The Shape of a Mother The Shape of a Mother The Shape of a Mother The Shape of a Mother The Shape of a Mother

« | Home | »

Choice (Anonymous)

October 6, 2007

Right after I turned 15 years old I peed on a stick and found that my fears had become a reality. I became pregnant from sexual abuse. It’s funny how something that was not my choice gave me more choices than I knew what to do with. Part of me thought I should give my unborn baby to my sister, or my mom, or a family friend. The other part of me knew how hard it would be to watch my child grow with someone else. Part of me thought I should choose abortion. The other part of me pictured myself, at the end of my life coming to heavens gate and seeing my child there. I cried alot, I thought alot, and after my first trip to the OB I knew exactly what I was going to do. The first time I saw my son’s heartbeat on the sonogram screen I started crying. In my entire life I have never experienced so much love all at once. I remember holding his sonogram picture in my hands and just staring at it for hours. He was my baby, and I decided to be his mother. I made a choice. And it was the start of a long list of other choices I would have to make. I chose to call the police and file a report. It was hard, I was immediately taken to the childrens advocacy center and practically forced to give a detailed statement about the sexual abuse that landed me in my shoes. I learned that I would have to wait for justice until after the baby was born to collect DNA. I also learned he was already in prison by the time I filed the report for unrelated charges. We would be safe. I made a choice to leave highschool. I had just started my sophomore year and I knew it wouldnt work out. I started homeschooling and took classes at the local community college. By the time I turned 16 I had finished highschool and my first year of college. I worked two jobs til the day I delivered to have enough money for his things. About that time, my son Ryan Jeremy was born. I was exhausted from my 25 hr labor, 2 and a half hours of pushing, I could barely see straight! But as soon as they laid that little purple boy on my belly I forgot it all. I stared at his face and fell in love like the day I saw my first sonogram. As much as I would have liked to spend life in that beautiful brand new baby happy time, time marches on. I started working and going to school again two weeks after I delivered. I joined my hot college peers in thier stupid fancy brand clothing while I was still sporting maternity clothes because i had nothing else that would fit! I gained 63 lbs with my son and didnt lose much afterwards. I tried every diet I could think of and started working out 5 weeks postpartum. nothing helped. I had to eat so much food just to keep up my milk supply and I was more than dedicated to breastfeed. I never went out, I was too embarassed about how fat I am. I became sucha hermit and never had any mommy time. It took such a toll on my mood and self esteem. There I was, sixteen years old, a single mom, working two jobs, obese, covered in stretch marks, lonely, going to school full time and only got 3-4 hrs of sleep per night because I’d stay up to do my homework. I was exhausted and sad. I felt like my life wasnt my life. I felt like something else was in control and that everything I had done for over a year was simply because that was how the cookie crumbled. It wasn’t until one night that I finally broke down to my sister, a fellow mother. I told her this isnt me, this isn’t what i want, i didnt choose any of this and she looked me square in the eyes and said, “Yes, you did. You choose to finish school early so you could go to college and eventually have a good job to take care of Ryan instead of spending your life flipping burgers. You choose to work instead of living off the goverment or family. You chose to put his father in jail instead of letting him roam free in society and hurting other girls. You chose to be a mother to the baby in your belly instead of going out and partying. That was all you.” And then it all hit me. She was right! The choices I made were hard and exhausting but in comparison to my other options, they were wonderful. Despite the fact that they were also obstacles. I made those choices, just like I made the choice to love me and nurture myself. Since making that choice I have ultimately become a better mother. Making myself happy has in a way, been my gift to my son. He has a mother that respects herself and values herself even if she cant fit into anything in her age section at clothing stores. I will make the choice to put that positive influence in his life. Ryan is over a year old and as happy and healthy as can be. His biological father was sentenced to nine years in prison. I just turned seventeen and am graduating from college with my bachelors this spring-3 months shy of my 18th birthday. Life is good. God bless








Post to Twitter Post to Facebook

60 Responses to “Choice (Anonymous)”

  1. Kate Says:
    October 6th, 2007 at 8:42 am

    What an incredible story of success!! You are such an amazingly strong person and BEAUTIFUL!! I was expecting to see pictures of an “obese” woman as you called yourself. Not even close! You have beautiful skin and bright eyes and a son that just radiates love and happiness that he gets from his mother. You should be proud of yourself you are an inspiration to everyone!

  2. Jen Says:
    October 6th, 2007 at 8:45 am

    Amazing story, thank you so much for sharing it.

  3. Jessica Says:
    October 6th, 2007 at 8:48 am

    I am so impressed by you. You are amazing.

  4. lorien Says:
    October 6th, 2007 at 9:05 am

    Lady, you are AMAZING. And beautiful.

  5. Sarah Says:
    October 6th, 2007 at 9:15 am

    You are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your story.

  6. Amy Says:
    October 6th, 2007 at 9:28 am

    You are an inspiration, and an amazing mom!!!

  7. resident_alien Says:
    October 6th, 2007 at 10:01 am

    Madam,I’m biologically older than you…but you’re the woman I wanna be when I grow up!You’re a f*#king awesome lioness-mama!And your boy is soooo gorgeous!

  8. Heather Says:
    October 6th, 2007 at 10:09 am

    HOLY COW!!! You have a lot to be proud of! Your last few sentences will ensure that your son respects his mother and knows just how much she loves him. FANTASTIC!!!

  9. Tammy Says:
    October 6th, 2007 at 10:53 am

    Just wow. This was the perfect thing to read to start my day. You go girl!!!

  10. Anna Says:
    October 6th, 2007 at 11:42 am

    You are one hell of a strong woman. It’s amazing to sit back and think of all the things we’ve gone through in our own lives- and to reflect upon all the choices. You’ve come out more happy and healthy than most other women who’ve suffered sexual assult and became pregnant. I think one of the best parts of your story is that your son will know- without any doubt in his mind how much his mum loves him!

    What an incredible example. I’m proud of you.

  11. Kim Says:
    October 6th, 2007 at 12:10 pm

    I think you are an amazing person! You have been through so much at such a young age, and I admire you very much. Your son is very cute, and lucky to have such a beautiful, wonderful mother!

  12. Deb Says:
    October 6th, 2007 at 12:45 pm

    I second the resident alien’s comment. And of course I tenth everyone else’s comment- I’m also inspired. Here’s to the happy life you chose (raising my coffee cup).

  13. Sonja Says:
    October 6th, 2007 at 12:59 pm

    There’s so much more to us than what we look like on the outside. You are amazing!

  14. Carrie Says:
    October 6th, 2007 at 3:23 pm

    You are beautiful and AMAZING! I am a plus-sized mommy and you know what, I would kill to look like you!! :) You have such a beautiful son, you are so strong and courageous! I am in awe of you! Be proud of who you are, you are totally WORTH IT!!!

  15. lisavc Says:
    October 6th, 2007 at 5:14 pm

    You’ve handled being pregnant at 15 so much better than I did. You’ve done such a wonderful job, your story riveted me. Not only that but I think you look fantastic.

  16. Sandy Says:
    October 6th, 2007 at 5:58 pm

    You are beautiful, inside and out! Thank you for making the right choices and doing right by your son. (who is absolutely adorable!) Your life is a testimony to all the young girls out there who are in your position, or who will sadly be in your position. God Bless you!!!

  17. S.M. Says:
    October 6th, 2007 at 6:37 pm

    Your story is amazing, you are beautiful and your son is adorable. Congratulations on all that you have done!

  18. blairzoo Says:
    October 6th, 2007 at 6:52 pm

    Wow! You are so inspiring. You are a fabulous role model for millions of people, and especially for your son. Your beauty and strength is so much more powerful than any stretch marks can dampen. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story, you made my day. I hope my daughters grow up to be as powerful as you. Your beauty is mind-blowing.

  19. Christine Says:
    October 6th, 2007 at 7:32 pm

    You are beautiful. A strong mama who made the right choice. As a fellow sexual abuse survivor, I am in awe of you. You are a woman who is courageous. I say well done! And obese, girl, I don’t think so!

  20. mb Says:
    October 6th, 2007 at 8:01 pm

    what an amazing testimony! i am sitting here with tears in my eyes.

  21. i-dra Says:
    October 6th, 2007 at 8:26 pm

    you are so brave & so beautiful. you had so many hard descisions thrown at you, but you navigated your way thru your life & i don’t know if it matters much, but i am so proud of you.

  22. melinda Says:
    October 7th, 2007 at 5:47 am

    Ok first let me say your son in that tie is the cutest thing ever! Your story has me in tears. You are an amazing woman! Although I have not met you I am sooo proud of you! Your son is lucky to have you! Keep up the good work.

  23. Alexis Says:
    October 7th, 2007 at 6:40 am

    Wow, what a beautiful story! You are one amazing lady!! Your son is so handsome! I wish you the very best!!

  24. marjorie Says:
    October 7th, 2007 at 7:42 am

    Your story is incredible. What difficult choices you have made. What you have gone through would be very hard for any woman, let alone a young teenage girl. You are very wise, and so is your sister. Your baby is lovely. I wish you both God’s blessings.

  25. amanda Says:
    October 7th, 2007 at 7:51 am

    Wow! Thank you for sharing your story. You are a very strong woman and your love for your son is obvious. He will grow up knowing how much you care for him.

  26. Dea Says:
    October 7th, 2007 at 10:23 am

    Oh wow! I agree that you are amazing! Congrats on gradding from uni! And on your beautiful baby!

  27. Tertia Says:
    October 7th, 2007 at 11:16 am

    I never comment. But I had to delurk to say how much I admire you. You really are an inspiration. Well done. Your son is a lucky boy to have a mommy like you

    Tertia
    South Africa

  28. Stephanie Says:
    October 7th, 2007 at 11:45 am

    You are SO amazing! You have made SO many hard choices and had SO many success so early in your life! You are taking care of your son and making yourself the best mom and woman you can be. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!

  29. Anna Says:
    October 7th, 2007 at 1:38 pm

    Wow! What a great story! You are such a strong woman and your son is very lucky to have you for him mommy. You are dedicated, strong and self motivated…and BEAUTIFUL to boot!! Kudos to you!

    Anna, mom to 4 girls

  30. Avery Says:
    October 7th, 2007 at 6:12 pm

    Amazing story written by an amazing, strong and beautiful mother! You and your son are going to have an amazing life.

  31. elizabeth Says:
    October 7th, 2007 at 7:58 pm

    YOU are AMAZING. what an inspiration! You have such a amazing life ahead of you… and your son sure does too!

  32. Jill Says:
    October 7th, 2007 at 11:27 pm

    I usually skim over the long stories on this site, but I read every word of yours, and I am so glad that I did because I am filled with pride for you and all you have done! I am almost ten years your senior, but you have accomplished TEN TIMES more than I have, and I take off my hat to you! Oh, and you are FAR from obese, hon – don’t be so hard on yourself! You have a great body, and that is only one of your many achievements. Congratulations and I hope you continue to go above and beyond in your life. :)

  33. Ruth Says:
    October 8th, 2007 at 2:39 am

    You are an amazing woman and a huge inspiration!!! Forget the stretch marks, they are NOTHING in comparison to the WHOLE person, that is so incredibly wonderful and beautiful! God bless you!

  34. ash Says:
    October 8th, 2007 at 7:08 am

    Congratulations on your beautiful boy and your amazing decisions!

  35. Melissa Says:
    October 8th, 2007 at 7:33 am

    You are such an inspiration!! Thank you for sharing this. You refused to be a victim and are rising like a phoenix from the ashes of abuse. Keep your chin up and know that you are AMAZING!! You will go far in life, and someday will meet someone who recognizes how truly special, gorgeous, talented and incredible you are!

  36. Tammy Says:
    October 8th, 2007 at 9:23 am

    If you were speaking in front of a packed auditorium, this would be the time that we all give you a standing ovation. I am so inspired by your story and in awe of your courage and strength. Your perseverance will not only benefit your son but also future generations to come.

    Our world needs more mothers like YOU. Bravo, dear. Bravo.

  37. Jen Says:
    October 8th, 2007 at 6:54 pm

    Many stories on this site have left me awed and inspired, but none as much as yours has. Your strength and courage are truly amazing. You have survived and made the absolute best out of all of the harm that was done to you. You have turned your lumps of coal into diamonds my dear. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

  38. Jennifer Meadows Says:
    October 8th, 2007 at 7:37 pm

    You are such an amazing person! Words cannot express how amazing your story was. Its wonderful that you took the time to share your inspirational story with everyone. Hats off to you!

  39. Elizabeth Says:
    October 8th, 2007 at 11:07 pm

    I love you!!

  40. shi Says:
    October 8th, 2007 at 11:10 pm

    This is an absolutely amazing story. You are an amazing, compassionate, wonderful woman, and your son is blessed to have a mother like you. God Bless you for taking your sons life and gaurding it when others would have wanted to destroy it, God Bless you for standing up for him during a time when I can’t imagine the pain you were feeling. You are a truly amazing woman and I wish you and your beautiful son a full and happy life.

  41. Chris Says:
    October 9th, 2007 at 1:47 pm

    I cannot say any more than what others have already posted. I do reaffirm what they have said.

    YOU ROCK!!

    May you and your son live a blissful life. Best wishes…

    YOU STILL SO TOTALLY ROCK!!

  42. Jessica Says:
    October 9th, 2007 at 10:50 pm

    You’re very brave for having this baby. When i was raped, i got pregnant too. I miscarried very early in, but had i not lost the child i know i would have aborted it. I was 14, so pretty young myself.
    Your son is beautiful btw. I love the little shirt & tie combo. He looks like such a little gentleman.

  43. Mistie Says:
    October 11th, 2007 at 5:47 pm

    You are a truly inspiring person. Reading your story brought tears to my eyes. I admire you for all you have done. Although I was not abused I fell pregnant at 19 and I too chose a life like yours. Love yourself, you are a gorgeous person, inside and out. Your son is very lucky to have you. I wish you all the best and all the love in the world.

  44. Lloyd Says:
    October 12th, 2007 at 7:03 am

    You are a SuperWoman! I don’t know a man that would be so strong. May you continue to find support and love from those closest to you. You are so far ahead of those your age! You have an awesome life ahead of you! I pray Ryan Jeremy will also benefit from your strength and determination! If a man can’t look at you from the neck up and find you desireable – he doesn’t deserve you!

  45. Sarah Says:
    October 13th, 2007 at 10:37 pm

    I have 1 son and 3 daughters and I hope I can raise these kids to be as strong as you are. Grown women (by grown I mean older) face less and it tears them apart. Thank you for sharing your story with us! You are beautiful inside and out!

  46. Barbara Says:
    October 14th, 2007 at 3:10 pm

    I’m so proud of you, and i dont even know you. I have read many touching stories yet none has prompted me to comment. I too am a teen mom. You are a beautiful girl, with a gorgeous son and a promising life ahead. May god bless you…

    and p.s. not sure if you had any but how did you get your marks on ya stomach to diminish?

  47. Emily Says:
    October 17th, 2007 at 1:59 pm

    Wow, what an amazing and beautiful story. You have me in tears. Like some one else said, I am so proud of you although I dont know you. You are amazing! Enjoy that little boy!

  48. Stine from norway! Says:
    November 13th, 2007 at 1:33 pm

    Wow! I am so proud of you! You reaally have had a hard time, but you ade you trough it! it’s amazing!

    Ps, sorry for the wrong spelling…:p

    And good luck in the future!

  49. Margie Says:
    November 13th, 2007 at 7:34 pm

    Thank you for this wonderful post… you sound like an amazingly strong and honest, beautiful person. Your son Ryan Jeremy (beautiful name, by the way) is lucky to have you!

  50. briana Says:
    November 14th, 2007 at 8:48 am

    i think your amazing im 21 and i got pregnant by choice i chose to have a baby and i was raped and couldnt imagine having a rapist baby even if it were half mine i dont think i could be as strong as you and you did it at 15 that is just amazing i think you should be so proud of yourself for being such a strong person.

  51. Jessica Says:
    December 12th, 2007 at 11:32 pm

    Sweet heart you truly are an angel, Your son will be so proud to have such a determined and strong mother who gave up her youth to look after him properly. I thought being an 18 yo mother was hard but you deserve a gold medal.

  52. anonymous Says:
    December 15th, 2007 at 10:13 pm

    You are amazing. Your story made me cry- you are strong, brave, beautiful… you’re a wonderful mother and person. I can’t tell you how much I admire you.

  53. sukanya Says:
    December 27th, 2007 at 3:30 am

    i am 33 – almost double your age. and i would never have imagined that anyone could achieve what you have achieved. you are not just phenomenal, you are a phenomenon. oh, and yes, you, just like your baby, are absolutely, heartbreakingly beautiful.

  54. lhia Says:
    January 20th, 2008 at 3:47 pm

    i am 27 and pregnant with my first son and i find amazing that you, at 15, managed to deal with that situation like you did, your son has a mother to be proud of, no doubt about it. Keep up your spirit and hard work and i am sure you will achieve anything you set your mind into in life, you got it in you to be a winner!!.And by the way your son is a cutie!

  55. sunshowers Says:
    January 25th, 2008 at 12:36 am

    I don’t even know how to express my admiration for you. Your baby is a very lucky little boy to have a mother like you. You’re an inspiration in the truest sense of the word.

  56. jess Says:
    January 27th, 2008 at 5:02 am

    Wow. You are AMAZING! (I only just graduated from my bachelor’s a year ago and I am 22 and childless!) They should put you on oprah!

  57. Lindsey Says:
    February 22nd, 2008 at 10:15 pm

    I am the “Queen” of understanding how life seems to always hand you a lemon instead of an orange. Most days everything in my life never seems to go right, and i wonder, “When will it get easier?” I look at my 2 babies and i think every bad thing that has happened, and all those little things that tend to build up and really piss you off somehow seems to all be ok when i look in their eyes. I had a really tough childhood, so i understand what u went through. But i am here to tell you, i came from nothing and got pregnant by the biggest asshole the world spat out, but i am also in school to be a dental hygenist and have only 2 years to go. I am telling you kids DO make the world go round and they are my own personal anti depressant drug. They fuel me to do what i need to do for them, and always want my love, and for that i am grateful. Count your blessing girl!

  58. muzicbox9 Says:
    March 22nd, 2008 at 3:18 am

    Geez, Louise! I am 33 and, to me, you are like a role model. Graduating with a Bachelor’s at 18 (didn’t get mine until I was 31!!)? RIGHT ON!! Plus you’re a Mom – and very articulate. On top of that you are really pretty!!

    I wish I could be like you, seriously. I am 37 (maybe 38 wks) pregnant with my first now. I have these hang ups about how my body is going to look afterwards … but reading your story made me think, ‘who gives a sh*t’? Seriously.

    Life’s not about having the perfect past – or having stretch mark free skin. It’s about building character, being a good friend, being a good mother, being someone who others know they can rely on, having wisdom etc. You seem to have all these things. I would like to think that I do too.

    These things cannot be affected by how you look unless you allow them to be. I’d rather have those traits than have a perfect body any day.

    Keep up the good work! Thank you for being so candid and sharing your story.

  59. anna Says:
    March 25th, 2008 at 10:12 pm

    you don’t look obese at all. you are amazing! a bachelor’s at 17! i went to college for 8 years and still don’t have one. you’re son is going to be sooo proud of his mother.

  60. heidi Says:
    July 11th, 2008 at 5:55 pm

    This is a really sad and amazing and beautiful story. What happened to you was awful, and yet you were able to cultivate so much love and have a gorgeous little one. You’re an amazing young woman! Your mom and loved ones must be bursting with pride for you.

    Also, you’re beautiful. And your son is a little cutie patootie. omg, his little tie! So cute!

Comments


Support This Site