to make. I chose to call the police and file a report. It was hard, I was immediately taken to the childrens advocacy center and practically forced to give a detailed statement about the sexual abuse that landed me in my shoes. I learned that I would have to wait for justice until after the baby was born to collect DNA. I also learned he was already in prison by the time I filed the report for unrelated charges. We would be safe. I made a choice to leave highschool. I had just started my sophomore year and I knew it wouldnt work out. I started homeschooling and took classes at the local community college. By the time I turned 16 I had finished highschool and my first year of college. I worked two jobs til the day I delivered to have enough money for his things. About that time, my son Ryan Jeremy was born. I was exhausted from my 25 hr labor, 2 and a half hours of pushing, I could barely see straight! But as soon as they laid that little purple boy on my belly I forgot it all. I stared at his face and fell in love like the day I saw my first sonogram. As much as I would have liked to spend life in that beautiful brand new baby happy time, time marches on. I started working and going to school again two weeks after I delivered. I joined my hot college peers in thier stupid fancy brand clothing while I was still sporting maternity clothes because i had nothing else that would fit! I gained 63 lbs with my son and didnt lose much afterwards. I tried every diet I could think of and started working out 5 weeks postpartum. nothing helped. I had to eat so much food just to keep up my milk supply and I was more than dedicated to breastfeed. I never went out, I was too embarassed about how fat I am. I became sucha hermit and never had any mommy time. It took such a toll on my mood and self esteem. There I was, sixteen years old, a single mom, working two jobs, obese, covered in stretch marks, lonely, going to school full time and only got 3-4 hrs of sleep per night because I’d stay up to do my homework. I was exhausted and sad. I felt like my life wasnt my life. I felt like something else was in control and that everything I had done for over a year was simply because that was how the cookie crumbled. It wasn’t until one night that I finally broke down to my sister, a fellow mother. I told her this isnt me, this isn’t what i want, i didnt choose any of this and she looked me square in the eyes and said, “Yes, you did. You choose to finish school early so you could go to college and eventually have a good job to take care of Ryan instead of spending your life flipping burgers. You choose to work instead of living off the goverment or family. You chose to put his father in jail instead of letting him roam free in society and hurting other girls. You chose to be a mother to the baby in your belly instead of going out and partying. That was all you.” And then it all hit me. She was right! The choices I made were hard and exhausting but in comparison to my other options, they were wonderful. Despite the fact that they were also obstacles. I made those choices, just like I made the choice to love me and nurture myself. Since making that choice I have ultimately become a better mother. Making myself happy has in a way, been my gift to my son. He has a mother that respects herself and values herself even if she cant fit into anything in her age section at clothing stores. I will make the choice to put that positive influence in his life. Ryan is over a year old and as happy and healthy as can be. His biological father was sentenced to nine years in prison. I just turned seventeen and am graduating from college with my bachelors this spring-3 months shy of my 18th birthday. Life is good. God bless








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60 comments… add one

  • Jessica Wednesday, December 12, 2007, 11:32 pm

    Sweet heart you truly are an angel, Your son will be so proud to have such a determined and strong mother who gave up her youth to look after him properly. I thought being an 18 yo mother was hard but you deserve a gold medal.

  • anonymous Saturday, December 15, 2007, 10:13 pm

    You are amazing. Your story made me cry- you are strong, brave, beautiful… you’re a wonderful mother and person. I can’t tell you how much I admire you.

  • sukanya Thursday, December 27, 2007, 3:30 am

    i am 33 – almost double your age. and i would never have imagined that anyone could achieve what you have achieved. you are not just phenomenal, you are a phenomenon. oh, and yes, you, just like your baby, are absolutely, heartbreakingly beautiful.

  • lhia Sunday, January 20, 2008, 3:47 pm

    i am 27 and pregnant with my first son and i find amazing that you, at 15, managed to deal with that situation like you did, your son has a mother to be proud of, no doubt about it. Keep up your spirit and hard work and i am sure you will achieve anything you set your mind into in life, you got it in you to be a winner!!.And by the way your son is a cutie!

  • sunshowers Friday, January 25, 2008, 12:36 am

    I don’t even know how to express my admiration for you. Your baby is a very lucky little boy to have a mother like you. You’re an inspiration in the truest sense of the word.

  • jess Sunday, January 27, 2008, 5:02 am

    Wow. You are AMAZING! (I only just graduated from my bachelor’s a year ago and I am 22 and childless!) They should put you on oprah!

  • Lindsey Friday, February 22, 2008, 10:15 pm

    I am the “Queen” of understanding how life seems to always hand you a lemon instead of an orange. Most days everything in my life never seems to go right, and i wonder, “When will it get easier?” I look at my 2 babies and i think every bad thing that has happened, and all those little things that tend to build up and really piss you off somehow seems to all be ok when i look in their eyes. I had a really tough childhood, so i understand what u went through. But i am here to tell you, i came from nothing and got pregnant by the biggest asshole the world spat out, but i am also in school to be a dental hygenist and have only 2 years to go. I am telling you kids DO make the world go round and they are my own personal anti depressant drug. They fuel me to do what i need to do for them, and always want my love, and for that i am grateful. Count your blessing girl!

  • muzicbox9 Saturday, March 22, 2008, 3:18 am

    Geez, Louise! I am 33 and, to me, you are like a role model. Graduating with a Bachelor’s at 18 (didn’t get mine until I was 31!!)? RIGHT ON!! Plus you’re a Mom – and very articulate. On top of that you are really pretty!!

    I wish I could be like you, seriously. I am 37 (maybe 38 wks) pregnant with my first now. I have these hang ups about how my body is going to look afterwards … but reading your story made me think, ‘who gives a sh*t’? Seriously.

    Life’s not about having the perfect past – or having stretch mark free skin. It’s about building character, being a good friend, being a good mother, being someone who others know they can rely on, having wisdom etc. You seem to have all these things. I would like to think that I do too.

    These things cannot be affected by how you look unless you allow them to be. I’d rather have those traits than have a perfect body any day.

    Keep up the good work! Thank you for being so candid and sharing your story.

  • anna Tuesday, March 25, 2008, 10:12 pm

    you don’t look obese at all. you are amazing! a bachelor’s at 17! i went to college for 8 years and still don’t have one. you’re son is going to be sooo proud of his mother.

  • heidi Friday, July 11, 2008, 5:55 pm

    This is a really sad and amazing and beautiful story. What happened to you was awful, and yet you were able to cultivate so much love and have a gorgeous little one. You’re an amazing young woman! Your mom and loved ones must be bursting with pride for you.

    Also, you’re beautiful. And your son is a little cutie patootie. omg, his little tie! So cute!

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