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A hole in my heart so big it could swallow an ocean. (Autumn)

AGE 32, 5 PREGNANCIES/0 CHILDREN

My wife and I got married two years ago after a whirlwind courtship. I knew when I met her, that I wanted a family with her. So after 8 months of blissful matrimony, We chose a sperm donor and went to the fertility doctor. I had been tracking my ovulation date for a few months and boy, were we surprised that I got pregnant on the first try! We were so excited, that we went ahead and told everyone. 5 weeks later, my HCG dropped off and there was only a blighted ovum. I was okay, so we tried again. Same thing. Third times the charm? Not so much. I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks, and had to have a d&C. The clots I started passing were huge, then came the fever. I had retained some products and was sick. After a long while(and a LOT of medication), I quietly slipped into a deep depression. My 13 year old cat, whom I loved more than life, also was very sick and rapidly declining. I kept taking the oxycodone my neurologist prescribed. Then, we thought we would try to inseminate me one more time. That same month, my body stopped responding and my period vanished. I found out that the pain medication is making me infertile. My cat died, my marriage is suffering, I have zero sex drive and it seems that every day, there is someone new on facebook announcing their pregnancies. Its killing me. If I stop the medicine, I might regain my cycle, but I will be in severe pain. My wife is supportive, but I need more hope. Has anyone gone through this neverending darkness? When will the light return?

in Child Loss, Infertility, Mom over 30, No Photos (Story Only), Submissions

7 comments… add one

  • Autum Tuesday, January 13, 2015, 10:58 am

    I am terribly sorry for your losses. I too suffered a blighted ovum and it nearly killed me. I spent months thinking I did something wrong because I had never heard of a blighted ovum before. Sorry if this sounds nosy but has your doctors found out why the miscarriages keep happening? Maybe your wife could try and carry or as a last resort try a surrogate? I wish there was more I can help with, but I send luck and prayers your way and hope some day you have a healthy baby ???? take care

  • momsugar Tuesday, January 13, 2015, 12:07 pm

    Take a breath. …and another. Now slow down, and take another longer breath. You my dear, are loved. You are loved so much. You obviously have love to give and lets start with yourself. That big whole in your heart, it is not a hole that is empty, it is a whole that is put there to allow your light to shine. The light wont shine down on you, it will shine through you. You have been given a light inside you. Connect to your light. Your gifts, your abilities. Grow stronger each day in the light that is within you. Take a walk today and notice the leaves, the trees, the grass and the sun. Notice how the trees are all different. Some grow straight, some grow to the side. Some have many leaves and some have no leaves. In this time of year many trees leaves are gone. This doesn’t mean that next year they wont come back. It means that they are in this part of their cycle. Be ok with where you are right now. Where you are RIGHT NOW. Find something beautiful in this moment. Find it within yourself. xoxo namaste

  • Susi Tuesday, January 13, 2015, 12:59 pm

    [[[[HUGS]]]]

    I am so, so sorry for all your losses. No joke that the hole in your heart could swallow an ocean – you have been through so much.

    My best words of encouragement for you are to find a good therapist and get through this darkness. The pendulum always swings, and even though it seems stuck in the darkness now, it will come back. A good therapist to whom you relate can help you find the light again. Psychology Today has a therapist finder on its website – http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/?utm_source=PT_Psych_Today&utm_medium=House_Link&utm_campaign=PT_TopNav_Find_Therapist.

    Good luck to you. Sending you a little candle to help you through this neverending black hole. <3

  • lr Friday, January 16, 2015, 1:00 pm

    I am so sorry for your losses. Wishing you strength and peace in whatever you decide to do next.
    My own story started similarly and I share it knowing that you are looking for stories of hope. I also fell pregnant easily but suffered loss after loss, the first at 11wks, the second (a blighted ovum) at 8wks, the third at 7wks. I thought the darkness would never lift and couldn’t even remember why we wanted to have a baby at all, everything just felt so bleak and hopeless. We were lucky our fourth time and I’m now mother to a joyful toddler and pregnant for a fifth time – at 20wks all appears well.
    Pregnancy loss is cruel and a heavy burden to carry. I was always reassured that even after each subsequent loss, it was always much, much more likely that the next pregnancy would be healthy rather than not.
    Sending solidarity and heartfelt wishes for better times to come

  • Marina Thursday, January 29, 2015, 10:47 am

    Hi,
    I’m from Germany so please appologize my bad English.

    I want to spend you some hope. I know what you are feeling now.

    The first abort happened 2 weeks before I get married. I made the test together with my best friend. We are friends since schooltime and now she was in the same week of pregnany. We totally freaking out that we can enjoy our pregnancys together, went shopping little dresses and so on. A few weeks later my doctor told me that he can’t see the Embryo. The HCG was high but not high enough. 2 weeks later he decided to stop the pregnancy and sent me to the hospital. I thought- ok, that could happened. Go ahaed. I was full of love with my husband, saw the growing belly from my best friend every week and was full of hope that I will be a mother some day too.
    6 month later – 2 weeks before christmas – the same story! This time my sister in law was also pregnant…
    I thought that must be a hard joke from the universe or a test from god? It hurts more than the first time but with a lot of help from my friends and family I get over it again. 7 months later- my other best friend Isabel told me about her pregnancy. I was so happy for her and much more as I found out that I’m pregnant too. But even this dream ended a few weeks later only for me.
    I felt in a big black whole for months. A deep depression.
    Then christmas 2013 (after a lot of work with NLP and my Mentalcoach) we decided to stopp that unhappy project for a while and live will go on without kids for us. We prepared two silvesterrockets. The first one stood for all that pain, bad thoughts and doubts we had the last 2 years. The other one for everything we are thankfull for and what we whished for our future. My husband and I celebrated the silvester night alone, with tears, hugs, kisses and in the end we felt relieved and much better…

    In January we flew to California and Hawaii. On the flight back home I felt that I was pregnant again. The test one day later was positive and a few weeks later we could saw the heartbeat of our baby…

    Now he is a three months old beautiful, healthy and happy babyboy. Don’t give up – only the bad thoughts you have in mind. Let it go to go ahead. I hope you understand what I mean and sorry for the bad translation! I whish you all the best.

    Marina

  • Charlie Monday, February 23, 2015, 7:46 am

    Oh dear lady. I hope you both hold each other tight and battle on together. I can only imagine your pain. But have a little bit of an insight.
    Here is my story. It’s long but i hope it gives you some hope.
    I suffered a fractured vertebrae at 15.
    My mum passed away when I was 19 of cancer. She was 43.
    I met my husband at 20 and married him at 22. We intended to save for a few years and then start a family. But after two years I changed jobs and so stuck at that one for a while before planning to start a family. But at 27 I was in a car accident and now suffer from the fracture plus a slipped disc and buldging disc and nerve pain/siatica. Eventually I had to stop work and was/am on morphine daily. Being stuck at home in debt etc led to deep depression and anxiety and eventually agoraphobia and panic disorder.
    There was no way I was going to bring a child into this world when my head wasn’t in the right place. As is always said I’ll never have children if I’m over 30 because it’s too old, I figured I would put it to the back of my mind. I’ve never told anyone but I thought about being a mother almost daily. It broke my heart.
    After 8y when I was nearly 35, i got off the medication (antidepressants and sleeping tablets) and we tried for a baby with the intent Of lowering morphine dose if possible once I became pregnant. Yes I know I was over 30 hahaha but I desperately wanted to be a mum.
    Second month of trying we fell pregnant. I was Beyond happy and bubs due date was my late mothers birthday. Sadly I miscarried at 6w and one week later found out my brother and his wife were expecting a few weeks after I would have been. It was so hard – especially as I didn’t have my fathers support (he was more interested in the ‘live’ baby my SIL was carrying and expected me to ‘get over it’). I MC naturally and Fell pregnant following month but test only showed positive for 2 days then disappeared. – chemical pregnancy they call it. Still a real pregnancy but i MC within a few days after embryo would have attached. Again it was a natural MC.
    We the. Fell pregnant again two months later and this time all was going well until I had slight spotting at 9w. Went for an ultrasound at 9.5w to be told ‘blighted ovum’ HCG was 50,000+ and climbing. I wanted to MC naturally (prefer no intervention incase of a mistake by dr, plus was wondering if it was punishment for things i had done wrong in life). So I waited and suffered a lot of pain but at 13w had to have a D&C. My body didn’t want to let go of the pregnancy so intervention was needed. I was crushed & Believed there was no chance of being a mum.
    I was already booked in to see a fertility specialist as I was 35 an felt time was limited. I attended the appointment and had bloodwork done. Unbeknown to us I was again pregnant – just. I was about 8w when we got the blood test results back and was made to see a Haematologist straight away. They diagnosed Antiphospholopid syndrome and I was immediately put on daily injections of clexane. I was told My blood clots too much which stops bloodflow to the placenta so embryo/bub can’t survive. Unfortunately I have all 3 ‘markers’ they test for which puts me at high risk of clots/dvt/severe stroke etc. I thank my lucky stars (or that 1 angel up there looking out for me) I found out, as I could easily have lost that baby too. I didn’t. She is now 18m old & a terror. We would love to have another baby but this time I am well aware of the risks to me an baby. Im obese, on morphine, have this blood disorder and am now nearly 38 and husband is 40.
    I’m extremely surprised I went full term with our daughter as people with Hughes/Antiphospholopid syndrome rarely get to term. I was glad I was oblivious to the risks back then as the stress and anxiety of knowing how serious my condition is would have probably caused a loss anyway.
    A high percentage of women who have 3 or more MC go on to find out they have Hughes! Please get that checked – even if just to rule it out. If you had this syndrome then Daily injections are a simple fix for a chance to have a baby.
    Long story I know, but wanted you to know i waited patiently for 10y to have our daughter . I was on morphine while pregnant- monitered closely and I reduced dose daily as much as I could handle on the day – a healthy bub is a great motivator ;) and was able to find the likely cause of the MC’s and blighted ovum.
    Please don’t give up just yet. You still have time, and trust me… All this heartache is so worth it! Best of luck to you both. I hope one day soon you too have a happy healthy baby to give all your love to. :)

  • Emily Monday, March 2, 2015, 3:03 pm

    Miscarriage is such a difficult thing to deal with. I had a miscarriage, and it nearly destroyed me and my relationship with my fiancé, despite the fact that we hadn’t been trying. So many friends of mine have experienced the same loss, and it is never, ever easy to cope with. My heart goes out to you.

    You’re not alone though. Many brave and beautiful women have walked the same dark path as yourself. Sometimes it turns happier, sometimes not. Definitely see a different doctor and get a second opinion as to why this is happening.

    I hope and pray that one day, you will be able to be wonderful mothers. Is your wife able to try? That could be an option, but I don’t want to cause offence if there’s a reason why she hasn’t as yet.

    Breathe deeply and try to find happiness again.

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