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Anonymous

When I found this site today, I felt like a small part of me could heal. My story is a lot different than most on this site.

My fiance and I are high school sweethearts who have been together for 8 years. We bought our first house a year ago and were working on fixing it up when we found out I was expecting. We were so happy and immediately started preparing for our baby. My pregnancy was perfect. I was 23 and very healthy, no morning sickness, no high blood pressure, gained 35 pounds! We had our first ultrasound on November 11th. I knew that it was a girl the whole time. My fiance wanted a boy so bad. The ultrasound tech asked if we wanted to know the sex. I said, ” I already know its a girl.” She said, ” Honey youre right, its a girl!” The next 8 months were spent getting ready for our daughter. We watched as my belly grew. We named our daughter Ava Carmella after my fiance’s beloved Nana. Ava was always active, kicking me in my ribs until it ached! Andrew spent every waking minute getting her room ready for her. He wanted it to be perfect and it was. We had such big plans for Ava. Our family had a surprise baby shower for us on Sunday March 19th. It was so beautiful and made it feel so real. We brought home so much stuff that I didnt know what to do with it all! I spent the next two days setting up her room, putting away her clothes and putting everything together. I was so excited I hardly slept! Everything changed when I went in on Wednesday March 22nd for my 37 week appointment. They went through the normal procedures and everything was fine until my midwife checked her heartbeat. She couldn’t find it and suggested an ultrasound. I knew then that something was wrong. I felt frozen, like I couldnt react. I was immediately given an ultrasound and they told me that there was no heartbeat. I had lost our little girl. At first I couldnt cry. Then it hit me and I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I have never felt so much emotional pain in my life. I was brought to a room and induced that same afternoon. I ended up with severe preeclampsia and toxemia and was given medications that made me so drowsy that I remember very little about the next few days. The doctor told my fiance that I was very sick. My liver and kidneys were shutting down and my platelet counts were way too low. He was so afraid that he would lose both of his girls. All I know is that I didn’t want to deliver her. I wanted to keep her with me forever. I thought that if I just kept her in that everything would be ok. Knowing that I would go through all of this pain just to have my baby taken from me was the hardest thing Ive ever done. Ava was born on Thursday March 23rd at 7:44pm. She was 4 pounds 11 ounces and 17 ? inches long. She was perfect in every way. She had dark wavy hair, brown eyes, pouty little lips and her fathers very distinct chin. She even had my long skinny fingers! I kept waiting for her to cry, but she never did. My fiance gave her a bath and dressed her in a gown and hat. We had Ava baptized at 11:30 that night. When we finally let the nurse take her away I remember thinking that my life was over, that I would never be happy or feel love for anyone again. They sent us home with a box containing her gown, hat, hospital bracelet, blanket, pictures, and footprints. I look through her memory box and at her pictures everyday. Three weeks after Ava was born I was hospitilized with a large blood clot in my lung. Soon after I was diagnosed with Factor V Leiden, a genetic blood clotting disorder that was the cause of Ava’s death. It has been four months since Ava was born and I have hit every stage of grief. I talk about Ava on a daily basis and keep her picture near me all the time. This site has helped me realize that I am still a mother. I carried my daughter for nine months just like every other mother. I was in labor and gave birth to my daughter like every other mother. I also despise my stretched out belly and stretch marks like every other mother. I am still young and I know that I will have more children someday, but for now every time I look at my stomach I will remember how I kept her safe and helped her grow, and how much I enjoyed the time I had with her. Thank you for showing me that even the annoying after effects of motherhood can be good. I should feel proud and honored to have the mommy belly no matter where my baby is. Please visit my daughter Ava’s website and always let your children know how important they are to you!!

Here is the last picture taken of me pregnant at 37 weeks:

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This is me now, four months later and 5 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. Grief can do a number on you and I’m not very proud of how fast I lost the weight:
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I wish that every mother could see this website. I have found that the best way to heal and appriciate life is by listening to others and learning new things. I will be forever grateful that I had a chance to hold my daughter and tell her I love her. I will never forget what she looked like, how she smelled, how perfectly she fit in my arms, or what she did to my body. I wish I knew I would feel like this four months ago. Thank you for showing mothers of all types that the joy our children bring to us and the emotional feelings far outway the physical changes.

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59 comments… add one

  • Robyn Tuesday, July 25, 2006, 4:01 am

    I just read through your site, Ava was beautiful, thank you for sharing your story. I know the pain of miscarriage but cannot imagine the grief of losing your baby at such a late stage. My prayers are with you.

  • Shannon Tuesday, July 25, 2006, 9:06 am

    I cannot say that I fully understand what you are going through….but I can relate. 10/26/05 I found out I was pregnant. My fiance and I were not trying, and we were going through so much, with him working full time, me working full time and being a full time grad student, plus raising his then 11 month old daughter (by another woman) and going through custody battle to get her away from an abusive parent….we were not prepared at all for a child. the very next day I started bleeding and was rushed to the hospital. I was told that I could be miscarrying, but they didn’t know, and to come back in 4 days for blood work. We spent halloween weekend grieving. Monday I got bloodwork done and was told that my numbers went up and I was still pregnant. So we rejoiced! Tuesday nite, 11/1/06, I began having sharp pain in my left overy. I was told that it was that it was somewhat normal to have pain. But as the night wore on the pain became unbearable and I was losing consciousness. My fiance rushed me to the hospital at 3 a.m. on 11/2/06. I was immediately given meds and was told I was miscarrying and they were to do emergency surgery later that evening. My dr. said that he thought that something was wrong, and if its what he thinks it is I could die that day. After surgery I was told that the baby was ectopic and had literally burst through my fallopian tube, and I was bleeding out. He said I had no more than 24 hours to live from the time I had walked into the ER. My fiance thought he was going to lose me and the baby. Thankfully I’m ok now. We don’t know what was the cause, but they did have to remove a part of my left fallopian tube, and I still have pain in my left ovary from it. We are hoping and praying to have more children someday (still have an 80% chance of pregnancy), but we’re leaving that up to God. I am so sorry for your loss. It hurt what I went through, being just over a month and a half pregnant….I cannot imagine carrying the baby as long as you did. I pray that God gives you and your husband strength, and that you find peace in the midst of all the pain you are feeling. I pray that He heals you of your disease, and blesses you with another child when you are ready. All I can say is just keep praying, and even though it’s hard, stay positive. You are a mother, and you owe it to Ava to get better and live your life to it’s fullest. God bless

  • e Tuesday, July 25, 2006, 3:37 pm

    I am so dreadfully sorry to hear of your loss.

  • Anonymous Tuesday, July 25, 2006, 6:14 pm

    Your story brought tears to my eyes and a tug to my heart. I can not even begin to imagine what you have gone through. You are in every form of the mother. Ava was absolutely beautiful. I am so glad this website could bring you some healing. I wish you and your fiance the best of luck and a life filled with love and more children.

  • Dawn Tuesday, July 25, 2006, 9:54 pm

    Thank you for your story!You are not alone. My perfect little son, Matthew, died at 30 weeks of pregnancy in Feb 2005.I tried for 7 years to get pregnant and then to loose him after 7 months of pregnancy was devastating. I delivered him by emergency C-section and he had only passed away a few minutes before birth. He too was perfect as was your little Ava. He was 3lbs 1oz and was 15 1/2 inches long. Now, almost a year and a half later, I still grieve for the loss of my son. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him. I regret that I didn’t enjoy my pregnancy with him more (I should’ve stopped complaining of the morning sickness, the weight gain, the stretch marks, being uncomfortable, etc..). I will say though that time will help you heal and I look back now and am so grateful for the experiance and for the fact that even though he isn’t with me here anymore, he watches over our family and I love him with all my heart. I am so greatful for the sweet memories of his little kicks inside me and watching my belly move when he did. May God bless you in your time of saddness. You will be a great strength to others.

  • Ava's Mommy Wednesday, July 26, 2006, 5:13 am

    I just have to thank all of you for not only reading Ava’s story and going on her site, but for leaving me the messages of prayer, love, thoughts and strength. This is what helps keep me going. Every time I tell Ava’s story a peice of me grows stronger. I don’t want to scare anyone, but I just want people to know what they have. Remember the kicks, take pictures, be proud of yourself for carrying such precious cargo inside of you, enjoy that time because it all changes so fast. Every moment I spent with Ava was a blessing. It is a permanent part of me now. I will carry her in my heart forever. Thank you for the kind words, I really do apprieciate every one of them.

  • Anonymous Wednesday, July 26, 2006, 5:59 am

    Ava’s site is a beautiful tribute. Thank you for sharing your story. xx

  • Anonymous Wednesday, December 13, 2006, 4:02 pm

    Oh, Honey! You ARE a mother, just like you said. Ava gave you those stretch marks. Love them and embrace them. They are part of her and part of your memory of her! You will all be together again someday! I’m so sorry for your loss.

  • chantelle Tuesday, June 12, 2007, 12:33 pm

    Hello, your story is so touching….. I wish that i only had a figure like yours. you look good!!!!

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