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Anonymous

July 22, 2006

When I found this site today, I felt like a small part of me could heal. My story is a lot different than most on this site.

My fiance and I are high school sweethearts who have been together for 8 years. We bought our first house a year ago and were working on fixing it up when we found out I was expecting. We were so happy and immediately started preparing for our baby. My pregnancy was perfect. I was 23 and very healthy, no morning sickness, no high blood pressure, gained 35 pounds! We had our first ultrasound on November 11th. I knew that it was a girl the whole time. My fiance wanted a boy so bad. The ultrasound tech asked if we wanted to know the sex. I said, ” I already know its a girl.” She said, ” Honey youre right, its a girl!” The next 8 months were spent getting ready for our daughter. We watched as my belly grew. We named our daughter Ava Carmella after my fiance’s beloved Nana. Ava was always active, kicking me in my ribs until it ached! Andrew spent every waking minute getting her room ready for her. He wanted it to be perfect and it was. We had such big plans for Ava. Our family had a surprise baby shower for us on Sunday March 19th. It was so beautiful and made it feel so real. We brought home so much stuff that I didnt know what to do with it all! I spent the next two days setting up her room, putting away her clothes and putting everything together. I was so excited I hardly slept! Everything changed when I went in on Wednesday March 22nd for my 37 week appointment. They went through the normal procedures and everything was fine until my midwife checked her heartbeat. She couldn’t find it and suggested an ultrasound. I knew then that something was wrong. I felt frozen, like I couldnt react. I was immediately given an ultrasound and they told me that there was no heartbeat. I had lost our little girl. At first I couldnt cry. Then it hit me and I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I have never felt so much emotional pain in my life. I was brought to a room and induced that same afternoon. I ended up with severe preeclampsia and toxemia and was given medications that made me so drowsy that I remember very little about the next few days. The doctor told my fiance that I was very sick. My liver and kidneys were shutting down and my platelet counts were way too low. He was so afraid that he would lose both of his girls. All I know is that I didn’t want to deliver her. I wanted to keep her with me forever. I thought that if I just kept her in that everything would be ok. Knowing that I would go through all of this pain just to have my baby taken from me was the hardest thing Ive ever done. Ava was born on Thursday March 23rd at 7:44pm. She was 4 pounds 11 ounces and 17 ? inches long. She was perfect in every way. She had dark wavy hair, brown eyes, pouty little lips and her fathers very distinct chin. She even had my long skinny fingers! I kept waiting for her to cry, but she never did. My fiance gave her a bath and dressed her in a gown and hat. We had Ava baptized at 11:30 that night. When we finally let the nurse take her away I remember thinking that my life was over, that I would never be happy or feel love for anyone again. They sent us home with a box containing her gown, hat, hospital bracelet, blanket, pictures, and footprints. I look through her memory box and at her pictures everyday. Three weeks after Ava was born I was hospitilized with a large blood clot in my lung. Soon after I was diagnosed with Factor V Leiden, a genetic blood clotting disorder that was the cause of Ava’s death. It has been four months since Ava was born and I have hit every stage of grief. I talk about Ava on a daily basis and keep her picture near me all the time. This site has helped me realize that I am still a mother. I carried my daughter for nine months just like every other mother. I was in labor and gave birth to my daughter like every other mother. I also despise my stretched out belly and stretch marks like every other mother. I am still young and I know that I will have more children someday, but for now every time I look at my stomach I will remember how I kept her safe and helped her grow, and how much I enjoyed the time I had with her. Thank you for showing me that even the annoying after effects of motherhood can be good. I should feel proud and honored to have the mommy belly no matter where my baby is. Please visit my daughter Ava’s website and always let your children know how important they are to you!!

Here is the last picture taken of me pregnant at 37 weeks:

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This is me now, four months later and 5 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. Grief can do a number on you and I’m not very proud of how fast I lost the weight:
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I wish that every mother could see this website. I have found that the best way to heal and appriciate life is by listening to others and learning new things. I will be forever grateful that I had a chance to hold my daughter and tell her I love her. I will never forget what she looked like, how she smelled, how perfectly she fit in my arms, or what she did to my body. I wish I knew I would feel like this four months ago. Thank you for showing mothers of all types that the joy our children bring to us and the emotional feelings far outway the physical changes.

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59 Responses to “Anonymous”

  1. Anonymous Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 8:20 am

    I am so sorry for your loss. Your story moved me to tears. I could never imagine what you are feeling, but Thank You for sharing your story. It makes me think of all the good things I do have.Christina

  2. melissa Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 8:41 am

    I could never have the words to make your heart hurt any less, but I am so sorry for your loss. Like you, I have a neice who lost her baby when he was three weeks old. It was her first as well. All I can say, is she was blessed again with another son, who has helped much with her healing. I hope the sun starts shining for you again soon.

  3. Anonymous Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 8:50 am

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I too was moved to tears reading your story. You are a mother in every sense of the word and I pray you will soon be at peace. Thank you for sharing your story.

  4. elaine Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 8:57 am

    I really admire your strength in being able to actually post this. After trying for 5 years, we finally were pregnant and lost the baby at 17 weeks. It was the absolute worst feeling in the world and even 5 years later, I still think about it. We have since had another baby, who is now 4. You are a strong and wonderful person for being able to be so positive about the worst experience of your life. We could all learn alot from you. When the time is right for you and your fiance, I hope you have another wonderful pregnancy, with a much better outcome. You certainly deserve it.

  5. jade Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 8:59 am

    I am so sorry for your loss..Thanks so much for sharing your story…I tried to look at your beautiful Ava’s site but it would not work….

  6. The Shape of a Mother Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 9:13 am

    That’s my fault, sorry. The link to Ava’s site should work now!

  7. Bebu Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 9:14 am

    I am so sorry for your loss. Your baby sure has a strong mom. I wish you luck and happiness.P.S: I tried to look at your baby’s site too but the link doesnt work.

  8. The Shape of a Mother Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 9:31 am

    The link works for me now, if it STILL doesn’t work for anyone, please let me know!

  9. CeCe Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 9:34 am

    Geez, I don’t know when I’ll stop crying! I’m four months pregnant right now, and thinking about what happened to you, it’s just so sad!

  10. Anonymous Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 9:54 am

    I am so moved by your story–you are such a strong woman. Just know that your baby girl is smiling down from heaven, waiting for the day that you can be together again. She will always be in your heart, and how blessed you were to bond with her over those beautiful 9 months.God Bless!

  11. Manic Mom Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 10:35 am

    Hi, your beautiful Ava is a lucky girl to have a mother who loves her as much as you do. I hope that because of the sacrifice of Ava that you will be blessed with many siblings to her!My very close friend lost her daughter, Samantha, at 38 weeks. Her husband was out of town so I was the one who got the call at 3 a.m. and took her to the hospital. I still remember watching the resident on call when he was doing the ultrasound. I saw his Adam’s apple move up and down as he swallowed, then he told her he had lost her baby. Bless you and Ava, and your fiance, and that is very brave of you to share this very moving story. Thank you.

  12. Anna Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 11:06 am

    Such a sad story! I am so sorry for your loss!

  13. Dancing Rabbit Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 11:16 am

    Thank you for sharing your story. I admire your strength, grieve for your loss, and wish you much joy in your memories.

  14. Amanda Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 11:44 am

    Ava was beautiful and like you said, “perfect in every way”.I don’t pretend to understand why these things happen or how you feel but please know that my life has been touched by reading your story and seeing your perfect Ava.You are a mother and she will always be your baby.

  15. Wicked Stepmom Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 11:46 am

    Thank you for sharing your story.There are no words adequate enough to post. But still, I had to comment just to let you know that I was here.

  16. Amber Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 12:03 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss.This is the most powerful post I’ve read here and wanted to thank you for sharing your story. And you are correct–you ARE a Mom in every sense of the word.P & PT for you and your family.

  17. Jennifer Sprague, High Top Baby Des Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 12:06 pm

    WOW, what a powerful, loving amazing story! You are so strong! I am so sorry for your loss, and am so thankful you felt you could share your story here!Your family are in my prayers and thoughts!

  18. Amber Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 12:14 pm

    Not only are you a mother, you are a WONDERFUL mother. Best to you and your family.

  19. Am Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 12:17 pm

    I am so sorry for the loss of Ava.

  20. Anonymous Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 12:31 pm

    Your story about your daugher Ava is so heartbreaking. You ARE a mother and you can always hold that dear to your heart next to your daughters memory.

  21. Chris (mombie) Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 1:06 pm

    I’m sorry for your loss. I wish you peace and strength.

  22. Kate Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 1:11 pm

    I am actually crying for you, but you have a real peace about you and I am praying to Jesus right now that you find more comfort, and that He touches your life in personal ways through this painful time. God does love you…I can promise you that. Maybe reading some of the Bible will help bring you more joy and peace in this time, it has done so much in my life. Psalms are very real, crying out, kinda like blogs actually. Also words of peace and comfort all over but especially in the New Testament. Hugs to you. You are a beautiful, wonderful mama. Blessings to you this night.

  23. Jill Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 2:36 pm

    So sorry for your loss. You absolutely are a mother.

  24. Katharine Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 3:08 pm

    I’m so sorry that Ava died. You are an incredible mother.

  25. Alisyn Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 3:12 pm

    i am so sorry for your loss.you are a strong and beautiful reminder of what a blessing being a mother is.

  26. Victoria Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 3:59 pm

    *hugs*

  27. Sara Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 4:21 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. Many blessings to you, and your family.

  28. Sarah Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 5:25 pm

    Your story is very very touching. I’m very sorry that you lost Ava. It really is a blessing to have the stretch marks left over from your pregnancy because it’s something permanent that you will always remember her by.

  29. Anonymous Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 6:19 pm

    I am so very very sorry. I truly am. I can feel your love for your daughter in my heart.

  30. Heather Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 7:59 pm

    I stopped and prayed for your family halfway through your post. Words cannot express the sorrow I feel and I don’t even know you. May God bless you and keep you in his loving arms. May you be reuinited in Christ with your angel Ava.

  31. Tasha Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 8:23 pm

    awww *hugs* i’m so sorry :( I’d love to go to that site, but the link still doesn’t work for me :(

  32. Laura Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 9:34 pm

    Thank you for sharing your story. tears are running down my cheeks. your story was so deep and powerful. the raw human emotions of love. life and death. I am praying for you and your family.Ava is blessed to have had a mother like you here on earth. You are blessed to be her mother.<3

  33. Manic Mom Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 9:37 pm

    I think it’s so wonderful that there are all these women out there who are wishing you peace and happiness. This site has been by far, one of the most powerful ones I’ve ever been on, and I truly hope it brings mothers together, and helps us appreciate more the bodies we have gained by becoming mothers.

  34. The Shape of a Mother Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 11:08 pm

    I’ve fixed the link in the post now, it worked for me earlier. I think any further problems are from the website itself.

  35. megan Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 11:10 pm

    your story is beautiful, and it brought me to tears. thank you for sharing with us.

  36. Anonymous Says:
    July 22nd, 2006 at 11:17 pm

    I’m so sorry you lost Ava. I cannot imagine your pain and hope someday you hold Ava’s little brother/sister in your arms.

  37. Jenny Says:
    July 23rd, 2006 at 3:26 pm

    Always remember that you are Ava’s mother and that you were her home for 9 months while she grew into a little baby girl. Thanks for sharing your story.

  38. Anonymous Says:
    July 23rd, 2006 at 5:46 pm

    I am so very sorry for your loss, and touched by your story. Thank you for reminding us how lucky we are, your little one was beautiful.

  39. Mary Says:
    July 23rd, 2006 at 8:09 pm

    May God keep you in his ever loving hands. Thank you for reminding me that even on the toughest days to just love on my boys. God Bless You.

  40. Anonymous Says:
    July 23rd, 2006 at 8:29 pm

    Bless you. I hope the healing leaves you stronger. Good luck.Remember that Ava loves you and is watching over you

  41. Anonymous Says:
    July 24th, 2006 at 4:53 am

    I’m so sorry you lost your beautiful little girl. Thank you so much for having the strength to share your story.

  42. R Says:
    July 24th, 2006 at 5:34 am

    I am incredibly sorry for your tragic loss. Thank You for having the strength to share your story.

  43. blessedmom Says:
    July 24th, 2006 at 7:15 am

    I also lost my baby girl after a “perfect” pregnancy 2 years ago. I deliver her full-term via c-section and she lived in the NICU for 5 days. We are now blessed with a beautiful baby boy. If you need someone to talk to, email me at kdphi_uh@yahoo.com.

  44. sunShine Says:
    July 24th, 2006 at 12:20 pm

    BLess your heart. That is just awful. Thank you for sharing yhour story.

  45. Anonymous Says:
    July 24th, 2006 at 12:43 pm

    Your story brings tears to my eyes. God bless you and little Ava Carmella.

  46. Anonymous Says:
    July 24th, 2006 at 3:02 pm

    A poem I wrote for a little angel taken from my arms too early. It brings me hope, as I hope it does to you.AngelA soul with enough sunshine For the whole world to seeA heart with enough loveTo lift even meWith eyes so brightTo melt the coldest dayAnd a love so powerfulTo whisk all my worries awayThe smallest angelA destiny so divineSent from heavens armsSo I could hold you in mine~CAK

  47. Anonymous Says:
    July 24th, 2006 at 4:22 pm

    You should have a little sun tattoed on the other side of your perfect Ava-carrying belly for her. I think a smiling sun would be a good match.

  48. Anonymous Says:
    July 24th, 2006 at 4:45 pm

    I am so extremely sorry for your devastating loss. Thank you for sharing your story – I looked at your site and Ava was absolutely beautiful. As I read your last journal entry, your words reminded me of a song by Sanctus Real – the chorus says “I’m not alright … I’m broken inside, broken inside.” I won’t pretend to understand what you’ve gone through, and I know that the pain of losing her will certainly never go away, but I pray that God will begin to heal it so that it is not so “sharp” of a pain anymore. God bless you, Andrew and your beautiful daughter.

  49. melsybelsy Says:
    July 24th, 2006 at 7:59 pm

    It took a lot of strength to share your story with us. Thank you for that.You are one courageous mother. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  50. amandalicious Says:
    July 24th, 2006 at 10:09 pm

    wow, words can’t express how sorry i am for your loss. as a single 24 year old woman with no children, i am the furthest from understanding your grief. but something in you struck a chord in me… your story was beautiful, and i hope you know that your writing completely touched me. thank you for writing this. you and Ava are in my thoughts…

  51. Robyn Says:
    July 25th, 2006 at 4:01 am

    I just read through your site, Ava was beautiful, thank you for sharing your story. I know the pain of miscarriage but cannot imagine the grief of losing your baby at such a late stage. My prayers are with you.

  52. Shannon Says:
    July 25th, 2006 at 9:06 am

    I cannot say that I fully understand what you are going through….but I can relate. 10/26/05 I found out I was pregnant. My fiance and I were not trying, and we were going through so much, with him working full time, me working full time and being a full time grad student, plus raising his then 11 month old daughter (by another woman) and going through custody battle to get her away from an abusive parent….we were not prepared at all for a child. the very next day I started bleeding and was rushed to the hospital. I was told that I could be miscarrying, but they didn’t know, and to come back in 4 days for blood work. We spent halloween weekend grieving. Monday I got bloodwork done and was told that my numbers went up and I was still pregnant. So we rejoiced! Tuesday nite, 11/1/06, I began having sharp pain in my left overy. I was told that it was that it was somewhat normal to have pain. But as the night wore on the pain became unbearable and I was losing consciousness. My fiance rushed me to the hospital at 3 a.m. on 11/2/06. I was immediately given meds and was told I was miscarrying and they were to do emergency surgery later that evening. My dr. said that he thought that something was wrong, and if its what he thinks it is I could die that day. After surgery I was told that the baby was ectopic and had literally burst through my fallopian tube, and I was bleeding out. He said I had no more than 24 hours to live from the time I had walked into the ER. My fiance thought he was going to lose me and the baby. Thankfully I’m ok now. We don’t know what was the cause, but they did have to remove a part of my left fallopian tube, and I still have pain in my left ovary from it. We are hoping and praying to have more children someday (still have an 80% chance of pregnancy), but we’re leaving that up to God. I am so sorry for your loss. It hurt what I went through, being just over a month and a half pregnant….I cannot imagine carrying the baby as long as you did. I pray that God gives you and your husband strength, and that you find peace in the midst of all the pain you are feeling. I pray that He heals you of your disease, and blesses you with another child when you are ready. All I can say is just keep praying, and even though it’s hard, stay positive. You are a mother, and you owe it to Ava to get better and live your life to it’s fullest. God bless

  53. e Says:
    July 25th, 2006 at 3:37 pm

    I am so dreadfully sorry to hear of your loss.

  54. Anonymous Says:
    July 25th, 2006 at 6:14 pm

    Your story brought tears to my eyes and a tug to my heart. I can not even begin to imagine what you have gone through. You are in every form of the mother. Ava was absolutely beautiful. I am so glad this website could bring you some healing. I wish you and your fiance the best of luck and a life filled with love and more children.

  55. Dawn Says:
    July 25th, 2006 at 9:54 pm

    Thank you for your story!You are not alone. My perfect little son, Matthew, died at 30 weeks of pregnancy in Feb 2005.I tried for 7 years to get pregnant and then to loose him after 7 months of pregnancy was devastating. I delivered him by emergency C-section and he had only passed away a few minutes before birth. He too was perfect as was your little Ava. He was 3lbs 1oz and was 15 1/2 inches long. Now, almost a year and a half later, I still grieve for the loss of my son. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him. I regret that I didn’t enjoy my pregnancy with him more (I should’ve stopped complaining of the morning sickness, the weight gain, the stretch marks, being uncomfortable, etc..). I will say though that time will help you heal and I look back now and am so grateful for the experiance and for the fact that even though he isn’t with me here anymore, he watches over our family and I love him with all my heart. I am so greatful for the sweet memories of his little kicks inside me and watching my belly move when he did. May God bless you in your time of saddness. You will be a great strength to others.

  56. Ava's Mommy Says:
    July 26th, 2006 at 5:13 am

    I just have to thank all of you for not only reading Ava’s story and going on her site, but for leaving me the messages of prayer, love, thoughts and strength. This is what helps keep me going. Every time I tell Ava’s story a peice of me grows stronger. I don’t want to scare anyone, but I just want people to know what they have. Remember the kicks, take pictures, be proud of yourself for carrying such precious cargo inside of you, enjoy that time because it all changes so fast. Every moment I spent with Ava was a blessing. It is a permanent part of me now. I will carry her in my heart forever. Thank you for the kind words, I really do apprieciate every one of them.

  57. Anonymous Says:
    July 26th, 2006 at 5:59 am

    Ava’s site is a beautiful tribute. Thank you for sharing your story. xx

  58. Anonymous Says:
    December 13th, 2006 at 4:02 pm

    Oh, Honey! You ARE a mother, just like you said. Ava gave you those stretch marks. Love them and embrace them. They are part of her and part of your memory of her! You will all be together again someday! I’m so sorry for your loss.

  59. chantelle Says:
    June 12th, 2007 at 12:33 pm

    Hello, your story is so touching….. I wish that i only had a figure like yours. you look good!!!!

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