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My Story (Anonymous)

Age: 34
Number of children: 1
Pregnancies: 3
Age of child: 8 months

We started trying in January 2009. The global economy had melted down, Obama had just been inaugurated & I was 28. Seemed like a good time to try for a baby as we’d been together for 5 years!

Months passed. Every 29 days I’d wake up to my period. Finally, by August 2010 the doctor (our GP) FINALLY agreed to do testing (please note: Do not wait this long! A year of trying if under 35 or 6 months if over 35, then please get checked out). I’d tried running less, acupuncture, and the pink bible of fertility ‘Taking Charge of your Fertility’.

It turned out we were dealing with severe male factor. My husband had an undescended testicle at birth which turned into testicular cancer in 2005 – luckily it was caught early and was surgically removed with no radiation or chemotherapy.

To say he didn’t take it well is a bit of an understatement. I threw my hands up as he didn’t want to do fertility treatment, and I took a better job in a big city 7 hours away. After nearly 2 years apart, confirmation that IVF with ICSI – the process of finding the few good sperm and injecting them directly into the egg – was our only hope, I’d basically given up on the thought of having kids, but found a job locally and moved back.

Surprise! I was naturally pregnant! By accident! I had started gaining weight despite working out a lot and eating clean, and that was my tip off. We started getting excited and saw the local midwife as she was recommend. Unfortunately, she delayed the prenatal testing ultrasound (I had gone for the blood test), and we started telling people after 12 weeks. If I’d had the ultrasound I would have known the pregnancy wasn’t viable. At 15 weeks I started bleeding and it was confirmed it was a missed miscarriage, and the baby had stopped growing at 10 weeks. I was given misoprostol and laboured in the ER. It was heartbreaking. The fetus was a girl and had trisomy 22.

Now we wanted to have a baby and got a referral to the fertility clinic again. More tests in the spring of 2013 with an IVF start in the fall. We went for the seminar in August 2013 and surprise! Pregnant again!

But 4 days after the blood test at the clinic I started bleeding. A miscarriage at 6.5 weeks. Luckily the doctor thought it was weird considering there was no family history and everything looked good on my side, so she ordered the Repeated Pregnancy Loss testing.

I got 2 calls the next day after my blood was taken (12 vials), one from the specialist and the other from our family doctor. It turns out my feeling down, depression and weight issues that had cropped up in the last couple years were due to Hashimoto’s disease. It’s an autoimmune disease that attacks the thyroid and the most common cause of hypothyroidism in the West.

So I started on medication and started to feel better, lost weight. Unfortunately, between long term infertility, two miscarriages and thyroid disease my work and social life was suffering greatly. going from a great to poor performance review in one year. It’s hard to explain this in a professional setting.

I started the IVF medications in March 2014. It’s very expensive, stressful, and the side effects are crazy. I was monitored in a city 4 hours away at the satellite clinic, and had to travel to a bigger clinic 7 hours away for the IVF-ICSI. Waiting rooms at fertility clinics are silent places, despite everyone going through the same thing. The most support is made through online connections.

Everything looked great but despite having 15-20 large follicles during monitoring only 5 eggs were retrieved. I was heartbroken. We’d put nearly $10,000, 5 years and so much heartbreak. But they were good eggs and 4/5 went to day 5. We transferred one and it worked!

I’m sure at this point you’ve realized we have weird luck. There was a bleeding scare at 7 weeks due to the progesterone suppository. We chose the new NIPT testing due to the ease and accuracy – and decided we were okay with non fetal issues such as Down’s or Kleinfelters, but that I could not handle a fatal trisomy again. Everything came out fine, and we were told it was a girl. But at the 20 week ultrasound, it was noted the placenta was low and the umbilical cord had one artery instead of two.

So I was put on pelvic rest (and my small office shuttered down due to lack of work, this was a blessing in some ways, although not financially). I was running, swimming and lifting before the diagnosis and had to stop high impact and lifting more than 10 lbs. Oh, and no sex.

We’d been given the preemie speech due to both conditions, that she may not grow properly and need to come out early via c-section. The week before the scheduled c-section the placenta finally moved. I ended up overdue, and after 11 days over, 60 hours of labour and an emergency c-section due to DVT in my leg, we finally met our beautiful daughter. And she is so gorgeous, even as a newborn. And large.

I gained weight, lost muscle and my upper thighs and tummy have stretchmarks from the last few weeks of pregnancy (honestly by week 38, I thought I was in the clear for no stretch marks). My confidence in my body was at an all time low. It’s coming back now as I take my baby out in the stroller and hiking, and am back lifting, but it’s hard to accept at times, especially when it seems everyone else in town in back in shape so quickly with their tiny babies (lots of 6 lb newborns). But I can workout, see the dermatologist, etc. I know there are lots of women who would gladly take some weight and stretchies to have a baby in their arms, and I think about how lucky we are to finally have a beautiful baby after so much time and heartbreak.

Categories: Cesarean, Child Loss, Infertility, Mom over 30, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy, Thyroid Issues

Disgusting Body (Anonymous)

I’m 18 years old. I have a five week old baby and he’s amazing I love him so much and he’s just made my life completely amazing! I look at him and I’ve never felt so happy he’s is genuinely the most beautiful baby boy!

Then there’s another part of my life when I’m on my own and I just sit on the bathroom floor and sob at what I look and feel like postpartum. I still weigh the same as I did when I was pregnant, a 2.5/3stone bigger than before, at 12 1/2 stone. Throughout my teenage years I hated myself, I was so insecure always wearing loads of clothes and feeling depressed about it, at about 15/16 I started to feel better about myself as I started meeting boys etc, at 17 I met my partner and he made me feel great! I’ve never felt so comfortable with anyone and I love him so much! I started to be ok with my body and maybe even liked it! This for me is amazing, at 18 I got pregnant and when pregnant although I felt a bit fat I could take comfort in what my body was doing for my baby boy and be happy about it. But after pregnancy I kind of expected it to just go back to normal, but it really didn’t, I didn’t even really look at myself in the mirror that much before or when I was pregnant and now I feel like id taken my body for granted because now I can’t even look in the mirror without hearing horrible thoughts. ” your disgusting, look at how much saggy fat you can grab.” “You can’t go out looking like that, your going to embarrass him, your fat.”
And it’s true I’m sure i do embarrass him, my partner, sometimes he says things that make me feel so terrible. Nothing really intentionally horrible but just remarks that he Dosent see my side of. I feel like he thinks if he makes me feel bad then I’ll work harder but it dosent work like tht and I jut feel worse. When I feel like this I just can’t eat and then I feel a bit better and have something quite healthy but then I feel like this again and stop eating. I try to exercise but It jut feels pointless, it dosent seem to help atall.

I feel like just as I was started to like my body I ruined it. I had a saggy, fat, flabby belly, an unlimited amount of stretch marks of my belly, hips, breasts, legs and the ones on my belly carry on a lot further down that i would like to admit as well. My breasts are a a bit saggy and I’m just all around fatter, big thighs, bum, really big hips ect. I’m on 5″1 and I have 36GG breasts and massive hips, so you can imagine how kinda strange I must look already and how hard it was to dress how I thought was nice. Now I have no idea what to wear. I feel like wearing big hoodies and joggers but just can’t. I made the mistake Of trying on my size 12 pre pregnancy jeans and couldn’t get them past my thighs and this made me feel disgusting! I can now only wear leggings like when I was pregnant, before that I had never worn when before that as I thought they showed too much, too fitted I guess, now I have no idea how to dress. I look horrible in everything and I’m so scared that my partner thinks I’m disgusting too. Went to a primary school today and I saw all these really young women with two kids who looked so skinny and gorgeous and I was younger, I guess I felt like I was supposed to be the younger skinnier one. Yet I looked like this. It’s so hard to feel good, this voice is always there telling me how disgusting I am, I still feel shocked when I see how horrible my body looks.

I just want to feel okay again, get rid of these stretch marks and all this fat. I want to feel like my boyfriends attracted to me again. I want to feel like me again not this sorry excuse for a women .

Categories: Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions

I’m 20 years old, young I know, and I got pregnant with my baby boy on my birthday haha I had a healthy pregnancy and it all went great. He was born May 24, 2015. Well after all of the after birth bleeding I got a regular period after 2 months had passed. Then the next month my period never came so I thought I was just adjusting to the changes. I did start worrying a little because me and the father weren’t being careful, so I took a pregnancy test and it came up negative, so I went to get on birth control 2 weeks later and the doctor told me that I was pregnant so we scheduled an ultrasound since I had no idea how far along I was. When it came time for my ultrasound all he could find was the sac.. he measured it and said I was 5 weeks along which honestly didn’t really add up cuz I figured I would have been like 8 weeks along but my body could still be messed up right? well I started having very light bleeding, no clots, mild cramps. Am I even pregnant?? Idk what to think or how to feel and my bf left me and I have no friends due to my bf so I have nobody to talk to..I need advice ladies please

Categories: No Photos (Story Only), Second Pregnancy, Submissions