Previous Posts: Who am I & Missing you always and forever
My love for myself is as I would describe it…Damaged. Those who used to know me, knew me as a fun loving person, someone who loved to dance, sing, act and laugh. What they didn’t know about me is that when I was the pure age around 5..? I learned of oral sex from a kid about 5 or so years older. At about the age of 7 is when it ended, when as I can remember my little brother caught things happening and told my mom. I don’t remember what my mom said to me but since then I have felt only disgust for myself. My therapist finally got this out of me just about 5 years ago, she wanted my mom to come to my counselling session with me at some point. I procrastinated asking my mom because I felt embarrassed, then she got sick and I didn’t want to put any more on her “plate”. Well now my mom has passed and I talk to her all the time still but I will never be able to hear any answers to the questions and hurt I have been through. I don’t blame her though or the boy who sexually and emotionally scarred me. I later found out that the boy himself had been abused and I felt sad for him as well. My therapist has tried to make me imagine myself talking to the little girl I once was but it is so difficult because of the disgust and hate I felt for myself has only grown over the many years of self loathing.
I can remember in grade 6 (GRADE 6) laying in the bathtub looking at my “fat” stomach wishing I was thinner, looking in the mirror and wishing I was pretty. I can’t believe how young I was to feel such hate, to feel so alone. I sat one day on the floor of the bathroom and cried until I couldn’t see, I took a razor and marked my wrist, it was a small mark because it hurt and I was scared and do you know what I thought of myself? That I was weak, I couldn’t even cut my wrist. I came out of the bathroom and my brothers friend was in the kitchen and he asked if I was ok, I said “Yes” and that was that. I was never the girl who got the boy, that is until high school when I was thin (sometimes starving), out of the “awkward” stage, and had been to the tanning beds way to often. Boys started to take an interest and I loved it, not realizing how damaging it could be to me. They only wanted one thing and I was no use to them if I said no. I never slept with many, but I can honestly say now that I’m an adult I wish I would’ve waited for “the one”.
The summer before my grade 12 year is when I met “the one”, he was sexy, he was funny and everyone knew of him. He went to school with my sister who is a couple years older than I and she can remember me having a crush on _____________. I can remember when we started dating I actually said to him “I can’t believe I’m dating _________”. I was so young and in love. After about 3 months of dating I found out I had an STD from a previous partner and needed surgery very soon. I was terrified of losing this man I put on a pedestal but I told him anyway. He was amazing through it all, he went to 2 surgeries with me and never made me feel bad for exposing him to HPV. We both said I love you very early on and he proposed just 9 months after we started dating. Of course I said yes! I would get “Are you actually marrying _________(first and last name)?!” like he was some star. Looking back I guess I never felt like I measured up to him. Fast forward to my “Who am I” post and “Missing you always and forever” post and that basically brings us to today.
I am broken down and feel like I can no longer fight. 3 months ago my husband told me he is addicted to porn. I asked him for how long he said since before me. It shattered whatever I had left in me. I have taken this man to couples counselling and he assured me and my therapist that there was nothing going on, he basically let me and my therapist believe it was my own insecurities all these years that made me question his love and attraction for me. He fooled us both. I sat by the grave yard for hours wishing I could talk to and hug my mom. I drove to a friends house after that and passed by train tracks and contemplated suicide. I parked beside the tracks for a while but continued on to my friends house. I contacted my therapist the next day. I had so many thoughts and questions….
It feels like I’ve been cheated on multiple times.
You proved my fear (of not being or looking good enough for you)….. right.
Every time you chose porn it was over me and our relationship and family.
It hurts so bad that you have to learn to want and like me again.
I hate you so much it hurts.
I feel bad for you.
I feel angry that I feel bad for you.
I feel dead inside.
I feel like I was cheated out of the last 14 years of my life, our relationship feels like a sham.
I want to burn every picture of us and my boudoir album that you chose not to look at and instead looked and watched them.
I feel that someone who loves another wouldn’t put them through this.
I feel like our home is broken.
I feel like this is the last straw on my self-esteem.
I feel like I lost my husband and best friend.
I feel like you didn’t protect me. I’m scared that I will never feel sexy or beautiful again.
I feel so stupid that I never knew.
I’m scared that I will never feel loved again.
I’m scared We will never be ok.
I’m scared We won’t work it out.
“And unlike other drugs, which users get out of their system, pornographic images stay imprinted in the brain.”
“What is disturbing, however, is that in clinical trials where subjects are exposed to repeated presentations of pornography over a six week period, the subjects are found by the end of the trial to devalue monogamy and cease to regard marriage as a lasting institution.”
I will never be able to get this out of my head.
I will have a panic attack and cry every time we have sex or try to have sex.
I will never trust you.
You will go back to using porn.
I will have this burning in my stomach and chest forever.
I will always be nauseous.
I’m scared that I am too weak to leave and I am scared that I should leave.
I’m scared we won’t feel like a family again.
I’m scared I will feel like you are always looking at other women or ARE looking at other women.
I’m scared I will never trust you to be alone again.
I’m scared you will skin to skin cheat.
You chose them over me for 14 years, I’m scared you always will or want to.
All these years I have felt alone. All these years I’ve been telling you I need more, I need the compliments and reassurance. All these years you have been choosing other women over me. All these years we could’ve been having sex, instead you made me feel not good enough. You didn’t compliment me, you lied to my face, you made me feel crazy that I felt like something just wasn’t right. How am I to do this!!!
How come porn is so easily accessible and cheap …… FREE even!! I have even looked at it myself because my husband told me he had favorites so of course curiosity got the best of me and now I know what his “ideal” woman looks like and know that I will never look anything close to it even if I lost weight and had multiple surgeries I wouldn’t look like that. I wish it did not exist. I can’t even sleep in the same bed as my own husband anymore. I feel like porn has taken my person and my home (my safe place) away from me. Even though my husband is going to an addictions counsellor once a week, reading and doing work books, and I am seeing my own therapist, I am still scared with what choices I am left with. If I leave, I am leaving the man I love and can’t imagine being without. I also can’t imagine seeing him and my boys with another woman in their lives with this option. My second choice would be to stay, and to stay means to let go (not forgive), I will need to let go and try to move forward with little trust and having the feelings I do I don’t know how……